Many who have been hurt by sociopaths develop a general distrust of others. This distrust is understandable given how difficult it often is to tell if another person is a sociopath. However, going through life with distrust is not a pleasant way to live. Victims naturally then want to know in detail what sociopaths are about so they can identify the untrustables, and go back to trusting everyone else.
One of the purposes of this website is to describe sociopaths and teach people to identify them. Sociopaths are pathological liars who like to talk as experts on many topics. They manipulate others and generally have a high opinion of themselves. They also lack remorse for their actions and don’t seem to care about the pain they cause others. In fact they seem to enjoy inflicting all types pain (harm) on others.
The enjoyment of hurting another person is called sadism. Sadism usually refers to enjoying another’s physical pain. However, sociopaths enjoy inflicting all manner of pain on others including financial, emotional, psychological and social.
To sum it up sociopaths are in the business of reducing people to nothing and then taking glory in their accomplishment.
I have just described the most important “traits” of sociopaths. Many of you are saying, “Yes right on, that described mine exactly.” But are you satisfied?
You probably do not feel satisfied because you are left with wondering why. Why would someone do that? If you discover the answer to the “why question” you can go back to trusting everyone else again because you would understand the sick motives of sociopaths.
Normal people don’t enjoy watching other people suffer do they?
Here is where some get stuck, because many people secretly and not so secretly hope they live long enough to see the sociopath finally suffer. Well, if you can enjoy another’s suffering what makes you different from the sociopath?
If we examine the reasons why we would take pleasure in a sociopath’s suffering, we see there are two basic reasons. One is revenge and the other is our ability to consider the sociopath as “inhuman.” If a sociopath is not really human, then it is OK to enjoy that private moment of our imagined revenge.
There are therefore two basic routes to sadism. The first is through the power motive. Revenge is about reasserting power over someone who has robbed us of power. The power motive is also called the social dominance drive.
I am grateful to Caesar Milan the dog whisperer, for educating the public about dominance. We all know that a dominant dog has no problem inflicting pain on underlings to assert his dominance.
The second route to sadism is called “compartmentalization” by psychologists. A person who compartmentalizes has a motive (drive) to inflict pain on someone and so rationalizes it by saying that the other person is inhuman or “deserves it.”
Interestingly, both routes to sadism operate in sociopaths. Jack Levin and others have written a great deal about compartmentalization in sociopaths. Sociopaths are also ruled by the power motive and so enjoy hurting because it is confirmation they are achieving power.
That gets me to warped empathy. Many, including Jack Levin, have pointed to the faulty logic behind the idea that sociopaths lack empathy. If sociopaths lack empathy then how can they enjoy another’s suffering? If they can’t identify other’s emotions how can they know they are inflicting pain and so get enjoyment? Is there any question that the sociopath that hurt you knew you were suffering?
Most of us have seen clearly the sadism of sociopaths, so we know they must have some kind of warped empathy. Empathy should lead to sympathy with another’s suffering not pleasure in another’s suffering.
In 1982, while reporting the results of a very well done study in which he found that violent sociopaths of normal to high intelligence actually have increased empathy, Heilburn* made the following statement:
“One way to interpret these results would be in terms of a sadistic, effective-processing psychopathic model of violence in which inflicting pain or distress upon another is arousing and reinforcing (pleasurable). Such a model would assume that acts inflicting pain are more intentional than impulsive and that empathic skills promote arousal and sadistic reinforcement (pleasure) by enhancing the psychopath’s awareness of the pain and distress being experienced by the victim.”
Now in 2008 researchers have obtained results that confirm Heilburn’s theory.
Researcher Jean Decety from the University of Chicago found that young sociopath’s brains light up with pleasure when they experience another’s suffering. In this study, the pleasure was especially present when the suffering was being inflicted by another person. How did the researchers demonstrate this? They showed violent movie clips to sociopaths and non-sociopaths then used fMRI to scan their brains.
Most importantly, the study showed no abnormality of the brain pathways involved in empathy. Sociopath’s empathy centers appeared to function just fine.
So how can I help you feel comfortable trusting the 90% of the rest of humanity who are not significantly sociopathic when I have already said that that most people can be sadistic under certain circumstances?
The answer is found again with motives, specifically the power motive. Learn to recognize the signs of excessive power orientation. It is OK to want a certain amount of power, but the pursuit of interpersonal power should not occupy a person’s every waking moment.
Well balanced people enjoy love and affection more than they enjoy power and control. I encourage you to learn to tune into love motives in others. I have found that consciously choosing to notice loving behavior in others has also helped me better recognize the power motive.
