By | January 31, 2012 65 Comments

Shame And Silence

There has been a story in the UK news this week that touched my heart. It’s a story of a ruthless abuser who controlled, abused and manipulated their partner. Sounds familiar?  Two years of mental, emotional and financial cruelty, the physical injuries alone resulted in the need for corrective surgery. The attacks included bleach sprayed in the eyes. Lit cigarettes up the nose. Fractured skull. Cracked ribs. Repeated scalding with an iron and boiling water and attacks with a claw hammer. And yet even after all that ill-treatment, the victim has not lost faith in finding another partner. These are the touching words that reached out to me and brought tears to my eyes:

“It’s going to be difficult when I meet someone who doesn’t understand what I’ve been through. They will no doubt ask about my scars, and I’m not going to lie. My fear is that they’ll wonder what I did to deserve it”¦”

Prior to the relationship, this person was a successful professional. After the relationship this same person was left homeless, penniless and living in the grip of crippling fear. Trapped in the silence by constant threats, the victim says “I felt as though I couldn’t walk away, because she told me she had family who were involved in organized crime who would kill me if I left her. I felt I was trading with my life”

Yes, the reason why this particular story made the headlines was because the abuser was a woman. A small woman at that, standing at just 5ft 1. The victim is a man. A well educated, successful man who, in his own words “was brought up well and taught never to hit a woman”. Like so many of us here on this site he had trusted his partner. She took control of his money and ran up debts — another familiar story for so many of us. So the night he finally broke free (after a worried friend tipped off the police) he found himself staying in a shelter for the homeless — where he stayed for the next 18 months. Looking back at that time he says “I didn’t have any money and didn’t know where to go or what to do. I was petrified walking the streets, as I was paranoid her brothers were going to come and kill me. As it turns out, they didn’t exist. But I didn’t know that at the time”

It Can Happen To Anyone

The gentleman in question is called Ian McNicholl. He took the brave decision to speak out but as he says “I can completely understand why some men will feel embarrassed speaking out”¦. The massive problem is that men are not seen as victims.”

It’s deeply moving stuff and my heart reaches out to this man. I feel for him on many levels. Firstly because I know how hard it is to come to terms with betrayal and emotional abuse. Unlike this man, though, I never (thank goodness) had to also endure physical torture.

Secondly because I know from experience how difficult it is to explain to others what has happened. I know what it feels like to answer questions that are meant to help, but that actually cause more pain “Why didn’t you do something earlier? How did you not notice? Why didn’t you just get away?” Of course, we all know it’s not that easy, and it hurts like hell when those close to us don’t seem able to understand.  It was tough enough for me — but I reckon that for this man he must have faced even bigger barriers because, as he says, men are “not supposed to be victims”

On closer inspection, I found that this kind of story is far from unusual. I read another article that said according to recent British Crime Survey statistics, a third of domestic violence victims are male. That’s at least 400,00 men a year in the UK alone. Another anonymous male victim says :

“Did I say anything to anyone? Or leave her? No, I didn’t. For, like thousands of other male victims of domestic violence, I was mortally ashamed of what was happening to me. I made light of what was happening, even though it robbed me of my confidence and self-esteem. After all, I was a man. How could I be a victim of someone nearly half my size?”

I know it was hard enough for me to break free and share my story with sympathetic friends. I felt the burning shame, the twisting guilt and recoiled at my own head-bangingly stupid blindness — all of those feelings that most of us here know only far too well. But I was lucky. Because as soon as the truth came out I was encouraged to talk. The anonymous gentleman goes on to say: “”¦embarrassed I’d put up with I for so long, I didn’t tell many about the experience.”

Who Can Handle The Truth?

The shame runs deep. But I still believe it’s the silence that is a killer. Simon and Garfunkle put it very succinctly when they sang “silence like a cancer grows”. The silence can come from anywhere. We remain silent because we hold on to the hope that it will all be alright. Friends remain silent because they don’t like to interfere. Society remains silent because, in many cases, it’s just too horrible a truth for people to acknowledge.

The truth that yes, there are “bad people” out there. The truth that those caught in an oppressive relationship are trapped because they are good people — not because they are stupid, blind, or did something to deserve it. The idea that daylight imprisonment can and is going on right in front of our noses — and that others can do little or nothing to help.

