Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Georgia.”
My story is three years in a same-gender relationship that began with off-the-charts chemistry. At 6 months the love bombing stopped and things slowly changed.
In my personal experience there is a ‘lesbian disadvantage’ in the narc world because both these relationships often contain 4 of the most common traits;
(a) lesbian bed-death at 3-6 months (same as the end of the love bombing),
(b) self centered in nature,
(c) moves the relationship to intimacy very quickly.
(d) promiscuous behaviour & cheating.
There were red flags that I saw and ignored which puzzled me because I had no understanding at the time and of course this was my newly found soul-mate, so I made allowances. Every victim and/or survivor I’ve spoken to all say “if only I knew sooner.”
My relationship over the 3 years was a roller coaster filled with ups and downs, drama, lies, false promises, alcoholism, several arguments, manipulations and gaslighting all enmeshed with a (mostly verbal) loving and caring attitude.
After our 4th breakup, at her request for reconciliation, she asked me to marry her because she “wanted a future with me” at which point she mirrored me once again by being the perfect loving and caring partner BUT she was cheating and in full pursuit of my now ‘ex’ friend, and when caught she was committing suicide, very feebly I might add, got herself admitted involuntarily to a psychiatric hospital by her family and managed to get herself discharged after just 4 days with no real diagnosis, no family consults, no counseling and prescription for Bi Polar meds which was promptly thrown in the trash.
Drama drama drama. Within 14 days of our 5th breakup she was on a dating site, hooked a new victim and I was replaced. Added to this, the ‘ex’ friend succeeded in deceiving me for a further 5 months about her actual involvement, denied there was any and then ‘held this enemy very close’ … until I managed to piece things together, so I was deceived and manipulated from all sides which led me to believe that this friend is also a Cluster B, but based on her life, more likely a psychopath and I believe something happened between them because there was also a severing of ties with them, but for me it has been a double-whammy that I am still reeling from!!
My narc is still in the relationship with my ‘replacement’ from the dating site. This new victim is a ‘spiritual’ person and trainee spirit medium (using her as her guinea pig. Lordy!!) who thinks she can heal a slightly troubled soul (boy, is she in for a surprise) and all I see is the mirroring. She’s become the new victim’s twin!! Suddenly she has this deep spiritual interest and life purpose where previously she had no interests in anything whatsoever, she’s dressing the same and doing everything she refused to do during our relationship, even claims to have grown a conscience. What a crock!! Her family are also now in disbelief at this 180 degree change in character.
This breakup happened 7 months ago and while the discard was absolutely brutal, the utter disbelief still lingers with me every day.
It was only after our 5th breakup, which was in September last year, that I locked on to the ‘narcissist’ information. In a state of emotional trauma and disbelief I read, listened and shockingly learned about the disorder and about what had happened to me, physically, emotionally and mentally during the love-bombing that kept me hooked into the 4-step cycle of idealisation, devaluation, discard and hoover. The emotional abuse is insidious and she, a covert narcissist, presented as a sweet person with good manners, with behaviour patterns that left me confused and in cognitive dissonance.
Her behaviour patterns check all the boxes and her ability to deceive is mind-blowing, while the emotional trauma I’m still working through is incredibly difficult. I have symptoms of PTSD, Stockholm Syndrome (which I HATE!!), serious trust issues and once an outgoing and emotionally strong person, I now retreat into solitude. I feel like my soul has been cauterized.
It took her 6 months to muster up the courage to face me and bring me ‘the truth’ of what happened between her and my (ex)friend. I had cut her off when I was informed that her pursuit was only a pursuit (obviously with intention) but she confessed that they did sleep together once however her pursuit continued for over a month before everything went pear-shaped at which time I went no contact and caused significant narcissistic injury.
Other than being completely deceived by them both and the mental and emotional anxiety that comes with that, when we met and spoke she went from confession and admitted that she had an attraction and simply acted on it without thought or concern and then went to blame-shifting, blamed everyone and everything for her deplorable behaviour, tried hard to be the victim and elicit sympathy of which she got none, but I’m sure the meeting was to facilitate her attempts at blaming the (ex)friend, her family, even our social group for her own absence of moral compass, but mostly I believe, to appease the new partner (my replacement) because the new partner is spiritual and lives in ‘honesty’. They’ve been together just over 6 months and she is getting desperate for the new partner to ‘attach’ to her so the love-bombing can stop and the insidious abuse can start. She’s running out of narc energy.
I have spent the past months learning about this disorder and at this time it’s likely that I know more about NPD than most therapists in my country. To this end I am writing a book about these toxic relationships, how to spot them, paying attention to the red flags and ultimately the healing process.