Editor’s note: Joyce M. Short is the author of a soon to be released book, “Carnal Abusive Deceit When a Predator’s Lies Become Rape.” The book chronicles her life with a predator, the subsequent aftermath and her road to recovery. It also provides advice for victims and their supporters, and discusses the issues surrounding criminalization of rape-by-fraud. Joyce lives in New York City, where she’s a real estate broker, professional tennis instructor and a strong advocate for her community.
A Predator’s “Mark” Often Struggles to Overcome Rape-by-Fraud or Emotional Rape
By Joyce M. Short
I was hoodwinked by a charlatan. It was not until I found the appropriate terms to express what I’d experienced that I actually began to feel relief. He lied about everything ”¦ his age, his education, his marital status, military service and more. The man who seduced me, who I came to adore, was nothing but a charade.
Once I learned of his treachery, it took years to mend. It was complicated by the fact that we had a child together. As I struggled through his physical and financial abandonment, depression and the sense of defilement that resulted from his wrongdoing, I finally determined to write a book about it. Doing so enabled me to put the facts and his behavior into context. Beforehand, they were jarring memories loosely floating through my consciousness and disturbing my peace. While purposeless rumination and a sense of deprivation were eating me alive, he skipped along on his way to an affluent, secure life. My determination to write the book renewed my sense of power, which had been stripped away by his debasing actions.
Writing my story
Writing is a process, and writing about one’s painful past is fraught with starts, stops and detours. Facing the most painful memories can erode one’s spirit as we relive the actions that caused us so much grief. As I continued writing, I attempted to convey how “raped” I felt at his hands. I coined what I thought was my own invention for describing his impact, “emotionally raped.” I decided to take a look on the Internet and see if it was a term that was in common usage.
Before I completed typing all the letters, the words, “emotional rape” sprang up, denoting that the term actually existed in techno space. Before me lay several options to chose from. I was overwhelmed. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I had to take a few minutes to collect myself before I could continue. Just the validation alone that what I felt was an actual, identifiable occurrence that someone, somewhere in the universe knew about was mind blowing.
Rape-by-fraud
I’ve continued researching and writing since then. Today I understand that when someone pretends to be a person they are not in order to induce you to have sex with them, they are committing the crime of rape-by-fraud. When they deceive you about their character in order to cause you to feel a loving bond with them, they are committing emotional rape. They are defrauding you of your highest emotion, which is love.
Unfortunately, the crime of rape-by-fraud is only punishable in a number of states: California, Massachusetts and Tennessee. Emotional rape is not punishable anywhere.
If you felt raped at the hands of a predator who lied to you, but were not physically overcome, now you know why. Rape by duping someone is as much a means to circumvent your opposition as doping would be. Doping a victim to engage in sex is widely known as “date rape” and punishable by law. The act of sex does not have to hurt you physically in order to hurt you emotionally. The trauma and confusion to victims increases with the length of time that sex with the imposter continues.
Just as doctors can’t prescribe cures until the illness is known, victims of rape-by-fraud and emotional rape have a difficult time recovering from something they don’t recognize or understand. Once a person knows what they are dealing with, they can take the necessary steps to heal themselves.
Thank you, Joyce, for this important article. I am absolutely going to buy your book. Emotional rape was the WORST abuse I suffered at the hands of my N/Spath. I was used as a sexual object and didn’t even realize it. It all started way back in high school where this awkward, sweet boy had a crush on me. I was already seeing someone else, but this sweet boy had something about him that I found endearing. My ego was boosted by his attention and because I came from a family that deprived me of much needed love, my self-esteem was in tatters. I basically jumped at the chance of being adored by someone. We were intimate, but I went back to my then boyfriend at the time. I though it was all over. He even wound up going out with someone else.
Apparently it wasn’t over for him. His crush remained and he told everyone of his friends about our intimate experience and that he was so in-love with me. I felt bad because my feelings weren’t mutual, but I still cared for him and have to admit that it was thrilling for me to be adored so much. I would have some of his friends come up to me and tell me how much he loved me. There was one incident back then, however, that was a red flag. We were at a party together several months after our intimate encounter and while with other people now. A boy I didn’t know came up to me and starting hitting on me hard. When I asked him why he was coming on so strong he replied, “We’ll that guy over there said you had sex with him.” Hmmm…
In the subsequent years the sweet boy would call me and we would get together now an then. Sometimes it was innocent and casual and other times more intimate. We were both with significant others and we never left our respective significant others to fully be with one another. Then after 4 years he called me out of the blue. I had since broken up with my boyfriend, and then another boyfriend, and I was free. He invited me up to his college and I went. That night was sweet and he had told me that he had spent several years thinking about me every single day. I was the love of his life and that he even thought of so many ways to get me back. I asked him if he was still with his girlfriend and he said they weren’t serious because of college.
