Editor’s note: Joyce M. Short is the author of a soon to be released book, “Carnal Abusive Deceit When a Predator’s Lies Become Rape.” The book chronicles her life with a predator, the subsequent aftermath and her road to recovery. It also provides advice for victims and their supporters, and discusses the issues surrounding criminalization of rape-by-fraud. Joyce lives in New York City, where she’s a real estate broker, professional tennis instructor and a strong advocate for her community.
A Predator’s “Mark” Often Struggles to Overcome Rape-by-Fraud or Emotional Rape
By Joyce M. Short
I was hoodwinked by a charlatan. It was not until I found the appropriate terms to express what I’d experienced that I actually began to feel relief. He lied about everything ”¦ his age, his education, his marital status, military service and more. The man who seduced me, who I came to adore, was nothing but a charade.
Once I learned of his treachery, it took years to mend. It was complicated by the fact that we had a child together. As I struggled through his physical and financial abandonment, depression and the sense of defilement that resulted from his wrongdoing, I finally determined to write a book about it. Doing so enabled me to put the facts and his behavior into context. Beforehand, they were jarring memories loosely floating through my consciousness and disturbing my peace. While purposeless rumination and a sense of deprivation were eating me alive, he skipped along on his way to an affluent, secure life. My determination to write the book renewed my sense of power, which had been stripped away by his debasing actions.
Writing my story
Writing is a process, and writing about one’s painful past is fraught with starts, stops and detours. Facing the most painful memories can erode one’s spirit as we relive the actions that caused us so much grief. As I continued writing, I attempted to convey how “raped” I felt at his hands. I coined what I thought was my own invention for describing his impact, “emotionally raped.” I decided to take a look on the Internet and see if it was a term that was in common usage.
Before I completed typing all the letters, the words, “emotional rape” sprang up, denoting that the term actually existed in techno space. Before me lay several options to chose from. I was overwhelmed. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I had to take a few minutes to collect myself before I could continue. Just the validation alone that what I felt was an actual, identifiable occurrence that someone, somewhere in the universe knew about was mind blowing.
Rape-by-fraud
I’ve continued researching and writing since then. Today I understand that when someone pretends to be a person they are not in order to induce you to have sex with them, they are committing the crime of rape-by-fraud. When they deceive you about their character in order to cause you to feel a loving bond with them, they are committing emotional rape. They are defrauding you of your highest emotion, which is love.
Unfortunately, the crime of rape-by-fraud is only punishable in a number of states: California, Massachusetts and Tennessee. Emotional rape is not punishable anywhere.
If you felt raped at the hands of a predator who lied to you, but were not physically overcome, now you know why. Rape by duping someone is as much a means to circumvent your opposition as doping would be. Doping a victim to engage in sex is widely known as “date rape” and punishable by law. The act of sex does not have to hurt you physically in order to hurt you emotionally. The trauma and confusion to victims increases with the length of time that sex with the imposter continues.
Just as doctors can’t prescribe cures until the illness is known, victims of rape-by-fraud and emotional rape have a difficult time recovering from something they don’t recognize or understand. Once a person knows what they are dealing with, they can take the necessary steps to heal themselves.
SociopathsSuck, I appreciate your advice about NO reaction, NO emotion. Makes sense. Sorry that you had to deal with all these court cases. This man was my mechanic, whom I then dated 3 months, while he swiped my car under my nose while Oscar-performance-acting that he “missed me,” “couldn’t wait to see me,” “was falling for me,” “honey-darlinged” me to no end. I swallowed it hook and sinker, totally believing the man was for real.
Red flags lead me to end it after 3 short months thank God, very politely, worried sick about hurting his feelings. THEN after I broke up with him he made sure that he let on that he had conned me by insisting that I please call him. Of course this was not accidental or stupid, as he is VERY shrewd con man and knows exactly how to steal and get away with it.
Now I know that was up against a convicted felon, class B and class D — identity theft and larceny and 2nd degree trover and on probation as I was dating him, and got arrested the DAY after he talked to me on the phone for driving fast, using cell, while on suspension.
