Editor’s note: Joyce M. Short is the author of a soon to be released book, “Carnal Abusive Deceit When a Predator’s Lies Become Rape.” The book chronicles her life with a predator, the subsequent aftermath and her road to recovery. It also provides advice for victims and their supporters, and discusses the issues surrounding criminalization of rape-by-fraud. Joyce lives in New York City, where she’s a real estate broker, professional tennis instructor and a strong advocate for her community.
A Predator’s “Mark” Often Struggles to Overcome Rape-by-Fraud or Emotional Rape
By Joyce M. Short
I was hoodwinked by a charlatan. It was not until I found the appropriate terms to express what I’d experienced that I actually began to feel relief. He lied about everything ”¦ his age, his education, his marital status, military service and more. The man who seduced me, who I came to adore, was nothing but a charade.
Once I learned of his treachery, it took years to mend. It was complicated by the fact that we had a child together. As I struggled through his physical and financial abandonment, depression and the sense of defilement that resulted from his wrongdoing, I finally determined to write a book about it. Doing so enabled me to put the facts and his behavior into context. Beforehand, they were jarring memories loosely floating through my consciousness and disturbing my peace. While purposeless rumination and a sense of deprivation were eating me alive, he skipped along on his way to an affluent, secure life. My determination to write the book renewed my sense of power, which had been stripped away by his debasing actions.
Writing my story
Writing is a process, and writing about one’s painful past is fraught with starts, stops and detours. Facing the most painful memories can erode one’s spirit as we relive the actions that caused us so much grief. As I continued writing, I attempted to convey how “raped” I felt at his hands. I coined what I thought was my own invention for describing his impact, “emotionally raped.” I decided to take a look on the Internet and see if it was a term that was in common usage.
Before I completed typing all the letters, the words, “emotional rape” sprang up, denoting that the term actually existed in techno space. Before me lay several options to chose from. I was overwhelmed. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I had to take a few minutes to collect myself before I could continue. Just the validation alone that what I felt was an actual, identifiable occurrence that someone, somewhere in the universe knew about was mind blowing.
Rape-by-fraud
I’ve continued researching and writing since then. Today I understand that when someone pretends to be a person they are not in order to induce you to have sex with them, they are committing the crime of rape-by-fraud. When they deceive you about their character in order to cause you to feel a loving bond with them, they are committing emotional rape. They are defrauding you of your highest emotion, which is love.
Unfortunately, the crime of rape-by-fraud is only punishable in a number of states: California, Massachusetts and Tennessee. Emotional rape is not punishable anywhere.
If you felt raped at the hands of a predator who lied to you, but were not physically overcome, now you know why. Rape by duping someone is as much a means to circumvent your opposition as doping would be. Doping a victim to engage in sex is widely known as “date rape” and punishable by law. The act of sex does not have to hurt you physically in order to hurt you emotionally. The trauma and confusion to victims increases with the length of time that sex with the imposter continues.
Just as doctors can’t prescribe cures until the illness is known, victims of rape-by-fraud and emotional rape have a difficult time recovering from something they don’t recognize or understand. Once a person knows what they are dealing with, they can take the necessary steps to heal themselves.
P.S.
SociopathsSuck,
You know the divorce trial I though of attending?
I checked the outcome of it.
“withdrawal of action by plaintiff”
I believe that after he did not have the next woman lined up to use (ME!), he convinced his ex wife not to leave him. The fact that she listed the address that he had given me as his, makes me think that they lived together when he was dating me, and why he would not let me visit him.
Why do I still feel SO BAD though it’s all over, and I have nothing to do with him anymore, and though I was the one to break up with him (though I did not know he was a sociopath then, just that I did not want to be with him anymore)? Why am I not relieved and happy that I am rid of him for good? Is it because I feel he used me, and tricked me, and he “wins”?
🙁
DW
awww DW. I’m sorry that you’re struggling so much. I think it’s just going to take time to wrap your head around all this. It is hard to understand how someone can act like they do..for me, I never knew that people like this existed and I also believed what he told me because I didn’t know any better. I knew that “I” would never lie to someone like that and expected that anyone that I was involved with would be the same. ha! I found that once I understood what I was dealing with and that our whole relationship was ‘fake’ and that it’s a mental disorder, it made it easier for me to deal with. What they do isn’t personal…it’s just what they do. This is all still fresh for you. In time, you’ll be able to detach like I have and will consider him nothing more significant than an annoying gnat.
I went to court today to watch the ex access supervisor’s trial. my ex has been saying that they aren’t friends anymore and that he’s friends with his ex-wife only, yet he showed up! Imagine the ex’s surprise when he saw me and my mom sitting in that courtroom!! LOL he sent a text to my bf saying that I must not have anything better to do with my time than to watch what happens to others. then he said he’ll bet the farm that I will somehow use what his friend has done to make HIM out to be a bad father. he says that after 3 years he thought I would have a better way to spend my time rather than looking for ways to screw him around…haha! so he took my being there as a direct assault on HIM…makes me laugh. everything is always about him. they ended up adjourning it to another day so I’ll have to go again but I NEED to hear what this guy is going to say. My ex is still taking my son around these people every time he has him! It IS my business whether he likes it or not and I will do everything I can to protect my child from people like them.
ps. they may ‘win’ here and there but in the end they’ll get what’s coming to them. You miss what he ‘pretended’ to be when things were good…it wasn’t real. He wasn’t real. He is nothing but a POS like they all are. 🙂 *hugs* sista!
SociopathsSuck,
Got a court paper. He has to answer my complaint in 2 wks. I am nervous. He has a lawyer that has gotten him out of criminal stuff and 5&10yr jail sentences.