Over the next few weeks we saw each other again and on one magical night he professed his first, “I Love You.” This was the very first time he said it and I really believed him. After that I found myself falling in love with him. The catch was that he was going overseas for a few months.
While he was away, he would send me the most fantastic love letters. I was hooked. Here’s another catch, HE WAS STILL WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. He finally admitted that his relationship with her was serious and that he wasn’t sure what he was going to do. I was crushed.
When he returned from his trip, he let me know that he and his girlfriend did, in fact, break up. I was overjoyed and leaped into his arms, but he stopped me and put up his hand and said, “But I’m not ready for a serious relationship.”…WHAT!!! What does that mean. After all the love letters and sweeping declarations, he no longer wanted me and only me. Huh?
We did date for that summer, but the whole time I felt his distance. Whenever we were around his friends, I felt as though I was out of the loop about something. It was always strange because I was, for the most part, the only female hanging out with the group. As the weeks rolled by, I was devalued more and more and kept at a distance more and more. I was aware if it and not at all comfortable with it, but I couldn’t understand it. We were still very intimate every evening. He even suggested we experiment with bottles and such. I trusted him, so I went along with everything. I really still thought I was the love of his life.
We broke up and then got back together, but it was never, ever the same as it was in the beginning. He would argue with me and yell at me all the time. He wasn’t the same sweet, awkward boy I remembered.
One particular incident was a real turning point for me emotionally, though. We were up at one of his friend’s colleges and all the guys got into a huge hot tub. I got in too. My love, all of a sudden, started to pay a lot of adoring attention to me. I was actually grateful and excited that he was showing affection. Then, all of a sudden, he slipped my panties to the side and entered me. In shock, I yelled out and his friends jut stared at me. I told my boyfriend to stop but he said not to worry, that no one could see. After the deed, my boyfriend wanted nothing to do with me. He avoided me or made excuses whenever I tried to get affectionate.
I wound up cheating on my boyfriend, kind of, with one of his friends (I did not have intercourse with this boy). I thought this particular friend was a support to me and understood what I was going through. It turns out, he was just using me, too. I immediately tried to break up with my boyfriend after what I had done because I felt so bad and horrible. My boyfriend said he didn’t want to break up and that we will just forget about the incident. A couple of weeks later, he proceeded to humiliate me at a bar where he and his “friend” sang a despairing karaoke song to me. I had no idea it was about me until everyone at our table looked at me with shaming eyes.
After about another few months and more of the same behavior from him, I finally had the courage to break up with him once and for all. He then proceeded to tell me how all his friends hated me and that I was a bitch and not a nice person. I was blown away. I never did anything horrible to his friends and I always tried to love my boyfriend. He just screamed down at me as I was crying sitting on the curb outside his house.
Flash forward another year, I was at a bar where two of his friends were! I was uncomfortable, but they assured me that my ex wasn’t there. They were very nice to me and I was so relieved that they didn’t hate me like my ex said. They invited me up to their hotel room where a whole group of people were partying. I showed up and was the only girl…I went outside and sat on the balcony. The two friends joined me and I proceeded to cry and tell them how devastated I was at the whole break-up. They appeared to be very sympathetic and really listened. It was very late, so we went back inside the room to go to bed. When we got in there, everyone else was sleeping. We laid on the floor and the one boy took off all his clothes. I turned to the other boy and proceeded to giggle because I just thought the boy was being silly. The second boy then kissed me and the nude boy came over and joined him. Before I knew it, their hands were all over me. It didn’t last too long and only heavy petting, but I felt so dirty and humiliated. While they were having fun with me, they told me that my ex told them all the sexual things I would do.
Since that time, my ex engaged in a severe smear campaign against me that has lasted for 17 years. I feel as if I have been emotionally raped quite a few times. All because of my ex/Spath.
I can’t believe I just typed all of this, but I think I needed to get it out since this article is about exactly what I have been going through,
Thank You.
