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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: My ex-wife, the sociopath (Part 4)

Editor’s note: The following story was sent to Lovefraud by a man whom we’ll call “Anthony.” He believes his ex-wife is a sociopath. This is part 4 of 4. The story refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.

Read: Part 1 – Part 2 – Part 3

Trying to make sense of the insanity:
How could someone behave this way?

At this point I was totally bewildered and completely devastated. Nothing at all made sense to me. I remembered all of the strange events that happened throughout our “relationship,” and I knew that they all tied together somehow, but even the events themselves were so bizarre, that my mind just could not make sense of them. I knew that she was a very sick woman, that’s all.

When I talked to a neighbor a few days after she left, I even told them that there was something very different about this “breakup.” It was nothing like a normal breakup, but it was so much more painful than anything I had ever experienced before. I could not figure out why, so I just thought that it was because I loved her so much. It was not until months later when I began to learn about narcissism, psychopathy, and covert abuse that I learned why I was in such incredible pain. I had been in an abusive relationship for 3 years, and did not even realize it. I was so hooked on her, emotionally addicted, and determined to show her how much I loved her, so that when she left, there was so much more there above and beyond the loss of a relationship, which actually never existed in the first place. It was this addiction and the emotional abuse of the past 3 years that caused the much deeper pain during the breakup. It’s not an easy concept to accept and to truly understand, but it is what happens, and it was the reason for very difficult time that I had at this point.

Trying to make sense of the insanity:
Discovery of Narcissism

It was several months after she left, and I was still clueless to what had happened to me, and still knew nothing about why it happened. I was visiting a friend, and we were talking about this. When I explained to her that I finally got hard evidence that my wife was cheating in her office during the workday, and when I lovingly (well, as lovingly as possible under those circumstances) confronted her, she turned it around on me, called me crazy, and still denied it. My friend’s response was, “She will never admit it. She’s a narcissist!” I remembered that this was the very thing that my attorney said when we talked months earlier, but I dismissed it then, because I had the wrong impression of what a narcissist really is.

I thought I knew what a narcissist was, but when I began to really read about it, I was shocked to find that it explained much of what I had experienced. I thought I had finally found it! I learned about the defense mechanisms like projection, then understood exactly why she accused me of the very things that I suspected she might be doing, and I learned that she actually told me many things about her own thoughts and actions when she accused me of these things. So much about my strange experience suddenly wasn’t totally strange! I went from total confusion, to a point where things actually began to make sense. What an incredible day that was for me. I cannot begin to explain how it felt to finally be able to make sense of the hell that I had experienced in this, and to start to resolve the cognitive dissonance that I had been carrying around for years.

Although much of this disorder fit my wife’s behavior, there were some things about Narcissism that did not fit her at all. This is sometimes normal because these disorders are not black and white, all or nothing, but the traits fall on a continuum. Some are more pronounced in some people, and not in others. Actually, there is a grouping of disorders that are similar, called cluster b disorders, including Anti Social Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Histrionic Personality Disorder. This is the official grouping by the American Psychological Association. These disorders share similar traits, and the disordered share similar coping mechanisms.

I had heard about this cluster in the past, but like most people, knew little about it. While much of my problem was explained through narcissism, there were some basic things about narcissism that did not fit my wife at all. Mostly, narcissists are totally focused on their image, so they want the very best of anything that will make them look good. This could be cars, houses, clothes, or other things. They often brag about accomplishment and\or events that never really existed, or about credentials that they do not actually have. They want to be seen with powerful and successful people to make them look good. None of this fit my wife. She drove an old van, and while she was very attractive and spent money on her hair and nails at times, she did not put much importance on having nice new clothes, or the best of anything, really. I had trouble with this, because it showed that she may not actually be a narcissist, or at least not to such a degree, but still, most of the strange events were clearly explained by this disorder, including the bizarre projections, the covert abuse, the mind games, and relationship phases of idealization, devaluing, and finally discarding. Narcissists are also known for coldly smearing their victim’s names and reputations in the end, in an attempt to shift the focus and blame off of themselves.

Trying to make sense of the insanity:
Discovery of Psychopathy

So while I studied Narcissism, and was learning a great deal about what happened to me, I came across the website Lovefraud.com. This site was created by Donna Andersen, who was victimized by a man that she believes is a sociopath. As I read the stories, so much of them mirrored my own story, and the traits of a sociopath matched my wife’s perfectly. Sociopaths are also known as psychopaths, and the disorder is in the cluster b disorders, but now the APA calls them Anti-Social Personality Disorder. They are clustered together with NPD (narcissistic Personality Disorder). They are all closely related, and as far as I’m concerned (and so many others who have been victimized and nearly destroyed by these sick predators), it’s pure evil.

Now I finally knew exactly what happened to me. I began to learn why it happened to me, also. These people target their victims because of weaknesses that they quickly find in the potential target. They have spent their entire lives putting on facades and preying upon others, so they become very skilled at manipulation, and at quickly evaluating a potential target, to determine where their weaknesses are. They then exploit those weaknesses as they put on whatever facade is needed to gain whatever they seek from the victim. They are masters of this game, because they have had to be in order to survive, and because they have perfected this game over their entire lifetime.

