Editor’s note: Joyce M. Short is the author of a soon to be released book, “Carnal Abusive Deceit When a Predator’s Lies Become Rape.” The book chronicles her life with a predator, the subsequent aftermath and her road to recovery. It also provides advice for victims and their supporters, and discusses the issues surrounding criminalization of rape-by-fraud. Joyce lives in New York City, where she’s a real estate broker, professional tennis instructor and a strong advocate for her community.
A Predator’s “Mark” Often Struggles to Overcome Rape-by-Fraud or Emotional Rape
By Joyce M. Short
I was hoodwinked by a charlatan. It was not until I found the appropriate terms to express what I’d experienced that I actually began to feel relief. He lied about everything ”¦ his age, his education, his marital status, military service and more. The man who seduced me, who I came to adore, was nothing but a charade.
Once I learned of his treachery, it took years to mend. It was complicated by the fact that we had a child together. As I struggled through his physical and financial abandonment, depression and the sense of defilement that resulted from his wrongdoing, I finally determined to write a book about it. Doing so enabled me to put the facts and his behavior into context. Beforehand, they were jarring memories loosely floating through my consciousness and disturbing my peace. While purposeless rumination and a sense of deprivation were eating me alive, he skipped along on his way to an affluent, secure life. My determination to write the book renewed my sense of power, which had been stripped away by his debasing actions.
Writing my story
Writing is a process, and writing about one’s painful past is fraught with starts, stops and detours. Facing the most painful memories can erode one’s spirit as we relive the actions that caused us so much grief. As I continued writing, I attempted to convey how “raped” I felt at his hands. I coined what I thought was my own invention for describing his impact, “emotionally raped.” I decided to take a look on the Internet and see if it was a term that was in common usage.
Before I completed typing all the letters, the words, “emotional rape” sprang up, denoting that the term actually existed in techno space. Before me lay several options to chose from. I was overwhelmed. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I had to take a few minutes to collect myself before I could continue. Just the validation alone that what I felt was an actual, identifiable occurrence that someone, somewhere in the universe knew about was mind blowing.
Rape-by-fraud
I’ve continued researching and writing since then. Today I understand that when someone pretends to be a person they are not in order to induce you to have sex with them, they are committing the crime of rape-by-fraud. When they deceive you about their character in order to cause you to feel a loving bond with them, they are committing emotional rape. They are defrauding you of your highest emotion, which is love.
Unfortunately, the crime of rape-by-fraud is only punishable in a number of states: California, Massachusetts and Tennessee. Emotional rape is not punishable anywhere.
If you felt raped at the hands of a predator who lied to you, but were not physically overcome, now you know why. Rape by duping someone is as much a means to circumvent your opposition as doping would be. Doping a victim to engage in sex is widely known as “date rape” and punishable by law. The act of sex does not have to hurt you physically in order to hurt you emotionally. The trauma and confusion to victims increases with the length of time that sex with the imposter continues.
Just as doctors can’t prescribe cures until the illness is known, victims of rape-by-fraud and emotional rape have a difficult time recovering from something they don’t recognize or understand. Once a person knows what they are dealing with, they can take the necessary steps to heal themselves.
Joyce, when I look up “rape by fraud” I find something a little different. It speaks more of actually pretending to be another person, not misrepresenting you nature/ intentions. Can you steer me in the direction of something different in terms of misrepresentation of your intentions being illegal in these states?
Hi Dorothy-
You’ve touched on an important distinction-
Misrepresenting your “nature” or “intentions” is NOT rape-by-fraud. However, lying to someone about who you actually are, specifically- incorrect biographical information about yourself, is.
That doesn’t mean that someone who is lying to you about their intentions or nature, “I’m a nice person, not a louse,” or “I’m going to marry you tomorrow,” isn’t committing emotional rape.
Here’s the difference- in rape-by-fraud, the victim is having intercourse with an imposter- a person whose factual identity is different from what they pretend. In emotional rape, the person elicits one’s highest emotion, which is love, from their victim through pretense or a ruse.
Rape-by-fraud is punishable in some states but by-and-large, emotional rape is not. The fact that it’s not, however, does not make the victim feel any less violated.
