Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Rebecca Potter works as a licensed mental health counselor in West Palm Beach, Florida. She can be reached at: tlc211@gmail.com.
Surviving betrayal and trauma
By Rebecca Potter
Rebecca Potter profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
I recently attended a workshop by Dr. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., author of The Betrayal Bond. I was shocked by the denial of the psychological community regarding the trauma experienced by survivors of emotional and sexual trauma. I took my worn and used copy of The Betrayal Bond to Dr. Carnes for his signature. He signed my copy and asked, “Why used?”
Dr. Carnes’ work has helped me surface from the web of pain and confusion developed while trying to safely escape an emotionally, verbally, financially abusive husband. When I left, I was further damaged by my exposure to the legal system and Family Court. There was no place that I could go to receive treatment, attorneys took advantage of me, insurance companies lied and hid fraud that they had committed with my former mate. Need Dr. Carnes ask why my copy was used and battered, somewhat like me?
Just get over it and move on
This was the attitude I faced when I tried to find professional legal help. The pain in my body was so real, yet invisible to anyone else. I couldn’t explain the terror that I felt when I had to sit in the same room with my former husband: The intense emotion I felt when he told the courtroom lies and the court believed those lies without evidence. The permission that the Court gave to him, which allowed him to further abuse me and how I was ignored and told, “Just get over it and move on.”
The impact of sexual addiction induced trauma
The field of treatment and intervention for disorders related to compulsive sexual behavior and sexual addiction is a new emerging field. Research has focused on the sexual addict, creating models for diagnosis and treatment, while the partners of sex addicts have been neglected and ignored.
Current clinical treatment models prefer to address the partner of a sex addict as a codependent or co-addict, which basically implies that the partner has their own disease termed: co-addiction or codependency. Codependency is in a category of a process addiction—an addiction to certain mood-altering behaviors, such as a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively care-taking ways that negatively impact one’s relationships and quality of life. Other process addictions include: gambling, food, shopping, spending and hoarding.
The clinical needs of partners of sexual addicts continue to be ignored, minimized, obscured and gravely misunderstood. Partners actually often experience clinically significant sex addiction induced trauma. These traumatic symptoms are a result from the direct impact of sex addiction:
- chronic patterns of sexual acting out
- relational perpetration
- emotional abuse
- deception
- betrayal
- psychological manipulation
Traditional therapists continue to ignore the symptoms of trauma. These partners often present with symptoms that match rape trauma syndrome and post traumatic stress disorder. Sex addiction-induced trauma is a highly specific type of trauma that involves symptoms of fear and panic of potential disease and contamination, fear of child safety and potential of child molestation, social isolation, embarrassment, shame, guilt and intense relational rupture and attachment injuries.
Neglecting the treatment of trauma and focusing instead on co-addiction and codependency are inadequate and clinically contra-indicated, wrought with moral and ethical challenges. Partners and spouses of sex addicts are a profoundly and clinically traumatized population requiring informed care and ethical treatment.
Recovery
I know, because I experienced similar trauma. Recovery has been a long road. I still experience flashbacks and have adrenal fatigue when my symptoms are triggered. I have started women’s and men’s relationship recovery groups. We meet each week to support each other with the withdrawal of leaving a chaotic relationship and help each other process the deep brain injuries from the exploitation and trauma.
I also suggest that survivors participate in online support groups if they are not able to find a trauma therapist in their area. One online group : www.adultchildrenofalcholics.org. There are phone meetings daily. The websites will list the phone meetings. The pain that you are experiencing is real and must be processed with those who understand trauma.
I look at my marriage as an educational process that I needed to experience to assist others in healing. Yes, my ex will marry others and commit the same abuse. There will be many women and children harmed by his manipulation.
Compartmentalization should be added to the list…
As the RO hearing approaches (Wed) I find myself with butterflies in my stomach. I had hoped NEVER to see this man again or hear his voice. I dont know what lies he and his attorney are going to tell. I am dissapointed that I was not able to get the pictures of the assualt from the police department as they wont release them bc the case is still open, he is going to court for that Nov. 16th.
I often wondered if I would have been better off had I not come across my x-spath’s online trail that indicated at least porn addiction/sex obsession, since this revelation, and its implications of an HIV infection, completely blew me out of the water regarding my impression of the x-spath.
My biggest mistake was not confronting him…
Alina…..Just tell the judge about the pics. The judge knows the ‘legalities’ behind why cops won’t release info.
Butterflies are normal…..healthy…..and you’ll have them all the way until you get home from court! Expect that reaction.
Whether or not you never wanted to see him again…..was/is NOT up to you. It’s BEST you took the bull by the balls and initiated this order…..
Don’t worry about the outcome, he’s facing charges…..I don’t see a problem with you getting an order extended….and go for the maximum!
Try to remember to Breath…….and hold your head high! Don’t give him too much of you or your energy in fear.
XXOO
EB
Coping ~ take a break from it for awhile, put the reading away for awhile, spaths are not going to change when you take a break and don’t worry about Jr.’s development, it will happen when it happens. What Jr. needs right now is a healthy, happy mommy, not a child development expert.
Jr. has been sick, that causes you to miss sleep and become anxious. It is not an easy time, you need to take care of yourself. Do something relaxing and fun for awhile, maybe a walk with the stroller or read Jr. “Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You.” (it’s much more interesting that what you have been reading).
Just be kind to yourself for a little while, OK???
Love – MiLo
Alina ~ the best of luck to you, you will do just fine.
Hugs – MiLo
Alina, I agree with Milo and EB, just hold your head up and tell the judge about the CHARGES and the pictures….you will do fine! Nervous is normal! (((hugs))) and my prayers for you!
DEAR COPING – It takes a long time. and it takes the time it does.
pay attention to what you need to deal with right now – the spath stuff will have to wait (it’s not like it is going to go away….)
Sometimes when you post i wonder if you are dealing with post-partum depression. have you talked to your doc about that?
today you sound frustrated and angry. frustration sucks, but anger is good – it’s gotta come out. i have noticed that on lf that when someone gets really frustrated, scared or angry they are often on the verge of a breakthrough. so maybe you are.
i hope i am – i have been so angry lately it’s a wonder someone hasn’t gotten punched. in my case i know a lot of it has to do with experiencing a lot of loss and a no sense of control.
it won’t just go away coping – but you can learn to be patient with yourself and the process. you are doing such a good job when you look at all that you have done and the challenges you are facing.
getting over a spath is not like anything else you have ever experienced, nor are likely too again – there just isn’t a road map. and because it cuts deep, it takes a long time to find our way…but you will make it. maybe just not on your ‘timeline’. xo one joy
Part of the reason I’m still battling depression is that I feel sexually violated. It took me a long time to figure it out.
I never wanted casual sex. It’s not who I am. Sex means something to me. I know now he was using my body as a real live sex toy. I was an instrument for masturbation.
I’m not sure yet how to deal with this.
DawnG,
The most important aspect about sex is that both partners have similar expectations and intentions from it. If both partners want casual sex, it can be a nice experience, though nothing comparable to making mutual love. But if one regards it just as sex, or worse as a way to have power and control over someone, while the other sees it as an event to make love, it hurts… and when it was done in a deceiving manner, yes it feels like you’ve been used, abused and violated. Because that was not what you wanted.
It is not an easy subject to deal with, let alone talk with people about it.
Hugs.