Many who have been hurt by sociopaths develop a general distrust of others. This distrust is understandable given how difficult it often is to tell if another person is a sociopath. However, going through life with distrust is not a pleasant way to live. Victims naturally then want to know in detail what sociopaths are about so they can identify the untrustables, and go back to trusting everyone else.
One of the purposes of this website is to describe sociopaths and teach people to identify them. Sociopaths are pathological liars who like to talk as experts on many topics. They manipulate others and generally have a high opinion of themselves. They also lack remorse for their actions and don’t seem to care about the pain they cause others. In fact they seem to enjoy inflicting all types pain (harm) on others.
The enjoyment of hurting another person is called sadism. Sadism usually refers to enjoying another’s physical pain. However, sociopaths enjoy inflicting all manner of pain on others including financial, emotional, psychological and social.
To sum it up sociopaths are in the business of reducing people to nothing and then taking glory in their accomplishment.
I have just described the most important “traits” of sociopaths. Many of you are saying, “Yes right on, that described mine exactly.” But are you satisfied?
You probably do not feel satisfied because you are left with wondering why. Why would someone do that? If you discover the answer to the “why question” you can go back to trusting everyone else again because you would understand the sick motives of sociopaths.
Normal people don’t enjoy watching other people suffer do they?
Here is where some get stuck, because many people secretly and not so secretly hope they live long enough to see the sociopath finally suffer. Well, if you can enjoy another’s suffering what makes you different from the sociopath?
If we examine the reasons why we would take pleasure in a sociopath’s suffering, we see there are two basic reasons. One is revenge and the other is our ability to consider the sociopath as “inhuman.” If a sociopath is not really human, then it is OK to enjoy that private moment of our imagined revenge.
There are therefore two basic routes to sadism. The first is through the power motive. Revenge is about reasserting power over someone who has robbed us of power. The power motive is also called the social dominance drive.
I am grateful to Caesar Milan the dog whisperer, for educating the public about dominance. We all know that a dominant dog has no problem inflicting pain on underlings to assert his dominance.
The second route to sadism is called “compartmentalization” by psychologists. A person who compartmentalizes has a motive (drive) to inflict pain on someone and so rationalizes it by saying that the other person is inhuman or “deserves it.”
Interestingly, both routes to sadism operate in sociopaths. Jack Levin and others have written a great deal about compartmentalization in sociopaths. Sociopaths are also ruled by the power motive and so enjoy hurting because it is confirmation they are achieving power.
That gets me to warped empathy. Many, including Jack Levin, have pointed to the faulty logic behind the idea that sociopaths lack empathy. If sociopaths lack empathy then how can they enjoy another’s suffering? If they can’t identify other’s emotions how can they know they are inflicting pain and so get enjoyment? Is there any question that the sociopath that hurt you knew you were suffering?
Most of us have seen clearly the sadism of sociopaths, so we know they must have some kind of warped empathy. Empathy should lead to sympathy with another’s suffering not pleasure in another’s suffering.
In 1982, while reporting the results of a very well done study in which he found that violent sociopaths of normal to high intelligence actually have increased empathy, Heilburn* made the following statement:
“One way to interpret these results would be in terms of a sadistic, effective-processing psychopathic model of violence in which inflicting pain or distress upon another is arousing and reinforcing (pleasurable). Such a model would assume that acts inflicting pain are more intentional than impulsive and that empathic skills promote arousal and sadistic reinforcement (pleasure) by enhancing the psychopath’s awareness of the pain and distress being experienced by the victim.”
Now in 2008 researchers have obtained results that confirm Heilburn’s theory.
Researcher Jean Decety from the University of Chicago found that young sociopath’s brains light up with pleasure when they experience another’s suffering. In this study, the pleasure was especially present when the suffering was being inflicted by another person. How did the researchers demonstrate this? They showed violent movie clips to sociopaths and non-sociopaths then used fMRI to scan their brains.
Most importantly, the study showed no abnormality of the brain pathways involved in empathy. Sociopath’s empathy centers appeared to function just fine.
So how can I help you feel comfortable trusting the 90% of the rest of humanity who are not significantly sociopathic when I have already said that that most people can be sadistic under certain circumstances?