Hmmmm”¦.. Or can they”¦.? I’m becoming more and more convinced that we can do a whole heap about this. I believe that the more we educate people about the reality of predators among us, the more we can stand up and do something about it. Because surely, the more that people can learn to trust gut instincts (we all have them) and the more we can act as a result, the more people can learn how to identify a threat and protect themselves accordingly. At the moment, sociopaths can more easily hide in a society that could arguably be said is psychopathic in its’ structure.

What do I mean? I mean the accepted (encouraged?) focus on greed, competition, looking out for number one, and the glib use of the phrase “it’s not personal you know!” All these go against our natural instincts.  They encourage us to toughen up and hide our feelings. They encourage us to ignore our own internal sat-nav system that’s there for our own protection — for fear that we’re making a fuss? That we’re wrong? That it’s a storm in a teacup? That really — who are we to judge anyway? Better to put on a brave face and carry on regardless.

Well no, I don’t think it is. Too often (particularly in the corporate environment) I hear what I call the business babble of false words, double-speak and turning a blind eye. People carry on and ignore the fact that they are suffering. Until something happens”¦

Here’s a great example. I was working with a board of directors. To say they were dysfunctional is an understatement. There was much finger pointing and whispering behind closed doors, but no direct or honest conversations. The blame was placed squarely at the feet of one particular person — their boss. A lady who, it was deemed, was ”˜beyond help’ — the archetypal corporate bully who was so emotionally detached from her team, they felt helpless and depressed. It was during a group session that something changed. The boss was away doing ”˜important things’ so could not attend the session. All of a sudden, one small, quiet voice spoke out: “We may not be able to change HER, but we CAN change how we respond to her” he said “we all know when she does something mean or wrong, but we’ve kept quiet about it. Now it’s out in the open. Now we’ve all acknowledged what she’s like. So now it’s time for us to stick together and just say no. It’s our duty — to ourselves and to our teams”

A few seconds of shocked silence was followed by smiles, nods and an impromptu round of applause, and a few misty eyes as well. Something had happened. The group had acknowledged that something was wrong. They’d reclaimed their power and decided to stop letting the bad stuff happen.

The silence was broken. They’d spoken out. And now they were working together. That boss could never again hold them in such a stranglehold — her time was over, and theirs had just begun.

Comment on this article

Please Login to comment
Notify of
Ox Drover

Great Article Mel!!!!! The blog “female offenders” which is linked to LoveFraud lis about FEMALE sexual offenders, and they are according to stats, at least HALF of the offenders, so….what about female domestic violence offenders? I believe that females are at least half if not more than half of the domestic violence abusers if you include child abuse as well….emotional abuse of men if not physical abuse would include at least half women.

I am really sorry for this poor man, and the SHAME he has for being abused, but I think most, if not ALL, of us have felt that same shame at being abused, like some how we are abused because there is something wrong with us. If we were OK we would not be abused. But WE ARE OKAY and we do NOT deserve to be abused. I pray for this man’s healing and for the release of every domestic captive of shame in the world…we’ve got a lot of work to do to educate both the victims and the “bystanders” who do nothing because they “don’t want to interfere” or “they don’t want to be judgmental” or “it’s not their business”—-yes, it IS THEIR BUSINESS. It is ESPECIALLY our business since the scales have fallen from our eyes.


Mel, thank you for covering this story, and this topic.

From the bottom of my heart – thank you.


My first comment, though I’ve been here years now.

THANK YOU for this account! From a man wandering in the wilderness himself. Peace and blessings be upon this gentleman – and all of you.


Just wanted to post links to his story, and a video interview of him. You can tell that the press coverage still doesn’t get how it’s possible for someone to be so mind-f***ed that they can’t see their way out of it, but he did go a little way in explaining it when he said that one of the biggest barriers was running the risk of not being believed.

Thankfully, someone anonymously filed a report with police. But Mr. McNichol then chose to stand up and tell his story, and not let the shame silence him. That took incredible courage for him to come forward to the media.


Hello legendsleuth.

I’m sorry for whatever is that brought you here, but glad you’ve decided to comment. If we’re going to get anywhere combatting this stuff we’ll need everyone’s voices.



Kind words Ms Annie; thank you.

Ox Drover

Annie, thanks for posting the link…I usually read (on line) that paper but I missed that story.

Welcome, legendsleuth, if you’ve been lurking for a while then you know the community! Glad you decided to post!

Oh this poor guy! He says he worries that someone will wonder what he did to deserve that abuse. I wish he’d come in here and see our comments.

