Many who have been hurt by sociopaths develop a general distrust of others. This distrust is understandable given how difficult it often is to tell if another person is a sociopath. However, going through life with distrust is not a pleasant way to live. Victims naturally then want to know in detail what sociopaths are about so they can identify the untrustables, and go back to trusting everyone else.
One of the purposes of this website is to describe sociopaths and teach people to identify them. Sociopaths are pathological liars who like to talk as experts on many topics. They manipulate others and generally have a high opinion of themselves. They also lack remorse for their actions and don’t seem to care about the pain they cause others. In fact they seem to enjoy inflicting all types pain (harm) on others.
The enjoyment of hurting another person is called sadism. Sadism usually refers to enjoying another’s physical pain. However, sociopaths enjoy inflicting all manner of pain on others including financial, emotional, psychological and social.
To sum it up sociopaths are in the business of reducing people to nothing and then taking glory in their accomplishment.
I have just described the most important “traits” of sociopaths. Many of you are saying, “Yes right on, that described mine exactly.” But are you satisfied?
You probably do not feel satisfied because you are left with wondering why. Why would someone do that? If you discover the answer to the “why question” you can go back to trusting everyone else again because you would understand the sick motives of sociopaths.
Normal people don’t enjoy watching other people suffer do they?
Here is where some get stuck, because many people secretly and not so secretly hope they live long enough to see the sociopath finally suffer. Well, if you can enjoy another’s suffering what makes you different from the sociopath?
If we examine the reasons why we would take pleasure in a sociopath’s suffering, we see there are two basic reasons. One is revenge and the other is our ability to consider the sociopath as “inhuman.” If a sociopath is not really human, then it is OK to enjoy that private moment of our imagined revenge.
There are therefore two basic routes to sadism. The first is through the power motive. Revenge is about reasserting power over someone who has robbed us of power. The power motive is also called the social dominance drive.
I am grateful to Caesar Milan the dog whisperer, for educating the public about dominance. We all know that a dominant dog has no problem inflicting pain on underlings to assert his dominance.
The second route to sadism is called “compartmentalization” by psychologists. A person who compartmentalizes has a motive (drive) to inflict pain on someone and so rationalizes it by saying that the other person is inhuman or “deserves it.”
Interestingly, both routes to sadism operate in sociopaths. Jack Levin and others have written a great deal about compartmentalization in sociopaths. Sociopaths are also ruled by the power motive and so enjoy hurting because it is confirmation they are achieving power.
That gets me to warped empathy. Many, including Jack Levin, have pointed to the faulty logic behind the idea that sociopaths lack empathy. If sociopaths lack empathy then how can they enjoy another’s suffering? If they can’t identify other’s emotions how can they know they are inflicting pain and so get enjoyment? Is there any question that the sociopath that hurt you knew you were suffering?
Most of us have seen clearly the sadism of sociopaths, so we know they must have some kind of warped empathy. Empathy should lead to sympathy with another’s suffering not pleasure in another’s suffering.
In 1982, while reporting the results of a very well done study in which he found that violent sociopaths of normal to high intelligence actually have increased empathy, Heilburn* made the following statement:
“One way to interpret these results would be in terms of a sadistic, effective-processing psychopathic model of violence in which inflicting pain or distress upon another is arousing and reinforcing (pleasurable). Such a model would assume that acts inflicting pain are more intentional than impulsive and that empathic skills promote arousal and sadistic reinforcement (pleasure) by enhancing the psychopath’s awareness of the pain and distress being experienced by the victim.”
Now in 2008 researchers have obtained results that confirm Heilburn’s theory.
Researcher Jean Decety from the University of Chicago found that young sociopath’s brains light up with pleasure when they experience another’s suffering. In this study, the pleasure was especially present when the suffering was being inflicted by another person. How did the researchers demonstrate this? They showed violent movie clips to sociopaths and non-sociopaths then used fMRI to scan their brains.
Most importantly, the study showed no abnormality of the brain pathways involved in empathy. Sociopath’s empathy centers appeared to function just fine.
So how can I help you feel comfortable trusting the 90% of the rest of humanity who are not significantly sociopathic when I have already said that that most people can be sadistic under certain circumstances?
The answer is found again with motives, specifically the power motive. Learn to recognize the signs of excessive power orientation. It is OK to want a certain amount of power, but the pursuit of interpersonal power should not occupy a person’s every waking moment.
Well balanced people enjoy love and affection more than they enjoy power and control. I encourage you to learn to tune into love motives in others. I have found that consciously choosing to notice loving behavior in others has also helped me better recognize the power motive.
Avoid people who dehumanize others because whether or not one who dehumanizes is a sociopath, this compartmentalization is an important contributor to man’s inhumanity to man.
Lastly, I encourage you to stop supporting violent entertainment with your consumer dollar. Such “entertainment” fosters the development of sociopathy in at-risk youth. It also brings out the worst in everyone else.
*Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 1982, Vol. 50, No. 4, 546-557
Dear Presseject,
Nah, skillet BOINKS don’t do a thing for this, they don’t knock you “out” they just remind you that you’ve been “bad”–LOL–in this case, you did nothing wrong, they were just using you like a “slave” without any consideration for YOU. Lots of times companies will let older employes that have been loyal for years and years to the company go so they can hire a lower paid person to do the same job. It’s all “about business” and no consideration to the people that make up the “business.” It is a shame, but it is “life.” I ran my cow herd the same way, butcher and old and loyal cow who wasn’t quite up to par any more to replace her with something younger and with more vitality! I guess that makes me a “cow abuser.” But I told them it “wasn’t personal, it’s just business.” LOL
I think you will find though presseject, that the more of this kind of trial we endure and survive and prosper through, the easier it gets to look at it in a logical (not emotional) way and just “get on with our lives.” Sure it gives us at least a momentary feeling of “insecurity” but last year when I had to up and uproot myself from my farm (my “security”) and go out into the unknown I realized that my “security” isn’t tied to a piece of land, or to any one person, but within MYSELF, it is my confidence in my God and in myself through Him. (Head shaking here) YOU have your security inside YOU as well, hang on to that and then NO ONE, NO SITUATION, NOTHING, CAN TAKE IT AWAY AGAIN.
After all there is NOTHING CONSTANT IN THIS LIFE EXCEPT CHANGE. We have to realize that—even the person who loves you the most can die, even the best job can be lost, the biggest bank roll can be lost, but if we have our security inside ourselves, in our hearts, then we are always going to be okay. Depending on our bank books, or our homes, or whatever we depend on for our “security”—it can be lost unless it is based on a higher and inner spirituality and confidence. That’s the “take home” lesson here. So over all, I think the “P-experiences” I have had have been the tuition I paid to learn that lesson. It is cheap at twice the price. The lesson is that prescious.
Presseject – You said losing your job did not hurt as much as losing the relationship with the P. I don’t think anything knocks us for a loop as much as that. But looking for a job – meeting new people and going new places is going to help with that recovery from the P. You will concentrate on finding a job and less on (that) experience -and who knows what doors are going to be opened for you now!!!!Look at this as part of that Life Lesson – change is good – and look your best when seeking a new position – no telling who you might meet!!!!
My EX never insulted me, always complimented me. Always had conversations with me that would build up my self esteem. He’d hold me in his arms as I collapsed over the abuse of the day. He helped with my lawsuit since I was only able to explain what I had to endure with every example of harassment that came my way from my bosses. My bosses were systimatically destroying me each and every day for 6 years. What I endured from their wrath was horrific. The union, personnel, affirmative action all helped to destroy my career.
During this time, my EX was loving, supportive, protective, would make me get out to walk our dog to ensure I got fresh air, sunshine, exercise. He would warm the hot tub so that I could relax and soak the stress I received in work away. He’d make dinner, set the table, have flowers arranged in a vase on the table, do the dishes, laundry, cleaned the house, any of the normal routines around the house he did without my ever asking. Never once did he instigate an argument with me. If I argued with him, he would tell me that we would talk about it when I calmed down. He always welcomed my family and friends over, never kept them away from me. He attended church with me, read scriptures with me, took me to family events and stayed by my side.
And then I was left with second shoe fell on my head months after he kissed me goodbye, told me he’d be home by September… that he was finishing up business down in Texas … to my finding out months later that everything he said to me was a lie.
Monster. Yes. Typical of what everyone else is writing. NO!
He just invented a better mouse trap.
Squeak, squeak.
presseject: Interesting that you wrote how the ARTS is manipulated out of GREED of those in the business. Funny, most of the greats were starving artists.
Pink Floyd thought the same way, hence the song they wrote “Welcome to the Machine” … the second song on Pink Floyd’s 1975 album Wish You Were Here. It is 7 minutes and 31 seconds long.
Welcome my son, welcome to the machine.
Where have you been? its alright we know where you’ve been.
You’ve been in the pipeline, filling in time, provided with toys and scouting for boys.
You bought a guitar to punish your ma, and you didn’t like school, and you know you’re nobody’s fool,
So welcome to the machine.
Welcome my son, welcome to the machine.
What did you dream? its alright we told you what to dream.
You dreamed of a big star, he played a mean guitar,
He always ate in the steak bar. he loved to drive in his jaguar.
So welcome to the machine.
Peace presseject, for they too, felt the same as you.
My husband did not show up last week to get our daughter for his weekly visit nor did he call. I said I wasn’t going to ask him about it today but I did. He told me that he told me a week ago that he would be out of town for a conference. He said that I have a bad memory. I called my mom and a few other people telling them that I was worried that he maybe was in jail or an accident because I hadn’t heard from him. He tries to make me think I am crazy. If we were still together I have no doubt that I would be in a psych ward right now. He did that while we were married. He would tell me that the sky was bright green and I would somehow believe him.