P.S. My ex had sex with several women while he was overseas and while me and his his girlfriend were back home waiting for him. He had also cheated on his then girlfriend with other women stateside. He is now married to one of the women he cheated on his girlfriend with and then left me for.
Obviously, your ex has a wicked set of morals. His pecker and his emotions have no connection, probably because he has no emotions!
While he didn’t lie about his identity, which would be consistent with rape-by-fraud, he mislead you about his emotional intentions and elicited love under false pretenses. That’s emotional rape.
Sounds like the two fellas that overwhelmed you together committed rape because they surely did not secure your consent before embarking on their behavior. Unfortunately, because the law is unlikely to support your report of wrongdoing, it would be extremely difficult for you to seek justice through the courts.
The failure of the legal system to recognize or support the concept of “knowing consent” will not make you feel any less defiled or violated by their actions. You’ll need to recover your personal empowerment and set clear boundaries for your expectations from others.
You’ve learned that there are folks out there who think of sex as nothing more than entertainment, and they don’t wear signs that say, “I’d like to use you as a sex object.” Instead, they overcome your resistance by appealing to your emotions.
Don’t become jaded, simply become knowledgeable and aware. Make sure that the next person you give your heart to is capable of returning the favor by researching their character.
We live in a world where alliances are formed through techno space. We make new acquaintances daily. Be sure to thoroughly weed out the predators who are out there. What they did before, they will do again. Make sure they don’t do it to you!
I hope sharing your story helped you along the road to recovery. Sometimes putting it down in black and white enables us to stop the constant ruminating that impedes us from progressing. It’s almost as if we are so incensed by the injustice that we’re afraid we’ll lose a part of ourselves if we don’t constantly think about it. Writing it down enables us to separate from those thoughts, if only momentarily, knowing we can go back to them when we chose.
The benefit is to place activities that empower you and bring you joy into the space that ruminating took up.
Wishing you peace and joy.
Joyce
Thank you for your reply, Joyce. I’m not sure about the rape option for the two guys who manipulated me. We had no sex oral or vaginal. It was just heavy petting and I did not stop them. Yes, I was in a vulnerable state emotionally and quite frankly I was just numb. I didn’t care anymore. Something died inside me at that moment. It left me devasted but I never, ever acknowledged it for about 10 years. I pushed it down, way down. When I finally did acknowledge the truth of what happened, I felt immense shame…I have since worked through that shame. I now understand I was violated.
I think what my ex did in the hot tub was more on target for date-rape. I wanted him to stop, but he continued because he was trying to score alpha dog cool points with his friends. That experience still haunts me.
I have moved on and am married now to a wonderful and loving human being. I don’t visit online dating sites or anything. I think my radar is good now with detecting users and manipulators.
It is just still difficult to accept that someone I thought I could trust, a boy that I had known for a few years and that others were vouching for, could turn out to be so horrible. And his wife now doesn’t see what I went through. She’s blind to it. Only knows what she’s been told by him and his buddies. He got away with it and his buddies can back up what a messed up whore I am by their version of events.
It just sucks!
It’s extremely difficult to get past the feeling of defilement and injustice. It can haunt you for a very long time. One does not need the validation of the courts to recognize whether or not they were raped. And the trauma of that betrayal can stick with you like glue.
You’re truly fortunate to have someone in your life that you can trust and feel joy with but you might benefit by getting professional help to give you some emotional distance from the past.
All the best!
Joyce
When and where will this book be available? Yes, emotional rape and rape by fraud are the inevitable injustices of relationship fraud. I don’t know if I’ll ever heal.
I promise…… you will heal with time and enlightenment. Healing may not be the return to your former self that you’d like it to be. It could be taking comfort that you got past a dreadful experience and that you are capable of feeling joy in your life once again.
We can never reclaim our innocence. We can only make peace with ourselves, grieve our loss, and move on knowing that we are wiser from the experience we had.
My email address is jm_short@ymail.com. I will send out notifications to all the book requests I receive.
Wishing you a speedy recovery and an emotionally fulfilling journey!
I too would really like to read your book joyce… This is a very raw and emotional subject and I’m not sure whether there are any other books about it?
Very interesting post… Found myself understanding it though I wish I didn’t .
