Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Georgia.”
My story is three years in a same-gender relationship that began with off-the-charts chemistry. At 6 months the love bombing stopped and things slowly changed.
In my personal experience there is a ‘lesbian disadvantage’ in the narc world because both these relationships often contain 4 of the most common traits;
(a) lesbian bed-death at 3-6 months (same as the end of the love bombing),
(b) self centered in nature,
(c) moves the relationship to intimacy very quickly.
(d) promiscuous behaviour & cheating.
There were red flags that I saw and ignored which puzzled me because I had no understanding at the time and of course this was my newly found soul-mate, so I made allowances. Every victim and/or survivor I’ve spoken to all say “if only I knew sooner.”
My relationship over the 3 years was a roller coaster filled with ups and downs, drama, lies, false promises, alcoholism, several arguments, manipulations and gaslighting all enmeshed with a (mostly verbal) loving and caring attitude.
After our 4th breakup, at her request for reconciliation, she asked me to marry her because she “wanted a future with me” at which point she mirrored me once again by being the perfect loving and caring partner BUT she was cheating and in full pursuit of my now ‘ex’ friend, and when caught she was committing suicide, very feebly I might add, got herself admitted involuntarily to a psychiatric hospital by her family and managed to get herself discharged after just 4 days with no real diagnosis, no family consults, no counseling and prescription for Bi Polar meds which was promptly thrown in the trash.
Drama drama drama. Within 14 days of our 5th breakup she was on a dating site, hooked a new victim and I was replaced. Added to this, the ‘ex’ friend succeeded in deceiving me for a further 5 months about her actual involvement, denied there was any and then ‘held this enemy very close’ … until I managed to piece things together, so I was deceived and manipulated from all sides which led me to believe that this friend is also a Cluster B, but based on her life, more likely a psychopath and I believe something happened between them because there was also a severing of ties with them, but for me it has been a double-whammy that I am still reeling from!!
My narc is still in the relationship with my ‘replacement’ from the dating site. This new victim is a ‘spiritual’ person and trainee spirit medium (using her as her guinea pig. Lordy!!) who thinks she can heal a slightly troubled soul (boy, is she in for a surprise) and all I see is the mirroring. She’s become the new victim’s twin!! Suddenly she has this deep spiritual interest and life purpose where previously she had no interests in anything whatsoever, she’s dressing the same and doing everything she refused to do during our relationship, even claims to have grown a conscience. What a crock!! Her family are also now in disbelief at this 180 degree change in character.
This breakup happened 7 months ago and while the discard was absolutely brutal, the utter disbelief still lingers with me every day.
It was only after our 5th breakup, which was in September last year, that I locked on to the ‘narcissist’ information. In a state of emotional trauma and disbelief I read, listened and shockingly learned about the disorder and about what had happened to me, physically, emotionally and mentally during the love-bombing that kept me hooked into the 4-step cycle of idealisation, devaluation, discard and hoover. The emotional abuse is insidious and she, a covert narcissist, presented as a sweet person with good manners, with behaviour patterns that left me confused and in cognitive dissonance.
Her behaviour patterns check all the boxes and her ability to deceive is mind-blowing, while the emotional trauma I’m still working through is incredibly difficult. I have symptoms of PTSD, Stockholm Syndrome (which I HATE!!), serious trust issues and once an outgoing and emotionally strong person, I now retreat into solitude. I feel like my soul has been cauterized.
It took her 6 months to muster up the courage to face me and bring me ‘the truth’ of what happened between her and my (ex)friend. I had cut her off when I was informed that her pursuit was only a pursuit (obviously with intention) but she confessed that they did sleep together once however her pursuit continued for over a month before everything went pear-shaped at which time I went no contact and caused significant narcissistic injury.
Other than being completely deceived by them both and the mental and emotional anxiety that comes with that, when we met and spoke she went from confession and admitted that she had an attraction and simply acted on it without thought or concern and then went to blame-shifting, blamed everyone and everything for her deplorable behaviour, tried hard to be the victim and elicit sympathy of which she got none, but I’m sure the meeting was to facilitate her attempts at blaming the (ex)friend, her family, even our social group for her own absence of moral compass, but mostly I believe, to appease the new partner (my replacement) because the new partner is spiritual and lives in ‘honesty’. They’ve been together just over 6 months and she is getting desperate for the new partner to ‘attach’ to her so the love-bombing can stop and the insidious abuse can start. She’s running out of narc energy.
I have spent the past months learning about this disorder and at this time it’s likely that I know more about NPD than most therapists in my country. To this end I am writing a book about these toxic relationships, how to spot them, paying attention to the red flags and ultimately the healing process.
