Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide. Rebecca Potter works as a licensed mental health counselor in West Palm Beach, Florida.
I’m every woman ”¦ It’s all in me ”¦
By Rebecca Potter
Rebecca Potter profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
Sadly, on February 11, 2012, the world lost another woman’s voice when Whitney Elizabeth Houston died in her hotel room. The press talked about her drug and alcohol use, her bizarre behavior, etc. Reporters briefly mentioned her tumultuous marriage. Did we lose another beautiful woman’s voice to the tragic, permanent, emotional and physical side effects of leaving an abusive marriage, and/or the struggle of trying to protect her young child from a dangerous man in the legal system?
A quote from a news article reads:
“When Whitney Houston decided to end her marriage with Bobby Brown, the thought in many minds was why did this decision take so long in light of the history of infidelity, scandals, drug and alcohol arrests, and marital problems during their marriage?”
It appears that Whitney’s life took a turn for the worse when she entered into a relationship with Bobby Brown
Although I can only offer a hypothetical opinion as a therapist, her struggle seems hauntingly familiar. Is it possible that Whitney Houston suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Those of us who have left an abusive relationship understand the fear and anxiety we developed in the relationship. We know it is hard to leave, and repeated exposure to the trauma creates Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
The neurological and biological effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms affect our ability to clearly identify what is happening. The powerful biological responses of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may cause an abused woman to under react (dissociate) or to overreact (perhaps explaining some of Whitney’s bizarre behavior). What we also know is that the mere exposure to a dangerous man in a relationship causes a continuous roller coaster of biological and neurological reactions that affect our brain chemistry and create anxiety. This biological reaction from post traumatic stress disorder can be triggered instantly by any environmental cue (where the abuse occurred, angry voices, displeasure from someone, etc.), long after leaving the abusive situation.
Lack of effective medical treatment
Sadly, many women medicate this anxiety with drugs and alcohol. The medical community, governed by insurance corporations, will allow and cover drug and alcohol treatment usually only for 30 days. Drug and alcohol treatment is ineffective with patients who have suffered trauma and betrayal bonding. Still, the standard approach is to use prescription medication to treat the substance abuse. These professionals know all too well that an addict is going to relapse. Professionals know that recovery involves a desire to heal, to attend meetings, and professional therapy, for much more than 30 days of treatment.
Whitney went to treatment and possibly in treatment she was given her prescription medications. She left treatment early, but continued to be given the prescription medications, continued to abuse substances and possibly continued to be triggered by trauma symptoms. It is unlikely that she was informed and educated about the permanent and pervasive effects of a dangerous relationship.
What if Whitney would have been able to seek treatment to understand the betrayal bonding that occurred in her relationship with Bobby Brown?
What if ”¦
- she had been treated with biofeedback
- she learned to recognize the trauma triggers
- she had connected with a group of other women who could have supported her
- she had heard from other professional women who had given so much of themselves to a man who was not able to love and return love because of a serious mental illness and genetic disorder
- she heard from others that they endured the emotional , financial, mental traumas, who stayed because they were trying to live by God’s law and supporting an erratic husband
- she heard that many women feel relief when a husband finally hits them, because they are able to recognize physical abuse, but have become numb to verbal, mental, and financial abuse
- she knew what to expect when she went to the court system, that she would then be abused by attorneys who wanted what was left of her money and the fear she may have felt from a legal system that could award her child to an abuser
- she knew that due to mere exposure to the trauma and domestic violence her daughter could marry the same type of man
- she understood that personality disorders are an enduring pattern of behaviors; stable and long duration that are inflexible and pervasive across a broad range of personal and social situations
- she knew that the abuser could appear so supportive and caring to groom and gain her trust
- she knew that the sexual intensity between them was part of the betrayal bonding component
- she knew that many women begin substance use to try to connect with these abusive mates
- she knew that exposure to these kinds of people would leave her emotionally and physically ill and leaving him would expose her to devastating financial harm
- she knew that these abusers looked for injured folks and put up a mask to draw them in, usually with intense personalities and sex, only to take everything and leave them
- she could have let go of the fear and shame that haunted her
A tragedy
The world lost a beautiful musical voice. My hope is that the world learns from the tragedy of Whitney. To all other beautiful voices who may currently feel or have felt the pain of betrayal, I encourage treatment with professionals who understand the complex treatment of trauma, professionals who clearly understand the effects of abusive betrayal bonds used by so many in our society to take and pillage from innocent people.