He has told me before that everything he owns is in his daughter’s name. I had wondered what he was evading, and now I know. He’d always pay cash, and I laughed and joked that he was LIKE a gangster, now I know he WAS one. He’s make jokes about having an excavator and burying my dance partner 10 feet deep if he tried anything funny, now I know he could do that, and that he’s somehow involved with a huge waste disposal company here, and their trucks and drivers.
SociopathsSuck — this is what I am worried about in court. Knowing what I know now about his criminal record and what he is capable of, I may feel real FEAR overcome me in court. He is someone who practically lives in the courts. He’s bragged about how a judge said “case dismissed” to some woman who sued him over a car accident, and how he threatened the insurance co. he’d SUE THEM for a $mill if they settled. He’s been sentenced to 5 yr and 10 yr jail sentences, neither of which he ever had to serve, the execution of both was suspended. HOW? He has a lawyer representing him who obviously knows how to work the rules.
I don’t know that in the end having a day in court will relieve my hurt, it may only keep me enslaved to this evil muck of sleeze longer instead of moving on and skipping in the sunshine.
The bad part is that I have NO written proof of anything at all. He had me sign a blank bill of sale, he could have put in anything he wanted after, and he gave me cash, he could lie about the amount. I have NO evidence at all. He just has a criminal record, and I do not, so maybe his credibility will be shot because of that, and the police incident recorded while my car was in his possession.
Thank you. DW
Hi DW, it’s a hard call to make, for sure. I struggled with it for quite a while. I was also scared of the ex-spath. He has been in prison for most of his adult life for assault, armed robbery and trafficking (of course I didn’t know about it). He is a violent guy and I wouldn’t put anything past him. The thing that swayed me to go for it was that he had NO real power…no money, no real friends, no family here, couldn’t keep a job or even a car or a home. and I had proof that he deliberately mislead me. He is one of those sociopaths who will do themselves in eventually. Actually we met in 2007 and he hasn’t been in jail since…I ‘changed’ his life…bahahahaha! whatever! He just got better at not getting caught!
Going to court against one of these people isn’t easy. We have a child together unfortunately, so we still have contact. He has threatened me continuously and calls the police on me regularly in attempts to intimidate me. He even made up a story and had me arrested when we first split…the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence but still, I was traumatized by that. Speaking truthfully, between 4 court cases and his continuous threats, I almost had a nervous breakdown last summer. But I don’t regret taking him to court…I had to.
You need to weigh the alternatives, I think. how much was the car worth? Is it worth going up against him? I think proof is a big factor because not only will this guy lie but he may have minions who will also lie on his behalf…it’s disgusting. That’s how my ex got unsupervised access to my then 3 yr old…had his buddies testify what a great guy he was. You need to decide if it’s better for YOU to cut your losses or to fight…and if you choose fight, be prepared for an unfair battle, especially if he has a lawyer and you have no proof. 🙁
Regarding the criminal record, I was told that my ex’s criminal record didn’t matter unless it was recent…can you believe that? A lifetime of criminal activity, drug use, mental issues didn’t matter when it came to him having access to a toddler….GRRRRRRR.
SociopathsSuck, sorry to know about your struggles and that there is connection still through your child. That’s difficult.
A DMV lawyer told me they could do nothing about my complaint re. his sale of my car as they had no hard evidence. The signature on the bill of sale matched my signature, and there is no evidence that he coerced me into doing anything.
I am afraid that a small claims judge may say the same?
The cop I told this too told me the same–that if I took money and signed a bill of sale, then I entered into an agreement, whether it was ethical or not doesn’t matter. I agreed, and so he did nothing criminal.
I am stubborn, though.
I have SOME evidence:
I have the cop’s voice mail about my car being involved in mischief on a given date, after the spath declared it un-drivable; and I will get the police report of this.
I will ask the woman from the organization that was to pick up my car for an email stating they never picked up my car–I think she will do it as she remembers and has notes.
I will get a copy of my cancelled title and the bill of sale to prove I intended to sign over the car to someone else and that he illegally took it off his premises.