How to implement No Contact
Georgia…sigh. Oh my goodness. You were really put through the betrayal wringer. Geez. These types can appear to be SO not what they really are, and are such good shape shifters, it’s a wonder any of us figure them out. The preponderance of available information that we have in modern society is very helpful. But even with that they present with so many different faces, to so many different people, that they get away with murder.
I remember watching that chameleon-like transformation and thinking, initially at least, that he was just so much happier with the new woman that he was able to really be himself. It wasn’t until I read a whole bunch more, and learned more about severe narcissism, that I understood it was all smoke and mirrors and certainly not a reflection of personal identity or happiness.
As for the PTSD and Stockholm business it does get better and better with time and awareness. There’s no magic bullet to alleviate those symptoms, but I think knowledge and emotional processing is super helpful. I also found this website, for both knowledge and emotional processing, to be extremely helpful. There is much to be gained from hearing from people who are in various stages of healing and insight.
Much love and support to you,
Slim
Thanks for sharing your story. Stories like yours saved me when I was in the dark night of the soul. I’m hopeful for you and your healing. You have clarity. And I hear strength in your words too. I’m 1.75 years out from discard after 16 years. We are not divorced yet -ugh. But healing just takes time. All your best qualities — and you have many because narcs pick people with an abundance of goodness, smarts, talents and, of course, loyalty — will come back and bring you more joy than ever. But you’ll be able to protect yourself from gifting them to the wrong person. May your strength and positivity lift you.
As the 1st anniversary rolls around I look in the mirror and I see how this has aged me by ten years.
It was a year ago she decided to change the lives of several people. Without consideration or thought, without discussion, without even a hint, just like that. She went ahead.
Based on my own observations over the three year relationship plus a year in intensive recovery and reflection; my ex scores 27 / 30 on Lovefraud’s Sociopath Checklist and yes, the behaviours were and still are, undeniable.
Like every victim/survivor, it has been nearly impossible getting my head around the fact that it was all a lie, orchestrated by a grand master of deception for a specific purpose and that purpose had nothing to do with me or any person she forms a relationship with, but everything to do with her and her needs. I was deceived and that was her intention.
Worthy of reading and listening to is author of over 20 books; HG Tudor. He is diagnosed as a narcissistic sociopath and is currently in forced therapy. Classifies himself as an Elite Greater Narcissist, his YouTube recordings are the source of horrifying truths about him and his kind and I along with the few people who know the woman about whom I write will absolutely attest to this being 100% her character.
Start with searching for “Knowing the Narcissist” on YouTube and if you’re new to his work I’d recommend you first see his video’s titled
“Trust”
and
“The Ties That Bind”
and
“The unstoppable love frauds”
God speed in your recovery process. The reason you’re here reading this is probably because you’ve been brutally discarded and trashed so keep reading, learn learn and learn about this evil and heal from it. Raise your vibration and rebuild your life so you’ll never fall into this trap again.
“Georgia”
Beware watching a narcissist video may trigger you. Its most likely better to read accounts of victims of narcissist then to listen to the lies, manipulation & cunningness of a narcissist in a video. Remember ALL narcissist & sociopaths want to mess with everyones minds & have control over them….even in a video.
Oh thank you for the comment. Having tested myself by looking at photos of the narc I’m happy to report I’m past the triggers now. It’s at that point when there’s no longer an effect that you go from survivor to thriver 🙂
🙂
Hi Georgia, I actually had to read your story twice because this is exactly what my story with this ex Narc was like in my life and in some twist of fait I actually thought that you were her, writing my exact same experience with her!! Because this is exactly what she did to me over a 3 year period. Except her immediate discard of me was with her work colleague whom she is still in a relationship with 1 year after she discarded me. I too was manipulated and controlled by this sweet talking Narc but this time with methamphetamine drugs. She promised the world to me and convinced me that we were soul mates or even better, twin flames. This Narc studied me on facebook for a few years before she approached me and so she read all my posts about compassion and being a good person and also my desire to find my soul mate. So when she approached me she knew me from cover to cover so when she met me, she was already 10 steps ahead of me and I was gone! hook, line and sinker!! When I look back now I see all the red flags and am trying to rebuild my life slowly, but it’s hard. The only plus I have to this entire traumatic experience is that after our 1st break up and only being together for 1 month, I had been that love bombed in such a short period of time that I checked myself into AA and have never looked back. The only thing my Narc pushed me to do was to become a recovering Alcoholic and I have remained sober throughout this entire 4.5 year ordeal. My ex Narc also has two beautiful daughters whom she also turned against me, they are lost to the dark side unfortunately and are showing the signs of early stages of Narcissism themselves. The best I can do is run, and run I have. But it’s a daily process and I know my God will bring me out of this, Thank you so much Georgia for sharing your story. The Narc also committed domestic violence against me and within the lesbian community I still am recovering from this also. All the best in your journey to Victory. A