Editor’s note: Joyce M. Short is the author of a soon to be released book, “Carnal Abusive Deceit When a Predator’s Lies Become Rape.” The book chronicles her life with a predator, the subsequent aftermath and her road to recovery. It also provides advice for victims and their supporters, and discusses the issues surrounding criminalization of rape-by-fraud. Joyce lives in New York City, where she’s a real estate broker, professional tennis instructor and a strong advocate for her community.
A Predator’s “Mark” Often Struggles to Overcome Rape-by-Fraud or Emotional Rape
By Joyce M. Short
I was hoodwinked by a charlatan. It was not until I found the appropriate terms to express what I’d experienced that I actually began to feel relief. He lied about everything ”¦ his age, his education, his marital status, military service and more. The man who seduced me, who I came to adore, was nothing but a charade.
Once I learned of his treachery, it took years to mend. It was complicated by the fact that we had a child together. As I struggled through his physical and financial abandonment, depression and the sense of defilement that resulted from his wrongdoing, I finally determined to write a book about it. Doing so enabled me to put the facts and his behavior into context. Beforehand, they were jarring memories loosely floating through my consciousness and disturbing my peace. While purposeless rumination and a sense of deprivation were eating me alive, he skipped along on his way to an affluent, secure life. My determination to write the book renewed my sense of power, which had been stripped away by his debasing actions.
Writing my story
Writing is a process, and writing about one’s painful past is fraught with starts, stops and detours. Facing the most painful memories can erode one’s spirit as we relive the actions that caused us so much grief. As I continued writing, I attempted to convey how “raped” I felt at his hands. I coined what I thought was my own invention for describing his impact, “emotionally raped.” I decided to take a look on the Internet and see if it was a term that was in common usage.
Before I completed typing all the letters, the words, “emotional rape” sprang up, denoting that the term actually existed in techno space. Before me lay several options to chose from. I was overwhelmed. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I had to take a few minutes to collect myself before I could continue. Just the validation alone that what I felt was an actual, identifiable occurrence that someone, somewhere in the universe knew about was mind blowing.
Rape-by-fraud
I’ve continued researching and writing since then. Today I understand that when someone pretends to be a person they are not in order to induce you to have sex with them, they are committing the crime of rape-by-fraud. When they deceive you about their character in order to cause you to feel a loving bond with them, they are committing emotional rape. They are defrauding you of your highest emotion, which is love.
Unfortunately, the crime of rape-by-fraud is only punishable in a number of states: California, Massachusetts and Tennessee. Emotional rape is not punishable anywhere.
If you felt raped at the hands of a predator who lied to you, but were not physically overcome, now you know why. Rape by duping someone is as much a means to circumvent your opposition as doping would be. Doping a victim to engage in sex is widely known as “date rape” and punishable by law. The act of sex does not have to hurt you physically in order to hurt you emotionally. The trauma and confusion to victims increases with the length of time that sex with the imposter continues.
Just as doctors can’t prescribe cures until the illness is known, victims of rape-by-fraud and emotional rape have a difficult time recovering from something they don’t recognize or understand. Once a person knows what they are dealing with, they can take the necessary steps to heal themselves.
fight,
I understand your depth of empathy and reasoning for not using the term.As I explained in the above post to Tea Light,I will use the term “emotional abuse” instead.However,I googled the term that you prefer not to use and was surprised to see all the websites!I didn’t even get beyond the first one because I read all the comments (and they were worth reading).
The website was: zeidspex.blogspot.com/2007/02/emotional-rape-what-is-it.html
It starts out with a quote from a 2001 Cosmopolitan article.Lovefraud is mentioned as a worthy website to visit.And so that you realize that Joyce isn’t just “grabbing for attention” by using the term,Dr Mike Fox wrote the book entitled “Emotional Rape Syndrome”.
I just read another website;this time it’s an excerpt from Dr. Mike Fox’s book.The website is: enpsychopedia.org/index.php/Emotional_Rape
I think people should say whatever they want. But, I wanted to point out that real rape victims could be offended or triggered by it.