God bless you and keep you Whitney Elizabeth Houston and ALL OTHER VOICES who struggle with healing from trauma bonding.
Rebecca Potter, LMHC is a licensed therapist in Florida who has also suffered trauma from a former abusive husband and a corrupt, abusive family court system. She can be reached at: tlc211@gmail.com.
For more information, read: Inside Whitney Houston’s violent marriage to Bobby Brown on TheDailyBeast.com.
I got this post today–I don’t even know what a spath is. Clearly the two men who caused me severe PTSD although that could be blamed on my family for sure. While reading these posts, I woke up happy, but my body now, I can barely breathe and tears are behind my eyes and I’m so very anxious. Where do I go for help? I don’t think PTSD ever will leave me alone, it’s so haunting but I don’t know any group meetings? My first husband a celebrity, 2nd huge business owner–they go on—they go on.
sharons632:
“spath” = shorthand for “sociopath.”
Where can you go for help? There are many places, and it depends where you live, what other resources you have, how long it has been (or if you are still in a relationship) since you left, what you have tried so far, what has NOT worked, etc.
Everyone has tried something different, so there is no one way that works for every person.
Things that I did that helped: individual therapy (the kind that let me talk, rather than tried to find quick solutions helped best in my case); contacting a local domestic violence agency and joining a victims group (this helped a lot at the beginning when I was just getting out of the relationship); finding other divorced women who had been through similar things (we just sort of found each other); finding divorced MEN who had been through similar things and talking with them (these conversations tended to happen at bars…)
Reading lots of books helped me. I learned about sociopathy/psychopathy, about different types of therapy, about trauma/PTSD, about evil. Lots and lots of books.
Writing in a journal helped. Coming to Lovefraud helped (is continuing to help).
As Rebecca writes, there are types of therapy which create breakthroughs… these are alternative therapies not covered by insurance. They DO help — a LOT. EFT is one I’ve tried and you can do it on yourself or go to a practitioner (often a licensed social worker) to guide you through. EMDR is another one that has helped a lot of people. (google them if you dont’ know what they are). There are other types of energy healing therapies which can help, such as reiki and chakra balancing. Not everyone is open to this. I was resistant at first, but eventually came around to the idea and it helped tremendously.
Time heals, but PTSD goes away NOT on its own, but through addressing it in particular ways (such as what Rebecca suggests). Do some research into PTSD and some of these alternative therapies, and consider taking a leap of faith and trying some of them.
Things which do not help: talking to people who are well-meaning but have not lived this experience. They want to frame it too much in terms of “choices” and consequences for choices we have made, or choices we *could* be making now (in their judgment) such as “getting over it and moving on” — but it’s not really that simple of a thing. Hanging around people like this can cause you huge setbacks, and to doubt yourself.
Watch out for isolating yourself too much. There is a difference between “retreating” from harmful influences and becoming a holed-up hermit. Some amount of retreating is good, if you can be healing and meditative during that time.
Healing is very possible. Be patient with yourself as you try different things… some will work, and some will cause setbacks. don’t give up. Just keep trying. This is an individual path, though many have been on it before you, and if you keep trying, you will find answers.
Good luck to you on your healing journey.
I had the exact same thoughts . . .i.e, that Bobby Brown (and his years of abuse) were the major contributing factor that led to Whitney’s death. It is extremely hard to shake off the damage done by these EVIL people. I suppose it is even harder in the public eye, where your tiniest movement is critiqued, exaggerated, and often lied about (a booster shot of gas-lighting). These S/N/A/Ps (Sociopaths,Narcissists,Anti-Socials,Psychopaths) get under your skin, and change the fabric of your soul.
I just reread some of the earlier posts and
Rebeccap says “I call it a relationship recovery because it is not only your mate who was abusive, it is your boss, many friends,family, etc. an abuse survivor has to gain new friends just like those in other recovery groups. ”
I would like to say a hearty AMEN SISTA!!! To that statement, because too many times it is more than one person we have allowed to abuse us and we must eliminate these people from our lives. It is sometimes VERY difficult to do so but it is NECESSARY that we do so in order for us to heal, but at the same time, as we gather more strength we become more and more picky about who our “friends” are and when we see a RED FLAG in either a new or old friend, they get the “heave ho” out of our lives. If it is someone we MUST associate with for one reason or another, we keep them at “arm’s length” and we do not trust them. We protect ourselves from them.
