Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Rebecca Potter works as a licensed mental health counselor in West Palm Beach, Florida. She can be reached at: tlc211@gmail.com.
Surviving betrayal and trauma
By Rebecca Potter
Rebecca Potter profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
I recently attended a workshop by Dr. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., author of The Betrayal Bond. I was shocked by the denial of the psychological community regarding the trauma experienced by survivors of emotional and sexual trauma. I took my worn and used copy of The Betrayal Bond to Dr. Carnes for his signature. He signed my copy and asked, “Why used?”
Dr. Carnes’ work has helped me surface from the web of pain and confusion developed while trying to safely escape an emotionally, verbally, financially abusive husband. When I left, I was further damaged by my exposure to the legal system and Family Court. There was no place that I could go to receive treatment, attorneys took advantage of me, insurance companies lied and hid fraud that they had committed with my former mate. Need Dr. Carnes ask why my copy was used and battered, somewhat like me?
Just get over it and move on
This was the attitude I faced when I tried to find professional legal help. The pain in my body was so real, yet invisible to anyone else. I couldn’t explain the terror that I felt when I had to sit in the same room with my former husband: The intense emotion I felt when he told the courtroom lies and the court believed those lies without evidence. The permission that the Court gave to him, which allowed him to further abuse me and how I was ignored and told, “Just get over it and move on.”
The impact of sexual addiction induced trauma
The field of treatment and intervention for disorders related to compulsive sexual behavior and sexual addiction is a new emerging field. Research has focused on the sexual addict, creating models for diagnosis and treatment, while the partners of sex addicts have been neglected and ignored.
Current clinical treatment models prefer to address the partner of a sex addict as a codependent or co-addict, which basically implies that the partner has their own disease termed: co-addiction or codependency. Codependency is in a category of a process addiction—an addiction to certain mood-altering behaviors, such as a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively care-taking ways that negatively impact one’s relationships and quality of life. Other process addictions include: gambling, food, shopping, spending and hoarding.
The clinical needs of partners of sexual addicts continue to be ignored, minimized, obscured and gravely misunderstood. Partners actually often experience clinically significant sex addiction induced trauma. These traumatic symptoms are a result from the direct impact of sex addiction:
- chronic patterns of sexual acting out
- relational perpetration
- emotional abuse
- deception
- betrayal
- psychological manipulation
Traditional therapists continue to ignore the symptoms of trauma. These partners often present with symptoms that match rape trauma syndrome and post traumatic stress disorder. Sex addiction-induced trauma is a highly specific type of trauma that involves symptoms of fear and panic of potential disease and contamination, fear of child safety and potential of child molestation, social isolation, embarrassment, shame, guilt and intense relational rupture and attachment injuries.
Neglecting the treatment of trauma and focusing instead on co-addiction and codependency are inadequate and clinically contra-indicated, wrought with moral and ethical challenges. Partners and spouses of sex addicts are a profoundly and clinically traumatized population requiring informed care and ethical treatment.
Recovery
I know, because I experienced similar trauma. Recovery has been a long road. I still experience flashbacks and have adrenal fatigue when my symptoms are triggered. I have started women’s and men’s relationship recovery groups. We meet each week to support each other with the withdrawal of leaving a chaotic relationship and help each other process the deep brain injuries from the exploitation and trauma.
I also suggest that survivors participate in online support groups if they are not able to find a trauma therapist in their area. One online group : www.adultchildrenofalcholics.org. There are phone meetings daily. The websites will list the phone meetings. The pain that you are experiencing is real and must be processed with those who understand trauma.
I look at my marriage as an educational process that I needed to experience to assist others in healing. Yes, my ex will marry others and commit the same abuse. There will be many women and children harmed by his manipulation.
SkyLar
sad isn’t it. the realization that we couldn’t leave unless he FINALLY granted permission. yet it was all a lie and he never really wanted us.
did i really leave him or did i go after he discarded me. did he really let go or did he meet someone worthy and i became invisable, non existent.
sometimes i still struggle with telling myself the truth and yet it’s ALL true. i did leave. i barely got away. if i hadn’t moved without his knowing, would i have survived? i don’t know. it was chosing to erase myself which accidentally gave me space to escape the abuse, space to stop giving him control over always being first.
take care my kindred spirit. even as i feel strong, i know the hurts that used to be so painful that i buried feeling anything at all. hope that’s not your headspace now. i really would not wish him on my most hated enemy. no one deserves that empty abyss.
