Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Rebecca Potter works as a licensed mental health counselor in West Palm Beach, Florida. She can be reached at: tlc211@gmail.com.
Surviving betrayal and trauma
By Rebecca Potter
Rebecca Potter profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
I recently attended a workshop by Dr. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., author of The Betrayal Bond. I was shocked by the denial of the psychological community regarding the trauma experienced by survivors of emotional and sexual trauma. I took my worn and used copy of The Betrayal Bond to Dr. Carnes for his signature. He signed my copy and asked, “Why used?”
Dr. Carnes’ work has helped me surface from the web of pain and confusion developed while trying to safely escape an emotionally, verbally, financially abusive husband. When I left, I was further damaged by my exposure to the legal system and Family Court. There was no place that I could go to receive treatment, attorneys took advantage of me, insurance companies lied and hid fraud that they had committed with my former mate. Need Dr. Carnes ask why my copy was used and battered, somewhat like me?
Just get over it and move on
This was the attitude I faced when I tried to find professional legal help. The pain in my body was so real, yet invisible to anyone else. I couldn’t explain the terror that I felt when I had to sit in the same room with my former husband: The intense emotion I felt when he told the courtroom lies and the court believed those lies without evidence. The permission that the Court gave to him, which allowed him to further abuse me and how I was ignored and told, “Just get over it and move on.”
The impact of sexual addiction induced trauma
The field of treatment and intervention for disorders related to compulsive sexual behavior and sexual addiction is a new emerging field. Research has focused on the sexual addict, creating models for diagnosis and treatment, while the partners of sex addicts have been neglected and ignored.
Current clinical treatment models prefer to address the partner of a sex addict as a codependent or co-addict, which basically implies that the partner has their own disease termed: co-addiction or codependency. Codependency is in a category of a process addiction—an addiction to certain mood-altering behaviors, such as a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively care-taking ways that negatively impact one’s relationships and quality of life. Other process addictions include: gambling, food, shopping, spending and hoarding.
The clinical needs of partners of sexual addicts continue to be ignored, minimized, obscured and gravely misunderstood. Partners actually often experience clinically significant sex addiction induced trauma. These traumatic symptoms are a result from the direct impact of sex addiction:
- chronic patterns of sexual acting out
- relational perpetration
- emotional abuse
- deception
- betrayal
- psychological manipulation
Traditional therapists continue to ignore the symptoms of trauma. These partners often present with symptoms that match rape trauma syndrome and post traumatic stress disorder. Sex addiction-induced trauma is a highly specific type of trauma that involves symptoms of fear and panic of potential disease and contamination, fear of child safety and potential of child molestation, social isolation, embarrassment, shame, guilt and intense relational rupture and attachment injuries.
Neglecting the treatment of trauma and focusing instead on co-addiction and codependency are inadequate and clinically contra-indicated, wrought with moral and ethical challenges. Partners and spouses of sex addicts are a profoundly and clinically traumatized population requiring informed care and ethical treatment.
Recovery
I know, because I experienced similar trauma. Recovery has been a long road. I still experience flashbacks and have adrenal fatigue when my symptoms are triggered. I have started women’s and men’s relationship recovery groups. We meet each week to support each other with the withdrawal of leaving a chaotic relationship and help each other process the deep brain injuries from the exploitation and trauma.
I also suggest that survivors participate in online support groups if they are not able to find a trauma therapist in their area. One online group : www.adultchildrenofalcholics.org. There are phone meetings daily. The websites will list the phone meetings. The pain that you are experiencing is real and must be processed with those who understand trauma.
I look at my marriage as an educational process that I needed to experience to assist others in healing. Yes, my ex will marry others and commit the same abuse. There will be many women and children harmed by his manipulation.
Hey Panther (and other Love Fraud chicks)! – how’s it going? Nice to see you…..