Good p;oint Rebeccap! Than ks
Our addiction to the spaths is much more difficult to fight than an addiction to alcohol and drugs because at least alcohol and drugs aren’t addicted to you back.
Imagine how hard it would be to get off substance abuse if you were constantly being called, texted and stalked by a bottle or a pill. THEY don’t give up. THEY want us to stay addicted to them. We can’t just say NO one time, we have to keep resisting all the pressure that they put on us on TOP of our own desire to be with them.
And it isn’t just a desire to be with the spath, it’s a normal human need for love and relationships. So I guess, that spath addiction is more like food addiction. You can’t avoid food because you can’t live without it. But you have to have a HEALTHY relationship with food and only eat what is good for you. NOT always easy.
After seeing the interview with Whitney on Oprah, it is glaringly clear that she was a victim of an emotionally and physically abusive person. It is also so clear that she was trauma bonded to him. Yes, she had addiction issues and maybe she too was narcissistic. But it is apparent that she went through a lot with Bobby Brown.
I have no factual basis in the opinion I am about to express, but after observing celebrities of late and Hollywood in general, I believe most, if not all, of these celebrities have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Or at least a Cluster B. I don’t think a true artist expresses their art for fame and money. I truly feel that most of these Hollywood people went into the entertainment field for the sheer celebrity aspect of it and all of the “glamorous” tappings that go along with it.
What is the real shame is that we salivate and crazily adore these people who entertain us. What is that about? What is it in us that causes such blind excitement? I am teaching my children not to react that way to the celebrities they see in the movies or on T.V. They are just people like you and me. They are no better. Yes, some such as Whitney have special talents, but such praise and frenzy over her is a bit much. And the sooner society stops putting these people on such a pedestal, the better off we will spiritually be.
Yes, as a human being, I feel bad for Whitney. As I do for all of those who suffer at the hands of disordered personalities.
Good analogy, Skylar.
As this is evolving for me, I would say that during the time I was with my spath (married), I had a strong desire (addiction? I still think that is not quite right, but it is a valuable exercise to think of it that way) to have an intact family (husband, wife, 3 kids), I had this vision of how I wanted it to be: we are happy, we have a nice home, we have nice routines, we are kind to each other, the kids behave but of course kids will be kids, we are kind and helpful to neighbors and the community, we go to church, we take our kids to the doctor for regular checkups, hubby has a job and I am home raising the kids and taking care of home stuff, we live a good life, the kids grow up and live good lives, and we are happy together as we grow old together…
this is what I wanted. This is what I thought we were going to have. I thought it was a “good life” and I was a “good person” so why shouldn’t I have a good life?
(I am painting it and myself more naively than it was — I was 29 when I got married and I thought I was being very realistic about not seeking perfection; I was a pretty easy going person with a strong dose of “good will” towards myself and others)
I cannot call this dream an addiction. My husband fooled me. He changed, once we got married. He was still sometimes the guy I fell in love with. and otherwise, this cruel stranger. I found it very upsetting and confusing.
But over time… I didn’t desire HIM anymore. My desire turned to fear, loathing, disgust. That was a real problem!!! i didn’t know how to continue to be married to someone I found revolting. Seriously. I was not “addicted” to this creature but this situation had not occurred to me… this revulsion was directly connected to his cruelty. I felt terrible! I wanted to be a good and loving wife, but I could not (I forced myself to go through the motions). My poor children…
I just wanted to stop feeling revulsion towards my husband. I wanted to feel the love again. It was a very despairing feeling.
And so… how does this fit into “addiction?” I stayed (for awhile) because I really, really wanted to have that good life and I kept thinking I could figure out what was wrong with me that I was revolted by my husband. I felt very guilty about that.
When I finally left… he kept finding ways to hurt me. He would still be his old self that I fell in love with about half the time, and the other half of the time he would be the revolting monster. I kept being fooled and thinking I should not have judged him so harshly… and maybe that I had hurt him badly by leaving… and then he would turn, and I’d see the monster again. I found this so confusing, for so many years.
I have a hard time viewing this as addiction. I think it was more that I wanted to do the right thing, be a kind person, not judge harshly or condemn him because I believed that to be wrong/immoral, and I hoped to have a “good divorce” just as I’d hoped to have a “good marriage.” I wanted to “honor him” as he is the father of my children.
We did not have a good divorce, either.
The part about addiction which does ring true for me, is all the time I spent ruminating on this relationship, all of these years, trying to cut through the confusion but never quite being able to.
