Editor’s note: Joyce M. Short is the author of a soon to be released book, “Carnal Abusive Deceit When a Predator’s Lies Become Rape.” The book chronicles her life with a predator, the subsequent aftermath and her road to recovery. It also provides advice for victims and their supporters, and discusses the issues surrounding criminalization of rape-by-fraud. Joyce lives in New York City, where she’s a real estate broker, professional tennis instructor and a strong advocate for her community.
A Predator’s “Mark” Often Struggles to Overcome Rape-by-Fraud or Emotional Rape
By Joyce M. Short
I was hoodwinked by a charlatan. It was not until I found the appropriate terms to express what I’d experienced that I actually began to feel relief. He lied about everything ”¦ his age, his education, his marital status, military service and more. The man who seduced me, who I came to adore, was nothing but a charade.
Once I learned of his treachery, it took years to mend. It was complicated by the fact that we had a child together. As I struggled through his physical and financial abandonment, depression and the sense of defilement that resulted from his wrongdoing, I finally determined to write a book about it. Doing so enabled me to put the facts and his behavior into context. Beforehand, they were jarring memories loosely floating through my consciousness and disturbing my peace. While purposeless rumination and a sense of deprivation were eating me alive, he skipped along on his way to an affluent, secure life. My determination to write the book renewed my sense of power, which had been stripped away by his debasing actions.
Writing my story
Writing is a process, and writing about one’s painful past is fraught with starts, stops and detours. Facing the most painful memories can erode one’s spirit as we relive the actions that caused us so much grief. As I continued writing, I attempted to convey how “raped” I felt at his hands. I coined what I thought was my own invention for describing his impact, “emotionally raped.” I decided to take a look on the Internet and see if it was a term that was in common usage.
Before I completed typing all the letters, the words, “emotional rape” sprang up, denoting that the term actually existed in techno space. Before me lay several options to chose from. I was overwhelmed. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I had to take a few minutes to collect myself before I could continue. Just the validation alone that what I felt was an actual, identifiable occurrence that someone, somewhere in the universe knew about was mind blowing.
Rape-by-fraud
I’ve continued researching and writing since then. Today I understand that when someone pretends to be a person they are not in order to induce you to have sex with them, they are committing the crime of rape-by-fraud. When they deceive you about their character in order to cause you to feel a loving bond with them, they are committing emotional rape. They are defrauding you of your highest emotion, which is love.
Unfortunately, the crime of rape-by-fraud is only punishable in a number of states: California, Massachusetts and Tennessee. Emotional rape is not punishable anywhere.
If you felt raped at the hands of a predator who lied to you, but were not physically overcome, now you know why. Rape by duping someone is as much a means to circumvent your opposition as doping would be. Doping a victim to engage in sex is widely known as “date rape” and punishable by law. The act of sex does not have to hurt you physically in order to hurt you emotionally. The trauma and confusion to victims increases with the length of time that sex with the imposter continues.
Just as doctors can’t prescribe cures until the illness is known, victims of rape-by-fraud and emotional rape have a difficult time recovering from something they don’t recognize or understand. Once a person knows what they are dealing with, they can take the necessary steps to heal themselves.
Lillian,
I have been ‘where you’re at’.You describe it better than I ever did.I always just said I was overwhelmed or “like a zombie”!
Tea Light has the right idea.This move is a new start for you.I remember how I fought the idea of having to move.Because of my husband’s yelling,we were evicted,and even though I wasn’t even there,the property manager stood firmly by her decision!I was fortunate enough to have help moving.Now,I’m very happy that I did move;I LOVE my new apt,my new life!
Are you a member of a church?Perhaps you could get some help there.What about neighbors?Friends or family?What helped you to get things done in the days before spath?Music always helped me.
Lillian,
You can do this. Eat something. Drink a glass of water. Pack the boxes now. Eat and drink water as needed. You are stronger than you think. The spath did that to you. Mind control. If you have money, call a local cheap moving company and have them come and get it and get to your transitional place to live. Then, get your library card and read every self help book that catches your heart and read until you find the new you and regain as much of your health as you can. If you don’t have physical help available, then use all of US to make you just do it. Do it and post back to US what you did and how it felt and how you feel once you have gotten to where you are going as you try to recover. Suicide lets the spath win. Don’t let the spath win. When you have packed and you are someplace new, let us know that you have done it. KNOW we are there with you and know the stamina and tenacity it is taking you to do it.