Even in states that have rape-by-fraud laws, there are widely disparate sets of causation. In some states, the fraud must be in the “factum” and in others it could be in the “inducement.” More progressive laws consider a broader interpretation of fraud.
My next article will deal with the issue of causation in the various states so that victims can seek remedies where it’s appropriate.
All the best-
Joyce
I had a built in nose for sociopaths and was not easily fooled . But i married one. despite i knew whatw as going on and never dropped my gaurd he got i any way. i escaped before he could damage me. i asked people for help as i saw i had a pattern. i was blessed to be able to know what was going on and who i was talking to but not escape bing drag into their sick lives. I met enough of them. for fact my father had me raped by drs and was a liar and duped people into beleiving i was diagnose with schizophrenia. like the emperoros new clothes. there was not sign of this illness less the hystieria he created in me . he had a MD. so he was able to make people beleive and battered a dr when the man told him nothing was wrong wtih me. i was raped emotionaly and others used this as a means to abuse rape me getting off laughing after i ran away into nyc streets adn was left perfect victim for years. it was rape of my perfect life. i refused to let them take away my innocent life and struggled . i lived a life ofa convicted criminal not a abused kid as the lie never went away. MY father admited to me he knew and family members also admited and then lived the lie and used me to abuse me isntead of telling truth. one sister is a harc core sociopath and now has herslef involved in cancer cauase of al things because she is the most Munchausen and my friends came to thanksgiving one time and siad they feared for my life that my family were obsessed with illness. this sister is both parts of father mother. i was independant and did not fall to them. i had god as my guide in life. i was a no drugs no alchol gifted artsit. my mother was jelous of me adn father had paranoid delusons of artist.
my life suffered emotional and psycholgical rape and i refused to let them fuck me up. i lived between a rock adn hard place holding off my fate and i got to drs to REPORT IT Just like rape and i was not reated. maybe what is connected is that an other sister said my brother when they were both young raped her. out of evil play and she was not taken to a dr. i feel some pattern here of the rape and how it fucked her up she said they she did not get attention to it. so i wonder if this was her revenge on others. she is also a malicious person who is unbalanced and lost.. emaried to an alcholic drug addict..
the use of rape and neglect to trauma can cause issues. i held it off for 15 years and escaped a prison of family rape and abuse to rise up again. so i feel maybe u can rise above this and leran. however i was then tossed n path of the same kind of sick persons u are describing adn abused traumatized , i aws not fooled i knew what they were buti was pushed into the path of them and glued for htree years.
Since i saw a pattern on first one and i had been given back a new life , and escape a fate worse than death, i asked somone , drs and got to drs wehn i saw i was going to fall into a trap. my brain body and mind suffered years of shock and abuse and i could not afford thsi kind of shock to my life it would take me down. i was prudent but my family wanted me to be sick and did not care what i did was genius.. or correct. the last person who got to me after one other and a few beore him almost drove me to mental illness in stress. i prayed . i escaped one in 2012 but right after the next person was put in my path. i wa dragged thorugh the heavy abuse of this person he also posed as a sweet innocent till he began to batter and robe and abuse me being he was black male. he did not hit me but exhaust me and i began to go down and crack. i got to drs adn no one cared begged people. charlatans also who posed as people who cared. i felt that wa worst,, i did what was right to protect my life health in time got to dr in state of strain and shock . i had a brilliant life story and talent. i was rising and i was nto a quitter or other. i needed very little care but i got none. it led for me to lose it all. i am now homelss sick and lost as resses ult of poor medical care. and the abuses of certain people. i was not a fool, and i did it all right. but despite it the effects of someones rape on me and he did rape me to, force me to have sex when did not want to and then turn over and say he was tired . that it was all about him and doing what he wanted when to me and not me.. i was to smart for thsi but at this time i began to suffer stroke and seizure and lose my will and abilty to act. i was in severe danger. before i made a mistake to this person i began to 911 some people to get help and attention or concern. my family and they did not care. i ended up fall into the trap. and it lost me my life miracle. i knew i had a weak spot and flaw and did what i knew was right so society also tricks and fools people to. now i have nothing..
One in 25. That is the statistical prevalence of these conmen. Empty, life sucking, life destroying, predatory, remorseless, heartless, abusive, exploitative opportunists….Disguised briefly as knights in shining armour.