The DMV woman told me that HIS signature was on the title from the organization that never got it, AS IF HE was them and was signing it over. This is false. Once I have this, it shows he forged the document.
And the convictions about car thefts and taking cars w/o permission just give a history of same actions undermining his credibility and boosting mine that I’m not lying.
I can also email the school teacher asking him to email me that he never spoke to spath or got my car. I have a diary entry when I wrote that he said the school had already issued a state check which was false.
If none of this works, I tried. At least I can make it hard for him.
I got the court papers returned because of a tiny error, not putting the date when I checked that his address is correct. ARRGH I have to serve the paper to him a second time and get it written all over again, but I swear I will do it.
I don’t want to give up. I am too angry just not to stand up to him on principle.
He is on 2 yr probation for a one-year jail sentence for “2nd degree trover” which is taking someone’s car, and was arrested again on 5/3, just sentenced for that on 5/28. I believe this arrest broke his probation, no? Being sued in small claims cannot possibly help, so I am not letting it go.
Do you happen to know how I may find out if he is married or divorced? He said he’s divorced twice. His supposed ex wife–through his FB page–still uses a hyphenate last name, and has him in family photos as of 2010, smiling big serving him food.
I hope I can keep you posted on progress. I want to pursue this. I am angry. Hard part is accepting I let a criminal in my home, in my personal life, let him meet my kid.
DW
You go girl! Tawanda….
DW, wow, sounds like you have enough proof! Are you able to get copies of the charges or court judgement? I know here you can go to the court registry and get a copy of criminal case files…then you could submit it as evidence in your trial.
I don’t know how you’d find out whether someone is married or not. I know if it was me, when I split from my husband, I sure wouldn’t be FB friends with him…lol. That sounds fishy for sure. I had to do a bit of ‘spying’ over the last 2.5 yrs too so maybe that’s an option for you. Be your own detective and check it out. It’s amazing what you can find online…good ole google searches. My ex kept claiming he wasn’t working so I took my video recorder and followed him one morning. Within 30 minutes I had exactly what I needed! LOL He never dreamed I’d actually do that. I keep fairly close tabs on him..where he lives, where he’s working etc…IF I can. It makes me feel safer and figure it will help me in court when we go back.
I know how you feel about being angry and duped. But know that getting taken by him wasn’t YOUR fault. These freaks are good at what they do and they prey on good, trusting people like us. Just because we’re nice people doesn’t mean we won’t fight for what’s right, if we’re able to. GO GET HIM! 🙂 keep me updated! I’ll help any way I can.
SS
Thanks SociopathsSuck. Really glad I have a lot of evidence. No HARD evidence of what transaction took place verbally; what agreement was made; how; or that he lied. It’s all mostly based on what I say.
Fedexed the court form to get him served tomorrow; then I’ll file the rest with court a 2nd time.
I am nervous in anticipation of confronting him in court and just being in his physical vicinity. Not sure who to try to bring with me.
I am wondering when you separated from your ex husband what did you do to keep him out emotionally–like, memories of romantic times/courtship. Like a memory will pop in my mind how he’d tell a story about a cartoon character Pepe LePew and have a hearty laugh that that’s him, and get TEARS in his eyes from laughter. I thought he was so sincere and charming.
Will report back. DW
He won’t have any hard evidence either so you should be on a level playing field there. 🙂
I always took/take someone to court with me. I am NEVER alone with that man. I will not ever give him the chance to set me up again. My mom hasn’t missed one court date and if she couldn’t come one of my sons would. and now my bf comes to every one. Not just for moral support but for witnesses in case he decides to threaten or call names etc. Last year he was getting frisked every time we had court…it was awesome!
