Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Rebecca Potter works as a licensed mental health counselor in West Palm Beach, Florida. She can be reached at: tlc211@gmail.com.
Surviving betrayal and trauma
By Rebecca Potter
Rebecca Potter profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
I recently attended a workshop by Dr. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., author of The Betrayal Bond. I was shocked by the denial of the psychological community regarding the trauma experienced by survivors of emotional and sexual trauma. I took my worn and used copy of The Betrayal Bond to Dr. Carnes for his signature. He signed my copy and asked, “Why used?”
Dr. Carnes’ work has helped me surface from the web of pain and confusion developed while trying to safely escape an emotionally, verbally, financially abusive husband. When I left, I was further damaged by my exposure to the legal system and Family Court. There was no place that I could go to receive treatment, attorneys took advantage of me, insurance companies lied and hid fraud that they had committed with my former mate. Need Dr. Carnes ask why my copy was used and battered, somewhat like me?
Just get over it and move on
This was the attitude I faced when I tried to find professional legal help. The pain in my body was so real, yet invisible to anyone else. I couldn’t explain the terror that I felt when I had to sit in the same room with my former husband: The intense emotion I felt when he told the courtroom lies and the court believed those lies without evidence. The permission that the Court gave to him, which allowed him to further abuse me and how I was ignored and told, “Just get over it and move on.”
The impact of sexual addiction induced trauma
The field of treatment and intervention for disorders related to compulsive sexual behavior and sexual addiction is a new emerging field. Research has focused on the sexual addict, creating models for diagnosis and treatment, while the partners of sex addicts have been neglected and ignored.
Current clinical treatment models prefer to address the partner of a sex addict as a codependent or co-addict, which basically implies that the partner has their own disease termed: co-addiction or codependency. Codependency is in a category of a process addiction—an addiction to certain mood-altering behaviors, such as a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively care-taking ways that negatively impact one’s relationships and quality of life. Other process addictions include: gambling, food, shopping, spending and hoarding.
The clinical needs of partners of sexual addicts continue to be ignored, minimized, obscured and gravely misunderstood. Partners actually often experience clinically significant sex addiction induced trauma. These traumatic symptoms are a result from the direct impact of sex addiction:
- chronic patterns of sexual acting out
- relational perpetration
- emotional abuse
- deception
- betrayal
- psychological manipulation
Traditional therapists continue to ignore the symptoms of trauma. These partners often present with symptoms that match rape trauma syndrome and post traumatic stress disorder. Sex addiction-induced trauma is a highly specific type of trauma that involves symptoms of fear and panic of potential disease and contamination, fear of child safety and potential of child molestation, social isolation, embarrassment, shame, guilt and intense relational rupture and attachment injuries.
Neglecting the treatment of trauma and focusing instead on co-addiction and codependency are inadequate and clinically contra-indicated, wrought with moral and ethical challenges. Partners and spouses of sex addicts are a profoundly and clinically traumatized population requiring informed care and ethical treatment.
Recovery
I know, because I experienced similar trauma. Recovery has been a long road. I still experience flashbacks and have adrenal fatigue when my symptoms are triggered. I have started women’s and men’s relationship recovery groups. We meet each week to support each other with the withdrawal of leaving a chaotic relationship and help each other process the deep brain injuries from the exploitation and trauma.
I also suggest that survivors participate in online support groups if they are not able to find a trauma therapist in their area. One online group : www.adultchildrenofalcholics.org. There are phone meetings daily. The websites will list the phone meetings. The pain that you are experiencing is real and must be processed with those who understand trauma.
I look at my marriage as an educational process that I needed to experience to assist others in healing. Yes, my ex will marry others and commit the same abuse. There will be many women and children harmed by his manipulation.
Hi LF. Welcome, Rebecca. Great article, and very timely for me.
I finally asked the library to track down, ” the Betrayal Bond” for me and issue me an inter library loan, though I haven’t recieved it yet. I have been wanting to read that book for the last couple of years, but since I am out of all bad relationships and haven’t even dated in several years, I didn’t feel any real urgency….
This is the strange thing: I was in an extremely toxic relationship for seven years and was obviously trauma bonded! I finally got free of that relationship 4 years ago, and began the process of working through the grief and anger, etc. etc. Once it seemed I’d found some peace with that, I found myself obssessing over my decades past maariage, and I am finding that it all feels like it happened yesterday!!! That was the biggest heartache of my life and so totally mind warping!!!