This mind control and emotional rape is like an addiction. We get addicted to the unbelievable person they show us. It is worse than the worst drug addiction in my opinion. There is a book I read about how to end an addiction to a person and it helped me. Almost every self help book I read helps me in some way. My addiction to the love and kindness and phony personality the spath showed me repeatedly is what kept me hooked. It is still hard to be “just business” with him, but gets easier and easier as I realize he is not real. I am addicted to a part he played to get what he wanted…control over someone he wishes he could be. Me addicted to him. If you saw us side by side, you would never even picture us as a couple. If you had a conversation with each of us, you would never imagine he had the brain or personality to even talk to me much less control my own love for myself. I still read my Al-Anon books to remember my addiction to an addictive spath. I highly recommend the books and the meetings as well as the Codependents Anonymous meetings and books. But, if you can only be in bed, get the self help books and start reading.
Thinking of Suicide over a spath? We’ve all been there. It’s addiction and withdrawal. They are empty shells of evil. Our addiction to empty shells of evil makes us forgot all about our own survival. We become like drug addicts searching for a tiny crumb of kindness. What about your survival? What about your welfare? What about you? Now, please say, “I love myself and I am doing this” and move towards your transitional place mentally and physically and into whatever is next. If it is more rest and grieving, that is perfectly fine. Please Start packing and let us know what you did. Let US be your support as you do this. Report bak to us about how you packed and where you went and what you did. We want to know because we are not going to let some phony spath let you forget that you are a worthwhile human being who deserves to be alive. I’m a bossy older sister and I care. You can do this and I want to know how it is going, how many books you are ordering, how you are feeling, and what you think, so please get back on here and keep me posted after you have packed those boxes.
Fight is right Lillian, there are people here who are rooting for you and who care what happens to you. Get to your new place anyway you can and use the change to stimulate more change, emotional recovery. Wishing you strength today Lillian!
Hi Lillian,
I had no job, my health was horrible, I had no money for rent, and was getting food from the food bank. My life was shredded in ribbons.
I too lay in bed, no lights on, windows wide open in the dead of winter, in an emotional state like no other I have ever experienced. I felt the spath’s face looming over me. Although she was not in the room her energy hit me like an electric shock. I was jarred and frightened by that. I could not think of a single idea or phrase to inspire me. I did not know what to do. I felt i had no future at all. I had no foothold to start, not even anger to invigorate me. So,seeing no way out, I gave into it. And something truly good happened. Slowly that part of me that insists on life made me move myself out of bed.
that was 2.5 years ago. I have work, I have money to pay the rent, i have moved through a lot of craziness, and healed a great deal. I still have few friends – I have a damaged sense of trust in others and myself, that will need a lot of work on. I have hit wall after wall after wall in my recovery. I am still lost. But, i survived the b****, so in her ‘terms’, I won.
I pray that some day I will be okay again. A new okay, not the old okay – I do want to get wiser as a result of this debacle. I struggle with the legacy of complex PTSD and daily anxiety. And i have to learn how to love and connect more slowly with people. Slow in a good way, not in the ‘never getting near another person’ way.
I see the stage I am in now as a stabilization stage. I have been in this stage for a long time. there is healing happening, but i am not specifically focused on it. I am focused on maintaining work and dealing with the shock and awe of a cancer diagnosis (turned out it was false, but I do have something that is nasty) and have had ongoing tests, and surgeries to recover from.
I am not as nice or as compassionate person as I once was. And i am still quite capable of being fooled. Again, i need to learn to love more slowly. my toolkit of responses to people has grown, but the damn box is messy, and I have to quit reaching for the 2 inch spanner when the 1/4 inch will do.
others have given you good concrete advice about how to put one foot in front of the other. You wouldn’t post if you didn’t want to live. You are taking steps. Keep going, because you can do it.
The term ’emotional rape’ was important to me. I started to use it as a way of communicating the impact of my experience to others. ‘Rape’ is a word with cultural weight, so i figured it might be a useful term to use to try to get through to others.
i am not sure how effective using it with others has been, but it has been very helpful to my understanding their gravity of my experience. the sense of violation was (is still) so deep. rape is a good word for it. it gives context to the healing and the woundedness that is very grounding for me.
bless you all.
I am more comfortable with the words “emotional assault.” I don’t want to equate my emotional victimization to that of a physical rape victim. For me, it has been bad with every kind of abuse except rape. I think someone who has truly been raped might not agree with this statement, so I consider myself a victim of emotional trauma, assault, abuse, mind control, etc.
This is a very empathetic and considered response to the discussion fight, thanks for this.
Tea Light,
I do have empathy for victims of physical rape.I certainly don’t mean to demean that experience by using the term “rape” when referring to emotional abuse.”Assualt” is a confusing word.In other words,how bad was our experience?We’ve been scarred as much as any rape victim,having been violated(often sexually too)to the point that our lives have to be put back together like a broken plate.We are afraid to love;afraid to trust again.I think rape is an entirely appropriate word. ((( Hugs )))
You’ve always shown great empathy to me and everyone here Blossom, your empathic character is in no way in doubt. ((hugs back)). I appreciated fight’s contribution and wanted her to know that. I can’t go further into the issue it’s too painful. Love to you.
