Editor’s note: Joyce M. Short is the author of a soon to be released book, “Carnal Abusive Deceit When a Predator’s Lies Become Rape.” The book chronicles her life with a predator, the subsequent aftermath and her road to recovery. It also provides advice for victims and their supporters, and discusses the issues surrounding criminalization of rape-by-fraud. Joyce lives in New York City, where she’s a real estate broker, professional tennis instructor and a strong advocate for her community.
A Predator’s “Mark” Often Struggles to Overcome Rape-by-Fraud or Emotional Rape
By Joyce M. Short
I was hoodwinked by a charlatan. It was not until I found the appropriate terms to express what I’d experienced that I actually began to feel relief. He lied about everything ”¦ his age, his education, his marital status, military service and more. The man who seduced me, who I came to adore, was nothing but a charade.
Once I learned of his treachery, it took years to mend. It was complicated by the fact that we had a child together. As I struggled through his physical and financial abandonment, depression and the sense of defilement that resulted from his wrongdoing, I finally determined to write a book about it. Doing so enabled me to put the facts and his behavior into context. Beforehand, they were jarring memories loosely floating through my consciousness and disturbing my peace. While purposeless rumination and a sense of deprivation were eating me alive, he skipped along on his way to an affluent, secure life. My determination to write the book renewed my sense of power, which had been stripped away by his debasing actions.
Writing my story
Writing is a process, and writing about one’s painful past is fraught with starts, stops and detours. Facing the most painful memories can erode one’s spirit as we relive the actions that caused us so much grief. As I continued writing, I attempted to convey how “raped” I felt at his hands. I coined what I thought was my own invention for describing his impact, “emotionally raped.” I decided to take a look on the Internet and see if it was a term that was in common usage.
Before I completed typing all the letters, the words, “emotional rape” sprang up, denoting that the term actually existed in techno space. Before me lay several options to chose from. I was overwhelmed. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I had to take a few minutes to collect myself before I could continue. Just the validation alone that what I felt was an actual, identifiable occurrence that someone, somewhere in the universe knew about was mind blowing.
Rape-by-fraud
I’ve continued researching and writing since then. Today I understand that when someone pretends to be a person they are not in order to induce you to have sex with them, they are committing the crime of rape-by-fraud. When they deceive you about their character in order to cause you to feel a loving bond with them, they are committing emotional rape. They are defrauding you of your highest emotion, which is love.
Unfortunately, the crime of rape-by-fraud is only punishable in a number of states: California, Massachusetts and Tennessee. Emotional rape is not punishable anywhere.
If you felt raped at the hands of a predator who lied to you, but were not physically overcome, now you know why. Rape by duping someone is as much a means to circumvent your opposition as doping would be. Doping a victim to engage in sex is widely known as “date rape” and punishable by law. The act of sex does not have to hurt you physically in order to hurt you emotionally. The trauma and confusion to victims increases with the length of time that sex with the imposter continues.
Just as doctors can’t prescribe cures until the illness is known, victims of rape-by-fraud and emotional rape have a difficult time recovering from something they don’t recognize or understand. Once a person knows what they are dealing with, they can take the necessary steps to heal themselves.
Indeed, you are fortunate that you discovered the evil in this man fairly early on. It’s amazing how “sucked in” we can become and how quickly we get there! The manipulation of a predator knows no bounds!
Wishing you a speedy recovery!
Joyce
HI Joyce,
Thanks for the comments. I have read a lot about sociopathy — was married to one 19 yrs and went through a gruelling divorce for 3. I am so angry at myself for still being victimized. I thought I learned, but not even close!
DW
One of the issues in detaching from predatory behavior is that there is no closure. There will never be a reasoned consideration from this man. People who are disordered don’t really know they are, they simply see life through a different prism…. one that is not affected by empathy. Since they can’t emotionally put themselves in the shoes of the person they are harming, they have no remorse and no conscience.
They rarely seek help…. they don’t think they need it, after all, they’re not suffering their harm, their victims are.