What triggered me big time was the cop’s report. He quoted SP saying that he ended a dating rel. w/me so I was taking it out by going to the police. Cop misquoted me too from a phone conversation.
Three cops switched on this complaint. #1 got fired (I didn’t know he was in news), #2 has a relative who is RELATED to SP so he can’t investigate, #3 swept things under the rug and convinced me nothing can be proved, sorry, it’s unfortunate, just forget it.
I went to their boss saying how is it that forgery is legal? I think I can complain against the cops for turning a blind eye. I have the copy of the doc. he forged; the false statement he gave cop #2 that the people on forged title took the car — isn’t that in itself proof of intent to deceive? And I see my signature isn’t mine–I can show lots of docs how I sign; and I have written statement from the people who are written on false title but never actually bought the car. Cop #3 pooh poohed this as no evidence and his word against mine.
I am SCARED to talk to the cop bec. I lack the legal knowledge and feel I just give them more info to feed SP so he can then lie better and weasel out of the situation.
Wish me luck. I don’t know how he will “answer” the court. Scared of confronting him in person.
DW
That facts should speak for themselves. It’s weird how some men like to ‘stick together’ like it’s just a scorned woman complaining and they don’t need to take it seriously. Makes me so mad!
His response will probably be filled with lies, so prepare yourself for that. All of my ex’s responses were ridiculous….lol. He insisted I was just vindictive because he left me and he didn’t owe me a cent. Then I got judgements against him for $65000…so who was lying? Don’t worry about his response..in fact, see if there’s something in there that you can use against him! haha! My ex gave me more ammo in his affidavits and notices of motion because he thought he was invincible and EVERYONE would just believe every word he said…it’s laughable. Your ex’s ego will probably do him in too at some point. 🙂 Don’t be scared. You have proof!
Hi SpathsSUCK,
You know, it’s encouraging to hear you able to laugh about the ridiculous, and exaggerated, and laughable behaviors of these guys. I am not there yet.
I am so happy that you got these judgments against him. Great job. 🙂
I would not call this excuse of a human “my ex” — dated him 3 months too long and he is too much of a bottom feeder to even earn the title of an “ex” LOL 🙂
So get this. The cop who told me to come at 7AM bring forged papers was not there!
I want to tell you that I went to the police in a different town than where he lives and where I made the complaint. They instantly confirmed and jumped on the fact that what I have is evidence of forgery. The other town has tried to convince me to the contrary, and I am still scrambling my way uphill to get to the cops’ boss, and even he goes hiding out of his office when he made an appointment for me to come! Talk about boys’ club.
I know something is horribly fishy now that I know the spath has a family member related to a cop family member. So how do I get justice? This man hasn’t served any jail time — how? He’s sentenced to 5, 10, and 2 year time and all postponed. WTF?
I am sending a letter to the cop boss and the station’s chief as a cc asking they take action on the forgery issue. If they don’t, I will pursue it further till I get someone to act.
The thing is, SpathsSUCK, with this title being forged, if whoever has my car, which is some chick in the town where creep lives cops found out, if they kill someone with that car or commit some crime and the real title does not exist–then it comes to the original owner–ME!!–and becomes my responsibility. TWO cops told me this.
I need to go and meditate. Thank you for your support.
I am jealous how tough and unperturbed you sound about the problem ex.
DW
Hi DW! How goes the battle? Holding up ok?
As for me being tough, that comes with time. Once I understood what he was and what was happening, it made it easier to cope and now I find him rather pathetic…and the things he does are laughable because he’s so stupid!
We had a little incident recently where Social Services was called on the ex. They came out on Friday and talked to my little guy about it. They advised me to keep going to court with all my documentation. They’ve tried to call him to tell him his behaviour was unacceptable and of course, he won’t return their calls. LOL ( my son wasn’t hurt…the ex just did something very irresponsible with him). They haven’t picked him up on the warrant yet either…apparently the court sheriffs get the pleasure of doing that. Good thing they all know him. 🙂 He still won’t tell me where he lives….I think he might be worried someone might find him. Haha! Plus today he was limping pretty bad..said he hurt his hip. It’s a horrible thing to say but I’m going to say it anyways….HA! He deserves it! 🙂
Hi SociopathsSuck,
Good to hear from you and glad that the authorities are following up especially to protect your son from. You are vigilant and unstoppable, good for you.
It’s a horrible thing to say for a normal person who has a conscience, but for these individuals that don’t car how they use, abuse, and hurt people, and even ENJOY it because they get the upper hand by exploiting others, no, it’s not a horrible thing to say. I am with you 100%.
Today is last day he has to answer my suit (in writing he has to mail it to me and court) after that if he does not, I need to prove to court that he’s not in the military and then the court proceeds with a trial w/o him I guess.
The forgery papers are with the police as of last Mon — don’t know what the capt. will do and when. I want him to strike out the cop’s comment about the “ending a dating relationship” — wonder if you know if they’d do that, and if it really matters in the end. He’s a creep and uses tactics to deflect attention from himself when he knows people are on his trail, and so he throws off the pursuer by having them think I am the insane one–it bothers me the cop would actually put that in writing. What would you do?
I have surgery tomorrow (same day out) and want to stay positive for my own healing and not let in upsetting thoughts.
The result is out of my hands — send positive thoughts to the legal system that they will see through his horrible nature.
DW
Hi DW! Ohh I wonder if he’ll reply. Are you able to prove that he’s not military? and why do you have to do that? was he claiming to the court that he was in the military?
