Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide. Rebecca Potter works as a licensed mental health counselor in West Palm Beach, Florida.
I’m every woman ”¦ It’s all in me ”¦
By Rebecca Potter
Rebecca Potter profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
Sadly, on February 11, 2012, the world lost another woman’s voice when Whitney Elizabeth Houston died in her hotel room. The press talked about her drug and alcohol use, her bizarre behavior, etc. Reporters briefly mentioned her tumultuous marriage. Did we lose another beautiful woman’s voice to the tragic, permanent, emotional and physical side effects of leaving an abusive marriage, and/or the struggle of trying to protect her young child from a dangerous man in the legal system?
A quote from a news article reads:
“When Whitney Houston decided to end her marriage with Bobby Brown, the thought in many minds was why did this decision take so long in light of the history of infidelity, scandals, drug and alcohol arrests, and marital problems during their marriage?”
It appears that Whitney’s life took a turn for the worse when she entered into a relationship with Bobby Brown
Although I can only offer a hypothetical opinion as a therapist, her struggle seems hauntingly familiar. Is it possible that Whitney Houston suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Those of us who have left an abusive relationship understand the fear and anxiety we developed in the relationship. We know it is hard to leave, and repeated exposure to the trauma creates Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
The neurological and biological effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms affect our ability to clearly identify what is happening. The powerful biological responses of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may cause an abused woman to under react (dissociate) or to overreact (perhaps explaining some of Whitney’s bizarre behavior). What we also know is that the mere exposure to a dangerous man in a relationship causes a continuous roller coaster of biological and neurological reactions that affect our brain chemistry and create anxiety. This biological reaction from post traumatic stress disorder can be triggered instantly by any environmental cue (where the abuse occurred, angry voices, displeasure from someone, etc.), long after leaving the abusive situation.
Lack of effective medical treatment
Sadly, many women medicate this anxiety with drugs and alcohol. The medical community, governed by insurance corporations, will allow and cover drug and alcohol treatment usually only for 30 days. Drug and alcohol treatment is ineffective with patients who have suffered trauma and betrayal bonding. Still, the standard approach is to use prescription medication to treat the substance abuse. These professionals know all too well that an addict is going to relapse. Professionals know that recovery involves a desire to heal, to attend meetings, and professional therapy, for much more than 30 days of treatment.
Whitney went to treatment and possibly in treatment she was given her prescription medications. She left treatment early, but continued to be given the prescription medications, continued to abuse substances and possibly continued to be triggered by trauma symptoms. It is unlikely that she was informed and educated about the permanent and pervasive effects of a dangerous relationship.
What if Whitney would have been able to seek treatment to understand the betrayal bonding that occurred in her relationship with Bobby Brown?
What if ”¦
- she had been treated with biofeedback
- she learned to recognize the trauma triggers
- she had connected with a group of other women who could have supported her
- she had heard from other professional women who had given so much of themselves to a man who was not able to love and return love because of a serious mental illness and genetic disorder
- she heard from others that they endured the emotional , financial, mental traumas, who stayed because they were trying to live by God’s law and supporting an erratic husband
- she heard that many women feel relief when a husband finally hits them, because they are able to recognize physical abuse, but have become numb to verbal, mental, and financial abuse
- she knew what to expect when she went to the court system, that she would then be abused by attorneys who wanted what was left of her money and the fear she may have felt from a legal system that could award her child to an abuser
- she knew that due to mere exposure to the trauma and domestic violence her daughter could marry the same type of man
- she understood that personality disorders are an enduring pattern of behaviors; stable and long duration that are inflexible and pervasive across a broad range of personal and social situations
- she knew that the abuser could appear so supportive and caring to groom and gain her trust
- she knew that the sexual intensity between them was part of the betrayal bonding component
- she knew that many women begin substance use to try to connect with these abusive mates
- she knew that exposure to these kinds of people would leave her emotionally and physically ill and leaving him would expose her to devastating financial harm
- she knew that these abusers looked for injured folks and put up a mask to draw them in, usually with intense personalities and sex, only to take everything and leave them
- she could have let go of the fear and shame that haunted her
A tragedy
The world lost a beautiful musical voice. My hope is that the world learns from the tragedy of Whitney. To all other beautiful voices who may currently feel or have felt the pain of betrayal, I encourage treatment with professionals who understand the complex treatment of trauma, professionals who clearly understand the effects of abusive betrayal bonds used by so many in our society to take and pillage from innocent people.