You are all heroines. Lillian of course you will make it…that pain is so so raw and visceral.
We all came close to suicide. Believe me I’m 14 months on…no pain now.
No incredulity, utter disbelief, incomprehension.
Nothing.
Healing.
rebuilding.
Growing.
You will too Lillian
And you’ll come out the other end, stronger, wiser, deeper and better
Love from the other side
Mo
Blossom, I absolutely agree with Tea Light about your depth and empathy shown to all of us here. I just think we can know what we know about what happened to us emotionally, verbally, and physically and we don’t have to use a term that is not quite in the same category to victims of true physical rape. I think as we study sociopaths and share about them here, we can share how deeply it affects us. We can see there are different levels each victim has endured. I just don’t think it should be compared to a violent sex crime because it is not a violent sex crime perpetrated against mostly females and some males.
I feel the author should have consulted with various rape organizations before choosing this title. I have been deeply harmed by narcissists and sociopaths, but I have never been raped. The physically violent act of rape, for me, is on a whole different level than the other types of non-violent and violent acts of a sociopath. I do not think that most victims of actual physical rape (even if there was actual rape by the sociopath within their relationship) would believe it is an equivalent description when describing the other types of assault.
Again, these are just my feelings about it and I believe I would be especially bothered to have a male victim of a sociopath say that to me. Everyone doesn’t have to agree with my thoughts and feelings, but it is something to think about before saying the words “emotional rape” to others…in my opinion. We don’t know what might happened to them that could trigger a great deal of pain. And we can know our own level of assault and trauma and not have to convey it by using a word that has a specific definition in describing a sexual, violent crime. It is not a definition that includes any other types of emotional, verbal, or physical abuse. I don’t know anything about this author or her book. But, I won’t buy it because I believe that word was used to get attention and it does not use the true definition of that word appropriately.
Tea Light,
Out of respect for the pain you’ve been through,I’ll continue to use the term “emotional abuse”.I feel that comes through stronger than the word “assault” which could vary from a slap to being hit with a baseball bat,etc.It doesn’t really define what I’ve been through.I feel I deserve the same dignity as a victim of sexual crime.Twenty eight yrs of my life were stolen;my marriage was a SHAM.No real intimacy;’just sex’-and only for the first 5 yrs of marriage.Onlookers looking in from the outside could easily say “Why doesn’t she just leave?!” Cruel mind games and sleep deprivation and clinging to my dreams of a happy marriage and family life wasn’t a good mix! I was a zombie trying to survive in a thick toxic fog!I have been hurt physically,emotionally,mentally and spiritually.I couldn’t help my daughters as they suffered because it was as if I suffered from a form of emotional paralysis.
Each of us can read the stories of others here and think their story sounds like it would be easier to survive.But in truth,we’ve each been through our own worst nightmare!
I used the term “emotionally raped” for years to describe an episode where a fundamentalist church member — right in the heart of New York City, believe it or not — actually exhibited signs of a split personality to seduce me. Dr. Jekyll was the nice guy who really wanted to work out our religious differences, to build something beautiful out of them, to be able to reach out across that divide and really “relate.” Mr. Hyde was the arrogant voice telling me I was going to Hell if I didn’t get into the “text-based religion” that he so valued. His church asked not to be identified as Redeemer Presbyterian Church, by the way, so forget I mentioned it. They no doubt have my angry, litigation-threatening letter on file under “Crackpots.”
One really degrading way to “rape” a person is to turn on the mojo, get naked, and then refuse to do actual vaginal penetration. Anything else is OK by God, so let’s get it on. And then, because the targeted person (usually a woman) wants “real” sex badly, accuse her of trying to compromise your relationship with God. Because you made a promise when you were, like, 14 or something. Heighten the tension, add a little spice, by talking dirty to her on the phone about bondage and S&M, y’know, really naughty stuff. It makes no difference how bad that gets; she is still the dirty one, go ahead, call her a “Jezebel,” and accuse her of trying to lure you away from the righteous path.
So strange that this happened to me, the last person in the world you’d expect to fall for religious scams. I didn’t, actually, fall for it. I fell for the explanation around how it would work, but when it got to actual religious ideas as presented in the church, I looked right at the guy on a downtown 6 train and told him, “You’ve got to be kidding.” Sometime around early 1998, if you saw a woman screaming at a guy on the Broadway-Lafayette platform, that’d be me.
What happened here was a physical, sexual, erotic seduction, and it dug deep into my body. It invaded me, penetrated me violently. I’d call that a rape, and not just an emotional or fraud kind. It’s not reportable. And like I said, nobody really took me seriously about suing the church, or him. Pay no attention to the crazy lady! She’s got sexual hangups and perversions. Meanwhile, be sure to ask Tim Keller what the hell he meant by encouraging people to do this in his church. Hell: pun intended!