And I certainly don’t agree with whatever all of that is on the post that says consenting to have other types of sex with a sociopath is rape. Consenting to do something sexual, emotional, physical or spiritual with someone unless you are in a locked room, car, etc. is not rape according to my dictionary. Consenting to sex and then not having a certain type of sex you wanted is not rape. The word is defined as “seizing someone against their will and by force.” I have been abused, had money stolen, lied to, had them want to have types sex with me I didn’t want, and many other things. But, I was lucky in that any sociopath I was with never forced me to do anything I did not agree to do.
Believe me. I have had my life threatened by single sociopaths and as a whistleblower, I had my life threatened by a whole group. Just as Blossom says, we have all been through terrible things in relationships with spaths, and some of them are true physical rapists within their marriages and relationships. But, I felt I wanted to speak up when rape is being used to describe the more emotionally, verbally, and spiritually deceit/fraud of the Sociopath.
Blossom, how you chose to express yourself will not alter my high opinion of you. You have a great track record here on LF as a caring generous presence. I understand why others wish to use this term emotional rape. I dislike it. I am not comfortable when I read it. Fight has given my concerns expression better than I am able to. I can’t debate the issue. I am not able to.
Tea Light and Blossom: You have both welcomed me here with open arms and I am grateful to both of you.
Glad you joined the community fight! Peace and love to you today
Thank you, Tea Light. I am very glad to be here. I think this is a very good place to find our voices that may have been lost for a long time…or voices we haven’t been allowed to have since childhood.
I am hurting really badly today. I have had NC for a while but today had a back door contact. Someone calling me and telling me what he is doing which is getting ready to go off for the weekend to the beach for Bike Week. And no doubt with his new victim. And to top it off, there was a concert last night that I didn’t go to because I was sure that he would have been there.
I so hate feeling this way…..will it ever end.
There are times like this that I still miss him so much. But I really try to remember all the lies and everything else he did.
I have 3 kids and need to able to function for them, but I really don’t want to.
Do you ever want to just punish him? . . . Just sayin’. . . . It’s been said that forgiveness isn’t letting the other person off the hook, it’s letting yourself off. That’s still not easy, though. Just this morning, contemplating the betrayal of a couple of people in my life working together to humiliate me, I had to be honest with myself. I don’t want to forgive, walk away, or say the one-sentence thing that will just get rid of them. I want “closure” and a verdict, damn it. An “intervention” like in the movies would be great. I want to know that I’ve been heard. . . . It’s no use. I won’t be heard anyway. I think that’s the hard part, like that “matzo ball” that’s out there, Seinfeld-style. In this case it isn’t “I love you” but just uncleared injustice. And as long as I harbor those thoughts, they will attract the kinds of parasite-people who eat such things for breakfast.
Hi To Be Free: It sounds like you are hurting today by hearing from someone who is involving you even though you prefer no contact. Gossip about them is enticing, but the letdown after you receive it, can be upsetting. You are correct in calling another person he is with a victim. She/he will find out that no one is special to a sociopath. We have to see that we are special within ourselves. There is a book called, “How to Break An Addiction to a Person.” I found it very helpful in understanding how addictive these people can be for my type of person. I am with my spath in close proximity for the second time. Believe me, after going through double love bombing and disappoint and disillusion, I am certain that all of his “targets” throughout his life have been treated exactly as I have been.
sistersister: I don’t think I want to punish him per se. However, I have found that if I am to be around a spath for any reason at all, I need to draw boundaries and I have consequences that show him (and me) that I am of value. Consequences often include cutting time together short if he says or does something that he knows is unacceptable and is trying to get a lot of negative attention from me to reinforce his shame inside. I have learned, most of the time, that getting tired and needing to rest alone a few minutes after an unacceptable behavior or statement makes a big difference. I learned some of how I handle things with him from watching “Super Nanny.” I want to enhance my self value…not lower his if at all possible. It is difficult, but it saves a lot of energy and time in the long run. And after he is gone from my life (probably by dying because he is 75% there), I will mourn what he could have been and won’t miss what he is. And I will still be a valuable human being no matter what. As victims of abuse, we have to remember our value and keep that in the forefront of our minds.
sistersister,
When we’re hurting,the natural tendency is to want to watch “Johnny” hurt too.Sometimes it’s just a matter of shifting our focus so that we can look at things in clearer view.