I never had a problem cutting this man out of my life. It had been coming for a long time. Just after I had ‘our’ son, I discovered that he had been emailing another woman that he used to date, making out like he was single and wanting to ‘hook up’…he sent those emails while I was in the hospital having HIS baby…that wasn’t supposed to be possible, btw. He tried to explain it away but my radar was on big time after that. I started looking for proof that he was lying and cheating but I couldn’t find any! It was so frustrating because I knew in my heart something wasn’t right. I also didn’t want to do something rash without solid proof. I was so ready to be done with him way sooner but I stuck it out until I got proof…for my son. It took me 1.5 yrs..lol and damn, what I found out blew me right out of the water. I never missed that f’er for ONE minute when I kicked him out. I was scared, angry, disgusted. for me, knowing that he’s a sociopath, that it’s not personal, that it’s just something ‘they’ do made it easy for me to let go of any feelings I had left for him. That man put me through hell but I never missed him or wanted him back…not once.
SpathsSuck, good for you. And I am sorry you had to go through such anguish.
I made a mistake on the suit papers (forgot to enter a date for something!), so had to serve papers to him again today. FedEx did NOT deliver; I called, they tell me the package was refused by “Junior.” You know, his DOG’s name is Junior, and he knows I know. He’s is a one man shop — he’s the only one there, so there is no “Junior.”
FedEx tells me to call him to accept the package, and only if I can guarantee it will be accepted they’ll make another delivery attempt. The first one was delivered because it did not have my name as a sender, but an the FedEx store’s name, but this office did not have the ability to print a label so I had to put my name, and he refused it.
Infuriating. I would have to spend extra money on a marshal to serve him to ensure he can’t refuse. Pig.
DW
So aggravating! Stupid man! Does he live close to you? could you get a friend to serve him? Here it can be anyone over 19 besides me that serves him. I have two older boys, 22 and 20, and I gotta tell ya, the 22 year old LOVES serving him!! LOL He hates the ex with a passion and totally enjoys handing him court docs. It’s awesome. Most of the time we have no idea where he’s living but the day that I try to serve him, we just happen to find him. It’s the weirdest thing. 🙂
I have court on June 13th again…he gets to explain why he hasn’t paid me a cent on my judgements against him. He says he’s going to declare bankruptcy. The judge won’t believe him until he SEES the paperwork…and I’m sure it doesn’t exist. He just loves to stall stuff…good thing I don’t mind spending time at the court house. My boss is awesome. She knows what I’m dealing with and told me to go and never worry about my job. Thank goodness for her support.
SPathsSUCK, good that your boss is supportive and great that your sons have no reservation about helping you. Courts here are so so picky about proof of delivery–it has to be really formal and really full proof that the a$$hole received papers. No, just a regular guy can’t serve docs. Must be official marshal, and they must sign that they gave the papers without a shadow of a doubt.
Inquired with TWO marshals today on phone. When I told them where the business was, BOTH OF THEM made this rolling eyes chuckle and “Aahhh THAT guy.” The 2nd marshal told me he’s served him many times before.
If I could only see him when he has to take the envelope. I am tempted to find a cute envelope with hearts and kisses on it, or even an envelope with pictures of the type of dog he has — since he gave dog’s name when he refused package. Idiot.
Will report when mission accomplished.
DW
Good luck! The cutesy envelope would be hilarious…hahaha! How sad that the marshalls are that familiar with him. Same story with my ex. Almost every cop I’ve ever dealt with in the last 2.5 years knows exactly who he is. I use a scanner sometimes and hear his name on it regularly for stupid stuff. The last time he was in a motel with a woman and was asked to leave after the checkout time at 11am and he flipped out and they called the cops. Apparently the girl he was with was freaked right out so the cops hunted her down to talk to her…but people are usually to scared of him to say anything bad. I sure wish SOMEONE besides me would step forward…maybe we could put him back in jail where he belongs.
I’m in Canada so not sure how it works in the US (Assuming that’s where you are) but can you go to the court registry and do a search on his name? There might be more to find out that you could use…maybe you’ve already done that. sounds like you’re pretty good at this private eye stuff…lol Here, in my province, you can look online and see all civil, small claims and criminal cases…you can get the details for $6. except for family court..those ones can’t be seen without consent from one of the parties involved.
