Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Rebecca Potter works as a licensed mental health counselor in West Palm Beach, Florida. She can be reached at: tlc211@gmail.com.
Surviving betrayal and trauma
By Rebecca Potter
Rebecca Potter profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
I recently attended a workshop by Dr. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., author of The Betrayal Bond. I was shocked by the denial of the psychological community regarding the trauma experienced by survivors of emotional and sexual trauma. I took my worn and used copy of The Betrayal Bond to Dr. Carnes for his signature. He signed my copy and asked, “Why used?”
Dr. Carnes’ work has helped me surface from the web of pain and confusion developed while trying to safely escape an emotionally, verbally, financially abusive husband. When I left, I was further damaged by my exposure to the legal system and Family Court. There was no place that I could go to receive treatment, attorneys took advantage of me, insurance companies lied and hid fraud that they had committed with my former mate. Need Dr. Carnes ask why my copy was used and battered, somewhat like me?
Just get over it and move on
This was the attitude I faced when I tried to find professional legal help. The pain in my body was so real, yet invisible to anyone else. I couldn’t explain the terror that I felt when I had to sit in the same room with my former husband: The intense emotion I felt when he told the courtroom lies and the court believed those lies without evidence. The permission that the Court gave to him, which allowed him to further abuse me and how I was ignored and told, “Just get over it and move on.”
The impact of sexual addiction induced trauma
The field of treatment and intervention for disorders related to compulsive sexual behavior and sexual addiction is a new emerging field. Research has focused on the sexual addict, creating models for diagnosis and treatment, while the partners of sex addicts have been neglected and ignored.
Current clinical treatment models prefer to address the partner of a sex addict as a codependent or co-addict, which basically implies that the partner has their own disease termed: co-addiction or codependency. Codependency is in a category of a process addiction—an addiction to certain mood-altering behaviors, such as a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively care-taking ways that negatively impact one’s relationships and quality of life. Other process addictions include: gambling, food, shopping, spending and hoarding.
The clinical needs of partners of sexual addicts continue to be ignored, minimized, obscured and gravely misunderstood. Partners actually often experience clinically significant sex addiction induced trauma. These traumatic symptoms are a result from the direct impact of sex addiction:
- chronic patterns of sexual acting out
- relational perpetration
- emotional abuse
- deception
- betrayal
- psychological manipulation
Traditional therapists continue to ignore the symptoms of trauma. These partners often present with symptoms that match rape trauma syndrome and post traumatic stress disorder. Sex addiction-induced trauma is a highly specific type of trauma that involves symptoms of fear and panic of potential disease and contamination, fear of child safety and potential of child molestation, social isolation, embarrassment, shame, guilt and intense relational rupture and attachment injuries.
Neglecting the treatment of trauma and focusing instead on co-addiction and codependency are inadequate and clinically contra-indicated, wrought with moral and ethical challenges. Partners and spouses of sex addicts are a profoundly and clinically traumatized population requiring informed care and ethical treatment.
Recovery
I know, because I experienced similar trauma. Recovery has been a long road. I still experience flashbacks and have adrenal fatigue when my symptoms are triggered. I have started women’s and men’s relationship recovery groups. We meet each week to support each other with the withdrawal of leaving a chaotic relationship and help each other process the deep brain injuries from the exploitation and trauma.
I also suggest that survivors participate in online support groups if they are not able to find a trauma therapist in their area. One online group : www.adultchildrenofalcholics.org. There are phone meetings daily. The websites will list the phone meetings. The pain that you are experiencing is real and must be processed with those who understand trauma.
I look at my marriage as an educational process that I needed to experience to assist others in healing. Yes, my ex will marry others and commit the same abuse. There will be many women and children harmed by his manipulation.
I had to look it up, because I never heard of it. I hope the recovery does not take too long.
Thanks, Darwin’s mom, I live in “Tick country” so am very aware of most of the diseases they carry and transmit. For several years I was the primary care provider (Nurse Practitioner) out here in the sticks in a rural health clinic, so boned up on the diseases then because I had patients with them show up fairly frequently. I also have a house dog (actually, since Sunday, TWO house dogs!) and though I know better, he sleeps with me! LOL Okay, I’m a woosie push over!
Oxy ~ I have been told (have no idea if it’s true) that the ticks that carry Rocky Mountain often hang out in wood piles. We don’t see it too much in our area, New Lyme, but not Rocky Mountain. I always do a “tick check” when we
have been in the woods.
Hope you feel better.
Kim,
We talk about red flags here to protect ourselves from spaths. I’m beginning to see that people are beginning to lean too heavily on these flags and if someone hasn’t got each and everyone, then they proclaim it isn’t a spath.
Well spaths come in different shapes, sizes and colors. They are as varied as their masks. My spath never abandoned me either. 25.5 years later I ran from him because I knew he was going to OFF ME. But you know what he said? “I would NEVER have left you.” Which I know to be completely TRUE. He wouldn’t have left me while there was still life in this body. He also said, “You know, maybe one day, when things are different, we can get together and have lunch.” WTF?