I find myself in tears, sobbing something’s when I think of the person I gave everything to and a wave comes over me of deep sadness and dispair and disgust ..and am overwhelmed with sadness feeling personally violated… Used, mistreated, and even though I have all the I formation About logically understanding personslity disorders/sociopaths/narrassists……I still can’t emotionally understand how to get past the hurt…. Cause I have never experiences anything as deeply painful as recovering from this.,I actually don’t think I ever will get over it .
Don’t even like saying the word emotional rape but I know how it feels and it’s devasting.
Sisterhood I’m sorry to hear all you have been through… I pray you will heal and find peace.
Thank you. I’m getting there…your post reminds me a lot of myself. I too sob sometimes when I think of how I gave my ex Spath everything and he just disregarded me like I was trash.
Emotionally understanding and accepting what has happened to us takes far more time and tenderness than what it takes to intellectually know. Being gentle with ourselves is key. You did nothing wrong. You were violated and it is devasting. You have a right to your feelings.
I wish I could say there is a magic button, pill, etc. that will make it all right again, but there isn’t. You will be stronger and wiser though. Maybe not what you wanted but it is certainly what your soul needs.
I still hurt, but it does get less and less the more I educate myself and the more I focus on the present. You will get there, too. Don’t given up…it is worth the struggle. The journey doesn’t have an end, but it does have some spectacular milestones.
Many blessings to you.
Joyce,
I’m glad to hear you’ve written a book about “our secret humiliation and hurt”.We don’t get the support and understanding that someone who has been physically raped gets.Of course rape by any means should never be taken lightly;and it disturbs me that it is glorified in video games.Women are not mere “receptacles” and love should never be manipulated or won in a fraudulent way!
the sisterhood,
I’m glad you were able to write about your experiences.You have suffered greatly~~~now is the time to start healing!
Thank you! I think the hardest hurdle for me to get past was that I was in complete denial of what had happened to me for so many years. It has only been about 4 years since I was honest with myself and got educated on personality disorders. I blamed myself for not being good enough for him. I believed the lies.
To this day, a lot in my community back home think I was the crazy one in the relationship. I was needy, but not crazy. I don’t feel shame anymore…it was not my fault. Yes, I am responsible for my bad choices, but I never did anything with intent to hurt or have a blatant disregard for anyone’s feelings. I was extremely naive…that simple.
I still find it so difficult to believe how arrogant he was/is. I still can’t believe he has the image of the blissful family guy. He still hangs out with the same friends. He got away with it and is none too worse for it. That is where healing from the emotional abuse/rape takes it’s toll on me. I never got justice and never will. His wife and friends will remain clueless to the truth and continue to blame me for it all.
I am not in denial, however. I know exactly who/what he is. His father was an even worse version, so it doesn’t surprise me that he turned out to do this to me.
Oxy reminds me all the time that he hasn’t changed , but I continue to struggle with being the only one he did this to. I’m alone in this. I haven’t gotten any phone calls from ex-girlfriends comparing notes. His wife appears to be happily content.
Being a victim of emotional rape is a very lonely position to be in. I suffer from CPTSD from the experience and the flashbacks are still horrible. They have gotten better, but will always be there.
He didn’t win, though. I have moved on and have a really supportive husband who knows all of this and offers wonderful and insightful advice. I am authentically loved now and it is amazing. So when I am in the throws of a PTSD episode, I pray, meditate, and give thanks for my present situation. I am truly blessed!
Hi Blossom-
I’m glad you brought up the subject of video games-
We often hear arguments about the games children are allowed to play. Some say they’re “harmless” and help develop a child’s dexterity, reflexes and eye/hand coordination. To them I’d say, there must be a better way!
I’ve often heard the argument that not all children grow up dismissive to pain from what they play on their tv sets and other screens, but I think that could be explained by simple genetics. Some children are born with a predisposition to psychopathic tendencies and they are influenced to a greater degree by the hideous depictions they see and the gruesome actions they’re required to produce in order to succeed at a video game.
I had no idea that my son’s lack of empathy at a young age could be a harbinger of things to come. Had I read Dr. Leedom’s books at the time, I would have had more awareness- and I definitely would not have given him video games to play with.
!!!!! When I read this, my mouth dropped open. That’s it! That explains why I felt like I was raped even though I consented! Rape-by-Fraud is what happened to me! and thank God I live in a state where it is punishable by law! Joyce Short, thank you so much for writing this and making me aware of this. I’m so glad to have a name to put on it.