I don’t think the ‘ending a dating relationship’ thing really matters. If the judge cares he’ll ask you how long the relationship was and you can just tell him it was 3 months and say something to the effect that it was ‘insignificant’ (even if it really wasn’t). Don’t let that creep make you out to just be some vindictive, jilted ex-lover who’s just bent on revenge. Just stick to the facts about the forgery and stealing your car and you’ll be fine…make the ‘relationship’ part irrelevant if you can.
Good luck with your surgery! and yes, staying positive is important. Take care of YOU.
I hope you get some justice! and if not, at least you tried, right? That’s how I always go into court…feeling like at least I tried and didn’t just let the freak get away with screwing someone over again like everyone else seems to do. Be proud of yourself for standing up the a$$hat! lol (my favourite word for describing the ex-spath…a$$hat) 🙂
Hi SS,
How are you?
He did not answer. I’ll keep you posted on the outcome. Keep fingers crossed; magistrate my make a judgment without a hearing based on documents I provided, or have me go and explain the case.
I want him accountable for forgery, which is not a civil matter but criminal. Don’t know what the police will do. It is 2 wks since I left the papers for the police. Should I call or let them handle it?
The court magistrate does not need to see the police report, with the dating reference, unless I choose to show it to him. So I’ll just leave out the police report. Or maybe that last page 😉
Judicial site lists a new court action from wife #2 (who recently withdrew divorce filing remember) who now has child support services representing her in court against him, for child support. I did not know there was a CHILD with wife #2!
I should repeat a mantra, how lucky I am to be rid of him, how lucky I am to have escaped his toxic slime in time, and he just got a car, and not ME.
Right?
DW
I’m good! Busy renovating the house so I can move. 🙂 Big job when you’re also working full time and have a 4 yr old. lol
If he doesn’t show up, they’ll probably put you on the stand and you can show them your evidence and it’ll be easy peasy. I had 2 cases like that where the ex-nutbar knew I had the evidence so he just didn’t show..lol.
Ahh the webs the weave. My ex told me he had ONE child…turns out he has at least 4. They like to procreate unfortunately. I took care of that…I made him get snipped. LOL no more little ones to ruin for that psycho. 🙂
And YES, you are incredibly lucky to be rid of him. Could you imagine having a child with that monster? Trust me, it’s not fun. LOL and if he’s anything like my ex, he’ll never pay child support. Do what you need to in court and then try not to ever think of this loser again….being happy is the best revenge. 🙂
SS
Hi SpathsSuck
Good luck with renovations. Sounds very busy.
I have a court date August 19 for trial. Wish me luck.
I don’t think of him as much, but I still feel anger. I kind of wish for a face to face confrontation to tell him he is a scumbag creep. His wife #1 was ticketed for no registration and insurance–he lent me a car when he took mine without permission under pretense of working on it–I recall checking registration to see if stolen car,, it was registered to her same last name, but don’t recall if it was current then. I could’ve been stopped. He is chaos on wheels I even can say that I hate him.
Fingers crossed in 2 weeks!!!!!!!
DW
Court is getting close for you, DW! anything new going on?
I had court on Wednesday for child support and he showed but also came with his ‘bankruptcy’ papers in hand…that he just got that morning…LOL. It doesn’t wipe out the child support but it might wipe out my other judgements if the trustee doesn’t consider them a result of fraud. Of course I consider it fraud so I’ll push for that. but I went into this not expecting to get anything out of it so if I fail, so be it. 🙂 at least he’s out of my life for the most part.
After court he came to my bf’s house spewing his lies on how he’s changed and how much he loves his son etc etc. He even apologized for misjudging me..what a joke! and almost cried in front of my bf…hahaha. good thing my bf knows a snake when he sees one. He lied several times during his little spiel, but I don’t even say anything because he’ll just deny it anyhow. He’s going out of town for 3 weeks at a time now, he says. I hope he’s telling the truth about that because 3 weeks without him around is heaven for me! 🙂
Hope you’re doing well and make sure to let me know how court goes! 🙂
SS
Hi SociopathsSuck,
Good to hear from you. As hard as it is, you are standing your ground and it shows in his meltdowns. I am happy that you have great support from your boyfriend. I do hope and pray you get the money for your son. And yes, the victory is yours for leaving the madness, and laughing at his antics.
Court is Monday 10AM.
Good luck with collecting the money owed!!
DW
Hey SociopathsSuck,
Trial over. He did not show. Judge was very nice. I had tons of evidence — one paper after another: the letter from school that never got car; letter from woman who gave me a ride and did not see car on his lot; police report; forged title; the company who was to pick up the car stating he’s not employed by them and they never got the car. Judge did not ask many questions and I said only as much as asked.
She made a judgment for the full amount.
Game over.
Thanks for all your support.
DW
That is AWESOME!!! So happy to hear that! It’s nice when we see a little justice, isn’t it? 🙂 Now the enforcement part is probably going to be a little tougher but you know where he works and can probably have his wages garnished if he refuses to pay. 🙂
My court date about child support got adjourned to Oct 9. Also, I’m going to his buddy’s trial on Aug 30 still. I think my small claims cases got wiped out by his bankruptcy but I guess I’ll find all that out when the trustee contacts me. I still cant’ believe a con man can go bankrupt! It’s like giving them a license to steal from people! soooo annoying!
SS
SociopathsSUCK(SO BAD!!),
The idiot is re-opening the case. Maybe I made the mistake of trying to collect the $ through the lawyer from DMV who said there was a bond in his business name and she’d write a check if I got a judgment, BEFORE the due date for him to pay. The lawyer first said, he said he never got any notice from the court (uh huh, served by a marshal); then he called to tell her he’s reopening the case.