The answer is found again with motives, specifically the power motive. Learn to recognize the signs of excessive power orientation. It is OK to want a certain amount of power, but the pursuit of interpersonal power should not occupy a person’s every waking moment.
Well balanced people enjoy love and affection more than they enjoy power and control. I encourage you to learn to tune into love motives in others. I have found that consciously choosing to notice loving behavior in others has also helped me better recognize the power motive.
Avoid people who dehumanize others because whether or not one who dehumanizes is a sociopath, this compartmentalization is an important contributor to man’s inhumanity to man.
Lastly, I encourage you to stop supporting violent entertainment with your consumer dollar. Such “entertainment” fosters the development of sociopathy in at-risk youth. It also brings out the worst in everyone else.
*Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 1982, Vol. 50, No. 4, 546-557
A word about sadism:
Tragically, some sadistic impulses may be a painful secret that quite a few otherwise normal people carry around with them.
Fortunately, most of the people burdened with these awful impulses care about how other people feel. They would never act on these awful impulses, and they’d love to be free of the disturbing thoughts.
These people aren’t Sociopaths, Narcissists or Psychopaths. They aren’t going to hurt anyone, but they may suffer huge humiliation when their taste in pornography is exposed.
In my 8 years of active military service, I occasionally came across some extremely disturbing material while inspecting barracks and performing wall locker searches. The first few times, the discoveries really rocked my world. After a while I came to terms with it. Possession of these materials never once coincided with actual assaults on women.
Mine was a sadist, hands down. I didn’t know it until the mask slipped. I was 6 months pregnant. He told me he was in love with another women. The look in his eye was pure sparkle as I sat in my bedroom while he packed, crying my eyes out. Then the statement “no one has ever left you for another women, have they?” right before he left, was pure pleasure. I was 6 months pregnant, and yes I had been dumped before, just not like this. There was 2 weeks between when he told me about the women and between when he left. I cried every day for those two weeks. He was so turned on, we had sex every night those two weeks. This was a big deviation from the once a month sex that we normally engaged in. He was so turned on by my crying. So turned on by having two women at the same time. He told me she was crying too, which was even better. One of the hardest part about the whole experience was the pleasure he took in it. Here was a man who told me he loves me every day. And as soon as I was vulnerable by being 6 months pregnant, he took the opportunity to pulverize my sense of safety and he showed no mercy or “empathy”.
When I explain to people that I was abandoned at 6 months pregnant, they think it is just horrible. But I can’t ever explain to them the way it was done, because normal people just can’t nderstand this motivation. With such pleasure. With such excitement. From the person I trusted most at the time. I have a special bond with this baby, because of it. I am more careful with him, because of it. He is special and fragile.
Wini,
I don’t think we have to buy that island. I think these things just naturally tend to take care of themselves.
I had a very interesting experience about a month ago.
My husband holds regular “testosterone festivals” at our home. That’s what I call his LAN parties! He and his buds get together and play computer war games, twelve or more men against the artificial intelligence of the computer network. It’s great male bonding. As a rule I lay out a few crock-pots full of charred animal flesh, make space in the fridge for their beverages, duct tape the toilet seat in the upright position and run off to play with my friends!
At the last LAN party, one of the guys brought along a girlfriend who seemed to be at loose ends. To my total surprise, she seemed to expect the entire household to revolve around her. The guys largely ignored her, so she became pretty sulky. As always, I had a pretty full schedule that day. Nonetheless, each time I made a pit stop at the house I tried to act hospitable toward her.
I had about an hour to spare in the late afternoon, so I dutifully entertained her in the living room with cakes and tea. Wow, what a fascinating person. Over the course of our conversation, it became clear that she was a Sociopath between victims. She was newly divorced, and looking for a new meal ticket. After whining for a bit about the trials of getting by without a maid and trying to pay for manicures on her meager alimony check, she commented that she didn’t think her current boyfriend could keep her in the style to which she was accustomed. (No, she didn’t use those words, but the meaning of her remark was clear.)
Oddly, she was interested in religious faith. She had been thinking about religious faith, and wanted to know what I thought about the possibility of a higher power. In the course of our conversation I told her that I believed that God’s plan for His people included an afterlife free of the risk of exploitation. Her facial expressions were absolutely fascinating. Her confident smirk and thinly veiled boasts suggested she was absolutely confident she would always be able to find a victim.
