Sitting with an antisocial or sociopathic client is an interesting experience—for a while, anyway, until it grows tedious”¦almost boring. There is the initial curiosity about, and fascination with, the client’s antisocial behaviors”¦their nature”¦breadth.
Perhaps there’s even a certain rubbernecking interest in the train-wreck of moral turpitude these clients present—with their staggering patterns of ethical and moral debaseness. Admittedly, it can be breathtaking, on certain levels, to behold the magnitude of their abuse of others’ boundaries and dignity, accompanied by missing feelings of accountability and remorse.
And the interest in the experience with such clients persists a bit longer when you are dealing with someone who is “intelligent.” There’s something just inherently more compelling, at least initially, about an “intelligent” sociopath who guiltlessly transgresses others in the gross, chronic way that sociopaths do, versus the less intelligent sociopath, whose intellectual limitations seem to dim, however unfairly, the spectacular nature of his violations.
But after a while, as I say, sitting with the sociopathic client, however intelligent he may even be, grows tedious. It’s not unlike the experience of discovering that someone you expected to find extremely interesting (and perhaps did, initially) is, at bottom, really a boring individual with little to say or offer. There’s something anti-climactically disappointing in the discovery of the individual’s gross limitations.
With most sociopathic personalities, in my experience, this sense of disillusionment—of of having to face the reality, ultimately, of their emotional vacuity—occurs in the work with them. As different in temperament and intelligence as they may be, ultimately sociopaths prove to be highly ungratifying clients to work with. This is because, regardless of their ability to talk the talk, they are, ultimately, unable to make themselves genuinely accountable for their actions, the fact of which, after a while, simply grows tiresome.
The sociopathic client just doesn’t feel, in a heart-felt way, so many of the things he “allegedly” is ready to own, or the reforms he is “allegedly” ready to make; and when this becomes clear—as it always does—a certain tedium, boredom enters the sessions.
This boredom, I think, arises in the recognition of the futility of making a real connection with the sociopath; also in the futility of his making any sort of real connection to the pain he’s caused others, and will continue to cause others, despite his superficial assertions of regret and remorse.
And so this is where the big yawns threaten to emerge with regularity. It’s the feeling of having your time wasted, which is exactly what the sociopath is doing. He is wasting your time, as he wastes everything from which he doesn’t derive a personally, selfishly compelling benefit.
It is that moment of untruth—that moment when it becomes clear that, no matter how verbally interesting and, perhaps, even engaging he may be, the sociopathic individual finally lacks anything substantive to say, feel, or aspire to. Lacking this substance, the possibly initially engaging experience with him yields, ultimately, to the sense of being futilely engaged with an emotional cipher.
That is, for a while his charisma, charm and engaging qualities, if they are present, may compensate for the missing underlying emotional substance. But there is a shelf-life for this compensatory entertainment before the tedium of his barren inner emotional life begins to weigh down the experience of him. There is a limit to hearing the same repetitive pronouncements of intended change, pseudo remorse and responsibility.
There is also a limit, beyond which it becomes increasingly oppressive to sit with the sociopath, who in one breath may claim responsibility for his violations of others, while in the very next withdraw his pseudo-assumption of responsibility and abruptly rationalize the very behavior that, only moments before, he seemingly repudiated?
This is the sociopath at work. Sitting with him can be an interesting experience. But as his particular, underlying emotional disability surfaces, the interest leads, surpisingly quickly, to a feeling of ennui”¦almost oppression.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake only and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
Thanks Katy,
He was married for 25 years, and he said the first 15 years of his marriage were very good, later he got deranged and started cheating, so to me it meant that it is possible for him to hold a steady relationship, but then again, these are his words and they may be all lies. Though to some extent it maybe true as during the first 15 years of his marriage he was in medical school and training to be a specialist and an affair at that stage would jeopardise his career.
According to the age of his children, the last child was born while he was cheating outside, and I did ask him – that on one hand you were cheating and on the other hand you still wanted to continue to have a child with your wife and he said – “yes, I still wanted to have one more child, I did not want to continue cheating, however, after the last child was born, again I went astray”
I am stupid, in my mind, I feel at times, maybe if he could give 15 years to a good relationship, he can still give those 15 years again, He is 50 now, another 15 years or so, he will be in late sixties, and hence he can lovebomb and get a good 15 years with the next one.
I know I sound stupid, please help me to think in a sane manner.
Thanks Katy.
petite
I think this is one of the things that hurts the most: ‘suck on my compassion like it was a candy (empty of value)’ – the devaluing of my compassion – she used me, she ate my compassion. i hate her.
i talked to her about the things that mattered most to me – bared my heart and spirit to a succubus. she conned and fooled me. it hurts. it hurts.
but her – she’s a piece of crap – a heartless horror show.
Petite – how are you going to stop this thinking?
Hi One,
trying to find a way to stop the thinking, hence I posted here for advice and I am glad that Oxy and Katy did help me out.
if you have any suggestions, please let me know.
petite
Hi Hens,
sorry , I psoted this to Gemini early on.
You said they do not use condoms as to them health is not a concern, it is just selfgratification.
Pardon my ignorance, how would using a condom minimise gratification, is it beacuse of less sensation.
petite
So Petite _ How is this way of thinking working for you? I was cryin on somebodys shoulder about my X one time and the somebody said ‘ So hows this workin for you? ‘
It’s just a big hole in our life ( the relationshit ) that is the best way I have ever heard it explained. There is nothin one can do but feel that hole with better things– wisdom and experience come to mind – my heart doesn’t ache for him, just for what never was – go figure..