God bless you and keep you Whitney Elizabeth Houston and ALL OTHER VOICES who struggle with healing from trauma bonding.
Rebecca Potter, LMHC is a licensed therapist in Florida who has also suffered trauma from a former abusive husband and a corrupt, abusive family court system. She can be reached at: tlc211@gmail.com.
For more information, read: Inside Whitney Houston’s violent marriage to Bobby Brown on TheDailyBeast.com.
Bella,
You need an ally. If you have evidence of his pedophilia, I would turn it into the police and let them investigate him. There are some cops that are aware of sociopaths. You may get lucky and get one of those.
Next – and this one is very important – DON’T LOOK AT HIS FACEBOOK. No contact whatsoever. I assume your daughter who went with him on the mission is grown and not underaged? (I hope anyway). If so, there is nothing you can do about it.
Third, I would go to a domestic violence shelter and ask them for resources. You need to find a counselor who is savvy about sociopaths.
You really have to start disconnecting from this man and all of his clan, even if that means giving up the people you thought were your friends. You can make new friends and find new social circles. But the bottom line is that he is not in your life anymore. If you continue to suffer over him, it is because you keep bringing his presence back into your life.
You have to make a commitment to really walk away. I can’t imagine how much you are suffering, and I’m so so sorry.
Bella,
In one of your above post you said something that struck me and I believe you might be in danger too if you expose him to the mission. Sounds like the mission is “his thing” and his people. So DON’T go to the mission to expose him.
That is the reason that it would be good for you if you could contact a lawyer. You need a person in your corner. An ally, like Star said.
Many lawyers offer a first visit where you don’t have to pay.
Explain to the lawyer that you are in FEAR of this man (so he is aware) and tell him/her what you do have to expose him.
Ask him for advice on this matter?
Dear Dear Bella,
In your pain which screams out from your posts, I see something that I think is part of your problem…you keep talking about how you watch what he is doing on face book, etc. so you are having CONTACT with him even though you are not talking to him, you keep emotionally STALKING HIM and what you see and hear is hurtful to you.
In order to heal, you must stop allowing him to hurt you by what you find out about him. Whatever his life APPEARS to be, you know it is not filled with love, it is filled with FAKE.
I agree that you should seek professional help, a therapist to help guide you in the direction of healing.
Being ALONE is a terrible feeling and you need someone to belive in you and support you as you heal. God bless you Bella, and comfort you, but YOU must take the first step and that is truly going NC with him….no stalking him through face book, or any other way. (((hugs)))
Bella,
There are also prepaid legal services that charge $17 a month. For that price you can have unlimited consultations with attorneys, and they can write letters on your behalf and do other things. I think there is one called Legal Shield. It’s not a bad idea if you are considering any kind of legal action with the spath.
Bella,
I don’t know what kind of attorney, but perhaps you could reach out to anti-porn or anti-child-porn groups and they could take the lead from there.
Your own issue is that you have prayed but you haven’t given it up to God. I understand, it’s very hard to do and I would be dishonest if I said I had completely reached that place.