Just got the certified mail failed delivery notice, from his business.
This will take at least a month I am guessing to schedule another court hearing. Who knows if he can still stall, or ask for a continuance or something, or bring a lawyer. And this time I have to actually SEE him in court, whereas it was easy last time as he did not show, and I knew he wouldn’t since he didn’t answer in writing.
How do you stay calm and cool as a cucumber when you go to court? I can’t imagine staying calm when I see his horrible face and his horrible smirk, and knowing how he deceived me and still tries to connive and manipulate the system.
Do you think the court is likely to keep the same judgment, or totally change with his spinning gigantic lies and doing a performance in court? It’s a challenge to let him do his shananigans and worry about it when the time comes. Right?
DW
DW, let him reopen the case. It doesn’t change the facts at all. Don’t let him ruffle you. When you see him in court, pretend he’s an insignificant pile of rubbish. Don’t interact with him or look at him or speak to him…and act like going to court doesn’t bother you at all, even if it does. He could be just blowing smoke too.
I know what it’s like to constantly worry about upcoming court dates but I have learned that as long as I have my ducks in a row, I really don’t have much control over much else so I try not to stress about it. Makes notes about the things you want to say so you don’t get rattled and forget. It’s hard to say what the courts will do…so yes, worry about it when the time comes. 🙂 You’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.
SS
HI SS,
How are you? I will focus of keeping him out of my mind and field of vision and mentally prepare by keeping the facts straight in my head. And notes to remember key points.
I will keep you posted. Also try to bring a friend with me.
Send strength and clarity in standing up to a con man with courage.
DW
Hi SociopathsSuck,
How are things with you? I hope no court activity on your end and some peace and quiet.
I objected to the spath reopening the case, but I did not mail him the copy of the objection as I didn’t know I should. So the judge declined my objection.
He lied that he did not receive the court hearing notice, though his address was correct where the court sent it. So, the judge allowed him to re-open, and now there will be a 2nd trial all over again on Nov 4.
He came this time. It was horrible to see him.
I just saw him appear when they called us to go in. My heart dropped, but I looked past him and acted unfazed.
When judge talked to us I only looked at her and when he spoke, which was so so horrible disgusting lying, I had pure poker face just calmly looked at judge.
The clerk told judge that he never answered the writ, and that he has to answer it this time.
I doubt that he will. He is such slime. After this, how muchlonger can he toy with the court?
Please send positive thoughts. I don’t want to let this fool get away with this.
How disgusting to see him UGH!!!
DW
DW- Congratulations! Towanda! So glad that it worked out.
Donna, ‘t ain’t over till the fat lady sings. He’s reopening the case. Cops brought the forgery case to the court, and court decided not to prosecute.
DW
Dancing – he didn’t show up the first time. That will look bad. If you have proof that he was served, it means he couldn’t be bothered, and judges don’t like that.
I suggest you work on getting your pain, betrayal and anger out of your system BEFORE you go to court. Imagine his face in a pillow and beat it until you collapse. If you can release the turmoil, it will be easier to stay calm when you need to.
When you go to court, do not look at him. Address the judge only. Focus on staying calm. You can do it.
Donna,
Thanks for the reminder not to look at him. This is KEY.
He had a chance to answer my suit in writing (respond to my charge) and he did not; he refused 1st serving and I have a FedEx record; then served by marshal, who submitted proof of serving; and I filed a proof he was not in the military. Default judgment was made since he couldn’t be bothered. He is “non appearing” in ALL and numerous civil/family/small claims suits — because he is always guilty.
Not sure why he is challenging/reopening this one suit. Is it ego, because he dated me, and he won’t let himself be shown up by a woman?
I was glad the judge accepted many pieced of evidence I gave her and did not ask me many questions. Just asked, “you want the value of your vehicle back?” and I said yes, and she said okay. That was it. Now with his spinning lies and painting himself a victim, will he be able to fool a different judge?
If only the same judge would be there–they always rotate as attorneys volunteer to serve as magistrates.
Not sure if I’ll beat a pillow. It’s more like a sick nauseous feeling in my stomach when I think of him.
Thank you.
DW
Hi Donna,
The wheels of justice turn slowly. But I won the small claims agains the creepy sociopath the second time.
He reopened case, showed up 2nd time, lied shamelessly to the judge, and thank God the judge saw through it and told him, nicely, “I am not sure about your credibility, sir. You expect me to believe that . . . .” and repeated the outlandish illogical lies he had said. I hated his face. I hated his presence. I couldn’t believe that I believed in any shred of goodness in this creature, and that I invited him into my home. I am no longer upset, or angry, or hurt. I never think of him. It’s just a matter of time till I receive the check of his stolen money and can so tell him (in my mind) to go to hell.
I ask myself why do humans like this exist? Why has Mother Nature (or God) created them to wreak havoc and cause destruction? I suppose that’s not for me to answer — there are snakes in nature, too.
DW
Hi DW!
Things are interesting with me. I have court on Wednesday again. The nutbar isn’t paying his child support. On Aug 14 he told the judge and lawyer that he was going bankrupt and that they’d deal with the trustee. None of us have heard from a trustee yet…LOL. so I’m sure it was all BS…like usual. Can’t wait to see what happens on Wednesday. Also having some bf issues. I’m currently trying to figure out if that relationship is worth staying in. fun stuff! lol
ohh technicalities of the courts eh? it’s so weird how it works. He can lie and say he didn’t get it, they have record that he did, but that’s ok…yet you don’t deliver an objection to him so it’s denied. Typical court BS.