I began reading everything that I could find on the subject, and before it was over, I probably owned and read a dozen of the top rated books about psychopathy, by authors like Dr. Robert Hare, Harvey Cleckly, Sandra Brown, and Thomas Sheridan. In addition, I found some excellent websites, and probably spent hundreds of hours studying over the 18 months that I spent learning about this disorder. It was such a liberating thing to gain understanding after being in a total fog for so long. I finally knew, I clearly understood, and I have learned things that are truly priceless. Yes, I was pretty beat up, and yes, I went through absolute hell, but I finally see it. I will never have to go back to that ugly place again. I know what they are, I know how they operate, and I know how many of them are actually out there, everywhere. I’m no longer easy prey, and I hope to educate as many others as possible about this. The only way to fight this is to shine the light of truth on it, and expose it.

Understanding the Bizarre Behaviors:
Projection

Projection is a defense mechanism that is used by the disordered to give relief on a sub conscience level for bad feelings that are the result of their own thoughts and actions. To relieve themselves of those bad or uncomfortable feelings, they project their own defects onto others. The result is that they blame others for exactly what they themselves are thinking and doing. Being on the receiving end of these projections is truly a bizarre thing to experience.

I’m still a little unclear about this, because the disordered person has no conscience or empathy at all. They do not care at all about others. How then do they feel uncomfortable feelings about what they are thinking and doing? I am not sure, but I know that I experienced this with my disordered person on probably 5 or 6 different occasions. These occasions were times when we were having emotional discussions about our relationship, she was therefore under stress, and she would accuse me of things that I felt that she must actually be thinking or may have done herself. I had good reason to think that she may be thinking or feeling these things, yet she accused me of those very things, and completely without merit. It was baffling to me.

I saw her complete lack of empathy, and her actions clearly showed that she did not care about how her behavior would crush me. She actually enjoyed getting over on me, and doing what she was behind my back. Why then would she need to use projection in those moments when discussions were heating up about things between us not being “right?” I do not understand this, but there is no doubt that, when we were arguing about the things that I felt were very wrong with our “relationship,” and she was under stress, she projected onto me on many occasions. Not understanding what was happening, but definitely understanding that something very odd was taking place, I could only make mental notes, and try to make sense of something so bizarre.

One of the first times that I can remember that projection was used by my wife was when we were having a heated discussion about her daughter and how I thought that our family was out of order, and she said something like, “you never loved me. I think you wanted to love me, but you don’t know how.” And she also said, “You only married me to prove something to your ex-wife,” and “This whole marriage is a lie.”

I remember stopping and trying to figure how something like this could come out of her mouth when I constantly made every effort to show her how much she meant to me. I deeply loved her, and I made a conscience effort to show her, almost on a daily basis. I knew that her accusations were completely base-less, and even absurd considering how I treated her. I knew that there was something significant about these exchanges, but I just could not make sense of them. I figured that she must have been thinking and feeling these exact things, but was completely puzzled as to what was really happening. If she were thinking and feeling these things, why in the world would she accuse me of them? It just made no sense!

These exchanges were the oddest things for me. I am a very logical person, with a background in computer science, so I tried to make sense of this, but from a logical point of view. Not having a clue about what I was dealing with, I just could not understand what was happening. The truth is, this disorder and everything about it, is anything but logical. It is completely illogical, and we are dealing with people who are actually insane. They are not out of touch with reality (a psychotic), but they absolutely are insane. You can never figure out what is happening while you are trying to figure it out from a normal person’s perspective. Not until you understand that you are actually dealing with insanity, will you even begin to get your mind around what is happening. It is truly bizarre.

Understanding the Bizarre Behaviors:
Duping Delight

This was one of the most hurtful aspects of my “relationship” with this sick woman, and until a few months ago, I had not yet learned of the term to describe it. I suspected throughout our “relationship” that I knew what was happening, and as time went on, more cracks in her pot became visible, and I began to slowly put it all together. I became more and more convinced that things were not at all as they seemed. If that was not enough to deal with, there were many times that I felt that she was actually covertly rubbing it in my face that she was getting over on me, carrying on an illicit and disgusting sexual affair, and I was clueless (or at least she thought that I was). These instances clearly demonstrate how these people think, how they view life as nothing more than a game, and how they enjoy destroying others in their quest for dominance, power, and control. These instances are clear proof to me that what I was dealing with was a very sick and a very evil woman, and it is hard to even get my mind around the fact that this woman is this way. Had I not experienced it for myself, I would probably not believe it. This is a very beautiful woman on the outside, but a rotting soul on the inside.

Duping delight is the term to describe one of the tools used by these sick people, and I believe that this tool alone shows that what we are dealing with is actually pure evil. There is no poor judgment, or bad choices here. When someone is such a cold and sick person to manipulate and deceive someone, then to make a sport of it for their own sense of power, control, and amusement, they clearly demonstrate purely evil behavior. Nothing anybody can say will ever change my mind about this.

One of the first instances of this that I can remember is around several conversations that we had about fitness. She was never an active woman when I knew her, and a typical evening for her was to sit in front of the TV and watch any of her 15 favorite TV shows. She was very close to a couch potato, and I wanted us to be a little healthier. I explained that I wanted to grow old with her, and I framed the discussions as positively as possible, hoping to encourage her to be more active with me. Most of the time, we sat on the couch and watched TV, hardly ever walked around the neighborhood, and only rode our brand new bikes once or twice.