NC is what you need to do to begin healing. I can see that you are very lonely and that’s a big part of the problem. If you can find a group of people who are supportive, that will make it easier. Look for groups that help with co-dependency, perhaps. Stay away from church groups, those have been your downfall in the past. Many of my friends are atheist or agnostic and it has not made a dent in my strong belief in God. Your relationship with God is deeply personal, you don’t have to discuss it with anyone.
sky, I agree
ok….I honestly have not looked on facebook or anything. I needed to ue my son’s computer and he had his facebook page up. My daughter who went with the Spath is 27 and completely taken by him. Her page was noticable and that is where I saw she had just returned from Mexico with this person. I was NOT prepared, as I have let him go and utterly am disgusted by him. I am trying to learn to let go of my girls ages, 21;27 and 30 but I ask God how do I stop LOVING my children????
I met with a councelor for the PTSD and it became clear that I have forgiven everyone except ME for bringing this evil man into my childrens and grandchildrens lives. in 10 months I undid my lifes work……my family……. to a Spath.
I do want to check into the lawyer. I had soooo much , and then one day my email was hacked into and completely erased. Everything gone. I had disks-5 of them hidden around my home- and everyone is gone so he has been in my home when I didn;t know it. I still have the pages that show his email account with what I said earlier….. He is obviously afraid of what I have on him…… I t may take a poor other soul to be preyed upon and then I willl have evidence to support her claims…..except he lives 3 states away and I may never hear what is happening. I will give him the rope and pray he hangs himself… like someone said earlier.
…..amazing how it can APPEAR God is blessing a ministry and bringing REVIVAL at the hands of a dangerous Spath.
Hugs to all and thank you for being there for me tonight.
Dear Vision (or lack if it)
Why is it that, if someone disagrees with your point of view, you brand them a SP? If you were aware of the 12-Step Programme, you’d see that I haven’t said anything different to these beliefs! You know nothing about me or my life!
At some stage you have to STOP blaming another person for the bad things in your life or you’ll endlessly wallow around in the pool of self-pity. That’s when you grow spiritually. It’s painful to admit that you were as much to blame as the SP by allowing yourself to be treated that way.
And I stand by the fact that if Whitney had wanted to turn her life around, she had more opportunities than most and the money to be able to do it. So again I say, she didn’t want change badly enough otherwise she’d be alive today.
🙂
Maamh,
Perhaps Vision wrote that because she experienced a spath like mine, who said that anyone with money should not have any problems, therefore he had no compassion for them.
The way spaths operate everything is reversed. The more money and power you have, the LESS likely you can escape from them. Part of the problem is that they demand that we take responsibility for everything that they do. My spath was an expert at using the pity ploy to get others to give him money or protection. Everyone was to blame for his behavior except him. He targeted people in positions of wealth and power whom he could con into covering his butt.
When a person is TOO willing to accept responsibility they are followed by a plethora of spaths with their hands out. I’m sure this was the case with Whitney. After a while the weight of the responsibility became to much and she was using crutches to cope – drugs.
You are right that the 12 steps could have been very helpful for giving up her responsibility and letting God take care of it. It’s possible that she couldn’t SEE this way out while she was surrounded by toxic people.
I know that I couldn’t see my way out either -I had been trained to accept all responsibility since I was 3 years old. I didn’t know what was happening. Nobody ever told me about this dynamic in relationshits. And because I was born into a toxic family, it all seemed normal. In the end, I only ran because I deduced that my spath was planning to kill me. His mask slipped. Even then, the only reason I figured out what a spath is, (so I stayed away) is because of a kind stranger in a sushi bar explained it to me and pointed me in the right direction.
bellaangel,
Sky’s (and everyone else’s) advice is good. Try and drop the matter (literally putting it into God’s hands, letting Him deal with it in His own way). Focus on yourself, your life. People will find out in time what the spath really is like – his true character (I know that it can’t happen soon enough). I realize that you want to protect others from being victimized by this man. You have tried to warn others (I applaud you on this), but they have refused to listen to you. You’ve done your part. Your ex-spath is wicked, we know that, always up to no good. I’m glad that he is three states away. Good riddance! Spend your time productively, taking good care of yourself.