Betrayal really does hurt;especially when it comes from more than one person!But is it necessary to see them “pay” before we can advance to the point of healing and happiness in our lives?!
I heard an illustration once about a person that is stumbled or offended.They can just lie down right there in that very spot and NEVER move.The next day,somebody comes along and asks why they’re lying there and they reply because they were stumbled (hurt).Later that month they’re still lying there;they just keep repeating to those that ask,that they’re lying there because they were stumbled.Everyone in the audience laughed at the very thought of a person doing that because it’s not sensible.
I don’t mean to imply that you’re not a sensible person.Just that several times on this blog I’ve seen the saying that the best revenge is living well.I subscribe to that feeling!
🙂 (( Hugs ))
Well, heck yeah. Ditto. Move on and dance. Not saying the feeling of incompleteness is right, just that it’s there. Acknowledgement of it is the first step.
Not necessarily even revenge.
Fantasies like What I’m going to say next time to shore up my image of myself as high integrity, What I’m going to do to make sure he gets help, What pithy comment will get me out of this with dignity, How to escape out the back door if he shows up again, What game to play to make the rest of the crew see how awful she is, What I should have done that time she did X, How to respond to a particular pity play so that I keep my own head on straight, etc.
Even when contemplating “No Contact,” I’m contemplating how to do No Contact as LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE. OK, duh, note to self: My own sister didn’t notice I went No Contact for two freakin’ years. So much for making a statement!
This stuff won’t even make a good movie-of-the-week plot, but it’s pretty entertaining to the person who just went through spath hell. I woke up with it this morning.
All these thoughts are b.s., but admit it, you’ve had those things float across your brain more than once. Again, not saying it’s right, but it IS. It only makes the things you obsess over happen again. It only keeps you in the game you wanted out of. Expelling those thoughts is the biggest challenge — but not acknowledging them first won’t work.
sistersister,
I agree,in order to be in touch with our feelings~we first have to acknowledge them.But then we have to decide what good we can do;what we can honestly take care of without getting hurt….and discard the rest.
If I could redo things,I’d never have wasted all that effort and all those yrs on my husband.”Hindsight is sharper than foresight”,eh?!
Please don’t get caught up in thinking you have to “help” or “save” this guy.As long as you’re doing this,you’re sabotaging your own healing.You shouldn’t have to “hide” from him when you’re in your home.When you don’t answer the door,he ought to get the msg.Just install extra locks if that would make you more comfortable.Call the police if he refuses to leave.Don’t give in to the pity ploy.You have yourself to think of.Go NC in every way.
To Be Free,
Go ahead and cry…punch a pillow…get those feelings out so that you can feel better! ((Hugs)) Know this;You are stronger than you think~You CAN do this!Turn some lively music on and feel free to be YOU!
You don’t need those lies.You don’t need him because he lies to you.You need someone you can trust.Trust yourself.
Love and enjoy your kids…they need you and you need them!Watch some movies together ;do something fun together!
I’m also really cautious about all these creeping definitions of “rape,” and I definitely know that real physical rape is dangerous in the extreme. I cannot even begin to describe what that must be like, but I’ve had a friend whose life was forever altered by the experience.
But there has to be some way to describe what is undeniably still a physical sexual violation, even if it’s not getting cornered in a dark alley, beaten, and penetrated. There is something about that violation that we struggle to find even a word for. “Rape” seems to cover it, as flawed as that is. If you’ve been there, you’ll know what I’m talking about. It is not to be trivialized.
This bit about it being “consensual” is also not quite it, when the seduction is so complete and, well, criminal.