I’m so glad it helped. I can relate to your sense of relief, just as I felt the relief when I first learned the words.
I’f you’d write to me at jm_short@ymail.com, I’d like to help you pursue a case if you are in a rape-by-fraud state. They are Massachusetts, Tennessee and California. It is a very difficult case to pursue but it will help change society’s perception and that’s worth the fight!
Hope to hear from you!
Joyce
I hope folks are doing as well as can be expected.
Thank you Joyce, for this story and the book as well. Your experience, though much more involved and extensive than mine, like all the rest here on LF, still exudes the same story of vulnerability and the unbelieveable notion that one could take such intense advantage, cause such enormous personal destruction and pain to another in such a personal way because of that vulnerability. My very short and ridiculous experience leveled me. I can’t even start to imagine the strength and bravery of those of you who shared a life with these worms. You are to be commended for your intestinal fortitude. I think LF is a huge help for so many people, I know it has been for me.
In my healing process, I’ve learned that I’m much more distrustful of people in general than I was before. I’m skeptical of everyone unless I know them very well. Job hunting has intensified this skepticism as there are some very huge narcs out there, who may well be sociopathic, who will lie in your face, spam, scam and otherwise use or abuse you in this employer-centric world.
I had an interview with a jerk a few weeks ago who was so inflated, so cocky and literally filled with bravado, tell me his whole life story, including how his wife snagged a job because she did this or that. I asked him, “Are you telling me I should have done that?” He was so caught up in his own story, he looked at me like, “What are you doing here?” He wore a headset to the interview and took 2 calls. Disgusting. This was for a job as a service coordinator….defintely administrative so I was quite thrown when he said, all of a sudden, “You aren’t aggressive enough!” I was astounded and asked, “Aggressive enough for what?” His answer made no sense unless he thought he was interviewing me to be a sales rep. Then he quickly said, “You’re afraid to fail!” It was almost a comedy and I would have laughed and kicked him where the sun don’t shine at that point because he was literally nuts and wasting my time. I only wish I had said something applicable and just left. But no. I only wish I had said something to path when I realized he was up to no good (immediately the day I met him!!!) but no. If I were the type to say something, path would never have bothered me to start with. This absurd interviewer upset me so much because of path and the knowledge that I have been “emotionally raped” by him.
Thank you for that Joyce, thank you. What I have realized over the past several months is that path was just a distraction, a mirage for me. I am a worrier and he gave me a place to go in my head to get away from worries. I spun a huge love story around his presence in my life but he acted like a fool throwing crumbs that completely hooked me….emotionally. There was no sex, no touching. Just this feeling of intense connection, these convos and insightful comments he made, calling me “My girl,” asking me to go away w/him. That was the turning pt for me. When this high level mgr asked me to go away w/him, to put his marriage, job, child, money on the line to go away w/me, I decided he *had*, just *had* to have feelings for me. I was flying. I never thought I would have someone, esp someone like him, ever notice me again, let alone put everything on the line for me????
That trip never would have happened even if I had answered in the affirmative which I did not. I was so shocked, I just walked away. He never brought it up again. Hell, why would anyone ask you to go away w/them, the destination being approx 6 hrs by car, stay w/them 24/7 when you had barely spent 30 min w/them at any one time? I was actually thinking, “What will we talk about? How do I know we’ll get along living in the same place for what 5 days?” I couldn’t fathom what in the world he was thinking. Why? Because he wasn’t even considering such a thing. He was and is sick and was just trying to get a feeling for whether or not I’d take a 3 min closet break w/him, if you get my drift or maybe even stoop to asking me for a little afternoon delight if his younger, hotter babes weren’t available.
Not worth going on about it.
He emotionally raped me, got me hooked into his web and then spit me out. It would be my delight, my dream come true to know he is locked up somewhere, but I’m pretty sure, tho he was fired from that job, he is out there making the big bux somewhere else.
In the meantime, I still use him as a distraction. I don’t know why. Believe me, I need it. The guilt I feel from my willingness to email and think about this guy from AM to PM instead of attending to my family, is so huge, so intense, so bad. This emotional rape lasts a long time and each time I meet a loser like that interviewer, it just makes me aware of how many sick gross pigs are out there, waiting to take advantage of anyone they can. In this terrible employment and economic situation, the very ill are doing a lot of raping. Those of us who have been there will recognize it right away.
Here’s to continued healing.