About a year ago, major breakthroughs were made, and I can so now that I no longer think of him much at all. And when I do, it is very easy for me to turn my thoughts towards something else. I am no longer tormented by trying to understand this relationship.
So maybe that was the addiction part — but still, I have trouble with that word. I don’t think he was some kind of drug that I felt I needed. Ever. It’s way more complicated than that. I worry that using the word addiction to describe these sorts of relationships confuses the matter in people’s minds, people who have not experienced something like this.
I think it is a useful analogy, to a point. But it is also important to appreciate the complexities… it is not as simple as “giving it up” or “giving into the addiction” or going to rehab or something.
I do think that being in abusive relationships can lead to substance abuse as a coping mechanism or that abusive relationships can set a person up for very real illness/disease, which then can lead to medical interventions that may only mask the underlying cause… and the person is diverted from taking a look at the horror of the abuse they have suffered/allowed.
20years,
Your description of your relationshit is not unlike my own, in that, toward the end I felt revulsion for him and kept wanting to figure out what was wrong with me that I couldn’t make him “act normal”. The only reason I know that I had addiction, at least at first, was because when I did try to leave him it was so incredibly painful – beyond anything I’d ever experienced. I felt like I was dying and I couldn’t tear myself away from him. I begged him to help me stop hurting from the pain of leaving him. I cried all weekend and he cried (fake) with me. I’ll never forget that pain, even though 25 years later, it was all very different.
my dear friend sent me this link yesterday, and I think it describes addiction as well as anything I might be able to articulate.
http://mnmlist.com/walk-away/
Whatever you can’t walk away from, is your addiction.
Skylar,
It’s helpful to hear that I wasn’t the only one to feel revulsion towards my spath, and wonder what was wrong with ME for feeling that way!
When I left, though, I felt a very numb “shock” feeling, but I also believe I was guided to leave (guardian angel?). I felt very sure of what I was doing, and did not use any substances to help me “cope.” I was kind of naturally numb and managed to keep taking care of myself and the kids (kind of on auto-pilot). Then, I felt a sense of peace. I did feel that I was heading in the right direction.
(though I wasn’t actually safe — he was physically violent after we separated — this is so true what they say, that a very dangerous time for the victim is right after they leave the abuser!)
I went out and bought about 30 candles and lit them all through the house, and that helped me feel that I’d turned a page and wasn’t going back. I think rituals like that can help. No one told me to do this… I just kind of spontaneously did it.
And no one knew what I was going through; we’d put up such a good facade of happy family to the world. I think everyone was shocked, and most people just stayed away.
I didn’t feel pain. I felt exhaustion, I felt kind of abandoned, as if I’d been suddenly abducted from my creepy, fake-happy home and left, naked, dripping wet and shivering, in some unnamed forest. (but safe). And all I had to rely on was myself. I had to be numb to get through that without cracking. I had 3 toddler/preschool-age kids to take care of, after all.
Sky and Sisterhood, I so totally agree! Well said, Sky. Not to discount or disagree with 20years, but we all have different and unique experiences with spaths, and for me I feel I was ‘addicted’.
At first I didn’t see how the term applied, but as the truth revealed itself, I could see I had an addictive personality like the ex spath did. I didn’t want to admit ANY similarities we had, but it is what it is. And I knew it was an addiction before I ever knew he was a spath. He revolted me more than anyone ever could, yet I kept going back. It was less painful to stay, so I thought.
And the analogy of them being like an addiction to food? Can I just say YES, you speak my mind Sky. I can see that is true for me with the extra 25 pounds I’ve gained (damn chocolate!)
Sisterhood, I am so with you on the celebrity worship epidemic. Sounds like a lot of people at work have it. They talk more about celebrities then their own real life family or friends. It’s so weird. It’s as if they know these celebrities, most of whom I have no clue who they even are and I don’t mean Whitney Houston, personally. Very awkward.
I always feel sorry for celebrities when they pass from addiction. I’m sure they didn’t lead a life of happiness. But to idolize and mourn their passing like they were a god is just living a virtual life, a fantasy life. True healing didn’t begin for me until I got my head around the fact that it was fake, the spath that is. My relasionshit with the spath was fantasy, unreal, untrue. It was an act and when I got my feet on the ground and started living in the real world is when I can say my addiction stopped. Now I think of IT with the same repulsiveness as 20years and I too can more easily turn from those thoughts to something unrelated.
Reality rocks.