If my man had these marks on his body, I would NEVER assume he did something to deserve it. I’d be so furious with compassion that I’d probably start bawling my eyes out and want to wrap him up in my arms for comfort.

This man seems like such a kind creature (watched the vids). The things he describes are inconceivably sick.

Women need to become more aware of this so that we can start displaying a compassion with men that gets rid of this feeling they have of not being accepted as men when this happens. What a mouthful sentence. What I mean is that women should help solve this. We can do our part by educating ourselves and other women about this so that we can be there for men. They go through what we went through, except I think it’s even harder for them to reach out.

Oxy, you mentioned something about females being at least half of abusers, even sexual abusers. That is a shocking stat! Although, after what I’ve been through, I am ready for anything at this point by the way of psychologically sick people. Women fly under the radar so well. All the stereotypes that women have been branded with are usually seen as hindrances, but a sociopath or the like could definitely take advantage of this. I bet there are a lot of undiagnosed or wrongfully diagnosed women who will go on like this for ages. We’ve got to start pulling the covers off this as a society.


This topic hit’s a double whammy. My mommy dearest and xgaylover. That’s about all I can bring myself to say, it’s just to difficult to talk about at times…welcome Legendslueth..

Ox Drover

Panther “female offenders” which is a blog linked here is an absolute TREASURE TROVE of information….click on the link and read it. BloggerT one of our community here (though he does not post here much any more) is one of the ones who put that web site together with the studies and statistics that show that WOMEN are at least as much involved in sexual assault as men….(head shaking here) and if you look at child abuse and ALL kinds of domestic violence you will see that women are half the population and half the problem as well…hard to fathom but when you look at it logically, it is a no brainer.

Hens, sweetie, the shame is not the victim’s it is the abuser. Your mommy dearest and that creep that you took into your heart are only two examples of psychopaths. The shame for their behavior is not ours, it is THEIRS. But they do not feel it because they have no conscience. (((hugs)))

Ox I am checking out “Female Offenders” right now. Thanks for recommending. I’m still a bit shocked, but I’m starting to get used to being shocked. Sociopathville is a crazy and bizarre world existing right alongside our bubbles, and I guess it’s about time we noticed.

Ox Drover

“Sociopathville” LOL I had to laugh Panther…good name really and it is an ALTERNATE universe and any time we get sucked into the vortex things are not fun! LOL We must escape and never go back no matter how much we are lured by promises of love we must stay out of there and live in REALITYVILLE.

Oh, I could think of lots of things to populate that universe with but we need to stay on this side of the looking glass and turn off the gas lights.

Well, I’m yawning so going to bed. I hope 2B reports on her trip to the cops. G;’d nite!


@panther “Sociopathville is a crazy and bizarre world existing right alongside our bubbles, and I guess it’s about time we noticed.”

GREAT line!


hens – it’s a whammy here too, with my mommy dearest as well. Tough stuff to read. Hurts me to read that you went through it twice. Hope you’re OK – sending you hugs.

sharing the journey

This poor,poor man. The horrible thing about it being a male victim showing daily injuries like his-is that he could be mistaken for one of those violent men who are always in fights.

His poor battered face–could easily lead to these assumptions.

I am so glad she is paying the price and that he got away.

I also hope that his story paves the way for other men in these relationships. Just horrible.



Hard for me to read also, hits close to home for me, but in a slightly different way.

My daughter, five feet tall with the face and voice of an angel has been charged with assault three different times, with three different men. The one required emergency room treatment for lacerations she caused by breaking a mirror and cutting him. Each time, three different judges, took one look at the guy, listened to her sob story about how she was just protecting herself and let her off with anger management classes. The guy she cut ended up having to get a protection order against her because after the assault she began stalking and threatening him and his family.

This is not taking into account the current boyfriend, who does fight back. This has resulted in DV charges against both of them. However, time after time the police and judges just assume that she must be the innocent victim.

AND – the time she and boyfriend got into a brawl outside of a bar, she screamed for a passerby for help, he jumped in to try to “save” this poor little girl and ended up getting charged with assault and battery. Daughter and boyfriend both lied and said this guy came out of no where and attacked boyfriend. Innocent victim ended up loosing his job as a probation officer and now has a record.

AND – the time she showed up at our home, still high from a drug party the night before, face covered with cuts and bruises and demanded to take Grand home with her. When I refused, she went home, sobbered up, then went to police station and filed a report that I had beat her up and took her child. I was faced with either turning Grand over or having charges pressed against me. In my whole life, my only run in with the law was a lonely parking ticket.