SociopahtsSuck,
I can’t get the police report from when someone (he?) took my car from his shop and did some mischief with it and cops called me as it had my plates on and registered to me. The officer who called me is on medical leave and no info from him. New officer (looks like a 12 yr old) took over the case, but can’t get any info because the spath lies. So then no report can be released for me to bring to court since it’s still under investigation.
Today the cop called me to say spath said that my car was picked up by the charity that I signed over the title to, but cancelled when he swiped my car off his lot. He pretended he was the charity and sold HIMSELF the car, from what the DMV told me by looking at titles. DMV wouldn’t reveal too much info to me, but I paid to get a copy of the cancelled title and the bill of sale so I can see what signatures are on them.
I told the cop he’s lying and the company never received my car, and I have an email to prove it, and the company has a record of my VIN. So now cop will go back to the spath saying, what up, you lyin.
Ridiculous waste of time.
I gave the marshal the papers today. He was very picky about the EXACT business name on the form and said I had to include “LLC” and I told him I checked the box “LLC” and he got mad and said look lady do you want me to help you or not, the court will reject it if the name is not exactly right. So fingers crossed that he knows what he’s doing, and that he will find the ar$$ehole and serve him very soon. Hopefully at the same time that the cop shows up at his door.
I have not done any sleuthing on the civil cases, but I did look up through the judicial sit his criminal record–felonies of serious degree, identity theft benefiting $10,000+, larceny, taking car w/o permission. The weirdest was that he got arrested the DAY AFTER I talked to him on the phone when he revealed this scheme to me.
SociopathsSuck — how was I DATING a man like this and not a clue I was kissing a CONVICTED FELON? How did my intuition not warm me this was a BAD man?
Well…it did. When weird comments started flying, I had real doubts, but then I sat there and waited for more. He’d say “I’ll drown you and the pool boy” after I made a pool boy joke; or to tell my dance partner “He had an excavator and will bury him 10′ deep if he tries anything funny” –COme to think, he DOES have such equipment and he is in the business of trucking and waste disposal and limos…and all of it shady.
He also told me about a “friend” whose wife owns a strip joint, and he’d give rides to the strippers, who he says are just girls, from Russia. And I said won’t you report it, it’s ILLEGAL? He says (lies) he just stopped giving them rides.
When I locked myself out of my house once, I called firemen to help me. He offered to come so firemen wouldn’t break a window. I said but what would HE do? He said he’d jimmy the lock! And I was not worried about HOW he knew how to do this?
There’s more. He keeps track of his 21-yr-old daughter’s periods. He said he has to call her to remind her on the 21st. My jaw dropped, but I was just listening to find out more weirdness. She comes home from college and sometimes will call to him in the middle of the night, “Daddy I had an accident”, meaning her period. She sleeps in his bed, while he sleeps on the couch, he tells me. That was the last straw when I had to just RUN. What father keeps track and reminds his daughter at age 21 about their periods???
Anyhow…thanks for humoring the rant. I can’t wait to hear back from marshal that he’s been served. Then on to the “mano e mano” battle.
Meanwhile, please do tell me any other tips or suggestions. If you are comfortable, I’d like to exchange email addresses to communicate, and if not this has been very supportive, thank you.
DW
DW, I ask myself those questions too…how was I dating a man like this…hell, it was 3.5 years and I had his kid (although I still had NO idea who/what he was until after my son was born). Why didn’t I see it? I am too nice, trusting and didn’t think that anyone would LIE to me like he did. I had no idea people like this existed. now I know better. 😉 I didn’t do anything to deserve what I got besides being a loving, caring person.