During one of these conversations when I was gently nudging her to do something like take a walk to get us a little exercise, she told me that she got exercise during the day at her office. She said that she closed the door in the middle of the day, and exercised. Now this was towards the end, when I was pretty sure that she was seriously deceiving me, and may be having sex in her office during the day (I had eliminated all other possibilities). I played along, though, laughing at the thought of her doing push-ups in her office, saying something to the effect that I’d love to be a fly on the wall to see something so funny. I thought about what she said, and I could not believe that she’d think that I would believe that she’d close her door and exercise in her office during the work day, when she was a total couch potato for the entire time that I was around her, and all the way back since I met her. It’s just ludicrous that someone would even think that story was even close to plausible.

Just weeks later, I found out, without a shred of doubt, that the exercise that she was getting was mostly from behind as she let her boss use her like a piece of trash. The fact that she was doing it was not enough power and excitement for her, she had to take her sick games to the next level. She had to covertly rub it in my face that she was screwing in her office, and getting away with it, while her loving, faithful, and clueless husband was being made the idiot, or at least she thought so.

One trait of a psychopath is that they are easily bored, and this is a large part of why they are ALL sexually promiscuous: the need for excitement. I think it is also worth pointing out that they carry out their “duping delight” games not only as an exhibit of dominance and control, but also as simple entertainment for themselves. I bet she almost wet her paints when I made the comment about being a fly on the wall while she “got her exercise,” but I know she wasn’t laughing when I exposed her for the cheating, lying, deceitful woman that she is.

Another good example of duping delight happened one evening while we were being couch potatoes, and watching Jeopardy. This episode was about the game of golf. Now to our knowledge, she had never played the game. None of her past (known) boyfriends were golfers, nor were her husbands. Still, as the questions were read, she answered many of them correctly, and with smugness, as she played her game, and toyed with me. She knew all about the game of golf, the swings, the different clubs, when to use them, scoring, and so on. I played along, asking her how she knew all of this, and she just explained it away as luck or something. Again, this was towards the end, so I knew what she was likely doing with me, and figured that she had cheated with at least one man who was a golfer. Low and behold, when I busted her, the married trash that had been doing her in her office for years was, you guessed it, and avid golfer. Gee, what a coincidence. I think not.

These two examples show clearly how very sick and depraved these people really are. It’s not enough to do what they do to innocent, loving, and trusting people. They have to take it up a few notches with their sick and twisted games.

How anybody can say that this is not absolute evil is beyond me. Sam Vaknin (Malignant Self Love) says that narcissist are not evil. Tornados and tigers hurt people, just like narcissists, and they are not evil. They are only doing what tornados and tigers do. It only stands to reason, then, that narcissists, just doing what narcissists do, like tigers or tornados, are not evil either. I guess we could apply this very logic to someone else, lets say, Adolf Hitler. Hitler just did want anyone like Hitler would do. He wasn’t evil, he was just doing what he does. It’s a ridiculous argument.

These people know exactly what they are doing. They know very well that they are destroying families, and innocent lives, but it never bothers them one bit, because they lack the very things that make us human to begin with: empathy and the ability to love. Just because they do not care (it does not bother them in the slightest), does not make what they do any less evil. Furthermore, considering how they ACTUALLY ENJOY what they are doing, which is clearly demonstrated in their “duping delight,” when someone tries to call this anything less than absolute evil, it almost makes me furious!

If this experience has taught me one thing, it is that evil exists in this world, not only in things that are blatantly obvious, like someone flying an airplane into a building full of innocent people, but even more so, in people and places that most would never expect to find it.

Understanding the Bizarre Behaviors:
Idealization, Devaluing, and Discarding

Another common theme with many of the cluster b disordered individuals (NPD, ASPD, HPD, BPD), is that relationships with these people all follow the same progression. There are three phases that make up this relational progression: idealization, devaluing, and discarding.

During the idealization phase, the disordered is treating their partner as if they are the best thing that they have ever known. This is at least partly because they are in the process of hooking the victim. They are very skilled at sizing up a victim, quickly learning what the person wants and needs, and then becoming exactly what is needed to ensure that the victim is hooked. This is important, because it is this bond to the disordered that will ensure that the victim remains once the abuse starts in the next phases of the relationship, the devaluing phase.

Immediately after the victim is hooked, the disordered will begin to devalue the victim. This may be a gradual process, and it will likely begin with little comments at opportune times, when the victim is made to feel less-then in some way, or made to feel not quite good enough. Other ways that the disordered may devalue the victim is through the use of other abusive tools of the trade used by the disordered. These tools include manipulation, projection, gaslighting (making the victim think that they are crazy, and that the problems are because of them), duping delight, dishonesty (lies, some of them for no other reason that it is entertaining to them), subtle put downs, deception, and deceit.

