Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide. Rebecca Potter works as a licensed mental health counselor in West Palm Beach, Florida.
I’m every woman ”¦ It’s all in me ”¦
By Rebecca Potter
Rebecca Potter profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
Sadly, on February 11, 2012, the world lost another woman’s voice when Whitney Elizabeth Houston died in her hotel room. The press talked about her drug and alcohol use, her bizarre behavior, etc. Reporters briefly mentioned her tumultuous marriage. Did we lose another beautiful woman’s voice to the tragic, permanent, emotional and physical side effects of leaving an abusive marriage, and/or the struggle of trying to protect her young child from a dangerous man in the legal system?
A quote from a news article reads:
“When Whitney Houston decided to end her marriage with Bobby Brown, the thought in many minds was why did this decision take so long in light of the history of infidelity, scandals, drug and alcohol arrests, and marital problems during their marriage?”
It appears that Whitney’s life took a turn for the worse when she entered into a relationship with Bobby Brown
Although I can only offer a hypothetical opinion as a therapist, her struggle seems hauntingly familiar. Is it possible that Whitney Houston suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Those of us who have left an abusive relationship understand the fear and anxiety we developed in the relationship. We know it is hard to leave, and repeated exposure to the trauma creates Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
The neurological and biological effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms affect our ability to clearly identify what is happening. The powerful biological responses of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may cause an abused woman to under react (dissociate) or to overreact (perhaps explaining some of Whitney’s bizarre behavior). What we also know is that the mere exposure to a dangerous man in a relationship causes a continuous roller coaster of biological and neurological reactions that affect our brain chemistry and create anxiety. This biological reaction from post traumatic stress disorder can be triggered instantly by any environmental cue (where the abuse occurred, angry voices, displeasure from someone, etc.), long after leaving the abusive situation.
Lack of effective medical treatment
Sadly, many women medicate this anxiety with drugs and alcohol. The medical community, governed by insurance corporations, will allow and cover drug and alcohol treatment usually only for 30 days. Drug and alcohol treatment is ineffective with patients who have suffered trauma and betrayal bonding. Still, the standard approach is to use prescription medication to treat the substance abuse. These professionals know all too well that an addict is going to relapse. Professionals know that recovery involves a desire to heal, to attend meetings, and professional therapy, for much more than 30 days of treatment.
Whitney went to treatment and possibly in treatment she was given her prescription medications. She left treatment early, but continued to be given the prescription medications, continued to abuse substances and possibly continued to be triggered by trauma symptoms. It is unlikely that she was informed and educated about the permanent and pervasive effects of a dangerous relationship.
What if Whitney would have been able to seek treatment to understand the betrayal bonding that occurred in her relationship with Bobby Brown?
What if ”¦
- she had been treated with biofeedback
- she learned to recognize the trauma triggers
- she had connected with a group of other women who could have supported her
- she had heard from other professional women who had given so much of themselves to a man who was not able to love and return love because of a serious mental illness and genetic disorder
- she heard from others that they endured the emotional , financial, mental traumas, who stayed because they were trying to live by God’s law and supporting an erratic husband
- she heard that many women feel relief when a husband finally hits them, because they are able to recognize physical abuse, but have become numb to verbal, mental, and financial abuse
- she knew what to expect when she went to the court system, that she would then be abused by attorneys who wanted what was left of her money and the fear she may have felt from a legal system that could award her child to an abuser
- she knew that due to mere exposure to the trauma and domestic violence her daughter could marry the same type of man
- she understood that personality disorders are an enduring pattern of behaviors; stable and long duration that are inflexible and pervasive across a broad range of personal and social situations
- she knew that the abuser could appear so supportive and caring to groom and gain her trust
- she knew that the sexual intensity between them was part of the betrayal bonding component
- she knew that many women begin substance use to try to connect with these abusive mates
- she knew that exposure to these kinds of people would leave her emotionally and physically ill and leaving him would expose her to devastating financial harm
- she knew that these abusers looked for injured folks and put up a mask to draw them in, usually with intense personalities and sex, only to take everything and leave them
- she could have let go of the fear and shame that haunted her
A tragedy
The world lost a beautiful musical voice. My hope is that the world learns from the tragedy of Whitney. To all other beautiful voices who may currently feel or have felt the pain of betrayal, I encourage treatment with professionals who understand the complex treatment of trauma, professionals who clearly understand the effects of abusive betrayal bonds used by so many in our society to take and pillage from innocent people.
God bless you and keep you Whitney Elizabeth Houston and ALL OTHER VOICES who struggle with healing from trauma bonding.
Rebecca Potter, LMHC is a licensed therapist in Florida who has also suffered trauma from a former abusive husband and a corrupt, abusive family court system. She can be reached at: tlc211@gmail.com.
For more information, read: Inside Whitney Houston’s violent marriage to Bobby Brown on TheDailyBeast.com.
Bellaangel – You dont ever stop loving your children. Ask God to help you accept the thing’s you can not change.