Sounds like you picked up on early efforts to “love bomb” you. I’m so glad you resisted. Folks like this throw you a bone initially and see if you’ll bite. If you’d responded positively to the invitation to go off with him, you’re correct that you’d likely become the “closet” interlude, and it’s also likely, that the plans for that special “escape” would never come to pass.
Predators generally have significant drive. It’s not uncommon for a psychopath or sociopath to have a high level of testosterone. They often are “achievers”, even if only in their mind’s eyes. So as you look at the ranks of management in a firm, it’s little wonder that you’ll find a few folks there with disordered moral reasoning.
We don’t have to fault ourselves for being jaded simply because we are enlightened. The best protection against falling into a predator’s lair is knowledge and the awareness that signs of inherent empathy are an indicator of appropriate moral reasoning.
Stay safe!
Joyce
Joyce, thank you. What a beautiful, sensible, sensitive response. Resonates very strongly with me. I appreciate your taking the time to post this comment, as it’s truly enlightening.
I have not read these words before and they are highly revealing and explanatory to me:
“When they deceive you about their character in order to cause you to feel a loving bond with them, they are committing emotional rape. They are defrauding you of your highest emotion, which is love.”
This is just *exactly* what happened, exactly what happened to me. To see it in writing almost hurts, it’s so clear.
“Just as doctors can’t prescribe cures until the illness is known, victims of rape-by-fraud and emotional rape have a difficult time recovering from something they don’t recognize or understand.”
Once again, right on the mark. When I was a young woman, I suffered a panic attack that lasted for months, couldn’t eat, sleep, can’t believe I actually made it to class (was in college) and part time job. I was already thin and lost maybe 15 lbs. Why did this go on so long? At the time, no one knew anything about panic and GAD. My doctors wouldn’t give me anything to take the edge off (it was the 70’s and such prescribing was taboo) so I toughed it out. How I made it w/out committing suicide is beyond me. Years later, anxiety disorders became the boutique mental issue du jour so I got some help. Too late for me, but not for others who caught it before it became too much a part of their psyche.
I so wish I could have figured this sociopath out before he poisoned me. I googled too late. I have no closure as I have no idea about him, his life, other things that I know, because I know myself, would make me just despise him. I wish I had that knowledge.
I’m one of those epiphany, aha moment types who can angst for years, only to hear or see something and all of a sudden things make sense! So I do want to add that one thing that helped me very much was something I read one night a few months ago. I’m paraphrasing here, “Imagine that you are a chronological adult but emotionally you are 3 years old. This is a sociopath.” That really struck a chord in me and makes perfect sense. Yes, they are disordered, but when I think back on the path’s behavior, it was very much like a spoiled, self-involved baby living in their own little world where fibbing, instant grat, entitled behavior, always being right is just part of the challenge of the age.
I am so sorry you went through your ordeal and am glad you are stronger for it. I look forward to reading your book.
Sorry, my mind is working overtime today. Just wanted to add that another reason I believe paths do stop developing emotionally as toddlers is that, even in the face of losing it all, they still believe nothing will happen to them, perhaps don’t even consider it when they behave in such a ghastly fashion. In my case, I was asked to go to visit another state w/him, to come and visit him at his home (this invite was for real, but had I gone, who knows what would have occurred), and he flirted and said things that were highly provactive, suggesting in many ways that we were alike, connected. As well, he was a total dismissive jerk on other days and times, following a warm encounter with a disappearing act or a statement so cold and callous, it flew in the face of all else, “You should move across country, you’d love it there!” Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Wasn’t it just the day before that he told me that I could do no wrong in his eyes and asked me 3 times if I understood that? Because I had no inkling of an idea what was happening, and I was hooked, I made excuse after excuse and I believed them all, at least to some degree. The cog diss was so bad, so strong and overwhelming, I didn’t really know what to believe anymore. Such are the cobwebs, mirrors, and smoke bombs of chaos these deranged individuals are somehow able to make happen.
I read Joyce’s story and everybody’s posts, and just having the language to name the shocking and traumatizing experience makes me feel not so alone and so disoriented.
I would like to share my experience as I try to heal from a dangerous situation I just escaped.
I am lonely and vulnerable due to three losses closely together: divorce a year 1/2 ago; mom’s passing away almost a year ago, only child leaving for college last summer. Emptiness and vulnerability.