For someone who has not been through this, one might think, “I’d pack my bags as soon as someone began to treat me this way!” I would think that very same thing. What needs to be understood is that these tactics are never overtly used, in blatant, obvious ways. Disordered people are very skilled at this game, so they know how to be very subtle in what they are doing, and they are able to blend enough good in the mix so that the victim usually does not even notice what is happening to them. What ends up happening in the “relationship”, is that the victim begins trying to compensate and correct, to restore the “relationship” to what “it was” in the beginning. The only problem is that, the victim does not yet know that their entire “relationship” was never real to begin with, and therefore can never be “restored” to its original state. Still, the victim begins buying into the lies, and jumping through hoops, trying to appease the disordered in some way. This is all in an effort to resurrect the perfect person and “relationship” that they once had.

The final stage of relationships with the disordered is brought about in one of two cases. The first case is when the victim no longer of any use to the predator, usually because they have either gotten what they wanted, or because whatever they wanted has been all used up. The other case is when the predator is found out, the mask is removed, and the game is up. Either way, the victim is callously discarded like yesterday’s trash. This is a very difficult thing to experience, and it often drives the victim to the point of suicide.

This relational progression took place in my “relationship” in the same way that it did in all of the other cases that I have read about. It is amazing how similar all of our stories are. The details may be different, but the stories are almost identical, and there are hundreds of them, probably many times more, but most are not talked about.

The discarding was the most incredibly painful experience. I honestly thought we loved and cared for each other. When I discovered the hard evidence of what she was doing, and when I still offered mercy, forgiveness, and a chance to make it all right, but instead, got it all turned around on me, more lies and deceit to shift the blame, and coldly discarded, it was emotional pain like nothing I have ever experienced.

It is only by God’s grace that I made it through alive. Had I not had Him, and the key people that He put in my path, I am certain that I would have at least taken my own life, possibly much more. When I hear of any of the very common tragedies in the news today, I understand exactly why these things are taking place. The world is not a nice place, but is full of evil, much of it well hidden in places that one would never suspect, and it is going to continue to get worse. It is this evil that is destroying so much good in the world, and these sick people are a huge part of the problem.

Understanding the Bizarre Behaviors:
The Smear Campaign

When one of these people is either found out, or when they have completely used up the victim, and thus have discarded them, the smear campaign is sure to follow. This is because they must maintain cover for what they are, out of the basic need for survival. In order to do this, blame must be shifted. For the victim, this is like the final nails in their coffin.

Try to imagine going through a “relationship” with one of these sick people, being covertly abused, having been idealized, then slowly devalued for years, and finally discarded like a worthless piece of trash once you prove that this person, whom you genuinely and deeply loved, had been doing something like screwing their boss the entire time. Imagine the depth of pain and confusion that you’d feel at that time (believe me, it is more painful than you can imaging).

Now try to imagine how you would feel, if you were in this state, and you also had to deal with this person, whom you loved and cherished, and whom you thought loved you, begin to spread lies about you to your friends, family, and neighbors, to explain the breakup. These people are ruthless, and they lie as easily as they breathe, so they will not hesitate to do this, because it serves their purpose. That is the only thing that ever matters to them. It is completely devastating to the victim.

God only knows what this woman told people to explain what happened, but I could see that she told them something. I did not understand what was happening until months later, when I learned about psychopathy, and read the many other stories of this very thing happening. Still, I knew that she was spreading these lies, and completely denying the truth. My neighbors would no longer let their daughters have sleep-overs with my daughters at our house, and when we were in mediation for property division, the mediator came back in from her room saying that she’s getting 2 completely different stories about what happened. I did not even ask the mediator what she was being told.

It really doesn’t matter what she had been saying. It’s all a pack of lies from a severely disordered woman. I know that she is going to pay for what she did to me and my children. God is not mocked, and she mocked Him throughout this entire “relationship” and marriage, and throughout the process to end it. I know that I did my part to try to help her, and I deeply and genuinely loved her. I showed unconditional love and mercy, and I know that God was pleased with that. I was so very good to her, but she repaid my good with evil, all the way to the very end. It may be a game to her now, but it won’t be forever. If these people even have a soul, when their number is up, they will be reminded of the lives that they destroyed while they played their games.

 



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69 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: My ex-wife, the sociopath (Part 4)"

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Hi, person with exwife sociopath.

Myself also, ex-wife sociopath. And I even caught her in bed with our older boy, then 12 years of age, 2 days after she was served with the dissolution, and containing the allegation of sexual abuse on the children. Washington State (King County) did back flips to get her off from prosecution. It was like watching acrobats.

But I cant help but notice you typed in a huge volume of write up, when you had no children with her. And it only lasted a few years. it could have been so much worse.

This may sound really harsh, and I don’t mean it to be harsh;
it was a lesson, you may have needed to learn or re-learn.

As for your clueless social worker/counselor, I doubt seriously, she was that clueless. That would be like you as a programmer, not being able to translate decimal to hex.

The lady counselor was NOT clueless, but rather she was (and is)GENDER BIASED. Its common in today’s failing society to find people in profession positions of power to commonly abuse that power along geneder lines. Especially by female professionals.

Bias is the most common form of professionals running a scam. The counselor just could not bring herself to come down on your ex-wife, due to her gender bias. So she did the most common and easiest form of the act of Bias as a professional; She played dumb.

You can file a complaint to the medical licensing board, and note the emotional damages to you this caused. I would. Review everything first. Get copies of the medical records of your counseling before you let this “professional” know you are pursing a complaint.