Good for you to act unfazed! You go girl!! 🙂 and no telling how long he can manipulate the system. My ex is still doing it after 3 years. He has a bench warrant out for his arrest and they ‘called him’ and he said he went bankrupt and it’s like they said ‘oh okay then’ and they did nothing. well he hasn’t declared bankruptcy that I know of and I’m so sick of people just taking his word. UGH. so I’m back to court tomorrow to INSIST that they deal with him on Wednesday when we’re there.
Just remember you have your evidence and hopefully that’s enough. 🙂 he can lie all he wants…the evidence is what they look at the most…or they’re supposed to anyhow. I know what you mean about how disgusting it is to see him…I get to see this freak twice a week most of the time. PUKE. 😉 and you’ve already stopped him from ‘getting away with it’! you stood up to him. even if you don’t win the case, you showed him that you’re strong and you help him accountable! and he’s a louse! lol
Hey SociopathsSuck,
Sorry to hear about bf issues; on the other hand, you are smart, and you know you are worth a GOOD man and a GOOD relationship. So you are the best judge about what is best for you and your child, and whether to stay in something that is positive and nurturing for your family. I wish you all the happiness and all the best because your deserve nothing less.
Yes, the second merry go round is Nov 4th. The louse is supposed to “Answer” the original write, which he had never done to begin with, nor showed up. So for the second round, he still has to follow protocol and “Answer” my writ in writing, and send the answer to court and to me. He has not done that yet, and I am betting he won’t because he thinks he is above the law and can’t be bothered. He just likes to buy time and play games and make everyone look like fools. Idiot.
I will show up again, and have all the original evidence. Hopefully he screws up and doesn’t answer and the judge dismisses the re-opening completely.
I’ll read your next post now as I just saw it.
DW
Hey DW,
Been a crazy couple of days. I randomly found out that my ex has been taking my son to his gf’s house…a house where there is drug use as well as dealing. The people that live there, including the ex’s gf, do cocaine. There was a drive-by shooting there in July of 2012, and then 4 months ago there was a stand-off with police over some guy not wanting to go into custody..it was the SAME house! I am so ticked off!!! I found all this out from a good friend of mine whose husband knows of these people…very well. I am sick about this. I am putting supervision back on. I’ve gone to the police and they can’t help me or tell me anything. I’ve left a msg with Social services (yesterday) and haven’t heard back from them yet. Frustrating.
and on the bf front, things have been tense for a few weeks. He basically told me that he didn’t believe my ex was a sociopath…he tells me this after we’ve been together for most of 2 yrs. needless to say, I was not impressed. He convinced me to give him a chance to make it up to me but there’s really no fixing that. so yesterday when I’m calling SS and searching the internet and doing everything I can to find sh*t on these people that I can use to protect my son, he asks me if he can walk me to dinner tonight from a place I’m going to after work with my co-workers. I said I’d talk to him about tomorrow. I was kinda busy! lol so then he tells me he had to go home because he didn’t want to cry at work!??! like WTF?? so not only do I have to worry about my son and figure out how to protect him..now I’m supposed to feel sorry for this man who royally f’d up our relationship!! That was it for me. I said we’re done and that was that. How dare he think that him being sad over something HE DID would trump what I’m doing to try to protect my child from a monster! all he can think about his HIMSELF! always! I really do need a GOOD man…so tired of a$$holes! lol
SS
Hi SS,
That is upsetting about your son,s safety. I do wish the system can protect mothers and children from harmful exes. I so hope social services will help you protect your son long term–can you deny access to this incompetent father?
I can see how you’ve sprung into action as a mother–you go for being fierce in the face of adversity and standing by your kid. Your bf is an adult but sound as though he’s looking for some mothering. I am proud of you for trusting your instincts and telling him to go to hell.
I’d be pissed off too if my bf of long time would not be an ally against an obvious sociopath.
You know who younger and know your worth. You are so right to say you want a GOOD man. You will find him. No need to waste your energy on a$$holes I agree.
Thanks for sharing your frustrations–I can’t help you fight your battles but I’ll listen and cheer you on. Chin up you are an amazing mom,
DW
hi DW,
Social Services says they can’t do anything unless something ‘specific’ happens…same as the police. They have to wait for something to happen to my son before they take me seriously. I am sick with worry over this situation. and now this morning, his ‘gf’ is pressuring us to let them know WHY I’ve re-invoked supervision. They are digging for details so they can figure out how to get around what I’ve found out. Of course I’m leery about telling them anything. I’ve called my lawyer and she is going to try to return my call today and give me some advice on what to do next, and how much to tell them.
Being in this situation literally makes me sick…it takes me back to when I found out what a monster he was. I’m scared. and now I don’t just have to deal with him, I have to deal with his gf and her druggie family and friends. I don’t want anything to do with these kinds of people..that is not my lifestyle.
Thanks for listening and supporting….bad day.
SS
SS,
I am very sorry that you have to go through this, and imagine it is very upsetting and scary. It’s a great thing that you’ve turned to a lawyer for advice, so you won’t take any chances.
It is upsetting that the police or in your case Soc. Svcs. wait till it’s too late to intervene and protect families. Countless cases of ignored domestic violence calls, and even prejudice against women. I hope you will find a way to keep yourself healthy and strong, so that you can keep your head and not get swept up by feelings of fear.
One day at a time. You are resourceful, and you’ll find within the system what you can do for your baby. I am rooting for you.
My first thought is God could I move and get far from this man so he can’t have access to the child. I understand the reality and logistics aren’t that simple.
Stay strong. You will overcome this, and believe that you will protect your son.