Staggering deceit, time after time… lies without skipping a heartbeat. Shocking, incredible lies to one and all.
Learn, teach, expose, share.
emotional rape…bang on! Let’s get this on the agenda for legislative change.
thejb,
Many of us here have shared the experience of sleep deprivation.It is a well-used tool of sociopaths.”When something works,don’t knock it”,right?! I once heard an illustration in which depression was likened to a tool.This is how it goes.”The Devil was having a garage sale and getting rid of some of his tools.He was trying to decide what price to sell them for.As he was looking them over,he picked one up and held it up,touching it fondly.It was the tool Depression,which he used far more often than the other tools,since it worked so well.He decided he wouldn’t sell it after all.He still needed it.”
Sleep deprivation is another one of his precious tools!
Joyce,
Thank you for explaining the distinction between rape-by-fraud and emotional rape! I always felt that my violation was emotional rape and you validated that for me!
margaux07,
Your story shocked and saddened me.You’re a strong person;don’t give up!Keep coming here and reading and posting.You’ll find strength and healing and companionship.Welcome! 🙂
How many discarded ‘targets’ of spaths have ended up on anti deps? There’s a survey to be done!
Perfectly accomplished, intelligent, successful, emotionally stable women, who previously ended relationships with honesty and kindness, end up on meds, in counselling.
They’re ALL the same.
EVIL in disguise.
I got a stalker rather than a discarder though he discarded wives 1 and 2 so my turn would have come if I hadn’t run for the hills once his mask fell off. Anyway…I am on anti depressants, which cause extreme lethargy and a floating disconnected feeling so I am on a low dose and tapering off although one doctor wanted to double my dose. With AD s it’s so hit and miss. There is no clinical evidence at all that supports the original claims if the drug companies that serotonin reuptake inhibitors help depression. They take the edge off for some people , but that may be akin to a placebo effect. My intense anxiety in the aftermath of the abuse I experienced has become better 6 months later but I put this down to 2 months no contact of any kind, the support of the police with the stalking when I ended the relationship LF and my counseling as well as eating well and being good to myself.
the search function on lovefraud has changed. Can anyone tell me how to pull up a thread by searching with key words? When I enter them into the google search field, they pop up on the side bar – but i can’t acutlly get to the thread i posted on last night and this morning. Thanks.
Hello one/joy – thank you for bringing this problem to my attention. I’ll look into finding a different search function. In the meantime, your comments are on:
http://www.lovefraud.com/2010/04/14/a-witness-to-healing/
http://www.lovefraud.com/2008/05/05/10-tactics-for-child-custody-battles-with-sociopaths/
Emotional rape is as good a description as any. But no one understands what we’ve been through no matter what we call it. I am the shell of the person I was. It’s like I’m catatonic. The only thing that keeps me alive is I don’t want my children to have a parental suicide hanging over their heads all their lives. I have to be out of my living space tomorrow and I haven’t even started packing. I can’t. I just lie in bed all day and sleep. I am devastated. It’s like murder by fraud. My entire life is so destroyed I have no way of getting back on my feet. I really don’t know how to live this way. Everything I’ve done has just made it all worse. This is a horrible thing these people do and no one gets it in any manner from what I can tell. No matter what you call it. How you explain the psychopath. It’s like its a joke and I’m just a loser trying to blame someone for my failure. I am so close to giving up I really don’t know what else to do.
Lilian, my heart goes out to you. I have been in bed sleeping and reading much of today, I work part time thank God as I would not be able to do more. It’s natural to experience intense grief – you are traumatised- but that will run it’s course Lillian. Believe that. It’s not going to last. Your move may help energize you, who is helping you? If you are too ill to pack you need assistance! Are your children able to assist? One hour at a time Lillian, one hour at a time. God bless. Keep posting so we know how you are please
Thanks very much, Donna!
UK readers may remember the recent revelations that a police officer working undercover as an animal rights activist in the guise of being an activist himself had sexual relationships with female activists and fathered a child with one. When they discovered. as in fact a police officer gathering evidence against them and their fellow activists they spoke out as feeling they had been effectively tricked into sex . I believe they are pursuing a group action against the police.