My car, mom’s old car, was breaking down, and I accidentally fell into the claws of a mechanic who appeared EXTRA kind. He offered to pick up my car from my workplace; gave me his personal car to drive while fixing mine; showed extra smiles and cajoling and charm every time I brought my car; moved in aggressively when my car croaked and wouldn’t start, and told me to look for a new vehicle.
He asked me out to dinner, I accepted as a joke, as he seemed so not my type of a date. He was so humble, so adoring, so attentive, seemingly so smitten. I was so lonely and this attention from a man was balm to my lonely heart. He read this Achilles’ heel, and moved in full force.
Police knocked on my door one day while my undrivable car was in his shop’s parking lot, that someone was shooting at a construction site from my car and I was liable; the guy “R” acted like he knew NOTHING about it. His former employee fit the police description, yet R denied any knowledge or involvement. I signed over the title to a charity as I wanted to immediately be free from the encumberance of liability again. R had removed my car from his lot, and I had NO control over it. He manipulated and pressured me to let him sell it for me to a tech school, which I consented as I was at his mercy, and was not assertive/aggressive to tell him off and muddied by the fact we began to date.
He lied all along that he spoke to a techer at school, that kids came to pick up the car, the amount teacher offered, that he’d ask him for more, that he’d have me sign a bill of sale which would take care of the title that was already void as it was signed over to a charity…had me sign a BLANK bill of sale and I trusted his word that the school would fill it out and he’d give me a receipt. He paid me cash, minimal amount.
I broke up with him two weeks ago. I tried to twice before, but he sensed it and manipulated me with pity ploys not to each time. THis time I was wiser, gave him NO CLUE what I was about to do, acted as if nothing was wrong and offered we have coffee after work.
At the diner, I told him nicely we didn’t have enough in common and I didn’t want to see him anymore. He was truly shocked, said “WOw I didn’t expect this at all.” And walked away surprisingly calmly.
I was happy and relieved.
Until.
A week later, he texts to please call him.
I did not.
THe next day same test please call him.
Stupidly, I was NICE. Called him. I SO WISH I HAD NOT.
He tells me to please help him by getting a duplicate title at the DMV as “the school” needs to sell the car to raise funds for their program but can’t with the title I signed over to someone else”
I investigated, found school never heard of him or my car. Spoke with him Monday asking who he talked to at school before I learned the truth. He then would not return my calls, seeing he was caught in a lie.
I went to police. They told me hid did nothing criminal as I signed a bill of sale. He KNOWS this as he does this ALL the time.
I texted him in rage to return my car immediately.
He texted a patronizing message that “He’s moved on and so should I”. I broke up with him! and to “Enjoy life it’s a gift”
To know that he had to have the LAST WORD by revealing the truth that he took me for a ride with the car, insisting to call him so he could TELL ME that he had defrauded me, really hurt not for the money and the car, but for KNOWING that he was not the kind caring man he presented himself as, and he wanted to hurt me by revealing that and getting the upper hand in this “game.”
THis is so shocking.
I just told my therapist who confirmed to me that I was traumatized by a reality that I just didn’t know existed, that I had a brush with EVIL that exists in the world, and am now in shock.
Truly this is what everyone has posted and thank you all for confirming this very scary, very disturbing thing.
I thought I became wise after a horrific divorce form a sociopath, but look, I took the bait from the very next one.
A friend tells me, be HAPPY that he took your car and not YOU. Look at the poor women who were kidnapped, you don’t know this man from anywhere and what he could have done.
The last words, “Enjoy life, it’s a gift” are so scary to me, it’s like tipping his hand of what he truly is capable of, a veiled threat, that he could change that.
I had a sinking gut feeling when I talked to him on the phone once. I did not call him back for two days because I was busy then called him when I arrived for the week’s visit to my daughter’s college. He said in this SCARY SCARY control freak voice, “You have an understanding boyfriend and I don’t get any credit for that” implying that I was getting away with a LOT and he was overextending himself for excusing my misbehavior of not calling him at his beck and call. I felt this horrific sinking feeling and it cemented my resolve to break up upon my return from the trip. WHICH THANK THE LORD I DID.
I only regret that I succumbed to the pity ploy and had sex with him one last time before breaking up. Now I feel so DEFILED, so DIRTY, truly RAPED and mind raped.
Thank you all for listening. It will take time to recover, but thankfully I was with this creep for just over three months.
DW