Thanks Hens.
yes a huge huge hole, carved out from my heart. will have to fill it slowly with knowledge and wisdom. this LF site has been my saving grace.
petite
truly petite – i did not have the problem you are having. but i did obsess, and i actually used to say to myself: STOP THINKING!
i needed to take control of my own thinking. and to recognize that whatever i wanted with the spath would NEVER have been satisfied with the spath – and that my WANTING told me what was important to heal in me.
it’s not about them, it’s about US.
I think there’s going to be a mad rush to your house Katy, Save me some truffles! -and wine!
I hate valentines day too. BF asked me what he’s supposed to do for Vday. I said nothing, I hate that day. No flowers or cards and ESPECIALLY no fucking stuffed fucking animals.
Every year my exP asked me if I would be his valentine.
LL,
As long as he has a woman to manipulate, he won’t change. Why should he? There is no incentive. You know how painful change and growth is. Why would he exchange his familiar and profitable pathology for painful pain and growth?
You know what that pain is like because you are grabbing it by the balls right now and your are OWNING your pain. It’s not easy. You’re doing better than I am. You amaze me, Chica.
Look at my exP, he was promising God that he wanted to change because he was afraid of death. But he couldn’t, he actually got worse. He even tried to remind himself again almost 2 years later. exP even quit smoking cold turkey in 1991 or 1992. He had smoked almost 30 years and said it was the hardest thing he’d ever done. He didn’t use any patches or other devices, Just determined to quit smoking. But he couldn’t quit his addiction to evil. I have begun to see it as a fluctuating state, where they can get very worked up like when they are doing a con or they can mellow out and do nothing for a while. That’s why it looks confusing. They can even believe their own lies. My exP worked himself up into a pity ploy that he played on HIMSELF. He believed he was dying, that’s why he wrote the letter to God. They DO FEEL EMOTION BUT ONLY FOR THEMSELVES. I vaguely remember these episodes. He had another one in the 1990’s where he would get panic attacks and tachycardia. He was so scared that he couldn’t ride the ferry or any public transportation which could prevent his access to a hospital. He has always been a control freak but it got much worse.
This pathology is much more complex than I had thought. I have a friend who told me that he was married for 25 years and had 3 grown sons before he could tell his wife (whom he loved) and family that he was actually bisexual. He ended up confessing because he was having panic attacks and could no longer fly for business. KEEPING SECRETS is debilitating to human beings – even spaths. Just as lies throw us into a stupor (remember o for umbrella), secrets are the next worst thing. It’s one of the reasons that spaths use lies and secrets to control and ultimately destroy us. But along the way, they are paying the price because it’s eating them up inside.
LL, I have a spath brother who hates his life and himself. He is in constant emotional pain which he numb with addictions: alcohol, drugs, online poker, porn or cigarettes. He has joined various religions, meditates, tried to join scientology but they rejected him. He reads eckert tolle, carlos castenada, and every kind of book on enlightenment you can think of. He has a very high IQ. He has been looking to be released from his pain for years. He wants to change but he can’t because of his narcissism. His ego is too fragile to withstand the kind of scrutiny that you are putting yourself under. When I first moved to my parents’ house I was overwhelmed with fear. He gave me a little pamphlet from one of his spiritual gurus. It said, “where there is love, there can be no fear. The two emotions cannot reside in the same heart.”
It may be true that he wanted to help, but that help was so he could gain my trust and use me for money. There is nothing selfless there. And it may be true that my spath wanted to change, but that was so he could feel healthy again, not because he wanted to do the will of God. There was no humility in his repentance. That’s why it failed. My brother’s narcissism is why he cannot overcome the dark hole that he is in even though he has tried for 30 years. He has never “let go, let God”. Instead he lives in my parents’ house in a storage room and he’s almost your age. He has never had a girlfriend, but does pay prostitutes when he has money. Ironically, he is so good looking that he makes women blush when he looks at them. Fucking sad.
Their narcissism is their stumbling block that prevents growth. Being a control freak is one example of that. Like Lucifer, they want to tell God how to run the show, but God doesn’t take orders.
I’m reminded of this because my spath bro just sent me another email tonight. Here it is:
“I tried to help you when you got here, but then you decided not to trust me which ended up in you going to jail because I thought you were about to try and put me there. I believe now you were hallucinating in a sense and were completely out of control.
I hope you understand that I am not judging you. I want you to see things from my perspective is all.
I have more I want to say. I realize it might be falling on deaf ears but try to realize that if a soul is in a deep hole it doesn’t mean he shouldn’t try to help his sister stay out of a similar hole by pointing it out. I have dealt with the same type of thoughts for 30 years now and am still trying to deal with them. I try to,…I am going to send you another email very soon when I can convey to you what I want to say. Also please reread the original email.”
He starts his email with a lie and he is up to something, and they always use a kernal of truth to anchor the lie. The truth anchor is, his acknowledgement that he is in a dark hole.
The lie is that he thought I was going to put him in jail, I WAS SLEEPING! I had spent days and $$$ keeping him OUT of jail when he was busted for crack possession.! But he has told his lie, the parental units believe it and now it’s part of his truth.
My brother is evil, but also lazy. Exspath wasn’t lazy and put great effort into his evil. That’s why the letter in the bible was so shocking.
The more I know about them, the more improbable it seems that they can be helped. It does make me sad though.
‘ESPECIALLY no fucking stuffed fucking animals.’ hehehe….