DW
p.s. couldn’t post a reply under your actual message as there was no “reply” button.
fingers crossed you get help from lawyer how to respond wisely and not show your cards. I know exactly how it is — it’s like the system HELPS these guys
Thanks DW! 🙂 I will just try to stay calm and deal with what he dishes out next. It’s hard when my son is involved. The ex knows that’s the only way to get to me. He was supposed to take my little guy last night for 3 hrs but I texted him in the morning asking if he had arranged for a supervisor so I could tell them where to pick him up. NO response…doh! and still haven’t heard a word from either him or his gf. so I kept track like I always do so that I can use it in court the next time I end up there. LOL he basically always hurts himself more than he hurts me.
I find that since I figured this all out and discovered what he is that I panic when it comes to my son and the things I discover about the ex. But then a day or two goes by and I calm down again and see things more clearly and realize I’m doing the right thing and I stop being scared. I almost think it’s a mild PTSD or something because it’s never been normal for me to panic like that. I can’t seem to handle finding out new, disturbing things anymore..like enough is enough already! lol
and yes, it does feel like the system HELPS these guys. I have NEVER been in trouble in my life…yet he has more rights than my son and I do and he’s been in jail most of his adult life for things like armed robbery and spousal assault. Why don’t we have the right to lead normal, happy lives without being harassed and lied to by a sociopathic douche-canoe!?
SS
Hi DW! guess who didn’t show up in court today…haha! so the judge issued another bench warrant but since this one is in family court so the RCMP will handle it versus the courthouse sheriffs! YAY! He was supposed to take my little one tonight but he cancelled this afternoon saying he was sick. yeah right!
Also the Maintenance Enforcement lawyer said that my ex didn’t declare bankruptcy until Sept 15. When we were in court on Aug 14 he said he already done it…LOL even if he did it on Sept 15, I still haven’t heard a word about it and I’m his biggest creditor. also FMEP hasn’t received one cent from him. the judge didn’t even hesitate to issue the warrant. It was awesome. I told him that I already had one and the sheriffs couldn’t find him and asked if this one could be made police enforceable and they all thought it was already…I hope they’re right! I made a point to tell him that most of the local police know who he is…LOLOL. It’s nice to see things going against that man. It’s taken a while but he’s getting in some serious sh*t now. I may never get one cent out of him but I can guarantee you that I’m NOT going away and I’ll be making sure he’s held accountable for all of it! 🙂 so keep the faith…their lies and BS eventually catch up with them.
SS
Hi again SS,
I am so happy that the judge issued another arrest warrant, and that it is police enforcable. And, yes, stay on his heels as you have been.
The marshal who served him told me “he’s a dirtbag” as he knows him to, like all the police know your “nutbar.” 🙂 The marshal also divulged that he had a month old baby with his 2nd wife, whom he hasn’t divorced yet, but she is suing him for child support, similar to you (except I don’t get WHY she withdrew the divorce filing this summer). So… essentially he was “dating” me if you call it that, while his WIFE was expecting a baby, for whom he is taking no responsiblity. Pathetic excuse for a human being, really.
I am so glad you are after this guy relentlessly. I will do the same — show up in court Nov 4, stay cool as a cucumber, show all the evidence if/when asked, let him make all the mistakes — hopefully NOT answer, and NOT show up again.
Thanks for writing. I had not seen your comment till today, sorry for the delay.
Best to you and let’s get these lice!
DW
Hey DW! was there a date set on when he had to reply by? there usually is. Like my ex was supposed to have all his financial information to the lawyer by Oct 2 and he didn’t….then he didn’t show. I don’t think they’ll consider any evidence he brings if he didn’t give it you first like he’s supposed to. what a jerk!
My ex did the same thing to me! I was in the hospital having HIS son and the day before and the day after I had him, he was emailing an old ‘flame’ and saying he wanted to ‘hook up’ with her. I discovered it a month after my son was born and that’s when his lies started to unravel…the beginning of the end for him. lol
I still haven’t heard a word from any bankruptcy trustee. I’ve been hoping and waiting because I really can’t wait to tell them what he’s all about. like how his sled got repossessed and the bank is after him (and he ruined MY credit because of it) and he still has the sled and refuses to give it back to the bank. I’m hoping they won’t LET him declare bankruptcy but if they do, I’m claiming fraud and hoping they won’t wipe out my judgments.
Should be interesting to see if your dirtbag shows up. Either way, I think you have him beat…he’s just too damn stupid to see it…or he thinks you’ll give up. I don’t know about you, but I’ll never give up. 🙂 I may not ever see the money he owes me but I can guarantee you that I’m going to be hauling him back to court regularly as long as he stays in this town and refuses to support my son and pay me what he owes me for my other 3 cases. 🙂
SS,
I am so sorry that it is necessary for you to go to court to make the ex accountable and force him to do his fatherly duty. But that’s life and you are stronger and smarter than him so eff him.
This dirtbAg will probs show up because he knows I won the case and a$$hole does not want to pay. He’ll do what he can to try to avoid it. So will I to make hIm pay. Wish me luck that I get a decent judge who won’t be fooled by his idiocy.
DW
Good luck, hopefully you won’t need it! 🙂 I’ve learned to never ‘expect’ anything from court..then I’m not disappointed. ugh!
Hey SS,
Yes you will lead a normal life because you have values and order. The “douche-canoe” cannot define your reality, nor you, no how you choose to respond to his idiotic behavior. I believe the PTSD-type reactions will lessen over time. Your kiddo will grow strong and healthy despite him and thanks to you.
I’ve learned and still learning that it’s ok to feel fear but I don’t have to BE it, or stay in it. You also regroup and bounce back.