And think it through and document things, and have some well-adjusted people on your side, read your statment and comment, before submitting to the medical board.

Again if you file such a complaint, follow through, and insist that you be informed of the hearing, and attend it and speak up. Considering bringing an attorney with you to the hearing.

Wow sounds similar to what I’m experiencing with my wife odd behaviour all the matching traits,only thing I don’t have hard evidence is the cheating,I know she is cheating got the gut feeling that won’t let me go,been enduring this abuse for nearly 15 years now…planning my escape its a hard 1 we have 3 lovely girls or I hope they mine??? Anyway pray for me that God will deliver me from this deceptive,manipulative,sociopathic woman…blessings Angelo

Many females can be gender biased as they have this belief that women cannot do things like this to big strong men, (no offense ladies im not claiming any of you on here are like this) Its difficult for a man to come out and admit he was abused first of all, second of all many people will not believe him.

I had a female counselor and thankfully she wasnt biased, actually she is the one that pointed out to me that i was in an abusive relationship with a BPD/NPD woman. The only reason i even went is because the courts ordered me to have a mental health assessment done because of things my ex had said and emails she showed them from me that showed me jumping all over the place with my emotions, well of course i did, when you deal with the disordered its like being on an emotional rollercoaster which causes you to do the same, of course she did not show them any of her emails she sent to me. She had a CPO on me then invited me over all weekend for sex then had me arrested on a violation, then called my best friend crying claiming she never wanted me to go to jail, yet gave the presecutor all these emails i sent her, thus making me look like the crazy one.

My CPO after 2 years now finally drops feb 25th (thank God) I found out later that she started chasing a married man and sleeping with him, then got him to move in with her, then my kids told me they were arguing constantly (same issue i had with her) then when he left her and went back to his wife she called me after keeping me from my kids for 6 months, trying to boo hoo to me on the phone about how he did her dirty LOL,,,i told her “thats what you get for messing with a married man” She then said how he had trust issues with her around other men (again another issue i had with her too) She even called me crying the next day claiming she does not want to be a dishonest person anymore as it causes too much bullshit in her life and wants to air out her dirty laundry and admitted to me she was constantly looking for another boyfriend during the 10 years i was with her and how it was wrong of her to do me like that yet ended it with BUT (here comes the blame game) that i made her miserable the whole time. Once she seen i was not falling for this BS anymore she split me back in the all bad category then tried to screw me in court last month during my visitation rights hearing making up all kinds of crap saying i owe more in CS than i really do, claiming i only made 4 payments last year, court is continued for march, so i got CS to send me a printout of what i owe and how many payments i made last year for proof her and her lawyer lied. She then said its not feasable for her to meet halfway for visitation with kids cause she is too busy with her company (thats a lie she has 4 employees that run most of it) its a 3 hour round trip for me to get my kids, she also has 3 vehichles to my one, and makes way more money and the damn judge ordered me to provide all transportation, then had the nerve to complain about my living environment because my kids sometimes sleep in my bed (they are still young, not freaking teens) even though she lets my daughter sleep with my son all week long cause she is scared and has been since ive been kicked out and lied to the judge when i brought that up claiming it rarely happens and only when she sneaks in his room after mom is asleep.

Everything she has i helped build/pay for/maintain/ including her company, she screwed me out of all of it as we were not married, she got it all plus CS payments from me while moving a married man in to help her more and all the while lies to job n family services to get free assistance in the form of free health care for the kids, free daycare after school, and even started getting food stamps!!!!! She refuses to report other adults pay when they live with her claiming she is a single mom of two, she even did that with me for years even though im the natural father living there and contributing to bills.

Whoever wrote this article, count your blessings you did not have children with this person!!!!! I cant fully escape the carnage because i have to deal with her on some level for the kids.

Now get this, (again no offense laides) while in court last month i was the only male in the courtroom, judge knows my ex has a protection order on me (based on lies of abuse from me when she was the physical one) and still orders me to break the CPO and go to her house for pickup/dropoff,,,my ex does not protest this at all even though she claims she fears for her safety around me, im the one that protested and judge still ordered it. Its a sick ass society that we live in.

Hey Donna,

You must not remember me, i got on your site 2 years ago, remembered my usnername and password the other week.

I didnt mean to sound biased against women, but it is hard as a man to convince people that your wife/girlfriend was physically/mentally/emotionally abusive, especially to police or the courts. My ex i guess is a covert NPD, she seems perfect and likeable and successful to those on the outside looking in and people think she is great, but in the house she is a total monster. She made a lame attempt in dec to get me back after the married guy left her (he probly got tired of her shit lol) but she said it would be like 5 years down the road, and i replied “it will be no years down the road” i told her she got what she deserved and i have no desire to be with someone like her whom i cannot trust and blames me for everything and tears everything apart that i help build. Then she raged out on me again and we have not spoke since. Its hard to have kids with them, i still have feelings for her and dreams about all this and thoughts of having my life back with my kids, but i had no life, she owned it all and tortured me and ill be damned if i go back to that, i just yearn for the life i “thought” i had at the beginning, but dont we all?

Yup i have.

I forgot to mention that during my visitation hearing last month we agreed to both come alone, of course she wound up bringing a lawer who started a mud slinging contest.

