Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide. Rebecca Potter works as a licensed mental health counselor in West Palm Beach, Florida.
I’m every woman ”¦ It’s all in me ”¦
By Rebecca Potter
Rebecca Potter profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
Sadly, on February 11, 2012, the world lost another woman’s voice when Whitney Elizabeth Houston died in her hotel room. The press talked about her drug and alcohol use, her bizarre behavior, etc. Reporters briefly mentioned her tumultuous marriage. Did we lose another beautiful woman’s voice to the tragic, permanent, emotional and physical side effects of leaving an abusive marriage, and/or the struggle of trying to protect her young child from a dangerous man in the legal system?
A quote from a news article reads:
“When Whitney Houston decided to end her marriage with Bobby Brown, the thought in many minds was why did this decision take so long in light of the history of infidelity, scandals, drug and alcohol arrests, and marital problems during their marriage?”
It appears that Whitney’s life took a turn for the worse when she entered into a relationship with Bobby Brown
Although I can only offer a hypothetical opinion as a therapist, her struggle seems hauntingly familiar. Is it possible that Whitney Houston suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Those of us who have left an abusive relationship understand the fear and anxiety we developed in the relationship. We know it is hard to leave, and repeated exposure to the trauma creates Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
The neurological and biological effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms affect our ability to clearly identify what is happening. The powerful biological responses of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may cause an abused woman to under react (dissociate) or to overreact (perhaps explaining some of Whitney’s bizarre behavior). What we also know is that the mere exposure to a dangerous man in a relationship causes a continuous roller coaster of biological and neurological reactions that affect our brain chemistry and create anxiety. This biological reaction from post traumatic stress disorder can be triggered instantly by any environmental cue (where the abuse occurred, angry voices, displeasure from someone, etc.), long after leaving the abusive situation.
Lack of effective medical treatment
Sadly, many women medicate this anxiety with drugs and alcohol. The medical community, governed by insurance corporations, will allow and cover drug and alcohol treatment usually only for 30 days. Drug and alcohol treatment is ineffective with patients who have suffered trauma and betrayal bonding. Still, the standard approach is to use prescription medication to treat the substance abuse. These professionals know all too well that an addict is going to relapse. Professionals know that recovery involves a desire to heal, to attend meetings, and professional therapy, for much more than 30 days of treatment.
Whitney went to treatment and possibly in treatment she was given her prescription medications. She left treatment early, but continued to be given the prescription medications, continued to abuse substances and possibly continued to be triggered by trauma symptoms. It is unlikely that she was informed and educated about the permanent and pervasive effects of a dangerous relationship.
What if Whitney would have been able to seek treatment to understand the betrayal bonding that occurred in her relationship with Bobby Brown?
What if ”¦
- she had been treated with biofeedback
- she learned to recognize the trauma triggers
- she had connected with a group of other women who could have supported her
- she had heard from other professional women who had given so much of themselves to a man who was not able to love and return love because of a serious mental illness and genetic disorder
- she heard from others that they endured the emotional , financial, mental traumas, who stayed because they were trying to live by God’s law and supporting an erratic husband
- she heard that many women feel relief when a husband finally hits them, because they are able to recognize physical abuse, but have become numb to verbal, mental, and financial abuse
- she knew what to expect when she went to the court system, that she would then be abused by attorneys who wanted what was left of her money and the fear she may have felt from a legal system that could award her child to an abuser
- she knew that due to mere exposure to the trauma and domestic violence her daughter could marry the same type of man
- she understood that personality disorders are an enduring pattern of behaviors; stable and long duration that are inflexible and pervasive across a broad range of personal and social situations
- she knew that the abuser could appear so supportive and caring to groom and gain her trust
- she knew that the sexual intensity between them was part of the betrayal bonding component
- she knew that many women begin substance use to try to connect with these abusive mates
- she knew that exposure to these kinds of people would leave her emotionally and physically ill and leaving him would expose her to devastating financial harm
- she knew that these abusers looked for injured folks and put up a mask to draw them in, usually with intense personalities and sex, only to take everything and leave them
- she could have let go of the fear and shame that haunted her
A tragedy
The world lost a beautiful musical voice. My hope is that the world learns from the tragedy of Whitney. To all other beautiful voices who may currently feel or have felt the pain of betrayal, I encourage treatment with professionals who understand the complex treatment of trauma, professionals who clearly understand the effects of abusive betrayal bonds used by so many in our society to take and pillage from innocent people.