I have this little “prayer” to reinforce my confidence: “My aura is sealed, my mirror shield of protection in full force. Any energy coming to me that is not unconditional love is returned to the sender for their personal growth. Amen. (Or–EFF him as you please!! 🙂 )
Stay strong. You are a fierce warrior, he a squeaky Mickey Mouse midget.
DW
hehe…I love that..’squeaky Mickey Mouse midget’!! LOL I bet he’s wishing that he’d never tried to con me. It must be really inconvenient for him to have to be accountable for his actions for once. LOL makes me laugh!
Yes he’s picked the wrong person for sure, as I hope he picks other wrong people who will make his life very very difficult.
My re-opened 2nd trial is in a week. He has not mailed me the written “answer” from the original writ. Honestly, how long CAN he play games? If he shows up again without submitting the formal answer will the judge even let him speak? I did ALL according to procedure, except mail him the “objection to reopen” and therefore my objection was disregarded. I am so kicking myself for the mistake. I hope that the court will hold him equally strictly if he does not mail in the “answer” before trial.
Keep fingers crossed for me on the 4th. I have to take a second personal day for the loser.
DW
Hi SociopathsSuck,
How are things with you? I hope you are making headway in getting what you need from your ex, and hope that you have found a good resolution with your b/f, and that your son is happy and thriving despite the unpredictability of dad.
I had the 2nd trial yesterday. The judge heard my story. Then he heard his. It is like this man is dense or really stupid. He would repeat the same lies, that I had just told the judge were lies and gave evidence. As if he does not know the line between truth and lies. He believes his own lies.
He sent in a registration, and a letter lying who sold/bought the car, which dug his own grave. He claimed he didn’t sell the car to this guy, after he reported to the police that he sold the car to his friend, and then he also put it in writing to the court that this charity picked up the car from him and sold it to the same friend. He tells the judge the guy is not a friend but someone who frequents his shop. Wow.
The judge says “I’m not convinced about your credibility. You want me to believe that this company came and took the car that was in your possession, and then sold it to a man who happens to frequent your shop, but whom you don’t know. After I heard this woman’s testimony, I don’t see what evidence you have.”
The judge also snuck in a look to me at the end, saying, “Is this guy for real?” though he kept a professional and straight face.
The defendant also tried to pull the “we had a personal relationship” nonsense, and the judge didn’t even blink.
Looking at the original entry here where I posted back in July, I am SO OVER this loser. It was so sad to see how pathetically he tries to squirm out of an impossible corner. It was SO empowering to know that I had him, as much as he tried to lie, connive, and evade. Creep.
I saw him in the hallway before they called us in, and you know, I stood very happily and nonchalantly, not in the near vicinity (because he disgusts me), but to show him he does not affect me in the least.
High five! Victory a second time. I hope he rots in his own muck, and I hope ALL WOMEN come after him the same way till he cries. idiot.
DW
Hey DW! that’s fantastic!! YAY!! he sounds so much like my ex…haha! Sometimes it is so worth the fight! Here’s to another victory for you!! 🙂 so exciting! You should be proud!
My ex just showed up again, threatening to haul me back into court, trying to tell my boys that their dad didn’t see them because I made his life hell. They were there..they know the truth. LOL he’s never even met their dad but he thinks he can convince them that he knows all about it if he lies about it enough, I guess.
so today I prepared. I found everything I need to back myself up in court. Even his own daughter said that he always took her around bad people when she was little. He will never change. Now he’s saying I’m denying access because he can’t afford a supervisor. lol He’s away working for weeks at a time, FMEP hasn’t garnished a cent, he doesn’t pay any of his child support but he can’t afford $100 to see his son for a few hours…laughable! and he still has arrest warrants out on him so I hope he files a motion because then I can get him arrested sooner. lol They just don’t seem to get when they’re beat. DOH!!
He also hasn’t been taking him as much as he’s supposed to (which I don’t mind but the court will). out of 66 scheduled visits, he’s taken him 30 times because he was ‘working’ or he just didn’t show up. The judge isn’t going to like that. 🙂
SS
Hi Sociopaths Suck,
How are you? I hope you are doing well, your son is safe and away from your ex’s influence, and no court battles to annoy you.
How are you holding up with this cold? Must be even worse up where you are.
Long time since we spoke — wanted to give you an update. The 2nd trial was Nov4th and I just got the magistrate’s judgment a week ago. I won the full amount as the first time. The fool has to pay me by Feb 1st or I send the DMV to take away the bond they are holding in his DMV dept. dealer/repiarer license I think. I can’t wait to get the cash in my hands and feel vindicated.
I must admit it was a hard fight. He is slimy, so morally rotten, and so emotionally dark, deceiving, like a snake, that the whole thing turns my stomach. ANd I had to stand up to that. Sure, I’d love to run away and never deal, but that would let him win and take advantage of me.
I am so glad I gave him the middle finger by pursuing the law suit till the end, even when he threw obstacles and reopened.
Thank you very much for your listening ear and your cheering me on.
I wold love to hear how you are doing and to know that you have peace in your life.
Best,
DW
Hi DW! 🙂
I’m good, thanks! My doc put me on some ‘happy pills’ back in November and they’ve helped me deal with the stress of the nutbar ex-spath. I put supervision back on and he hasn’t seen my son in 3 months because of it. He refuses to pay for a supervisor. a 48 yr old man couldn’t save up $100 to see his son at Christmas….pretty pathetic. and he had two bench warrants out on him…they caught up to him last week! Woot! so I should have new court dates coming up soon. 🙂 I thought for sure we’d hear from him after that but nothing yet, so that’s good.