Coping,
Well, to answer your earlier question, I think I did mention the spath once to my girlfriend in an abrupt, dismissive sort of way. Not as a “sociopath,” though. I simply said, “Yeah, I dated my high school sweetheart for a year or so after college, but it didn’t work.” (How’s that for the understatement of the century”!) Again, I decided that I’m simply NOT giving her that power over a new relationship. If she asks, I’ll answer any questions truthfully. But being honest doesn’t mean we have to tell people EVERYTHING. In any event, imagine what a weird and black cloud that would put over things if she knew about her; no, there’s no way I’m giving that bitch such power!
Ironically, I met this other woman a couple of years ago – precisely when I could have gone the rest of my life single and perfectly happy. In fact, I still feel like I don’t need another person to find happiness. But it just sort of worked that way. Anyhow, I’ve certainly lived for YEARS in a kind of solitude that would drive most people out of their minds! So I’ve definitely lived both types of lives; and no one can tell me that I haven’t paid my dues!
Sounds like you ARE still very raw, Coping. For me, it was years 3 to 6 that really washed it out of my system. That is, the first three years took out the major grief, and the years that followed got rid of everything else.
Hopefully it won’t be so long in your case!
Dear Constantine,
It does take TIME, as well as WORK to “work through” the grief, emotions, and the trauma, and too many times I have seen people feel like after a few months that they have to “get back on the horse that threw them again” and get back into dating to distract them from the pain of the healing….and the pain of the healing is PAIN for sure!!!!
When I see people jumping back into a new relationship too quickly it usually ends badly! Just as when I didn’t finish my grieving for my late husband I made myself available for the psychopathic BF to latch on to. I felt “Oh, wow! I’m SAVED from a life of “lonely aloneness” and it turned out, I was sure wrong about that! We MUST FIND OUR OWN HAPPINESS because no one else can provide us happiness, they can only SHARE IT if we have our own happiness and they have theirs.
In the past people have come here on LF and asked “how long?” That answer I think depends on HOW DEEPLY WE ARE HURT, what RESOURCES we have, and how much WORK we are willing to put into the recovery.
Hi Constantine! 🙂
Coping – congratulations, you are burning through yet another trial by fire: the shock and anger of (supposed) betrayal.
most of us go through this coping (an yah, STOP looking) an we come to sanity when we come to the realization that everything they say an do is bullshit. there is no love or lover or father to be lost. zippo nada zilch.
he is vacant, vacuous trouble. nothing more.
I ditto what one/joy said.
Also, it’s really late here. Good night everyone!!!
Look I have and am continuing to do the work. Frankly, I’m not seeing any clear results… It has been 10 months! I have done the cleanup, Bankrupcy, done the court shit, eliminated the toxic people that I can see. I read and read and read…while raising jr. If I’m not reading about spaths, I’m reading about child development, or anylizing my own dysfunctional shit. There are to many doors open… And I can’t do this for much longer. I need to focus on getting a job and securing a future for jr and I. Maybe I need a time out… There is too much going on at one time…
Yes, I want answers.. I want to know how long… Because at this rate I’m going nowhere. For the past week all I have felt is a true deep sadness, a sadness so deep it scares me. In addition I am beginning to feel anger. Real anger. I just want to say fuck it! I don’t know the best way to handle this. I know others have had it worse… But how is this going to end…the sadness and anger is taking over the confusion.. And anxiety! I want to move forward..this is not the life I want to live.. (and no that’s not meant to be suicidal) .
Dear Coping,
Oxy is right, this stuff takes a LONG time to get over. My own experience is that you can’t “think” your way out of the kind of grief you are currently experiencing. But what you can do is to keep breathing, eating, and sleeping, going to work, breathing, eating, sleeping, going to work, etc etc. – until at some magic point it DOES stop hurting. And needless to say, I can’t say when that will happen, only that it WILL happen at some point.
Hope you have a better day tomorrow, dear Coping.
Oxy,
Another thing I’ve noticed is that God (or the “universe” or whatever) always seems to give us what we want only at the point that we stop wanting it!
I totally agree with you about “jumping back in” right away to a new relationship “post spath.” I would say a person should wait at least a couple of years. Then again, you can’t make an iron rule with these things, because if the “right” person comes along earlier, you might not get another chance! But that said, I think the longer the better….
Watch the rebound stuff. That is what led me to the x-spath!