You are very correct that they have an immature sense of moral reasoning. You may feel some closure by reading the books of Drs. Robert Hare and Lianne Leedom. It’s a great deal easier to put “it” behind you when you know what “it” is!
Also, the more you know, the better equipped you’ll be to spot a predator in the future.
All the best!
Joyce
Joyce, you said: “One of the issues in detaching from predatory behavior is that there is no closure. There will never be a reasoned consideration from this man.”
I just spoke to a friend about that very thing. Wow. Exactly. To just know his story would probably make me very disgusted and I could much more easily put this behind me, but there is nc w/him nor would I believe him anyway, and I don’t know anyone who I could ask.
Everything you said is so meaningful and rich and makes such good sense. Thank you.
Dancing Warrior, agree wholeheartedlhy w/Joyce’s comment and also wish you speedy healing. As she said, their manipulation knows no bounds. I cannot make sense out of the evil and immense drive to hurt others while pretending to care about them so much. IMO, they are the living definition of madness. I realize these are deficient, sick individuals w/organic and/or environmental disease, but many know right from wrong even if they don’t “feel” it. They choose to do what they do and get their jollies from it. It’s chilling to know those like your ex, the path in my life, Joyce’s and all the rest exist and in large quantity.
I’m so glad that you listened to your gut and got away from the path. Don’t look back and try not to feel guilty or defiled for having sex w/him that one last time. There are many reasons why a healthy person would do that. For *your* own good, you have to keep your distance now.
Peace and comfort to you!
Still,
I have so much anger. I will file a small claims suit just to expose him. The deeper anger and hurt is in his violation of my body. That one I have a really hard time with. I don’t care about the car…but to have allowed a sleezy nasty worm to touch me and, worse — possibly infect me with something makes me worried sick.
DW
Hi there Dancing Warrior.
I just wanted to say thanks for posting your story, but sorry you had to go through this again.
I have a similar cautionary tale. I hope you find some comfort in knowing that being caught out again is pretty common and so you should not feel bad about it.
I got caught out again, but I don’t feel guilty. Here’s why:
Spath 2 was a starving artist type. Friend of a friend. Not from the UK and new to London where I live. I have travelled abroad a lot and know that it means a lot if you can have a safe space for a week or two until you get set up. I said “sure- stay for a couple of weeks”.
Like you I was actually enjoying the company. He was charming, good artist, nice looking, funny, interesting etc. I had a tough year before, experienced some losses ”“ so this company and attention felt really good at first.
He instantly targeted me ”“ he was all over me ”“ the Lovebombing phase. Because of LF noticed it straight away and was on the look-out for other Red Flags.
Soon Red Flags started popping up all over the place:
-He repaid small loans for food, cigarettes. Quickly followed by requests for bigger loans.
-He had a hard luck story for everything. Nothing had ever been his fault. Apparently he was the unluckiest guy in the world. Everyone has tried to rip him off or let him down, including his own family.
-He told me in all seriousness that he was on a par with Dali, Van Gogh or Picasso as an artist (Narcissistic much lol).
-I quietly checked out his story that he’d visited a well-known art agent. He had asked me for a loan on the basis that this agent had offered to buy work and he would be able to pay me back. It was bullsh*t. He’d gone to the agency sure, but they’re refused to meet with him.
Throughout this period he couldn’t have been nicer or more charming to me. We’d had a brief sexual ’fling’ (why not) and he tried to ensnare me by being so over sexual. Apparently he could not get enough of me. It began to feel oppressive and claustrophic.
Although he was nice to me ”“ I had witnessed him seriously verbally abuse his mother until she was shaking and completely distraught. I heard his threats to hurt a certain neighbour that he’d fallen out with. I noticed he had a nasty, spiteful temper at times.
So then ”“ this is where it gets interesting. I knew what I was dealing with and I tried to end it ’nicely’. BIG MISTAKE.
I gave him £100 ”“ booked him a hostel for a week and gave him the old “it’s not you it’s me speech”.
This is when he really got rolling on the abuse.
-I was a bitch, whore, didn’t understand his genius and unique talent.