The stripper thing makes me laugh! My ex told me this story one day about how a hooker saw him driving down the street in MY truck and when he slowed down she just ‘hopped in’. He says he told her to get the f out. Later when I found out what he was and heard lots of stories, I found out he was fooling around with prostitutes regularly. I think he told me that story just in case someone told me they saw him pick up a hooker…he was covering his bases. LOL I found women’s mitts in my truck after I kicked him out…he insisted they belonged to his buddie’s gf…yeah right! 5 different people told me about the hookers AFTER I gave him the boot. How do you not tell someone something like that?? grrrrr needless to say I will never speak to any of them again. 🙂
That period thing, that’s just WEIRD. WTF?? I wonder if he’s abusing her?? and she sleeps in his bed?? he sounds like a pedophile. I have found that sometimes there is a tiny bit of truth in the things they say – like her sleeping in his bed is likely the truth but him sleeping on the couch isn’t. I don’t think any sentence that comes out of their mouths is ever ALL the truth. lol
I’m totally willing to exchange emails. 🙂 It’s nice to have someone who is going through what I am with all this court stuff. I’m not sure how we can do it…maybe through Donna?? I have court again this Thursday. and the guy that used to supervise his access tickets is going to trial on the 27th for uttering threats etc. I’m going to the trial to get proof that if/when my ex needs supervision put back on, that the ex NOT be allowed to choose a supervisor considering who he picked last time. the ex hangs out with gang members and has this winner as a supervisor..ugh! and there was NOTHING I could do. this guy was just like him…sick and twisted and a lying piece of crap…and he was actually the one who got my ex the unsupervised access. The ex says this guy is sitting in jail until trial on the 27th. I hope he rots there…and I wish the ex was with him…LOL
SociopathsSuck,
Thinking about your court day Thursday sending good vibes to keep supervisor away.
Still no news of guy being served which is making me antsy. Should I call marshal or just let it be.
DW
Hi SociopathsSuck,
Good luck on Thursday getting proof about the “supervisor”. So sorry you have to do so much work to keep your ex at bay. The justice system has big holes and bad guys navigate around them seamlessly.
No news from marshal re. serving him yet (since Fri).
Yes, you are right about everything being a lie. I have never thought it possible. Once he texted some annoying things, and when I called him on it, he twisted the story by changing the pronoun from “you” to “me,” and how quickly he comes up with an escape when being called out, and then he said that he has big fingers and he makes typos, and wasn’t the first time he got in trouble with texting. Wow.
I never had the chance to meet his daughter, but I feel sorry. I do think there is sexual abuse for sure. He claimed that he worked late hours starting a business (i.e. robbery, fraud, human trafficking, extortion, mafia?) and would get home late, so he’d read his daughter a story till she fell asleep when she was little, and then he’d stay and sleep on the floor of her room. (I am scratching my head, what? why would he not sleep with his wife, every night?) He did this for years, till he divorced as the girl turned 10. The main thing in the divorce for him was that he have unrestricted access to the daughter. Hmmm
I cynically thought in my head that she is his surrogate wife, but actually, that is probably what he made her to be — he keeps her dependent on him financially, he is a powerful emotional manipulator, and if she was brainwashed or worse since a young age, it would be hard for her to break free from him. He used to cancel a date with me regularly at the drop of a hat because his “princess” called him to go shopping or wanted him to hop in the car on the spot and drive to the next state at her college.
No mother tracks girls’ periods at 21, not to mention a father.
And when you say there is a piece of truth in what they say–he said that the main thing in picking a college for her was that dorms were not co-ed. He said there is no way he’d let her be in a dorm where a boy could just swipe the key to get in, and that he worried about her getting molested. I said, “why would you assume the worst of people?” He said strongly, “You HAVE TO when you have a female child!”
Yes Donna may connect us. 🙂
DW
Hi DW! That whole ‘daughter’ situation still sounds so weird. These creatures are so strange!
so update on the psycho ex. He was to have visitation on Wednesday from 5-8pm. he never showed, never texted or called to cancel. I left after waiting for him for 10 min. (I’ve done that in the past and he’s called the cops on me but I have ever right to do it). so court was today and he never showed!!! It’s for a payment hearing on my small claims cases…the judge issued a bench warrant!!! I’m so excited…LOL YAY!!! He is going to be livid but it’s no one’s fault but his. I just wish I could SEE them arrest him!! 🙂 so even if he goes bankrupt, getting a bench warrant was worth the time and stress even if I never see a cent…hahaha! 🙂 for him to miss both things…makes me wonder if he isn’t already in jail…one can wish! 🙂
Hi SociopathsSuck. YAY! Wow! Good for the judge not to mess around. I am so grateful for you.