Oh, I understand all too well.

The subtleties are many and varied but the core nature of these creatures and the impact their behaviour has on their victims are the same. The need to educate is key – and to emphasise that abuse isn’t just big hairy men beating up their women, as hateful as that is.

We can and should all tell our stories, but what we really need to do is to lobby for basic psychology to be taught to 13 and 14 year olds in our schools so that they can learn to protect themselves earlier rather than later.


I’m so sorry that your own daughter is putting you through so much. It’s hard to fathom women can be so cruel but my eyes have been opening to that for several years now. I think we project ourselves onto others so as a woman it’s so much harder to comprehend a female sociopath than a male one. But boy, do they exist!

One of my favorite sayings is, “the eyes only see what the mind knows”. I know a lot more now that I’ve been on LF!

When I was getting the restraining order from the ex spath I noticed he was the ONLY man in the packed courtroom that day who was getting served with a protective order. All 15 or so of the other people getting served with a restraining order were FEMALE! I was shocked. But what really got me was when I mentioned the emotional abuse, suicide threats he constantly made to make me stay, and finally the STD I was left with the entire courtroom exploded in laughter. I started bawling and hung my head low with shame and embarassment. I was almost in disbelief that these strangers who were all here for the same thing as me, protection, were laughing at me. The judge got angry with them, but that’s the only reason they settled down. I found no compassion in the courtroom that day from anyone except the judgeand all of these people were here for the same reason as me- bizarre!

I can see how many female sociopaths there really are now that I know the word sociopath. The ex spath had lots of them in his life, all exes that he kept going back to and always will. I figure they deserve each other, birds of a feather as they say.

Oxy, I downloaded Viktor Frankl’s book- excellent read so far. Thank you for suggesting it.

Panther, I love the term sociopathville! I definitely live there sometimes. At least now I don’t open my door. 🙂


Woundlicker ~ I am so sorry for your experience in the courtroom.

My hubby works in law enforcement. He tells of all the women abusers and how his fellow officers sometimes respond. They laugh and make fun of many of the men who have been abused by women. My hubby sets them straight, in no uncertain terms. They are not laughing when he is done with them. Hopefully, they will see the light, and handle things differently in the future. One small step at a time.


I was thinking the same thing. If I had learned or been taught what a sociopath was early on it would have saved a lot of heartache. I think they should teach this in school.

Annie, thank you for the link.

Hmm, had to answer a couple of emails from Steve the last few days. Gave him as little as possible, though. Managed to resist telling him what I thought of his latest behaviour with regard to our daughter who was raped, but it was hard. He doesn’t care, though, as long as you are paying him attention. So ignoring him or giving him one word answers is the best revenge I can think of.

Other than that, I’m OK, thanks … 🙂 How about you?

sharing the journey

To be honest–I don’t think that education would have saved from marrying the SP. He put on a good mask, was working when many youth weren’t and I thought he came from a good home.

Then yet again there were two tells. He STARED at me for six weeks prior to approaching me. I took this as Love at first sight. Don’t laugh–I was young. And marrying me quick, I was married within the year.

Coming from an alcaholic background I was too busy searching for clues for this. Also. in my family there was no support due to alcaholism,

I walked straight into it.

Yes–education is the key-but how do you cure romantic hearts.


sharing the journey

Hi Mrs Grimm

How are you keeping,


Formely Littlewhitehorse the doubter.



Definitely a good point. Even if I had known what a sociopath really was and didn’t believe the Hollywood definition, I don’t think it would have helped much. They are so good at hooking their claws into their victims with their lies and deception and phony mask that no one is really safe.
Perhaps only experience is the only way to truly educate oneself about the sociopath. How tragic for us non-spath’s!

Skylar, our daughter has Asperger’s Syndrome. She didn’t tell anyone for over a year that she had been raped and that she’d got pregnant and had a miscarriage – not me, nor her friends, siblings, cousins – even the people she shared a house with. The first I knew of it was when she dropped out of university.

Although she eventually reported it to the police who are conducting an investigation, Steve refuses to believe her. In fact, he called it ‘pure fantasy’ and responded by refusing to pay her rent any more because she is no longer a student. He wants her to return to live with me, despite the fact that this is the city where she was raped. Now he wants me to be the point of contact for the landlord and I am afraid that he is trying to manipulate me into being her guarantor, even though he is the one with all the money while I try to support four kids, two of them disabled.