-He told me he was ill, he would be homeless ”“ it would all be my fault.
-He told me he would kill himself or kill someone else if I didn’t give him a place to stay ”“ he couldn’t stand being homeless.
-All practical suggestions like erm ”“ look for a job, look for a room, approach the government for a temp place to stay (he was from EU and so had benefit rights) were met with screaming abuse.
-He made such a scene- screaming and shouting outside the property so that I would let him in. The neighbours were all complaining. He would get in and then the abuse would continue for me to let him stay or pay for things for him. I gave in at first whilst I figured out my options. I was embarrassed that ’I had caused this problem for my neighbours’. I was embarrassed that I’d been caught out by another one.
-I had confessed certain things that I was ashamed of in my past. He blackmailed me that he would tell family/friends/work these things. This made me hesitate to go to the police at first. I knew calling the police would either work ”“ or it would seriously escalate the abuse.
-Then I starting reporting the abuse to the police. They warned him off. It didn’t work ”“ he still kept coming round screaming and shouting. If I let him in he would calm down for 24 hours and then it would start again.
-There was strangulation of me, deliberate sleep deprivation – I was determined to get him out but I was starting to suffer trauma and depression.I felt I had created the problem by letting him in ”“ I wanted to sort it out through me being the one to get rid of him. My work began to suffer ”“ I began to lose it. I began to fantasise about killing him myself and wondered if I was the sociopath of the two of us.
Anyway – eventually with threat of police prosecution he has stayed away for 8 months now.
And no ”“ I’m not a sociopath – I’m a pretty relaxed fun loving person.
Dancing Warrior”“ we shouldn’t feel bad. All the way through I was on the look out, I saw the signs, I even acted on them. Maybe not soon enough but I did act. My intuition told me that acting on the signs might just make things worse. Actually it DID increase the severity of the abuse. This sociopath was even more dangerous because he was unmasked. That’s not to say it wasn’t right to get rid of the sociopath or that LF gave me bad advice – It was just much, much harder to dget rid of him than I had anticipated.
This is what I learned: Even if you know what you’re dealing with early on- the sociopathic predator is seriously prepared to go to places that we don’t want to have to go. They therefore force us into extreme behaviour to protect ourself when we get the point of ’challenging them’.
Next time I will try to get out at the Lovebombing phase ”“ maybe I’ll manage it next time. Maybe I won’t manage it on my own.
I clearly should have called the police much sooner and not try to play the effin’ heroine going it alone like a bad-ass. I really think my being too strong and too self-reliant made me a total target in a bizarre way. I had seen off one sociopath and I wasn’t going to let this little weasel get away with his abuse. BIG MISTAKE ”“ I got too hooked into the drama.
In the end the police response was excellent ”“ but it took a while to really get put into place. In the interim the abuse became really dangerous, even life-threatening because I tried to manage the risk myself . It was the first time I’ve asked an outside agency to help me solve a problem in my life and it took me a while to answer the clue phone of how dangerous this could become.
Going NC and just calling police everytime he attempted contact would have been the best way to go. But I don’t feel bad about it – I think I was brave and tough ”“ but that I’m lucky I didn’t get hurt.
Dancing Warrior and all – I bet you were really more brave and strong than you realise, even if you did make a few mistakes along the way.
Blessings LFers 😉
Oh. My. God. Delta1. I can just see it all unfold as you told me your story, and thank you very much. It is a comfort for sure. At each red flag, at each turn, I knew I had to RUN. FAST! And like a deer in the headlights I just stood there mesmerized.
I poked around the interned to see what else he lied to me about. I am positive he is married and lied that he lives with his uncle. I found an article of an ARREST for 3rd DEGREE LARCENY for taking a woman’s van without her permission, in 2011. Just what he did with me!
You know what I do now? I am paranoid that he’ll break in while I’m sleeping. My house is not very burglarproof as I have windows on ground floor, and a side door with a window. But I do useless things, like lock the entry door from the garage, or the door leading to the basement, or my bedroom door. Once he inquired if I liked sexual role play. Uhhumm I asked, whaddayamean? He goes, what if he pretended to be a burglar breaking in! So, the idea of domination or coercion or a woman’s fear, is exciting to him.