God bless you and keep you Whitney Elizabeth Houston and ALL OTHER VOICES who struggle with healing from trauma bonding.
Rebecca Potter, LMHC is a licensed therapist in Florida who has also suffered trauma from a former abusive husband and a corrupt, abusive family court system. She can be reached at: tlc211@gmail.com.
For more information, read: Inside Whitney Houston’s violent marriage to Bobby Brown on TheDailyBeast.com.
woundlicker,
you’re right that our experiences with the spaths will be varied. Afterall, they mirror us in their presentation so they present what we need to see and that can be different for each of us.
I think one commonality is how badly we want what they seem to offer. That’s because, again, they are mirroring our deepest desires.
There is another thing though, and this is a red flag as much as anything: the drama. They all present us with a big production in which they are the star and we are the supporting cast. In this production, we have very important roles to play. Everything is critical, there is always urgency.
As human beings we respond to any emergency with adrenalin and spaths always keep the emergencies going, so that in the end we become addicted to that adrenalin perhaps most of all.
So in effect, what the spath brings is a big production that makes us feel intense drama and emotion and makes us feel important. When we leave that behind it does sort of feel like an emptiness.
Wow! This is a great conversation.
I watched a two hour special about Whitney. Not because she is a celebrity (I too have a kind of bewildered disgust about our celebrity culture, so don’t watch much TV). But I watched because I had a feeling she was an abused woman, and indeed the program showed a classic pattern of a woman targeted by a Bad Man, and the subsequent distruction of her ‘self’ and her life. And, sadly, in this case to death.
They showed a picture of her toward the end of her relationship, and she was skin and bones (why I call myself Slim One), with acne, and a big FAKE smile on her face. I SO related to this. She was a nervous wreck and ‘acting’ to save her life.
They showed her with Diane Sawyer, denying in one sentence, her abuse by Bobby, and abuse of drugs…then admitting them in the next sentence. And there was a defensiveness in her, and SO much magical and grandiose thinking/expression.
I felt sick watching her, as I felt myself go back to that place and remembered people watching me at work, asking me what was wrong, and I had NO idea how I was being ‘seen’ by my co-workers. Of course I was trying to ‘keep it together’. But I was also a nervous wreck, cried at the drop of a hat, was defensive and filled with a kind of false pride (I think due to the shame I was feeling).
And I wasn’t so deeply in denial as she was.
That addiction to the drama and high impact chemicals this creates in our bodies just eats us alive.
I am infinitely and supremely grateful for all of you…..and for the knowledge I gain here.
xo, Slim
So many wonderful comments here.
I’m checking that book out, “Betrayal Bonds”. Thank you for the suggestion.
When I heard that Whitney was gone, it started me thinking about her life and what may have gone wrong. It has hounded me every day since. Now I’ve just read the comments in this section. Had no idea the extent of the abuse in her marriage. Now things are making sense. When she was married to Bobby, it seemed as if her life wasn’t her own. No wonder her family didn’t want him sitting with them. Smart people. It’s astounding that so much of this is going on, but until someone starts understanding these dynamics we all are talking about, it seems like normal random behavior. Reading Donna’s emails every week or so has really opened my eyes and helped me be able to dissect sensational news stories, etc. Still, it’s hard because this stuff has always occurred just under the radar. I’m used to it. Now I know it is hiding in every nook and cranny. The people who think their religion will get them through the hard times need to realize that religion will only get them so far with truly evil intents. We all need to go to the trained experts on dysfunctional relationships to get some help with healing. We need it more than ever today because this type of dynamic is rapidly increasing. Ok, I’m crawling back under my rock for a while 🙂 cuz the upset is getting all stirred up again. Whitney, your music meant the world to me.
Have a copy of The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes. Called one of the numbers in there for a therapist referral in my area. I’ve been seeing the referral therapist off and on now for 6 months. She is very good and has obviously internalized what she teaches. But…interestingly, she was trained by Pia Mellody, Patrick’s ex. So her training is a bit different that what I expected, yet the bottom line is the same. I was taken aback when I found out that my therapist didn’t have the training I thought she “would”…yet she is helping me with exactly what I need help with. It’s been a God-thing for sure.
Tonight I go to my first session of EMDR. This therapist also does another form of EMDR that is related to Oriental medicine, but don’t remember what it’s called. I need a MIRACLE!!
This is a really helpful post for me. I was in a very abusive relationship to a passive-aggressive man and tried everything I knew to do for 28 years before his abuse broke me. He was diagnosed a pathological liar and Bipolar but I think the diagnosis should have been PA/narcissist. He literally seathed with anger towards me,( but around others he would make me pay while everyone thinking what a quiet and great guy he was.)