They really are unconscionable.


Hi Mrs Grimm,
sorry you had to be in contact with the spath.

Was your daughter’s rape recent? Any drama will bring the spaths back. They can’t stand to have anyone else in the spotlight.

It would be funny if you responded, “dear daughter? oh she’s fine, she’ll get over it. What about YOU? How are YOU doing? Are you going to be ok? The news must have been a terrible shock to YOU!”

STJ and Woundlicker,
Funny thing is, when I noticed that the spath lied like I’ve nothing I’ve ever seen in my life, I researched it at the library – before the internet.

i found “People of the Lie” and read the book. It didn’t seem to apply. I think the most important thing we can teach kids is that evil doesn’t appear evil at all. It’s a mistake to teach them that evil is a big scary bogey man. It usually comes across as a sweet and loveable teddy bear, carrying a puppy or a kitten. My spath always walked around with his dog. He knows it made him look like a nice guy.

Absolutely, STJ. My kids know what their father is and how badly he is behaving and has behaved in the past – in fact, they recognise it more readily than I do because I was conditioned for so long. As a result, none of them want anything to do with him, so fortunately I have little contact with him and I haven’t had to see him in over a year, which is as well considering that the last time I did he was advancing towards me across a dark and deserted car park shouting with rage.

sharing the journey

Ahm doing all right. Taking it a day at a time.

So sorry he is like that with your daughter. My ex H takes nothing to do with my eldest and is only interested in the youngest. Easier to mould. It has been very painful for her.

Hate and him is still part of the landscape. Can’t wait to reach indifference.

Take care of you and yours


sharing the journey


Funny enough during my time with him I read people of the lie but couldn’t find satisfaction in regarding him.

This was pre abuse-but something always felt off about him and I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

I put it down to just being different.

The big reveal told all and that I was on the right track all along.

Take care


You too XX

sharing the journey

Mrs Grimm

I know you are replying to Skylar–but I am really upset for your poor daughter and yourself during this.

When mine hits me with a whammy regarding the kids I let them know-even if its painful.

I want to snooker him when he is old and looking for caretakers.

Although both our ex’s have the money-I have 3 children-we have the most important-the kids.

Thank God your daughter has you.

Take care


Hens, I agree, but what shocks me more is that they have no real regard for their children either. You would think. being brutish, that they would want to do all they can to nurture the furtherance of their genes, but no. I suppose that’s because they believe they’re immortal anyhow.

Still have issues and problems with the kids – well, they are adult now – but that’s normal. I am so thankful that they weren’t smaller when I divorced him. I feel for those poor women hwo have to entrust their little ones to the ‘care’ of someone with no soul.

sharing the journey

I’m so glad their loyalties aren’t torn between you. Makes the journey just that little bit easier. You have your hands full and you don’t need that.

He sounds lovely–NOT.
Take care



It’s confusing when you love someone that has no real regaurd for your well being, only on the outside, just enuff to keep getting what they want. Just enuff to keep you waiting for the crumbs tossed your way and then feeling so special because we got those crumbs. They take and take, watching us slowly desolve into oblivion, hoping we will die if we can not take care of their needs, so they can collect the life insurance policy on us and move on to seek and consume fresh humanity. And we still love them, some of us do anyway..but we chose to live and not settle for crumbs. They are no less than vampires..


Mrs Grimm,
he sounds like a raging monster.
You are blessed that the kids are on your side. That’s one less battle.
hugs to you and your daughter.

Ox Drover

Dear Woundlicker,

I didn’t know victor frankl’s books were down loadable….I would have done that had I known….His books saved my sanity and helped me heal….what that man went through no one knows, but he managed to survive and if he can so can I! That is what helped me move on, that and LoveFraud, Donna and Liane.

Thanks for letting me know they were down loadable. if you don’t mind, would you post the links?


Oxy, I bought the book on my kindle fire. Ugh, I suck at computer lingo, so I think I used the wrong term ‘downloaded’. I was born a century too late.
But I love my kindle! I have a lot of good suggestions from this website, it’s just hard finding time to read so much on the subject, you know? I’m just grateful there IS so much I can read about it.
Thanks for all your support and advice, Oxy. 🙂

Ox Drover

Dear Woundlicker,

Don’t think you are computer illiterate….I hardly know my
ABCs on computers, I can type really fast, but even that skill has decreased since the PTSD, but learning to program a computer or do all the things on them….DUH! I can train a pair of calves to pull a wagon, or a pair of jack asses, or train a dog, but gosh when it comes to computers….I have to get the KIDS to fix it! LOL

I still read the kind of book you hold in your hands, my son has one of those electronic books but I like to turn a page….LOL


You and my mom. My dad got her a kindle and she doesn’t like it. She reads tons of books, no nonfiction. Same with my dad. Maybe that’s why I feel like a kid in a candy store when I see all the books I can read on recovering from a sociopath. I want them all, but I have to pace myself.
I like this thing because I can make the words BIG – easy to read.