Good job being persistent. I feel good to know that legal action came through for you.
How would you find out if he is in jail — and would it be for this or something else?
WOW, so great. High five.
DW
SociopathsSuck – terrific! They should all receive some comeuppance.
SociopathsSuck,
I have proof that he forged the title. He forged my signature on the bill of sale. He forged that the company bought the car from me and signed his name as though representing this company. I have their email stating that pick up was cancelled and they never got my car.
I don’t know if this type of title forgery is considered criminal/felony. I left a message for the cop. Cop had just called me last week to tell me he talked to sociopath, and SP said that company X took the car. I told the cop he’s lying. Only I did not have the evidence of the forged title then.
DW
Thanks Ladies! I was a VERY happy girl! lol It felt like I got a little justice that day. 🙂
Did they serve him yet, DW? your case sounds so interesting! I can’t wait to hear what happens.
I’m patiently waiting for the police to pick up my ex so I can have a new court date. It’s so hard because he takes my son twice a week normally (which I hate) and I could let them know when to be here but I don’t want my son to witness him being arrested because it won’t be pretty. He’ll scream and cry and carry on like a maniac. He says he’s leaving town tomorrow for 3 weeks for work though so that is going to hold things up..if it’s true. I’ve asked him for his home address twice and he won’t tell me..LOL…darn it! but I won’t let him have my son again until I know where he lives. It’s written in the order that he has to tell me the address of where he’s taking my son for EVERY visit and he didn’t do that last time, so I can re-invoke supervision if he doesn’t comply.
I’m really looking forward to the June 27th trial of his ex-partner in crime. that should be a gong show. I kinda figured the ex would be involved but if he’s really out of town on that date, he won’t be there. either way, it’ll be interesting!
Hi SociopathsSuck,
I admire your stamina and persistence in following the letter of the law. Very interesting form of control and secrecy about a simple thing like the address.
I want to tell you that the sociopath has divorce trial next Tue. I want to go. I just don’t know HOW to do it. He’ll definitely see me as these are small courtrooms. I want to see his wife. I want to hear her complaints against him. I want to watch how he behaves in court. And I want him to know that I know that he was married and hope to rattle him by showing up. Any ides how to rattle him the most?
I can’t find friends to come with me yet so may chicken out to go alone. What should I wear? Should I try a disguise, or let him see me openly?
I may go to the court tomorrow to see if I can find out what room the trial will be in and scope out the setting. Trial is at 10. I could get there early, and just sit in the trial room with a baseball hat, incognito. Try to approach his wife and ask if I can help her in any way.
The address he gave me where he lived (never let me go there as supposed “uncle” lived with him) is listed as HER address at the court/trial page. His is a different address. I am curious if they lived together while divorcing, and while he was going out with me and SHE was the uncle.
I will ponder over the weekend if I’ll go, but I really want to SEE him in action in court. And I would so want to rattle him. Maybe hold up a large poster sign with the word “THIEF” or “ADULTERER” on it when he goes on the stand.
He was served yesterday.
yeah, I think you need to weigh the pros and cons of going for sure. Will it upset you more than it’s worth? Will going help or hinder your recovery? Will it help your case against him? If it might, and you think you can handle it, then go. If you do go, don’t say anything in the courtroom…not to him or her. If you’re going to talk to her do it outside. I go to everything regarding my ex because I have a child to protect and I will use whatever I can to do that. I’ve been out of the relationship for almost 3 yrs too though so I have recovered from what he did to me. I NEVER go to court alone. I won’t give him the chance to corner me or threaten me.
I don’t know how I’d handle the ex-wife. If you go, maybe see how it goes and judge for yourself if you can help her. I know if it were me in that courtroom I would be so excited to have someone who understands and could back me up…but unfortunately it’s never happened for me. and yeah, I’m sure she was the ‘uncle’. They will say anything to get what they want.