She wasn’t worried that I might see her for what she was, although I think she was mildly surprised when I dropped her like a hot potato for the remainder of the day and evening. She had made some remarks intended to pander to my vanity, and I think it came as a surprise to her that her flattery hadn’t made her likable.
Ironically, there were a lot of single men at the party who were more than capable of keeping her “in the style to which accustomed”. Luckily, she was too shallow and badly educated to know that she was surrounded by physicists, engineers and technical consultants having a boyish good time. I doubt I’ll ever see her again, but I’m sure glad I took the time to listen to her point of view. She’s the only female sociopath I’ve ever interacted with.
The most POWER you can have over another is to inflict pain (for no reason), show no remorse, and then have them come back for more.
What is more POWER than that? I think it’s all about POWER.
Dear BloggerT7165, thank you for your reply. I think it is really a online psychotherapy “my” x-P has made me undertake the last couple of months. It is like some of my soul-ice is melting and the ice from deep down is popping to the surface one peace at a time, and last month I was confronted with my nanny when I was 1 year old and my mother’s jealousy about her and mother’s neglect the same time, this week it is why I chose my profession in perspective of being raised by a P-father and a N-mother.
I also think that all traits can be used in both ways. Being extremely aware of the possibility of “using” and “abusing” people and the danger of dominance by knowing about the future of my patients (at least they think so and are extremely afraid in the beginning) I am dealing with in daily life I am quite the opposite of an old fashion doctor who paternalistically “knows what is good for you” and I try NOT to dominate but be a partner, companion.
By the way my x-P had also sadistic traits. When I was very happy (and everybody can see this), he asked “Are we happy?”, and I always was anxious because I knew he would soon say or do something to make this my happiness wanish completely, so I tried not to seem TOO happy. Sad but true. But not as horridly sadistic as you bird experienced (I just read it). I am speechless. Sometimes I think my suffering is just a “luxury problem” compared to the absolute devastating unbearable horror you and other people suffered. I wish peace to you an little bird!
Good for you Elizabeth Conley: Calling a spade a spade, even though they don’t know they are a spade.
She’s the only female version you met. You’re lucky. I know too many of them. Where I work is a dumping ground for the likes of them. I really think the powers in charge new what they were doing when they built our building … to house the self centered in our area. Stupid, naive me … thinking they were just young and immature when I started working there … always giving them the benefit of the doubt that they would grow up and eventually, grow out of their selfish ways. NOT!
The lies that would come out of their mouths, each and every day. They lie just as easily as we tell the truth… Then there was the setups they would conjure up, and sit back to see their victims tortured by what they created. The careers that they sabotaged … it was unbelievable.
Anyway, I don’t miss any of them. My friends that still work there tell me they are worse than ever, after I left. They already chose new victims to blame their problems on. I’m hoping for the day that there are no new victims that come to work there … and they only have themselves to blame. Let the fur fly between themselves.
They never change, but I have to pray for them too.
I always replayed the first 10 minutes to Gone With the Wind … they all know Scarlette like the back of their hands and they all play her to a T … or better.
Peace.
Sarah999: And what is power? Why does one need power or control over another?
I’m a very secure person in my own right and never felt the need or desire for power or control.
Again, another opposite of what they are versus what we are.
Peace.
by the time the first weekend was over after he left I had read why women love psychopaths, the sociopath next door and Lovefraud. When he started calling me again about two weeks later, I was ready. But he continued calling and emailing me throughout the remainder of the pregnancy. And when that didn’t succeed, he got his family involved. I was armed with the knowledge to take away his power, but it didn’t stop him from continuing the abuse for the remainder of the pregnancy. Everytime he called or wrote, my whole pregnant body fell into dispair and anxiety. But, I didn’t let him back in. I didn’t answer the phone. I didn’t respond to his requests. I didn’t budge, because I knew what he was. It doesn’t mean he didn’t try Sarah999. He did try and still does, and if I wasn’t armed he would succeed. I took that f*&ckers power away. Thanks for your sympathy libelle. Peace to you all.
Go Bird!
You did neuter that sob. Too bad so few do….
Birdie is a lucky baby.
Bird: You have come so far. Good for you and that little sweet precious baby bird.
I love to hear confirmations of new found power within ourselves. Keep up the great work … you are the best mommy for your little baby bird.
Peace.