I dont see the point in that, its not like this is a custody battle. I have no idea why the judge continued it to march or why she ordered me to pick up/dropp off the kids at the mothers house while she has a CPO on me. I did, and nothing happened, however i brought my court order, a witness, and recorded it on a cell phone. When i get my kids in march the CPO will have expired, however i will still take precaution, i park on the other side of the road from her house, i only get out and stay next to my truck i dont touch her property and i will keep it that way. I have a feeling that once the CPO is expired and court is over with she may try again to rope me into this, she wont right now with all this legal stuff happening, ill tell her no again and again ill be split in the all bad category.

I was married to a sociopath. I felt like i subjected myself to an unknown addiction of a man that I thought loved me but he just existed physically just so i can adore him from far away? its an endless mind games and abuse through out my one year marriage to him and five years that i thought that i known him before we married. Once we exchanged vows, the real demented sociopath came out and I knew I was screwed when i started seeing something unnatural emerge from him. He enjoyed toying with me immensely. I saw it in his eyes. Towards the end of our living together , I discovered he was lacing my prepared dinner meals with poison. Texas police wouldn’t believe me because he’s so charming and convincing.So it was no use telling anyone about his cruel tortures he would do to me constantly. Its over now, Divorced this past June 3rd, and recently found out that my ex sociopath contracted AIDS.Am I sad for him? Obviously not, but so glad that we had no children together. So blessed to be alive .

My Ex wife, the life Destroyer.

She popped up out of nowhere, on my work instant messenger..Hi, i’m your coworkers stepsister, I just moved here from Colorado and i’m just looking for people to hang out with (I would later find out against her brother in laws wishes she used his laptop and messenger). It was at a low point in my life, I was in a deep depression after surviving a road rage shooting 2 years prior, self conscious about the scar on my face and the peg it had knocked me down in life I was elated for a little attention.

She was aggressive and quick, here’s my phone number, here are my pics, send me some of yours, almost seemingly taking control right away, at the end of the conversation we had a date in the very near future.

I pulled up at my co-workers house and she was attractive, not particularly what I go for but I was lonely and this was going to fix that. Our 1st date was a movie date, we saw a chick flick and she got all mushy, drove back to where she was staying and parked in the driveway and talked for a few hours. I provided her entire arsenal in that time. Talked about my early life, child abuse from my step-mother, me being a by product of my dads affair, my father dying young, my hopes and dreams of having a family and not treating it like my dad did, my vulnerability since almost being killed and admitting the most important quality I seek in a woman is loyalty. That was 9 years ago and I only realized this week that the game started that night. She told me of her dedication to loyalty after her ex cheated numerous times getting another girl pregnant, how much her dad dying affected her, her dad died the same day I was shot (I later verified it was a day before) and how we both lost something that night that it must have connected us. I felt that I had never connected with a girl like this before, she sealed the deal when I went in for a hug at the end of the night and she went in aggressively and kissed me. This did set off red flags but hey..I wasn’t lonely.

She turned up the intensity instantly, the charm, compliments, our next date was a dinner date and she wrote our names in a heart on the disposable table cloth, tore it off and put it in her purse before we left. I was smitten..I had never felt pursuit like that from a girl and assumed this is what it’s like when you find the one who really wants you. We went back to her place and started making out until she got really aggressive. I liked her but still had my wits…this is my co-workers family, I need to take it slow in case this doesn’t work out and I make things awkward at the office. I could see what was supposed to be disappointment but something behind her big green eyes told me this was masked anger…still I ignored, even the comment that 6 weeks is the longest I can go without sex.

She came on even stronger after that, pushing to see me daily, calls every work break. I lied to her a few times about where I was or my plans to slow things down but she kept pushing. We had sex soon after and she began calling me her boyfriend, I didn’t mind..I kinda liked it. I then decided it was time for her to meet my friends so I took her to my favorite watering hole, she was the life of the party. I noticed later that it seemed she got every phone number of everyone she was introduced to and had made a “dancing date” with one of my friends. Weird I thought but I trusted the friend and assumed that was her nature. Things are still going well for another few weeks and my 28th bday was approaching (She was 23 at the time). About a week before everything changed, her tone, her mood. She would call me on break and was all of a sudden going to lunch often with a colleague. Then the night before my bday she blows off plans we made last minute to hang with work friends, our 1st fight. I relished how can you say you care about me and do this hours before my bday, I was told i’m acting soft and today is really my bday and she will be there then. We did go out that night, she bought a cake, a nice gift, drinks all night, I could take her back home and do whatever I wanted after, she had redeemed herself..or so I thought. This was the beginning of some mind bending I do not know if I will ever recover from. She became distant and irritable again soon after, all of a sudden I found myself pushing for us to go on dates and it was excuses or other plans, when I did get her to go out she texted all night like I wasn’t there.

I became irritated after that and attempted to break things off, she cried, she misses her dad so much, I felt sorry, I caved, we were back on. I was still leery however and attempted to slow things back down and limit our time together…I did this once again by lying one night of my whereabouts but low and behold she is texting me that she knows where I am and she’s through because i’m a liar. I felt like I REALLY messed up. I apologized I promised it would never happen again, I generally wasn’t a liar and thought I was sparing her feelings instead of saying I need some space, now I owed her something. I inquired how she knew where I was (Same bar from my bday) and she suggested a couple we hung out with a part of the night was there and texted her if she’s coming down too. I later found out it was the bouncer at the bar who I mentioned to her i’ve had friction with in the past over the handling of one of my friends.