As for rattling him, it’s hard to say if anything really rattles them. I know my ex got very agitated when I told him I talked to his ex-wife and his Dad. He ordered my lawyer to order me to stop all contact with anyone he knows. Their biggest fear is being found out..haha! Of course he claimed that everything she said was a lie…funny coming from him. I contacted her and she told me everything! and thank God she did. He was very worried about the 2 of us going up against him and I would have done that but she wasn’t so sure. He beat her up pretty badly and she’s scared of him…rightly so. I was probably the ONLY woman he never laid a hand on.
Let me know what you decide….tough call. ps. if you go, show NO emotion towards him. Ignore him like the insignificant gnat that he is. Don’t let him corner you. Don’t talk to him.
SpathsSuck,
I have nothing to gain by going aside from satisfying my curiosity about how he behaves with a judge, in a courtroom, and how he treats the ex. I do believe it would hurt me to see that he was indeed married while deceiving me about the nature of the relationship with me. So being there would only reinforce the fact that I was lied to and used, i.e. further hurt me. I would risk the possibility of his seeing & recognizing me, and thus gloating over the fact that I am still investing my time and attention on HIM.
Even if I see the truth of who he is, and how he behaves, will not lessen my hurt because it won’t take away the wrong.
I am glad that with time I have come to my senses about cost/benefit. It is hard to let go, but there is nothing good to hold on to. My “revenge” is moving on and building myself up, and doing nourishing things for myself, not willingly dragging myself in his corrupt nasty muck.
I actually pictured myself in that courtroom, during HIS divorce, HIS mess, HIS ex, HIS life. And I’m thinking, what the heck is wrong with me? It is none of my business, nothing to do with me, no help to me. I ended the relationship — for a good reason — before I knew he had conned me. Learning of the pre-existing deception that I was clueless about BEFORE I broke up with him, does not change the fact that I no longer wanted to share my life with him at all, so why would I change that fact?
I feel happy and at peace with the very sane decision to let him live his chaotic corrupt life however he wants to and be happy he cannot touch my life in any way anymore. Halelujah!
DW
Good for you, DW! 🙂 I think you made a wise decision!
I wish I could move on and NEVER have to deal with the ex-spath again. I will only be free when he’s dead because we share a child. He has other targets right now so the focus is off of me for the time being, thank goodness, but I still have to deal with him on a regular basis and I hate it. He has really gone downhill since I gave him the boot though – lost 50 lbs from doing drugs, lost a couple teeth, lots of his hair fell out and he’s all grey now…he looks like a greasy little crack-head now…ugh! Eventually his lifestyle will catch up with him but it will never soon enough for me…lol
I thought I had 3 weeks of freedom from the fool because he said he was going out of town for work. Guess who showed up at my bf’s door at 9:00am Sunday morning to take my son?! I coulda choked him. LOL
Hi SpathsSuck,
I understand what you are saying about not being free till he is dead because he is the father of your child who is still very young.
The divorce trial came and went yesterday.
I guess the hard part for me is dealing with my hurt and anger — without any contact with the man.
The disbilief is still with me, “How could he do that?” How could he look and sound so sincere?
Waiting to hear back from small claims court, and feeling nervous/scared anticipating the confrontation before a judge.
In retrospect, there were SO MANY times in the short period of dating that he twisted the truth, lied, manipulated, and weaseled out of lies on the spot, and each time I swallowed the lies. He’d twist the words, change the pronouns of “you” to “me” to make something upsetting sound better, excused the bad text messages by his big fingers that make him have typos texting, and when all failed, used his snake-like charm to keep me on the hook. I even broke up with him over the phone once when he changed plans last minute, and he begged to talk to me a whole week, then brought flowers and chocolates, dressed in pressed pants and a white shirt, and acted so sheepish, and admitted he was wrong, and asked “for another chance” — and looking back ALL OF IT was pretend and a game.
The bitter taste leaves me feeling so helpless. Confused about how to see a positive outcome in this. It is not a comfort to say “it could have been worse.”
DW