Avoid people who dehumanize others because whether or not one who dehumanizes is a sociopath, this compartmentalization is an important contributor to man’s inhumanity to man.
Lastly, I encourage you to stop supporting violent entertainment with your consumer dollar. Such “entertainment” fosters the development of sociopathy in at-risk youth. It also brings out the worst in everyone else.
*Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 1982, Vol. 50, No. 4, 546-557
Wini,
Yeah, well they’re useless as teats on a boar hog when it comes to friendship and family. A few really nasty broads have gotten their meat-hooks into some of my husband’s buddies over the years. I hate to see it. These guys are like my brothers. When they’re not war gaming with hubby they’re doing civil war reenactments with me and my kids, teaching my kids cool stuff or otherwise acting like the Mr. Wonderfuls they truly are.
I think Sociopaths have their uses. There are jobs in politics, law enforcement and the legal system that are toxic to normals and perfect for Ss. Beyond that, who needs ’em?
Sara999 said: “The most POWER you can have over another is to inflict pain (for no reason), show no remorse, and then have them come back for more.
What is more POWER than that? I think it’s all about POWER.”
I think so too. It was revolving door cycle with my ex of discard and luring back. So, my ex certainly accomplished this and relished every minute of it. Told me one time near the end that the only reason I was seeing him was because I was afraid of him. Yes, he had that satisfied gleam in his eyes. After I tried no contact, he went on his terrorizing spree, then about 3 months later he told me “The way I’ve terrorized you, you coulda shot my ass and got away with it,” then LAUGHED. It seemed to be all fun and games to him.
Elizabeth Conely: I hate to say this, but of course I will … they are good for being the first troops sent out in the face of danger… put them all in the front lines to block the attacks on the real men and women fighting a war.
Peace.
Chuckle, I understand how you feel Wini, but that’s a real sensitive subject with us around here.
Most of us are vets of wars declared and otherwise, and most have been called baby-killer or worse. Ironically, the gentlest souls I know have seen the hardest action.
There are sociopaths in the armed services, and they are big, big trouble. If we only used them as cannon fodder, that would be lovely. Unfortunately, they usually use the rest of us in ways to perverse to catalog.
Elizabeth C: I know. But, I for one, would like to see their so called bad asses in action. Put your money where your mouth is … sort to speak.
I know, my husband did two tours in Nam and he lied about his age to enlist … he was a German citizen before enlisting … he swore an oath to become a US citizen so he could enlist.
I’m just saying … give them something to really complain about …being in the front lines instead of doing this nonsense and damage to us in the states while we have real men and women fighting this war for our freedom… and the anti-socials too.
It’s even more absurd to think about the likes of them … doing and getting away with their crap when serious issues are happening all around us in the world … without the likes of them dumping more into our laps. For what?
They should all be booted out of the country and drafted and sent over there … fight for your country, or don’t come back. EVER. Stay up in those them darn hills …
I know personally for me … when my bosses went after me … I thought about my husband and his buddies who fought in Nam for this country. No way was I go to buckle under for the likes of them. They drew first blood … and I fought that fight for all wives and families of husbands and loved ones who fought in the armed services for our countries freedom. My bosses went after me within months of my husband’s death. Knowing I had lost him, my father and my mom was ill and dying. So I figured, if my husband and all his buddies in arms can fight a war in another country, I could do my part and fight a war state side.
Peace.
Oh, my dad, my uncles and all my cousins fought in the armed services too.
Peace.
I was just reading bird’s comment about her experience and it seems that they do take advantage when you are the most vulnerable, when they feel that you have the least power…
When I was pregnant, maybe about 7 months, my ex got into a rage after I wanted to be intimate (he would withhold sex if I ever initiated and would often rage afterwards). He said horrible things to me…He later calmed down and came home from work and sat down to have a ‘talk’ with me. He said that he would have more desire if he saw more “work” and “production” out of me! I had a huge garden that I had planted and we were going to sell a lot of the produce at the farmer’s market and he wasn’t pleased with my “production”. I also had a very difficult pregnancy.
I told him that he was sadistic and that he was a bully and he laughed at me, with this sick smile, saying “I’d like to see how you’d deal with a real bully!” And then he turned around and left. The sick part is is that I think I actually did ‘work’ harder and I almost had my baby prematurely because of it…
maniatissa: My bosses went after me right after my husband passed away. Same with a co-worker, years priro. She flew out for her sister’s unexpected death, the wake and funeral were in another state. She returned after the funeral and our boss was right in her face the day she returned knowing that she would pour salt into the wounds.
