Sitting with an antisocial or sociopathic client is an interesting experience—for a while, anyway, until it grows tedious”¦almost boring. There is the initial curiosity about, and fascination with, the client’s antisocial behaviors”¦their nature”¦breadth.
Perhaps there’s even a certain rubbernecking interest in the train-wreck of moral turpitude these clients present—with their staggering patterns of ethical and moral debaseness. Admittedly, it can be breathtaking, on certain levels, to behold the magnitude of their abuse of others’ boundaries and dignity, accompanied by missing feelings of accountability and remorse.
And the interest in the experience with such clients persists a bit longer when you are dealing with someone who is “intelligent.” There’s something just inherently more compelling, at least initially, about an “intelligent” sociopath who guiltlessly transgresses others in the gross, chronic way that sociopaths do, versus the less intelligent sociopath, whose intellectual limitations seem to dim, however unfairly, the spectacular nature of his violations.
But after a while, as I say, sitting with the sociopathic client, however intelligent he may even be, grows tedious. It’s not unlike the experience of discovering that someone you expected to find extremely interesting (and perhaps did, initially) is, at bottom, really a boring individual with little to say or offer. There’s something anti-climactically disappointing in the discovery of the individual’s gross limitations.
With most sociopathic personalities, in my experience, this sense of disillusionment—of of having to face the reality, ultimately, of their emotional vacuity—occurs in the work with them. As different in temperament and intelligence as they may be, ultimately sociopaths prove to be highly ungratifying clients to work with. This is because, regardless of their ability to talk the talk, they are, ultimately, unable to make themselves genuinely accountable for their actions, the fact of which, after a while, simply grows tiresome.
The sociopathic client just doesn’t feel, in a heart-felt way, so many of the things he “allegedly” is ready to own, or the reforms he is “allegedly” ready to make; and when this becomes clear—as it always does—a certain tedium, boredom enters the sessions.
This boredom, I think, arises in the recognition of the futility of making a real connection with the sociopath; also in the futility of his making any sort of real connection to the pain he’s caused others, and will continue to cause others, despite his superficial assertions of regret and remorse.
And so this is where the big yawns threaten to emerge with regularity. It’s the feeling of having your time wasted, which is exactly what the sociopath is doing. He is wasting your time, as he wastes everything from which he doesn’t derive a personally, selfishly compelling benefit.
It is that moment of untruth—that moment when it becomes clear that, no matter how verbally interesting and, perhaps, even engaging he may be, the sociopathic individual finally lacks anything substantive to say, feel, or aspire to. Lacking this substance, the possibly initially engaging experience with him yields, ultimately, to the sense of being futilely engaged with an emotional cipher.
That is, for a while his charisma, charm and engaging qualities, if they are present, may compensate for the missing underlying emotional substance. But there is a shelf-life for this compensatory entertainment before the tedium of his barren inner emotional life begins to weigh down the experience of him. There is a limit to hearing the same repetitive pronouncements of intended change, pseudo remorse and responsibility.
There is also a limit, beyond which it becomes increasingly oppressive to sit with the sociopath, who in one breath may claim responsibility for his violations of others, while in the very next withdraw his pseudo-assumption of responsibility and abruptly rationalize the very behavior that, only moments before, he seemingly repudiated?
This is the sociopath at work. Sitting with him can be an interesting experience. But as his particular, underlying emotional disability surfaces, the interest leads, surpisingly quickly, to a feeling of ennui”¦almost oppression.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake only and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
Sky,
Today has been a day of ruminating for me as well as reading.
I think I’m a bit troubled by ANY reality that a psychopath could have been helped. It sure would be great if someone like Steve who has had clients a spaths, would write a clearly defined article on pathology and why it CAN”T change.
Admittedly, I got caught up in the whole thing last night. I felt so bad for you and related well to it, having had similar experiences with my spath. But what keeps coming to mind, over and over, is that if he had truly wanted to change or believed his five second moments of clarity (if they weren’t outright just manipulations), he would have changed.
He would have changed with ex wife one, whom he claimed to be madly in love with. He could have done the same with wife two and even after having been found out about our affair five years into it, his pseudo remorse was only a few months and short lived. If there was ever a time to “work the marraige” it was then. There were many many times in the past to which he told me that his ex wives would get workbooks and such in an attempt to work the marriage and he would devalue all of those attempts.
And he didn’t change with me either, Sky.
Will he for the next one?
I think believing they have a chance to be miraculously cured and/or healed really invalidates the psychologically evil souls that they are. While we often wish, I think, that God or some other higher form of being wil send a Spath saving Stork to miraculously deliver the goods in behavior changes, isn’t likely.
This is where we get into the core of pathology. IS it as rigid as we EXPERIENCED or was it just US that didn’t get it?
I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the pathological part itself in that it is RIGID and IMMOVABLE.
There is just something about that that feels validating, to believe it’s true. It doesn’t get rid of the damage he caused, but I would forever be happy if the bastard was stuck in that unhappy hellish shell of his the rest of his mortal life for the pain he has caused and the casualities left behind to deal with it.
Thinking of them and the possibility tha theyt would have, will or can change in the future is a very devastating proposition indeed.