It hasn’t been bad at all where I am. Milder than the norm this winter mostly. I’m pretty far west.
haha!! so glad to hear you beat him again! woot!! that’s awesome! Just made him look even more stupid than you did the first time. I wonder if he’ll pay you on time or if he’ll just ignore it. I’m so glad you stood up to him…sometimes it does work out! 🙂
I’m waiting patiently to get back to court. I can’t wait to hear all the excuses. I’m pretty sure he’ll blame me for him getting arrested since I didn’t ‘tell’ him when the court dates were…like he didn’t know..lol. Has nothing to do with me. The last time we went he claimed he was declaring bankruptcy. They gave him a month or two to get his affairs in order. Then he never showed up the next time. and he never declared bankruptcy either. haha! Can’t wait for his explanations. It’s usually quite amusing. I’m hoping that eventually he’ll clue in that he’s beat and he’ll run. But he’s kinda slow so it might take a while. haha!
SS
Hi Sociopaths Suck, 🙂
Wonderful that you have the supervision as a buffer and some peace finallly. I do hope you get to see him squirm pathetically in court after all the fantastic lies and evasions. GO get him!
A while back you had concerns about the bf too — did he see the door as well or did things get better?
I ended a short dating with a man who thank goodness was not a spath (I’m making progress!) but I learn quickly when men aren’t mutual but want unconditional adoration, pampering, and tending. I already have a daughter — I don’t want another child, thank you. Remains to be seen if there’s a grown man out there. Haven’t met or attracted one yet.
Best to you,
DW
Hi DW! I can’t wait to go back to court. We haven’t heard a word from him since he was arrested. It has been a nice break from the ‘crazy’. I’m hoping he’s going to run this time!! That would make me so happy.
As for the bf, I broke up with him a while back because he was causing me too much stress on top of the ex-sociopath…when I was posting about it on here. He didn’t ‘get it’. In November I went to a counsellor and my doc and they put me on pills to help me cope with the ex stress and it has literally changed my life. I’m not scared all the time now, not anxious and stressed to the max. The bf also went to counselling and the guy told him that he needs to have some empathy, especially concerning what I’ve been through. I basically told the bf it was time to man-up, support me in this mess, or leave me the hell alone. He has chosen to man-up. He has been so supportive since then and I have seen nothing in the way of red flags in 3-4 months. His sarcasm has ceased. I think me breaking up with him woke him up!
I’m not saying that me going on these pills lessens how HE acted, but it lets me see more clearly. 95% of the time, our relationship is great. the other 5% he can be a real arsehole. lol the thing is that he recognizes it and is trying to change it…especially with me because he knows how much it stresses me out. He gets that it’s ok to get mad at me, but it’s not ok to be rude about it.
So far, so good. Things have been great again for the past few months. I’m still living in my own place and he’s in his because I won’t go forward unless I KNOW my past issues with him are over. His sis-in-law and I had a little talk about it on the weekend…her hubby (his brother) is the same way, but worse. sometimes they have no filter and speak without thinking first. At least my bf sees that it’s a problem and he’s changed it. overall they’re great guys most of the time. LOL
SociopathsSuck,
Since you already have court experience,I’m going to ask your opinion.My hearing for the PO is this coming Tuesday (15th).My husband has already told my dad that he’s not going to show up in court that day since renting a wheelchair would cost him $15.00…
he even went so far as to say”I hope she gets her protective order!”Since then he has found out about the divorce,but my dad let him know he won’t be able to change my mind.
As long as the court knows he was served, the judge will likely make the PO without him being there. You could tell the judge that he told your Dad he wasn’t coming if he asks you if you’ve seen him in the court house. I think it’s great if doesn’t show because he can’t BS his way out of it and make you look like you’re just blowing things out of proportion. Did he ever file a reply or anything?
SociopathsSuck,
I only know what my dad tells me from his conversations with spath (the other day I was talking to dad on one phone and spath called on the other-dad didn’t answer!)Dad said that when spath first got the summons to the hearing,he called the courthouse and told them he’d have to rent a wheelchair and also find transportation(poor baby,lol!)That was last month.The fact that he didn’t make those arrangements–and it wasn’t beyond his means,will be in my favor.I have an idea that he knows that I’m intelligent enough and a fighter…that he’s lost this fight before it even began!He never could stand to be seen as a “loser”.That is how he was seen in school.
If he actually did that and phoned the courthouse and his concerns were valid enough, they’d probably let him ‘phone’ in. I’ve seen that done several times when I’ve been in court…usually for out-of-towners. He really has no excuse for not ‘being there’ one way or another.
and he is still a loser…and always will be. LOL just like the rest of these me-monsters (I love that name!).
Good luck on Tuesday and make sure to tell us how you made out. <3
SociopathsSuck,
Hmm,it will be interesting to see if he followed thru on ‘being there’ somehow.He does the phone line for religious services,so that wouldn’t be a problem.I don’t know if he’s aware of that option or not.Maybe he is,and thought the shock affect would be grand! The first time I heard him comment at services,I waited ’til I got home and then I cried.So maybe I’d better prepare myself.
I will definitely let everyone know how things go.
How did you make out today, blossom??? are you ok? I hope things went ok for you.
SS
Blossom how did your day in court go I am still waiting for this divorce to continue in proceedings. I filed on July 8th and nothing is happening at the moment. I guess these courts are very busy here. There is still no contact what is the best. I am so ready to close this chapter in my life. To this day I don’t know how I stayed married to him for almost 20 years. Every day I realize more and more what s lie this marriage was. But so far i am doing much better. Time will heal and not having him make me feel worthless feels great. I don’t care what he does or who he is with. They all can have him because I am “done” with him.