When they found out my mom was dying, they tried to use my mother’s illness and of course, use her death to go after me, then they used her death as the reason I acted out with them. I remember them pulling me into personnel the day I returned from my family leave of death in the immediate family. They said to me “quote, so is this why you are acting so strange, because your mother is DEAD”. I was so stunned … but, both my parents voices calmed me as they spoke inside my mind “Wini, these people weren’t lucky enough to have parents like us”… “if they did, they wouldn’t be acting like they are”. My parents voices in my head calmed me as I just looked at them as they TALKED at me and tried to get me to become unglued. Because coming unglued in the work place is a reason they can dismiss you.
I notice that they always use the word DEAD instead of death, or passed on, passed over. All my future supervisors in that place for 6 years would always work the fact that my parents were DEAD. Unbelievable, how they have absolutely, positively no remorse or compassion …
Within months of my mom passing away, some of those bosses lost a parent too. I always extended my sympathy and concerns to them as well as asked them how they were doing.
Peace.
Wini:
It seems that it is all about power and abusing that power…
My parents have spoken to me like that too, sometimes in my dreams…
My ex came into my life when my mother was dying of cancer. He knew how much I was suffering (I was taking care of her and we were best friends- she was also quite young) and seemed to be very supportive. I don’t think I saw a lot of the red flags because I was so overwhelmed by my mother’s death. I think too whenever I was sad about her death he would take the opportunity to assert his role of power (this is once we were married). I told him it was like kicking a dog when they’re down…he was impervious to comments like that…
“Well balanced people enjoy love and affection more than they enjoy power and control. I encourage you to learn to tune into love motives in others. I have found that consciously choosing to notice loving behavior in others has also helped me better recognize the power motive.”
The problem with my S (we are now divorced) is that assessing him for loving behavior would be extremely misleading because he mimics that behavior almost perfectly.
In our 18 years together, although there might have been an occasional–actually, rare–flash of meanness, it was easy to construe that as inadvertent because for the most part he seemed sweet and tender and loving and kind. Now, of course, I realize that was all part of his manipulation, part of the deception.
He was the most affectionate husband around. Our friends and relatives all thought he cherished me. I sure did. The foot rubs, the neck massages, the romantic cards, the kisses. I thought he was my soul mate; I thought he was my very best friend. Although I now have no doubt he would kill me if he thought he could get away with it (I am a huge thorn in his side: he has to pay me spousal support plus I am a threat to expose him), part of me is still astonished that this man does not love me. I want to cry, weep, grieve, and the horrible thing is he’s the one I want to do this with!
He seemed like an all-around great guy. He works in a caring profession and patients and families of patients (not to mention many co-workers) think he’s an angel.
And now I see that this ability to deceive is what he loves most of all. It gives him such a sense of power. Even though he acts like he’s loving, it’s a sham that enables him to exercise power. Especially over women. He can manipulate them into sex. He’s such a predator. He’s no better than a rapist. I realized the other day he IS a rapist. Only difference is he can create WILLING victims.
He loves that he can juggle all these women, often work with many of these same women, know that they’ll keep his secrets, know that he can manipulate them and others to run to and fro, to care for him, to believe in him, to vouch for him, to even lie for him (thinking of course they are doing it for a noble cause).
And now I realize that not only does he do all this, but he enjoys the suffering he inevitably causes. In the past year and a half I have come a long way from thinking he was the most wonderful man on the planet to thinking, okay, he’s done some terrible things but he still has compassion–if he had just up and left like he had planned, surely he would have lost sleep thinking of me and my anguish–to thinking, at worst, he’s indifferent to the pain he causes, to finally realizing that the pain he causes is not merely incidental, he relishes it. He’s a sadist. A sadist! I can hardly believe it, but I know now it’s true.
And I know it for a certainty ever since, a month ago, he came back to the house to get the rest of his stuff. While there, he said–privately of course–to my daughter–his step-daughter–in response to her telling him the only reason she and her brother ever came around to him was because they thought he was good to me: “Had you guys fooled, didn’t I?”
He said this leering, crowing, gloating; he completely dropped his mask; he was proud of what he’d done. Not only that, he brought his new girlfriend with him that day. This barely a week after our divorce was final. I couldn’t figure out why he would do such a thing. I thought it was insensitive, I thought it was stupid (two previous similar situations having blown up in his face), I thought it was arrogance, I thought it was hubris. It was my 32-year-old son who said it was cruelty.
And he was right. That came as a shock to me, but he was right. And coming from him I knew it was right because my son–PhD in math–is the most objective person I know.
For so long my ex had me convinced he was such a loving man that it was so difficult for me to see the hideous truth: that he actually enjoys inflicting pain.