I think those grey areas are exactly what sociopaths like to exploit. I’m gonna call it what it is, emotional rape.
Tea Light and fight,
I have enjoyed our cyber friendship and circle of support! 🙂 (( Hugs ))
What I’m trying to express here is not so much about what was taken from any of us sexually.One can be violated in many ways and still be very traumatized.It can take a very long time to put one’s life back together.Not so long ago we were discussing PTSD and how emotional abuse is considered a cause just as much as war,sexual assault,etc.
This is just the first part of the excerpt from Dr. Mike Fox’s book: What is Emotional Rape?
According to Michael Fox, Ph.D., emotional rape is similar in many ways to physical rape, particularly date rape. Date rape involves the sexual use of someone’s body without consent which amounts to theft of the person’s physical sensorium. In a like manner, emotional rape is the theft of someone’s higher emotions, such as love, without consent. However, in the case of emotional rape the lack of consent is contained in the fact that the individual is being lied to by the perpetrator.
Emotional rape can happen to both men and women. Both forms of rape can be very devastating and require specialized programs for recovery.
Obstacles to Recovery
Several major obstacles are encountered in recovery from emotional rape that do not exist when considering physical rape. The first is that the victim is aware that something bad happened, but, due to lack of knowledge doesn’t know what or why. Also, as in date rape, the victims often feel that they will never be able to love or trust anyone again.
Other obstacles to recovery, again similar to date rape, are the re-victimization of the victim by friends, family, and society (“you were stupid”, “how could you let this happen”, “…told you they were bad news”, “you were naive”, etc.) and the subsequent tendencies toward self-blame and silence about what happened.
Thank you Blossom!!
I haven’t felt this low in a while.
I told this person to not tell me what he is doing and who he is with.
Today, when I know he is taking a trip and it use to be me with him, it just hurts.
I feel seduction under false pretenses is sexual fraud. If I consented to the sex, a seductive fraud occurred. That is how I feel about it.
That’s also my view. If we consent to a relationship of any kind with someone who is misrepresenting themselves and their intentions towards us wilfully then fraud is the word I believe is appropriate. Such an experience can be devastating. Getting society at large and the legal system to take that seriously does not require us to appropriate the word ‘rape’ to describe the experience of realising you have consented to a relationship be it sexual or emotional or professional with affraudulent individual. That to me can be powerfully and accurately described as an experience of abuse, a traumatic experience. Reference to psychological violence may be relevant. References to physical violence, to domestic violence, to battered partner syndrome, to PTSD, these all seem to me powerful and unambiguous. I see no need personally to use the word ‘rape’ to describe relationships, which may feature very serious abuses of a person, but in which an act or acts of rape did not occur. Peace and love to everyone in their journeys towards recovery from abuse of any kind.
fight:
Just read your post to me. Thanks for that and the support. I will look for the book.
Just like so many, I didn’t know what he was. I fell hard….and fast….and it was so exciting. Now, I’m paying for it. 🙁
To Be Free: Hope it helps. I’ve found that reading as much as I can helps a lot.
BTW, at the bottom of the screen, there is a little box you can check that will notify you if someone comments on a post. I have checked it, so will see if it works.
Fight – yes – a new feature. Does it work for you?
Donna,
Yes, it is working for me and it is very helpful. I get an email that shows what the comments were following my last comment. Much more user friendly than when I first registered on the site. I didn’t notice it until a couple of days ago. I may have missed it before if you did this already, but you might post a small blurb about it as one of the articles in case others haven’t found it yet.
Everyone on here “consented” to the relationship that they entered into.What we did not “consent” to was having our psyche wholly battered and violated.Everything that we stood for,that we are,that we offered with all our hearts,was violently taken from us in a cruel,criminal way(I won’t use that word).Just because it wasn’t done so in a physical way;in a minute,because we didn’t have a chance to fight it off (God help me,I wish I could have!),doesn’t trivalize what was done to us.Again I’m not demeaning what happened to those victims of physical sexual assualt.I just feel that our experience is being trivalized here.