Dear Maamh,
I am sorry if you are offended by my opinions on your comments. I didn’t mean to upset you as we come here to heal…Maybe Sky is right about me…..But you seemed very angry with Whitney ….I can see that when someone has all the apparent means of obtaining help…with all the money to pay for that help…well…we wonder why they couldn’t be helped….so just maybe money has nothing to do with it..right?….
My Vision is what I see for the future for myself with the help I received from Lovefraud, the wonderful friends here…I am not a seer nor psychic trying to guess who and what you are….but you seem to know what Whitney was and who she was….
Firstly, what I said was that your comment “There is no-one else to blame but herself” sounded like it was spoken by a sociopath. I didn’t brand you with it as you said because I disagreed with your point of view. I said this because you sounded cold…
I pointed out that the comment you made “she didn’t want it badly enough” seemed cold, almost cruel, in my opinion. How do you know that she didn’t want it badly enough? Are you a psychic?…..The comments made on this thread by others points out better then I could express the hard road of addiction both to drugs, alcohol and a sociopath…isn’t this what we are learning here?
You say “Whitney was an addictive personality who died from drugs and drink. It’s as simple as that.”……I don’t feel it was as simple as that…..
To blame ourselves, as you said she had “no one else to blame but herself”, seems to miss the point of this site. Are not we shown the way at this site? That yes, there is someone to blame when we are victims of sociopaths? Taking responsibility yes, but how do you know to what extent she took responsibility?
So I stand by my opinion that none of us, including you, know exactly what she was thinking, doing, or to what extent she was involved with her recovery and we can only speculate. To say “she would be alive today if she wanted it badly enough” is not very insightful and makes her and some reading at this thread perhaps feel they are inadequate or that something is wrong with them when they feel they can’t get a grip or those who have relapsed…again…..
.I am a strong person, able to recover from my addictions to alcohol, cigarettes, sociopaths. It is all ongoing….I don’t desire these things, people anymore and have reached a wonderful point in my life, but I certainly would never judge anyone else….ever….nor feel that because I recovered that I wanted it badly enough but those who didn’t make it just didn’t…..
You say”she didn’t want change badly enough otherwise she’d be alive today” well, how do you know?……I say that no one, not even you, know the hearts, minds and souls….
“When a person is TOO willing to accept responsibility they are followed by a plethora of spaths with their hands out.”
So true.
Clair wrote:
“We must help ourselves to regain our strength & balance & once we’re stronger, then we can better help others.”
My thoughts exactly. 🙂
Ox Drover wrote:
“In order to heal, you must stop allowing him to hurt you by what you find out about him. Whatever his life APPEARS to be, you know it is not filled with love, it is filled with FAKE.”
Thank you for this reminder. One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with (and I’ve come a long way) is that he is probably NOT going to be forever happy in his new relationship, that it WASN’T JUST ME, it’s EVERYONE he gets close to. He will eventually verbally abuse and emotionally manipulate any woman…there was nothing wrong with ME. No one acts like that only for the duration of a single relationship and then goes back to being a normal person–it takes a lifetime to learn how to behave the way he did with me; it didn’t begin with me and it won’t end with me, either.
Thank you Clair. It was hard to see that he intended to kill me while I still believed he loved me or that he EVER loved me. Once I got past that denial, then everything else made sense: his idea that we should both write wills & his insistance that I should put my business in his name only, were BIG RED FLAGS.
We don’t have to be terribly intelligent to outsmart a spath, we only have to be willing to see reality clearly and toss out all that emotional slime that they confound us with.
Thank goodness you are way from him, skylar.
Vidya,
Exactly! It’s not you! I was reminded of that myself this evening.
A foreign friend of mine called me tonight. She spent two weeks together with me in Nicaragua during the last summer I was there with him. She had a room next to ours. She witnessed some of our fights, making up, etc…
She knew we had broken up and she knew my opinion about him after that without much story. But not until now have we spoken.
And during our phone conversation she said at some point: how to her we had lots of silly, stupid fights over details people in a healthy relationship normally don’t fight about. And then she added that to her it was because he would push towars it. To her I was giving him a lot of freedom, and he’d just use all the freedom and more until he provoked me. She reminded me that it was him, not me at all.
Dear Vidya,
Yep, it is not you….and they are all alike in that they are not going to ever be “happy” with any person, they will always “revert to type” and that type is ABUSIVE…if they cheated on him/her they will cheat on you.
The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.
So chin up chickie! He will eventually shoot himself in the foot! Rinse and repeat!
Ox Dover,
You have a great voice and know so well this type. I love the quote, “He will eventually shoot himself in the foot! Rinse and repeat!”
That is exactly what the sp does, injure, rinse and repeat on you if you stay and always on others when you are replaced.
Love your voice!!
Thank you rebeccap, not everyone loves my “voice” sometimes I’m pretty blunt as Thomas Payne once said “he cannot be honest who dare not offend.” In fact that quote is engraved on my horn cup for my living history group outfit. Sometimes honest offends, but like we say here “the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off!” LOL Can’t remember who said it first, some comic I think. It sure applies to the LoveFraud philosophy though.