I went to the police again this week. The report had gotten miraculously erased when my car was driven off his shop lot and involved in a police incident. I insisted that they put the report back in. I gave a written statement about how he swindled me for my car. I am now going to file a small claims law suit against him and also a complaint with the dept. of motor vehicle. But I’ll do them in the same letter as he has to get formally served the law suit so he can’t pretend he didn’t get it and not show to court. Thus I won’t alert him beforehand.
He’s told me how much he loves fast cars. He is a pro car thief. When I bought the new car, he said “your key has a chip so if someone breaks in they can’t start the car without the car recognizing that chip.” Duh! What was I thinking. When I locked myself out of the house, he was going to help me so firemen wouldn’t come because “they’d only break a window.” I asked him what he’d do? He said he’d jimmy the lock! DuhH!! What was I thinking? He also loves crazy fast cars. I asked him but where would you drive something like that. He says on this big highway. But there are always cops there. He says, “The cop can’t catch up to me I’m too fast” — I forget which fast car this was — Corvette? –“I get off the next exit and just hide somewhere till they pass.” D-UH! Again, what was I thinking?
Yes he knows right and wrong, but he blatantly shamelessly feels entitled to do as he wants and flaunts the law.
Thank you Delta.
DW
Hi Delta1,
If you are reading, I wanted to tell you that I just learned that he has a criminal record, has a court date on 5/28, and is on a 2-yr probation currently for “trover 2nd degree” which is taking a car w/o permission. I just don’t know HOW to use what he did against him as the process of dealing with police is very confusing and they were so not helpful when I went to report what happened. Thankfully I made a statement this week, and can go back with more info on his arrest from a different town police and let them know he is doing the same thing again with me. I will try to contact the state probation office and ask their guidance too. Imagine that I jokingly asked him after my car was involved in a police incident while in his possession, “Have you ever been arrested? have you ever been in jail” I was totally kidding, and he poker faced genuinely told me, “NO” like he was horrified at the idea. The irony??!! He was convicted for 1 year jail but sentence is postponed and he’s on PROBATION. In a week or so he’s in court re. driving illegally on suspension, texting, and driving too fast.
I let a CONVICT in my home.
DW
Hey DW – i hope you are okay. I see from the new information that you are are dealing with ‘a very bad man’. For ur own peace, is there any way you can move to somewhere you feel safer? If not maybe put extra security in your bedroom i.e bolts on the door so you can sleep safe?
He’s was probably telling you the burglar stuff deliberately to intimidate you …….that’s a classic spath move. A**clowns – the lot of them!
Hi Delta,
This person has broken the law many times, has many arrests and convictions. I can’t believe this — how innocent he seemed, put on the act that he likes to help people, “give money to the poor.” He’s been sentenced to 10 yrs prison, but not sure how the sentence was postponed or something so instead he just was on probation. Years ago — identity theft, larceny, mostly stealing cars all over the place, and that last one was 2nd degree trover, which is a misdemeanor for taking a car w/o permission. AND he was arrested the DAY after he talked to me on the phone for fast driving, talking on phone, and illegal operating motor vehicle on suspension. I guess HIS license is suspended?
I told the police that he is on probation for the same thing he did to me, can’t they prosecute or arrest him, they said no. The cop I talked to looks like he is twelve and this man could eat him for breakfast. He was going to “talk” to him today… I feel so helpless as the cops can’t do A THING to him and he knows it and is laughing!
Have you ever had these nut jobs tell you things about other people that are in fact true about THEM? He used to tell me that someone stole HIS identity years ago, when I find out he was sentenced for this. He said he hoped his former employee would go to jail for taking my car off his lot — when in fact as I sat across from him, HE was on probation from going to jail!!
I am still reeling from the shock of all this actually being true, Delta1.