Ox Drover


That’s why I have these funny little glasses, they magnify the words and make them BIG! LOL

sharing the journey

Oxy-I too prefer a page turner book-lying in my bed in my comfy position. I worry that they will all become computerised and throw me out of my comfort zone.

Another thing that you do that I have found I do. Is to reach to the past and compare living conditions as to now. In my country a hundred years ago the life esxpectancy was 44, kids died frequently in childbirth as well as mums. Survival was the name of the game and women had no resourses to escape sociopaths, STD’s etc. That was just your fate. I am 50 now-so it was just half a century before I was born.

Also when I see ad’s on the telly for help in Africa-I can’t think how lucky I am-These women -just like me are dying and KNOW that their children are dying too. So helpless. And this is in the present. How must they feel.

I live modestly but I am rich beyond comparison to my peers in Africa.

There for the grace of God go I.

Take care OXY-You are a wee intelligent wummin with a big heart.


New Beginning

I have a Nook Color and enjoy it though on occasion I do still purchase physical books. The reason I purchased the Nook (has some tablet features as well) is that I go quite a few places alone including restaurants, outdoor concerts/plays, etc and I just take my Nook wherever I go. Sometimes I just do crossword puzzles and card games on it however when I am reading out in public, NO ONE can see that I am reading! Also have full internet access with it when I can pick up WiFi. It’s a mainstay with me in my purse when I go out.

Interesting thing happened with my Nook a few weeks back. I was reading a book that was based on a true story and an entire chapter was about a woman in hospice and the time period when they knew there was no hope through the time she passed away. It was a three week ordeal just as my Mom’s was and it detailed what the family went through. It was verbatim of what I experienced with my Mom so of course the tears started to flow. As I became more upset (more due to my SIL (spath) creating SO much drama at this time), I really fell apart. The pages in the e-book started going nuts. It was impossible to read….pages rapidly flipping forward and would only stop at the end of the chapter. Did the same when I brought it back to the beginning of the chapter then took my hands completely off of it. It would NOT stay on that chapter. Have never had it happen before with the Nook and I’ve read many e-books on it. So strange, yet comforting at the same time.


Thanks Mel for this nice jolt this morning.
It was like a ‘far away hug’….a very welcome validation.

You always have a way of connecting to my thoughts, it seems.
What a horrid experience for that poor man! But, I am sure there are probably many like him. Psychopathy isn’t just confined to male beings. Nor adults – mental illness can strike any one around us. It’s the ‘red flags’ we need to watch out for in order to protect ourselves.

I reached OUT of 8-1/2 months of NC to see things for myself. To ‘take it’s temperature’; to get some feedback; to look, one more time and nothing has changed. They don’t just change. They don’t ‘reflect’ as we do in an attempt to ‘better’ our souls.
I suppose my intrigue will wane over time and it is starting to. I find the whole ‘roadshow’ very boring and very NEEDLESSLY time consuming for me now. I have not and don’t intend to ‘buy into’ any further emotional investment with this person. This is MY LIFE not his or his gypsies…

These beings have no appreciation for all of the important things in this life. They value their own forms of entertainment and that is duping people for what they can get – that pleases them so much when they know you are miserable. They laugh at you because they find it amusing. They hate us for the strength and the things we have in ourselves and in our lives so they push their way up to us, to use us and suck as much as they can.

NC is not worth breaking because I saw, firsthand, the power behind the ‘mind control’…I AM a very strong person but if I had not been educated about this before dipping back into that ‘hell pot’, I surely would have fallen. I can see it now, how easily it happens…going back to an abusive relationship, I mean. These beings are very skillful at what they do.

I can’t for the life of me figure out HOW do they get this way? Are they born like this, with certain components just missing or are they by products of their environment? Their upbringing? Is it environmentally inflicted: ie: chemical exposures, etc?