So now we are close to Christmas, she was to be my guest at my office xmas party and shortly after we were to attend a concert that she wanted to go to so that was my gift to her.

I made a huge deal about the party in the week before, bought us both new clothes head to toe, talked about it a lot. I don’t know why I guess I just wanted something to look forward to, even spent extra to get us a room at the fancy hotel it was being held at. She played along, picked clothes that made me look nice etc. The day of, everything changed..she was no longer driving with me and would just tag along with her sister and brother in law, not a big deal, I got there waited a bit for her party to show up, cold as we went to the room to leave our bag, cold as we walked to the banquet hall, cold as we sat at the table. So cold my boss at the time asked who is she to me?

I decided I would still try to have fun, they had gambling games for prizes so I sat at the poker table and immediately dominated to the point there was a mini crowd, everyone cheered and had kind words but her, soon she was gone, dancing with a employee who was helping setup the DJ booth then entertained my coworkers for the rest of the dinner and dancing, after the party it was decided that all the cool kids were going to the hotel bar to keep the party going. As I come back from smoking a cigarette I see her walking arm in arm with my bosses boss who I stated to her how much I despised, the look she gave me I only understand now was to enjoy seeing my reaction. We got to the bar and she was the life of the party, I felt invisible in the group suddenly, I left, went to the room, came back and no one noticed I left, I knew she was doing this to mess with me but I couldn’t justify why, This was after knowing her 2 months and I was already asking myself am I just jelous? Does everyone just see i’m kind of in a funk and are just avoiding me? We round the night out and it’s her and I walking to the room, no words said. We enter, and she laments what’s my problem, my attitude isn’t making her feel sexy…I exploded, she calmly grabs her bag and leaves and I begin following because she ruined my night and she was going to hear what I had to say. She doesn’t bat an eye, she calls MY friends to come pick her up. I left the hotel that night, waste of $300.

We talk later the next day, i’m too sensitive, I should be happy she making friends with the people I know (Later on “Don’t blame me because YOUR friends like me better”), she was just buttering up the bosses boss for me. I don’t buy it. The next night, I go out and on the way home hit a small dog, he didn’t make it and my bumper/radiator destroyed, all my disposable income spent on Christmas and the party. I tell her what happened and that I think I will need to resell the concert tickets to repair my vehicle, she says well you can’t because I have them. I open my drawer and they surely aren’t there, I am welcomed to be her guest or she will take someone else. I am beyond furious but say what the hell, I did buy it for her and can’t be an Indian giver but the red flag is noted. I am not excited about the relationship anymore but want to get through New Years just to see if this is maybe a Holiday rough patch as she laid it on thick beforehand how hard the holidays are going to be without her dad.

We go and we have an OK time, she takes lots of pics, none of us, kinda minimal affection, we come home, have mediocre sex, she then blew me off Christmas day completely after telling my sister who travelled up how excited she was to meet her and simply told me her feelings had changed the day after. I got angry, called her a few names and told her keep the sweatpants and tshirts she has as she is pushing to drop them off right at the moment (see my anger in person, push more buttons). I get my car fixed, have a mini fling with another previous ex to keep my self esteem up and am actually feeling a little better than I was before I met the Demon. Then I get a call from one of my bar friends, LOL, we saw your girl last night..with the bouncer, on a date, for his birthday. I was shocked, I never saw them speak…I get down, try to put it out of my head then about 2 days later I get a call, “Hey, it’s me”. She’s not sure if the bouncer is what she wants, she has deep feelings for me that scared her off, honey, honey strawberries, chocolate, sugar. This is mid Feb, right before Valentine’s day. I say i’m open to talking but make a decision, we talk after that, I don’t hear from her Valentines day then I her from her the next. Oh they went out of town for the day..I end it as i’m no number 2.