What do I do now — dumb question — if I could be so stupid to bring this champion into my home, how do I protect myself from myself?! I say, and know, and think you have to get to know someone well, and their family, friends etc. before you trust them. Okay. BUT. Look what just happened to me.
My Achilles’ heel was my loneliness. I guess I have to fix that, on my own, find a support group, make friends, enjoy my own solitude for a while and that was not be so so so needy and desperate at the first man’s attentions and affections. I was SUCH a sucker!
Thanks for your note… I don’t feel unsafe plus my kid is back home and the house is not empty so it feels better.
DW
Hey DW
Im glad you are feeling safer. Also i could see in your post that you’ve got all the answers in you- but maybe you are being a bit hard on yourself still.
Oh yeah – I so recognise the tactic of ‘rebranding’ his own behaviours and crimes as the work of another. They are all: projection, projection, projection!
I have to say I forgot to mention that ‘my’ Spath 2 turned out to have a criminal record also. (1 count theft, 1 count assault, also subject to a harrassment order by a previous girlfriend). The criminal record may be helpful later if he harrasses you in any way – i.e he’s clearly not a ‘good citizen’ -so who would believe the words of such an obvious social deviant.
I think its not a sin to feel lonely DW and being lonely is the ‘human condition’ sometimes. But you are right that this is probably the key to why you ‘opened the door’ this time. I think that when you’ve come more to terms with this issue you will be able to better forget the Spath. In a an wierd way the Spath is irrelvant footnote to your fabulous life DW. He’s a criminal and an a**clown and he wanted all your time, money and attention. You saw him off though – TOWANDA lol
Dancing Warrior,
Don’t feel badly;keep reminding yourself of what you had just been through-the divorce,your mom’s death,and your son leaving the home.That’s ALOT!That would leave anyone vulnerable;it would positively leave their emotions in ‘spin-cycle’ for awhile!
I lost my mom Dec’10.Spath said he was too sick to drive the 750 miles to the funeral.(I don’t drive) And he needed me to stay with him.He didn’t want me to travel with my sister who lives a few hrs away because he knew she’d stay a few wks.So,I lost my mom very suddenly;didn’t even get to go to her funeral and be with my dad & siblings-spath knew how close all of us were/are!
Delta,
Spaths are good at yelling and “riling the neighbors”!I always had a fear in the pit of my stomach that one day,all that yelling was going to cause us to get evicted!We were very fortunate through the years!Thankfully our daughters are all grown now.We had lived in the apt complex 4 monthes when I decided I had to get out.He had been yelling so much that it was causing alot of complaints.This time we were living in a complex for seniors.So his yelling wasn’t taken so lightly!We were evicted because when I left,he yelled louder than ever,and got up out of bed,knocking on doors trying to find me.These 7 monthes have been peaceful!He can’t yell at me and I go to sleep when I want and get up when I want!
Blossom,
My condolences for the loss of your mom. This is very sad, and very recent.
Yes I was too too lonely and got hooked by his fake kindness that I craved so much.
I hope that you will find meaningful ways to remember your mom and connect with her in your heart and thought, though you couldn’t go to the funeral.
DW
TOWANDA Blossom.
Here’s to a peaceful night’s sleep!
Delta1 🙂
I echo that! The sleep deprivation made me a nervous wreck I still appreciate a peaceful 8 hours now months later…and his farking calls at the crack of dawn which I answered like the brainwashed automaton I became under his lovebombing
Now that I’m able to “think”,I realize that the sleep deprivation was in order to “prime” me for the brainwashing.And each time I fought back by letting him know I knew SOMETHING was wrong,he UPPED the sleep deprivation!I’m glad I’m getting the rest I need now,but afraid the body is ‘paying the price’!
Blossom, I, too experienced significant sleep deprivation – wow, I thought I was the only one. Right before I left, I went to a doctor who immediately put me on Xanax and ambien and stated that I would need “at least a month of solid sleep to begin to recover”. Sorry that you experienced that as well. I would be allowed maybe an hour a night, and finally by the third day I would just pass out from sheer exhaustion.
“Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” – George Santayana