After a gross infidelity in which he left me a Dear Joan letter, and got in his car, only to return and act like it was all in my imagination…..long, long story….but we tried to work it out and I stayed for another 6 years. I got treatment, but he didn’t, and the treatment I was recieving focused on me and my problems, so he was not discussed much, but it’s quite possible he had a sexual addiction…he had many symptoms,including impotance with his wife and porn addiction. While it’s probably 10 or 15 years old, a very good book on the subject is entitled, “Women, Sex and Addiction”, and explores both the psychology of sexual addiction in women, but also sexual co-dependancy, and also goes into what lies behind the addiction of male sex addicts. It’s a very compassionate book and at the same time, very healing and empowering! I highly recommend it.
I know this is a long post, but don’t have access to pc of my own so don’t get here much anymore, but wondered what you all think about this current obsessing over the past. This is a past I thought I had dealt with, but, I am now remembering things that I repressed, or disassociated from, altogether…..these memories, while painful, are clearing up alot of cog dis that used to torture me and make me feel crazy. I long ago decided I had to give up trying to wrap my mind around the situation with first crazy making, heartbreaking husband, because I would never know the truth, and I would never know what really happened.
Also want to know whether you’ll think that emotional abuse is a big enough a buse to be considered traumatic? Can it lead to PTSD and all it;s inherant symptoms??
I have become aware of my ability to disassociate, and how often I have done it…
Any comments, answers, or advise is appreciated. Thanks.
Oh and SK, I soo identify with your post, above. I have been doing a lot of theraputic writing lately and I just wrote something like, “I need a daisy, then I’d knoe for sure…he loved me, he loved me not. Crazy. But I still don’t know.
I’m trying to remember the chonology of events, which is really hard to do since it was 23 years ago.
And I’m afraid of having false memories, too.
What was most traumatic about the whole thing was that he convinced me that our problems were all because of the pressures and time constraints of his job. I waited 5 years for him to finish that tour of duty, and thought that we we be starting our new beginning. Sometime in the lat 5 or 6 months he fell head over heals in love with someone else. But I could see the guilt all over him, and he actually got more attentive. He played love songs for me….you know the one’s, You’re the only one for me….this is only a phase, and we’ll be together forever….then at the zero hour, when his tour of duty was over and we were a week away from packing up and moving to Florida, he leaves me a dear joan letter, and leaves on an out of town errand that would supposedly keep him over-night, but he comes back with tears in his eyes and his face in his hands. Until then, I hadn’t noticed the letter, addressed to me and sealed and unopened. Just like bad drama, I happened to see it, and reach for it, and he pleaded and begged me not to open it….so, I didn’t.
Just to give full account to the cog dis, we went to an awards ceremony, out of town in a fancy hotel, where he had me in one room and her in another. We met each-other, and while I’m sure she knew who I was, I didn’t have a clue who she was, (but, I did know something was wrong and suspected he was cheating). She left the ceremony, then talked to the band in the hall and asked them to dedicate, “save the last dance for me” to my husband, Which the band innoscently did. Not long after that, we were dancing to, “can I have this dance for the rest of my life. We drank a martini that night, because he had only drank one, before and it was on our wedding night.
He dissappeared for hours and I went up to our room alon. When he came in, in the wee hours, he was more cuddley and loving than he’d been in years. WTF?
That was two and a half weeks before our schedualed move, and the mystery letter. Did I say, WTF?
Damn, guys. I’ve got to go. I really wanted some feed-back. Hopefully, I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon. Send me some white light, please. This stuff is tough. I didn’t even remember the letter til yesterday.
Kimmy
He’s not a sex addict. He’s an spath. Game player. Mindfarker. Eating cake and having it too. Just not into you yet wanted you to give up your life b/c he’s looking to see if the grass is greener (it’s not for him but it is FOR YOU.) and he was playing the BULLLLLLL.
He cuddled in the wee hours b/c he thought you’d be mad and he wanted to calm you. WHY weren’t you mad?
Heartbreaking. NAME him for what he is and don’t give him any more exuses b/c excuses keep you hooked.
So so so sorry.
Katy
Kim
What a slime. I am so sorry.
Superkid
Hi kimmie;
You KNOW what that letter said (spelled it out)…..YOU KNOW where he was that night (with her). and you KNOW why he came in late and cuddled up to you……(guilt and appeasment of you)
From my experience…..once our eyes are opened (like with your recent toxic experience ), we have to go ‘All the way back’ through our lives to figure out ‘how’ we got to ‘today’. I don’t believe we can just focus on ‘this episode'(latest hub) or fragmented healing. One turn leads to another. We may be able to keep parts of our past at bay…..for a while…..but it doesn’t make them ‘go away’. Healing also doesn’t come in an ‘order’, we tend to deal with the most pressing first, which uncovers undealt with garbage.