I am glad to get him out of my life!
So I took a long walk today, just me and some quiet nature. The sun felt warm but the breeze cool and refreshing. I saw mostly green things growing. Then a few bright sprays of light purple berries. Ah something about the color! These are the seeds and look how attractive they are! The rest is green, growing and going about its business. But to stand out, to get “picked” you gotta be colorful. Something about this realization helped me today to think about going out and getting “picked” for a new job… I need to be colorful! It is not going to happen if I fade into the background with all the other dark green leaves.
Thanks to Wini, Oxdrover, and Henry, I feel a little more colorful at the moment. This is helpful. especially today as I was fighting so hard the rejection feelings from losing my job and those got confused with the not-so-long-ago S abuse I suffered. I fell into the spiral: I’m no good, all my relationships have been toxic and failures, even the jobs I find eventually go sour. It went further, I slipped, I wanted my S back again. It was so much fun back then, like kids and filled with fun energy and laughter. Sudden realization: I now have no job and no income and very short on finances (and no one close by to hug or to hold). Filled out unemployment this morning. Hold your chin up, it won’t be so bad. The colors, the warmth of the sun… did you forget? Nature takes care of itself. Just breathe. You are the colors, always.
PressEject
Dear Nic,
That is called “gaslighting” and believe me I know what you mean! It never occured tome that my TOXIC mother would actually LIE TO ME. I never even considered the possibility that she would deliberately lie…..until I caught her bare bald faced lie and I knew—it had been going on forever! My entire life! LOL What a revelation.
I told her “You said you wouldn’t let the psychopath back into your home.”
She said, “NO, I said I had NO PLANS TO, so I didn’t promise”
and I thought…”did she forget? did she really say that and I forgot? Is she senile? Am I senile?”
I asked “Did you send my P-son money after you promised me and son C that you wouldn’t.”
She answered, enraged, “NO@”
I said, “Well, we can find out by calling the prison, and if you are lying, my son C will never see you again.”
Her eyes widened and she was furious. I wasn’t sure if she was mad because I called her a liar or because she was nailed if she was lying.
Son C called her and asked her if she had sent money to P-son and she broke down and pitifully cried, and admitted she had, but it was my fault because I had made her see how pitiful he was in there without any money and she couldn’t stand to know the P was “suffering” (the just deserts for the murder he committed) in prison.
Presseject, I am so glad that you got out and took the walk and enjoyed the nice day. You’ve had some hard licks one after another, and it seems to come that way sometimes, and we wait for “the other shoe to fall” but we need to BOINK ourselves once in a while and get back on the “horse that threw us” and hang on with our finger nails and we can do it.
I’m glad you have a strong faith, because that is amazingly strengthening when we have a faith. God bless.
yeah…I decided that I don’t believe one darn thing he says. I have a 50 50 chance of anything he says actually happening. I don’t hold my breath either way. If I talk to him, I repeat what he says back. So Nik, for example, if he would have said that he told me he had a conference. I would have said “oh yes, that’s right you did tell me.” Knowing darn well he didn’t. It is the equavilent of turning the mirror around on the narcissist, and giving them a taste of their own medicine.
It is a technique that I learned in The Malignant Narcissist for dealing with them when you have to.
Its a biblical saying I think… “this too shall pass”.. I always try to remember those 4 words when it seems tough to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Presseject: maybe like they said, your job loss is actually turning over a new leaf for you. You will develop a new path, friends, routines, all to pull you from the normal day to day reminders when you were with your S. Sometimes freshening up our lives with new things are just the breath of fresh air we need just like going for a walk and enjoying nature. I wish you the best and when you send out the right energy to the universe that “I will find the perfect job for me”… you will likely do just that!
Gaslighting – my X put two condom’s in the glove box of my pickup – and asked me why they were in there? I thought over and over again I must have done it – but I knew I didnt – but if he didnt then I must have – who else would? so I must have? he was enjoying fucking with my mind – he would ask why is there a (private call) on the caller ID? He said they called and just hung up on him – hmm it was always when I was at work and he was home – but I was convinced it must be somebody calling me? Well after he left – the calls stopped – of course – after the fact I can see where he was keeping me off balance and confused – is part of the plan – and thats just two examples of gas lighting – there were hundreds…. Presseject – If I could give you a hug I would – I still feel like I need a HUG -I always held him at nite – he never held me – I was the security blanket for him – I am always helping this person and that person – I am the fixer – the older guy – hell what I would give if some one would just hug and hold me and made me feel secure – I don’t think I have ever had that….And Jeff – your comment about “holding your hand and helping you out of the HELL you created” that really has stuck with me today – but we didnt create this hell – they did – and we are just suffering for being good people to the wrong people.