I don’t necessarily believe that they are by products of their upbringing because I know LOTS of wonderful, excellent, great parents, who still end up with children in trouble and it isn’t the fault of the parent at all, so I am more inclined to believe that they are BORN this way and nothing will change. I am almost convinced it is a biological factor, like a missing link of some kind – all I know is that I want it away from me.

Virtue and morality is not something there is a surgery for. I am not sorry I broke NC and went back. It gave me final ‘resolution’ and ‘solidification’ in my decisions, personally. But I did it from almost 1,000 miles away, too. We have never resided in the same city or locale….And, certainly, not by phone. Never again. It was text only…two weeks it lasted and for two weeks I really watched and listened and it never changes with them. In fact, I saw everything I needed to see to once and for all and I have put my mind and my heart at rest personally about all this and that was the only reason I agreed to deliver the message in the first place. I wanted to see for myself and hear it…

I like what Ox said: “DRAMARAMA” hahahaha
That’s it too. I have my OWN drama to deal with, thanks.

At least I know I have the point across now about no out of the blue visits anymore…got that?! The last time he was met with immense disdain by the local authorities and I am sure it would happen again. To quote him: “I didn’t even do anything to you and look what happened!”

The only reason I broke NC was because he was so far away and I had to deliver a message and nobody else could get to him but me. I delivered the message, listened and ‘studied’ that ugly thing while I was there and I said:

“I want you to know that my life is moving forward without you and that I have, unlike you, gone to counseling and I have a new perspective on life and you too. I know what you are about now and I refuse to let you hurt me anymore. You are now another PTSD file somewhere, that I will put away and ignore.”

It isn’t even worth a good bye ; seriously. Something so dysfunctional…and nobody can help “IT” but “ITSELF” and according to “IT” – there is nothing wrong with “IT”; it’s the rest of the world that is messed up.

I, for one, am not jumping back into that rabbit hole of blackness anymore. I have no feelings about all this anymore. I have conditioned myself over the past couple of years, now, to just not care anymore. To take care of and focus on MYSELF and not worry about “IT” anymore. For any reason. So, this really WAS the last message I am EVER delivering. I saw and heard quite enough. Why just keep abusing myself? Hm?

I am stealthed, still.
I will always be stronger. Always.

This experience and this chunk of my life that has been thrown in the trash, will never be returned to me. I deserve to feel this spitefulness that I am feeling and it’s not going to change. I won’t let it devour me, like “IT” was trying to, and is still attempting…hahaha

The love bombing was a JOKE, when I heard and saw it; I almost threw up it made me so sick…that was phase I; when that wasn’t working, phase II began: gas lighting and pity ploys…well, those weren’t working to well either, so, then, it went to money…offering me money…
ahahahahaha (hmm, dupey thinking…)

Well, that didn’t work too well for “IT” either. Then the ‘golden grail’ was shown to me…how about a life together? ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha Too funny. That was the funniest thing I have heard in the past five years; seriously…no, there won’t be no ‘life together’….I didn’t fall prey this time and I am not ever going to ever again. Right to the point; bye bye…I have more important things to do with my time, even if it is sleeping or sitting on the can; know what I mean?

THANK YOU to all of you who have held my hand and showed me the truths about all this. I see them now. I only go to counseling now, once a month and the majority of my healing, I directly attribute to coming here and the amazing treatments I have been going through with my counselors. I have been going through a NO DRUG therapy and have fond it very helpful, to say the least. I seriously think I would not be here without the combination of LF and my counselors. So, THANK YOU!

Although I know I will always have emotional scars, I am better able to process the emotions now and the feelings. I SOBBED for two years. I mean, that was my life: sobbing, 24/7. NOW, he has no effect on me and I see it. This was proof to me…I have changed. I have and I just proved it to myself.

You know you are healed when you can stare the devil in the face and feeling nothing inside your heart anymore. I have found that. I am stealthed now.

Thanks to you all ~ you guys rock.

Love and Blessings ~ Dupey

Ox Drover

Thanks STJ,

New beginning that is “spooky” LOL but maybe you didn’t need to read that portion….I read a book a while back that had a chapter about a girl being badly burned…and I had to skip that chapter, it was too triggering.

I buy books at used books stores or amazon used at very low prices, even lower than for purchasing for a book reader device, but they are more difficult to store the way I buy them! LOL I do understand the value of the devices and my son takes his tablet/reader (not sure what to call it) wherever he goes and if we get wi-fi he has internet on it too. Also many of the books he likes are public domain and he will down load them for free. It is AMAZING just how many books are out of copyright and are available on the net!