These people are not like dealing with someone who has correct motives or intentions and they definitely don’t think like an empath does. Even if they don’t fit the criteria of a psychopath, I still believe we are on very dangerous ground to project normal behavior into absnormal behavior. I”ve been doing that a lot and it prevents a lot of my moving forward too and projecting bliss and wonderment with new gf. Can SHE “help” him like the rest of us COULD NOT? I don’t know the answer to that, but I can guess and say that it’s highly unlikely, and if I believe him not to have a pathology at all, then it IS likely he could change. He’s 49 years old now. He’s been with gf about a month or a little more now. Has he changed in a month? Look how long it’s taken just us empaths to change behaviors, get over this crap and integrate changes we all have or have had to make?
It’s not realistic to assign a spath even more of a powerful position than myself or anyone else here who is normal, but wounded and working to change ourselves. It takes a LONG LONG TIME! Also I look at it this way. If I was she right now and listening to what are likely a litany of lies and webbed deceit, and I sat around thinking (like i did at the beginning), I will be DIFFERENT than his past marriages, he will Change for ME!
Wrong.
I think the bottom line is still the same for me Sky. They don’t change, they CAN”T change. Whatever moments of clarity they have had, such as with your letter, is the same as telling you some bs about how much he loved you. How long did that last and what was going on at the time it was said? I’m betting plenty of a whole lot of nothing but the same out of him.
Just like I did, the ex wives did and whomever else I don’t know about that he was with.
He had no feeling for others, could have cared less unless it served his immediate agenda.
What changed Skylar? he had a moment of “clarity”. That’s all.
Just as when spath told me he never experinced joy. Well, that’s true, but the REASONS he never exeperienced it will forever be unaddressed.l
LL
Knock Knock I am here. Not looking too entice a riot. Just want to give you all some homework. Write a Valentine’s card to the X intimate jerk o spath in your life. I think it will be interesting and theraputic. Any body can join and everybody win’s a prize.
Um…Hens….
1. I hate valentine’s day. HATE it.
2. The only thing I could write to that bastard right now is how much I …….well hate him.
NOT a good day today Hens. Really depressed.
LL
.
mission accepted!
dear spath,
I hope you die a horrible death feeling all the pain that you have inflicted on others over your life time, you lying piece of crap evil c spath.
kisses,
one joy.
🙂
LL and Sky,
There is NOTHING in that letter to indicate that he was SINCERE in writing it or that he even WAS in spiritual pain.
Let me tell you if you read some of the Bible thumping, spiritual outpourings of my p-son in his letters to my egg donor you would for sure nominate him for a saint! The same day he would write evil plots and plans to the Trojan horse Psychopath with lots of the F words, and the nasty things he had done to the guards, the hateful things he had done to the other inmates or the warden, how he ENJOYED breaking the rules, how he hated the inmates from other races, using the N-word and WORSE—so you know, the “pious” letter could have been written for the BENEFIT OF SOMEONE ELSE THAT HE EITHER DID SHOW IT TO OR WANTED TO SHOW IT TO to convince them he was such a soul-searching repentant good guy.
Don’t let his letter or “prayer” derail you, Sky, remember THEY ARE THE LIE. THEY ***ARE**** THE LIE. The Bible says that Satan is the FATHER OF LIES and they have given their selves over to Lies, they know better, it is a CHOICE, and after a while there is NO turning around, no going back…their hearts are hardened and their consciences are seared rock hard. Even the love of God can’t get through to them because they have hardened their hearts. Their souls are evil by CHOICE. Maybe they don’t realize they have “made a deal with the devil” but that is actually what I think they have done.
LL,
darlin’ THAT’S THE POINT!
Ox.
Why is this so hard to accept? I’m hurting so much, so many things are trying to break through right now for me. And it isn’t all just about him either.
Why is the notion that a pathology can change, something that is ruminated around over and over again?
I see others with brain/mental disorders. They can’t “change” it, such as with CP and Schizophrenia (with meds) but those are more OBVIOUS. This is why I have a tendency to believe that psychopathy is a level of evil that is NOT reversible. Throw in the reality that they have choices (but DO they, given the absence of certain chemicals or actions within the brain or rather lack thereof), and choose not to make them….the prevention of that inability…..is it nature/nurture…
Ugh. I just feel so sad today.
LL
One?
Oh, okay.
Babe,
You’re the most lying, deceiving little bastard I’ve ever met. Actually, on this Valentine’s Day, I’m being rather kind. PLEASE let me elaborate further so you understand my meaning.
I hope your dick goes limp for new gf that you’re going to love bomb as the chameleon assed LIAR you REALLY are. Or perhaps you’ll do what you do best and attempt to complicate matters by interjecting a little gaslighting so that you can play the victim after your nice dinner out when new gf refuses to fuck you and instead incites the riot that you surely deserve, Oh but WAIT, that’s not “realistic” is it, babe? Nope. You’re still in that honeymoon stage after only a month………..oh how I remember that stage well.
Attached to this card, you shall find a gift of metal spatulas and STEEL pots and pans to which you can ask gf to cook with for you, as she accidentally “scrapes” metal to metal only to be horrified watching your eccentric and juvenile reaction as you run screaming from the house in horror, hands to your ears…
Aaawww now THAT is more like it!
Happy VD…um oh wait, we did work through the STD didn’t we, babe?
Happy Valentine’s Day, you pathological prick 🙂
LL
BUENO LL!!!