Hens
I learned from my husband that if what he said to me really hurt, it was the truth. That’s how I discerned lies vs truth.
Going to take a walk. This stuff is why I love LF members I’ve never met. B/c you are my sisters/brothers. And I am protective and loyal. Watch out for Skyler. I worry for her sometimes.
katy – wow – spot on for me: ‘if what he said to me really hurt, it was the truth. That’s how I discerned lies vs truth.’
Hens
I think He was so shallow he didn’t think that far ahead. That’s what I realized about my husband, my brilliant, intelligent husband who when he wants something, is able to lie so convincingly that people like me would stake their lives on being sure of his character, and yet we are wrong. He was NEVER complex. He was SO shallow that when he decided we didn’t matter, he was unable to think far enough ahead to make the lies believable. Sorry to lump him with my lowlife, but that is THEIR club, which I am so happy you do NOT BELONG, and neither do I.
There were times he said things that were so atrocious, I thought I could NOT have heard him correctly. But I now realize, I heard. Oh I heard perfectly well. And I saw 20/20 as well.
I dunno Katy – I think it was part of the mind f–k game he was playing..They are all lumped lowlife..yes we survived..And just think of those who don’t.
((Katy))
Don’t worry for me, things are getting better – mostly – I’m learning more each day, as are you.
I’ve seen you grow so much since you got here. It’s beautiful. We are moving from the pupae stage into the butterfly stage.
And butterflies are free to fly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1Ap66som1o
lyrics attached
perfect song choice Sky..
Hi guys,
Well, I’m back from my nap! Just wanted to add a few things to this discussion. First of all, Darwinsmom’s case brings to mind several interesting points:
Number one, Sky is entirely right about the “tell.” With mine, this was a very defining behavior pattern. As I later learned from her husband, she literally crammed their house full of stuff that was clearly “out of place” there, and all but had my signature on it. For example: an exotic jewelry box I got her in India (I know, I’m such a sap!), numerous out of the way books that she never would have read on her own (A Polish author who writes about sixteenth century cossacks, Nietzsche, Camus, Kierkegaard, etc. – haha, the husband actually told me he was taken aback by this sudden interest in “existentialism,” but alas, he wrote it off!), several T-shirts with my high school logo (which she actually had the nerve to wear on a regular basis), and many other things besides. It’s quite amazing, really, the arrogance of it. The only thing I can think of is that playing it so “loosely” somehow stimulates their inner deadness. Hens’s and Darwinsmom’s examples are quite similar, I think, and just reinforce the pattern.
Also, Darwinsmom, it IS amazing that they can make such grandiose plans of living together “forever after,” etc., even while they are sleeping with multiple other people, and have no intention whatsoever of following through. (Indeed, from what I’ve seen they will often break up with the person just days after promising eternal love and fidelity!) But for me, that’s how you know it’s a sociopath you’re dealing with: there’s simply no way an actual human being could trifle with another person’s feelings in that manner or to that extent.
By the way, I suppose I was lovebombed too. But it was less of a red flag, as we were resuming an old relationship. So it didn’t feel so unnatural.
In any case, with mine, it wasn’t her “immorality” which wounded me so much, but rather her utter “amorality.” In that sense, it was only half the pain when I discovered she was still married – because, alas, you can always kind of/sort of justify that as the “Anna Karenina” type of situation (i.e., still human, just with the wrong person, etc. – Not that I’m excusing it!) However, to carry on an affair with one person, while sleeping with two others, all while vowing eternal love and making false promises for the future, etc. etc.; well, for me, that’s where it has to be said that this thing you’re looking at is no longer a human being. No, it is something wholly other.
So Darwinsmom, when your ex lovebombed you at exactly the same time that he was planning to discard you, it was like mine spending all day looking at new houses – when she was already in the process of signing for a new house with her husband. In my view, that’s the point where you’ve gone beyond the “bad but still-human” disorders like “NPD”, “BPD,” or whatever – and can be pretty well-assured you’re dealing with a full blown P or S.
But this “tell” thing is interesting, and probably something we should give further thought to….
EB,
And thanks for the good wishes regarding my girlfriend. Yes, I’ve known her for a long time and she’s first rate. A bit “EBish,” come to think of it – feisty, smart and big-hearted! Unfortunately, I don’t suppose she’ll ever have a reason to visit this site, so you’ll probably never get a chance to meet her!