One of the final breaking points for me was when I asked him (because he literally ignored me and looked THROUGH me as though I was not there,but would love up the DOG in front of me) when I asked “After 28 years and 4 children will I have to die alone someday too or are you going to be there for me?”
His response: (and he was a Pastor at this time) ” I can’t be in there…..that’s for the doctors and nurses to take care of”. !!!! Then later he denied saying that. So much verbal,emotional and at times physical abuse. He constantly left for 1-3 nights and later I discovered i twas a porn addiction.
I broke in many ways- i physically and emotionally could not do all that he put on me….. and have terrible PTSD. I have used alcohol a little just to medicate. I read books and pray and still the symptoms are raging…..
…… after divorcing him I met and married a true dangerous Spath out to destroy me. I was married to him and barely got out alive after 10 months.
……but Now, I see i have been completely trauma bonded to my first husband of 28 years, I think I married quick to try to medicate the failure, rejection,PTSD,and abuse of that marriage…..and the 2nd Spath was so charming and deceptive that I fell for his lies…and since getting away from him…
… i have tried over and over to get back with the first abusive Spath who would leave me alone to die!!!. Even last night!!! I ALLOW him to reject me over and over AND HE IS LOVING IT!!! It kills me that he has someone else after all the years I tried to get him to allow me”in” and was only rejected over and over. I truly tried everything.
The second Spath destroyed my life so completely that I now look back and the abuse I lived in for 28 yrs. was easier than the life I no longer have at all after Spath destroyed every relationship I have.
I think a starving person will settle for any crumb they can get.
Anyways…I am terribly trauma bonded to the first passive-aggresive Spath because no matter what he did do, he was not AS BAD as the second who was clearly out to DESTROY me and take my life.
I know. Sick. I see it,but I keep going back trying to get him to take me back and finish this life together……I am so broken, and have so much PTSD that its ridiculous.
I read the book trauma bonds but clearly I need to take it further…….
bellaangel – What a tragic story. Please seek professional help, prayer alone is not the answer. Wanting your xspath husband back is a BAD idea, and as you yourself said (sick)…Often our journey begins about them (the spath ) and ends up being more about us..stay safe and stay away from him..
You know what…..I can’t do this anymore!!!! I just went on facebook and the Spath that drugged me and and I found pedophile stuff and he ruined 3 other women…..AND WHO HAS EVERY ONE OF MY FRIENDS ON HIS FACEBOOK AND ALL OF MY FAMILY…and IS WORSHIPPED BY ALL!!!….. just lead a mission trip to mexico AND MY DAUGHTER WENT WITH HIM!! i can;t do this. I am losing my mind. Everyone treats me like shit ACTUALLY NO ONE HAS SPOKEN ONE WORD TO ME IN2 YEARS…… and they worship the ground he walks on and he is a demon from hell. He has taken my ChILDREN FROM ME!!! AND THEN WRITES ABOUT REVIVAL AND GOD MOVING ON THE TRIP!!!!!! hE SHOWED ME HIS EVIL SIDE, AND NOW FLAUNTS THAT HE IS LEADING MISSION TRIPS, AND MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER WENT WITH HIM!!!
I SERIOUSLY AM LOSING MY MIND NOW. He would tell me I was crazy, demon possessed, and should watch “a beautiful life’ and i have stayed strong…but i CANT WIN!!! HE IS TOO STRONG FOR ME, AND AFTER 2 YEARS OF NC HIS INFLUENCE OVER THE PEOPLE OF MY LIFE JUST KEEPS GROWING,and he is being celebrated while everyone is convinced through him I am crazy…..i am not, Or I wasn’t but I am losing now. I have to go somewhere away from all the people that do not believe me.
….I HAVE TO START A NEW LIFE. i CAN’T LIVE HERE WERE i HAVE NO ONE IN THIS WHOLE COMMUNITY THAT BELIEVES ME!!!
I CAN;T DO THIS ANYMORE.
Bellangel, Can you move to a new place? Can you start somewhere else, to remove yourself from this painful environment?
I have a 17 yrs old in Jr. High that would have to live with my 1st spath…….but I seriously can;t do this anymore. I have sat alone 2 Christmases and 3 easters…….. no friends or family left. He has destroyed me. and I watch him WORSHIPPED as so GODLY and now my own daughter went on the mission trip he led!!!!!