Technology is amazing and the advancements in it are going through the roof so to speak. I haven’t really kept up with us, mostly use my computer for LF, FB, reading new, checking weather, and a bit of research, buying things over the net, finding things to buy over the internet and e mail and as a word processor.


While you are all talking books, let me tell you about an online shop called “Better World Books”. I believe it’s in the USA somewhere (from memory) and ships free within that country. I have purchased from them several times, really cheap (they do a lot of used books as well as new) and very quick service. Best of all they donate part proceeds to various literacy programs and charities.

(And no, I am NOT affiliated in any way – I am all the way “downunder” and have to pay full postage when I buy from them!)


When the kids asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I said a kindle or nook. I usually can never think of anything I want, but I really wanted this.

My youngest son, the only one that lives nearby, sent an email to his brothers that said – Under NO circumstances buy Mom a kindle or nook. She has still not learned how to retrieve voice mails on her cell phone, send attachments with her emails, download pictures off her digital camera, set her GPS and several other technological tasks. I have to do all of the above for her. I will not come to her aid everytime she wants to turn a page. Thanks

Little smart a**. And no, I didn’t get one until I learn how to download my pictures. How unfair.

sharing the journey


It’s almost as if your mum is saying ‘it’s ok-I’m fine-you don’t need to go over this anymore-this chapter is over in your life.

What a coincidence!!!

I too had a weird experience. It was about a week after I threw my ex H out and I had been doubled over in a sort of hunched protective way. All I could feel was adrenaline and fear. I felt so damaged.

I could not sleep and one night I got up to go to my small smoking room for a cigarette. There is a spotlight in the ceiling with three spots. One of them was not working and had not been for a long time.

I sat down to have the cigarette and was thinking that perhaps this time he has done it. I felt so damaged that I felt that I would not recover. I did not even feel like me anymore.

Just as I was thinking this-the broken spotlight lit up-and I had a thought telling me-‘don’t worry-just follow the light’.

I had a feeling that my guardian angel was there protecting me.

I have come a long way since that night. I am still alive whereas I felt that night I was dying. I had lost loads of weight over a short period of time and was very thin.

Just weird

Take care

New Beginning


Yes, I agree 100% there is a spiritual energy watching over you! It’s so wonderful that we receive comfort from them and also have these moments as markers to see how far we’ve come. I too, felt like I was dying and that was before my Mother came down with pneumonia and passed away. It’s been a long, difficult road but like you I have also have come a very long way and am healing, something I am grateful for and work hard at appreciating when I do encounter a bad day.

I now live in my childhood home and I have all sorts of strange things that happen here. Most “events” occur when my son comes over. R and my Dad were very close, two peas in a pod they were! Some of the happenings startle my son a bit as he hasn’t quite wrapped his mind around it yet. I know it’s my Dad just saying hello! Flashing lights, knocking on the heating oil tank in the basement, door knobs being jiggled but no one is there, etc.

Take care and be well.



your kids are not very good narcissistic supply!

When my spath mother needed any of these things, I would drive 160 miles round trip to do them. Or I would figure out a way to get someone else who could do it for them – even manipulated my spath siblings so they would do things.

As the designated sacrificial lamb for my family, there is no sacrifice too great (or too small) that I didn’t sign up for if it would make my spath mother’s life easier.

Now that I’ve pushed her off the pedastal, I do a LOT less driving! 😀


No, Sky, my boys don’t cut me much slack. I think, while I know it was done in good humor, the email was a way of the youngest reminding his older brothers that HE is the one here, the one helping out dear old mom.

Thing is, I recognize that more than anyone and never forget to act accordingly. I puppy sit his dog everyday while he works, pick him up little goodies when I shop, etc. He is adopted, and when I have asked him if he would like to find his “birth parents” his answer has been “No way, I have enough trouble keeping track of you two.” LOL

I am sorry that your mother treats you like the family slave. Did you ever notice that this often happens in a family, one child is singled out to be responsible for “family duties”, while the others go merrily on their way? The one child is just expected to do whatever is asked, while the parents go out of their way to make excuses why the others either can’t or won’t.

I was an only child, so can’t directly relate, but my parents went out of their way to show their appreciation for whatever I did for them. That’s the way it should be, I never minded doing things then.

Glad you worked your way “out from under”.

Lovefraud is being upgraded. Comments and forum posts are temporarily disabled. Dismiss

Send this to a friend