Your ex IS A SPATH. The audacity is the red flag. N’s are not that audacious, they are just entitled. You say your ex wanted to be caught. Those words carry a connotation of wanting to be caught and stopped. As though he needs you to be his conscience. That’s because we anthropomorphize them.
He did want to be caught. So that you would freak out and he could enjoy the drama. Then you’re back on the roller coaster. This was planned so you would always fail at what you wanted. Intuitively, you KNEW THIS. That’s why you put the note down. You’d been there done that before and you knew it would derail your plans. You were so dead set on making your dreams come true that you determined to use self-amnesia, until you had gotten what you came for. Kudos to you.
Most of the spaths in my life are the nicest people you’d ever meet. None of them would ever abandon me either. They want me to always be there for them. But they are evil.
Milo,
They are EVERYWHERE here….and this time of year they hatch out, and there are ZILLIONS of little babies, in “piles” or “nests” everywhere. Since I live in the woods, they are all around me, and I do frequent (2 x a day) tick checks with a mirror and check every crevice on my body, but sometimes one will get by me and I won’t catch it until he starts to ITCH and by then it is time for disease to be transmitted.
I also treat and check the animals as well….but sheet happens.
They are like sociopaths…they burrow into our lives and leave disaster.
Kimmie, I think I agree with Sky on this one….he loved the drama and never for one second thought he would have any “consequences” to you finding out except more DRAMA RAMA. I think the species “gets off” on having two women fight over then, and over the “getting away with it” crap.
My P son enjoyed the “challenge” of doing something “wrong” and even the getting caught. It was like a gambling addict gets off on THE WIN OR THE LOSS…it doesn’t matter, either way it is an adrenaline RUSH!
They convince us that they are “trying” to love us and be “good” to us….Call BS on that!
Oxy,
is there any insect repellant or fumigation you can spray around the property, to at least minimize your chances of getting one on you?
I’ve read that they are exactly like spaths. They actually know to position themselves along frequented trails. And when they see someone coming down the path, they will climb higher and position themselves where they can jump on you more easily.
I’m not kidding. I read about this years ago (not the spath part) that they don’t just leave their feeding to chance, they actively work to get in the right position to find hosts.
So if you can spray down paths and trails and then stay on them, you’ll have a better chance.
Sky, Yes, I do spray around my porch and yard area with insecticide to kill them….but my dogs and cats don’t stay “on the paths” LOL My inside cat doesn’t go out, but the outside cats come on the porches and into the yard. They killed a small baby poison snake yesterday and brought it to me as a present! LOL
The down side is they also bring ticks up as well. I do put a solution on their backs that helps to kill ticks on them and repel ticks from them, but there is no ABSOLUTE way to keep them 100% safe or me 100% safe from ticks.
I put spray on the dog that repels the ticks somewhat, sort of like spraying your clothing with OFF! before you go out, and if I am going out much around the farm, I spray my clothes with OFF! as well. I have a bottle by the front door, and in each vehicle and in each bathroom!
The deer and mouse population keep the ticks well fed and keep the diseases active as well. My vet told me that the kind of tick borne disease my dog had was brought to this area by a guy who ran “fox hounds” and he brought in a bunch of infected dogs and my area is the “hot spot” for them in the state! When I was a kid they sprayed and dipped cattle yearly with DDT and there Were NO ticks around, but in the 70s when DDT was outlawed and they were allowed to import cattle from Texas and Oklahoma without spraying or dipping them the ticks moved in with them and the deer repopulated about that time as well, so we have plenty of tick borne diseases now.
With West Nile virus now in the US and it is around here as well with frequent dead birds being tested as + for West Nile, and there are many other diseases that are “new” or “renewed” as well, including the Lymes.
When I was in Africa I became aware of all the potential for diseases with insect vectors. I do keep the mosquitoes down by watching that I don’t have standing water around the place, but it is difficult to control every potential disease.
Ox, do you use Frontline on them? Or Advantage? Those are the best for bug critters on fluffy critters.
Okay, it’s bed time for real this time. Night night.
Kim,
I feel for you and know exactly what you are going through. Today I found this site and it has helped me to interpret what happened in my failed marriage and that it was beyond my control and I have not been to blame but actually the victim of a sociopath. You really try even though you know deep down that things just don’t add up. You feel you are going crazy and they tell you you are being paranoid. Then when they are ready to leave they make it easy for you to find out that they were having an affair all along. They blame you for this anyway. I honestly do believe though that if I had have tried to leave with his knowledge, when I had realised that he was actually just using me before he had taken all the money I had left he would have possibly killed me. It takes a really strong person to rise from the flames and get their life back on track. I was on the verge of suicide but my little dog who had been a faithful friend throughout kept me from this. It is a long road but you are far from alone.