Living life again and it’s now a month later, after her birthday. She calls, she wishes I had just given her a little more time. It’s over with the bouncer, i’m all she wants, I refuse, the persistence is mesmerizing, the begging. No one has ever wanted me this bad before and I wanted that. After a few days I agree to meet her, she comes to my office, we talk. Before I know it the office door is closed and i’m crouching to hide from the camera. We leave and go back to my place to finish up, I can’t perform…you stink of other men and I kick her out. She doesn’t stop, I cave. I’m showered with sex and praise for a few weeks then one day I leave my phone at her by accident. Why have you been texting your ex (The one I had a fling with, text were very innocent). She called me ex while I was at work, they had an all out fight, I rationalize I didn’t get to confront the bouncer like this, “Well I don’t know how to contact him anymore (She did), and that was then, this is now (1 month since she “supposedly” was last with him). She leaves, I phone a friend, he says well if you’re giving this a real shot it’s wrong to talk to the ex. I apologize, i’m guilt tripped, we need to be more than what we are, I agree we can work on it. Love bombed for a few more weeks. One night i’m at the bar (Bouncer hadn’t worked there since xmas) and she tells me come to her job at the hotel for a little action, i’m game. I get there and we start then i’m stopped, “You smell like and ashtray and are super drunk” The bouncer always smelled better than you do. I was at the bar for an hour and a half and always smoked. Our clothes are back on and we are in the hallway fighting. I go to leave and I never thought about it until this week how my car key got out of my pants pocket and stayed in the room. No you’re drunk. I’m keeping your keys, she tells her co-worker to call the police. They smell alcohol on my breath and say I can wait for her to finish work or call a cab. I opt for the latter. She shows up to get her stuff after with police. I’ve drank a lot more and gone into a rage at that point, all her belongings at my place are in a blaze in the back yard. The police ask me to put the fire out and she leaves..how dare she cheats on me, comes back then calls police on me. I go on a bender and the next night i’m the the ICU after flipping my car and being thrown out (obv I have bad decision making skills, by product of childhood physical and mental abuse). She shows up in recovery, I start balling, she starts balling. I did all the work for her..she’s in. At the hospital daily, updating and saving the numbers for my closest contacts, giving updates. Her job told her it’s come into work and me (They were firing her, she knew it…prob for causing drama). I had a saviour at my lowest point, dislocated hip, broken ribs, lacerations to my back and face and kinda skinned my elbow to the bone and she was there for me after our drama. It didn’t matter who’s fault it was at that point.

8 years, one autistic son, many police calls, i’ve been arrested and convicted twice while I had bruises and nothing happened to her, Almost deported (Green card, Caribbean National), paying for all my legal costs while paying most of the bills, building her credit, helping her move up the work ladder and far from perfect but providing the best life I could for the family, she emotionally abandoned me when my paternal grandmother died, going as far as to say I hope she died knowing we lived in sin (We had our child before marriage) 2 days after, in retaliation for a mean comment I made about her dad 4 years earlier when she used it as a scapegoat nonstop. She filed for divorce a month after and had be banished from the house. Begged me for one more chance, said I took too long to decide when I did come back, went to Vegas for her birthday and came back with a new tattoo and commitment.

A month later she gets a promotion. She gloats that she now makes more than me then goes and buys basically a newer model of my SUV without any consultation. It’s at that moment I realize that under the crushing credit card debt and all the sacrifice, the moment she made it she took care of herself immediately and made sure to belittle me in many multiple ways.

I ask for a divorce, I admit to cheating numerous times (Only way to keep my sanity) she puts on the biggest act of all times down to throwing up on the balcony, pledges years of unwavering loyalty after her indiscretion with the bouncer. I admitted to this thinking I am dealing with a human that would be turned off by such a thing. We have the best sex in years the night after but I push to proceed with the divorce. She is pissed..filing was a way to get control back when I was seeing there was nothing there and it was backfiring. She went on the warpath, tried to say I would be a danger to my son, i’m a flight risk, danger…we go back and forth and hash out a regular every other weekend and child support deal..she takes more of the stuff, I take all the credit debt..mine for MY arrest right..seems fair.

2 months post divorce, I want you back…i’m hurt and trying to heal. She turns it up..i’m jaded, I think I see the truth and believe you will never change. I stay vigilant in my message, show me you will help me and we can talk..she gives me $100 sometime in the near future and I say this does nothing to clear my record and name. It’s back and forth for a year and a half, she gave me leeway on child support, I don’t have to cover health insurance premium and a little was shaved off the payment, she’s helping me out..helping herself with leverage. She starts a barrage of fake online accounts to keep me off dating sites, threatens more court action. The sex is the best it’s been in my life. Lingerie every encounter. I tell her this means nothing but sex and I come in, do my business and leave. The promises don’t stop.

She gets another promotion and i’m the 1st one she calls. I can help get your life all cleaned up if you give me a chance. I say you have the chance..I need to let her in emotionally. I decline but I am scared to go out and date. The online harassment and threats..I was still mind controlled and didn’t know it.

A year and a half post divorce she figures it out, the good old strategy..even though I told you I wasn’t dating I was and i’m about to introduce him to our son and the sex has to stop. I thought I was cool and the next 4 days were hell. I call..if we can give it another shot are you in? She’s hesitant now after pleading to tears 3 weeks earlier. It’s a discussion…it’s mulling. Ok we can try…I am not thrilled. Love bombed until my 8th shitty bday in a row why it’s my fault she had to get upset. I am half invested at this point and going through the motions just watching..

I don’t know if I became boring or if she became sloppy because the next 5 months was just a slop of lie after lie until I could finally find the evidence I needed once and for all.

She refused and refused but could hear the tone in my voice..she knew the control had was slipping. She asked what can I do to fix this…I asked for the truth. I now understand that they weren’t the truth, half truths, some stories mixed in but she told me the truth.

-If I showed you who I really was you would have never had me.
-I do “love” you but not like you do. It’s just like I don’t want to give you up.
-You are just so much of a burden and always investigating, just let me live my life.

She admitted to sleeping with the bouncer one time she claims but after the “confessional” it was all clear. She had been screwing the bouncer all along, her ex bosses, guest at her hotel.
She says more “truth” than she has in the 9 years i’ve known her, monotone, no emotion. Then says it’s my decision if I want to come back or not. That was Monday.

The smear campaign just started. I’m staying strong. Wish me the best!

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