Learning about sociopaths and toxic people has been the tallest order i’ve encountered in my life thus far. And the biggest challenge to heal from. Healing is letting it out, recognizing it, grieving…..and then closing our eyes and seeing where we land. Once one issue is dealt with, another comes out of it.
I think it’s highly normal what’s creeping out currently.
I can relate to you with my parents. I KNOW theres a problem…..but I just didn’t want to, or haven’t had the energy to address ‘that’ part of my life wholy. It’s still there……and it still creeps into ‘active’ mode……but until I disect it completely……it’s left unturned.
I haven’t brought it to the surface voluntarily, because the spath consumed me…..then healing from that consumed me, then the divorce consumed me, then my illness consumed me….and onto the foreclosure and financial mess consumed me…..My parental issues played a roll in ALL of the above…..but I had to focus on only so much at a time…..and that part of my life was the only one I could set aside….for now.
It WILL rise up…..It does RISE up……and it WON”T go away until addressed.
I think this is what is happening with your emotions in regards to first husband. He’s also in your life on some level. (If I recall) You KNOW what he is….that has been no secret for you….so NOW is your time to address it.
We do not have a choice in grief and processing…..nothing ever goes away….you’ve just kept it in a box….until now!
Sometimes that box swells so much it explodes and makes a mess in our lives…..and that is telling you…>NOW IS THE TIME.
Once we’ve dealt with all previous life issues that brought us to ‘today’…..only then…is when we can step forward with a free spirit.
XXOO
EB
Hey EB
You are right. SPATH abuse is all consuming.
A big thankee from me. “I had to focus on only so much at a time.” ME TOO (have lots of those when I read LF posts!). When I wonder why I didn’t just accept the truth and get my act together… yeah I forgot how mindfarked I was, how physically sick, how depressed, how other issues came up, how I had to concentrate on little things b/c I was SO OVERWHELMED I couldn’t handle more than a shower, or getting food, or washing a load of clothes. Wow. If I hadn’t kept journals, I’d have forgetten the road I took to get here. It’s the same overwhelming mindset that looked for excuses with my husband b/c the truth was too much to bear. Now the truth is fine, it’s freeing. Weird how I had to learn to empower myself and reconnect with myself b/f I could handle the truth. And then forgive myself for being so gullible, a dupe, weak, ridiculous, silly, thick headed, foggy, whinney, wussy…
I am on solid ground now and nobody to fark with. I don’t react. I’m not defensive or knee jerk any more. I THINK and I plan my response to be effective and concise. Have to give credit to LF, wouldna happened without wise words of support and examples from remarkable LF members.
Kim
When did all this happen? Was it recent?
So, the good news is, if he’s still with HER, he’s probably cheating on her too. He hasn’t changed. It grosses me out that he came into your room in the wee morning hours. It was a total slime thing to do. It was intentionally evil. He was getting off on being with her, and then with you.
The martini was a kick in your face. It was intentional. He wanted to hurt you.
When you think about the crying episode, was it fake? He may have realized he should be doing SOMETHING, mimicing a film or ?
Run, Kim, run. Don’t look back. You want a guy who would never do that to you. Who is appreciating YOU.
sk
Coping – You won’t offend me if you need to vent and take out some anger issues on future trolls. Practise make’s perfect.
Kim,
I agree with Katy and EB. But I would qualify Katy’s statement a bit – he might have been a sex addict, but he was probably a spath first and foremost, with sex addiction as a sub-characteristic.
Lizzy made a good point to someone the other day about how Ss love to walk the tightrope of “almost getting caught.” That is so true, and I think we should put that on the Top Fifteen Red Flag List. Mine did that to an astonishing degree, and your Hotel experience sounds like the same thing to a T.
But the main thing I would add to the others’ comments is that with Ss, not only is the reality worse than we imagine – it’s worse than we CAN imagine! So whatever vileness you think might have been in that letter, it’s a safe bet that it was FAR WORSE even than your blackest fantasies.
It sucks, but I think that’s likely the truth of the matter. In fact, it’s kind of like those Russian “Nesting Matryoshka dolls”: Only with Sociopaths, instead of the cute pudgy girl, it’s more like a horror within a horror within a horror within a horror within a horror within a horror within a horror within a horror within a horror! And just when you think you’ve at last come to the FINAL horror – voila! – there is yet ANOTHER horrible little surprise lurking inside!
You can almost get PTSD just thinking about it!