Sitting with an antisocial or sociopathic client is an interesting experience—for a while, anyway, until it grows tedious”¦almost boring. There is the initial curiosity about, and fascination with, the client’s antisocial behaviors”¦their nature”¦breadth.
Perhaps there’s even a certain rubbernecking interest in the train-wreck of moral turpitude these clients present—with their staggering patterns of ethical and moral debaseness. Admittedly, it can be breathtaking, on certain levels, to behold the magnitude of their abuse of others’ boundaries and dignity, accompanied by missing feelings of accountability and remorse.
And the interest in the experience with such clients persists a bit longer when you are dealing with someone who is “intelligent.” There’s something just inherently more compelling, at least initially, about an “intelligent” sociopath who guiltlessly transgresses others in the gross, chronic way that sociopaths do, versus the less intelligent sociopath, whose intellectual limitations seem to dim, however unfairly, the spectacular nature of his violations.
But after a while, as I say, sitting with the sociopathic client, however intelligent he may even be, grows tedious. It’s not unlike the experience of discovering that someone you expected to find extremely interesting (and perhaps did, initially) is, at bottom, really a boring individual with little to say or offer. There’s something anti-climactically disappointing in the discovery of the individual’s gross limitations.
With most sociopathic personalities, in my experience, this sense of disillusionment—of of having to face the reality, ultimately, of their emotional vacuity—occurs in the work with them. As different in temperament and intelligence as they may be, ultimately sociopaths prove to be highly ungratifying clients to work with. This is because, regardless of their ability to talk the talk, they are, ultimately, unable to make themselves genuinely accountable for their actions, the fact of which, after a while, simply grows tiresome.
The sociopathic client just doesn’t feel, in a heart-felt way, so many of the things he “allegedly” is ready to own, or the reforms he is “allegedly” ready to make; and when this becomes clear—as it always does—a certain tedium, boredom enters the sessions.
This boredom, I think, arises in the recognition of the futility of making a real connection with the sociopath; also in the futility of his making any sort of real connection to the pain he’s caused others, and will continue to cause others, despite his superficial assertions of regret and remorse.
And so this is where the big yawns threaten to emerge with regularity. It’s the feeling of having your time wasted, which is exactly what the sociopath is doing. He is wasting your time, as he wastes everything from which he doesn’t derive a personally, selfishly compelling benefit.
It is that moment of untruth—that moment when it becomes clear that, no matter how verbally interesting and, perhaps, even engaging he may be, the sociopathic individual finally lacks anything substantive to say, feel, or aspire to. Lacking this substance, the possibly initially engaging experience with him yields, ultimately, to the sense of being futilely engaged with an emotional cipher.
That is, for a while his charisma, charm and engaging qualities, if they are present, may compensate for the missing underlying emotional substance. But there is a shelf-life for this compensatory entertainment before the tedium of his barren inner emotional life begins to weigh down the experience of him. There is a limit to hearing the same repetitive pronouncements of intended change, pseudo remorse and responsibility.
There is also a limit, beyond which it becomes increasingly oppressive to sit with the sociopath, who in one breath may claim responsibility for his violations of others, while in the very next withdraw his pseudo-assumption of responsibility and abruptly rationalize the very behavior that, only moments before, he seemingly repudiated?
This is the sociopath at work. Sitting with him can be an interesting experience. But as his particular, underlying emotional disability surfaces, the interest leads, surpisingly quickly, to a feeling of ennui”¦almost oppression.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake only and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
Early? It’s lunchtime here!
Hi Petite. I have been following your posts all through and I am so pleased that you heeded the warnings on here. I know it can not have been easy turning down what seemed to be on offer. Believe me there was never anything on offer but heartache. So well done you for getting out before it really started.
Paying for things ”“ urrrrm let’s see. Nope he paid for VERY little.
An example (which was the norm) we were out for the day and I thought it would be lovely to have a cup of tea in the castle grounds. Jerkface had no money (nothing new there) so I gave him a £20 note to save embarrassment at the till. He waved the note at the cashier and said ’sorry, I have nothing smaller’ What a jerk, HE had nothing at all!!
So yes they do expect us to pay ”“ and go on paying. I paid for holidays, stuff off the internet, I kept him in food, clothes (frying pan needed BOINK BOINK)
I was a nurse for 25 years and then worked in social services. I had a well paid job but when all of the agro kicked off I could not cope and had to give my notice. I’m selling my cottage because I fear to live here in the sticks on my own, not knowing if he will turn up again and start pushing me around.
I nearly lost my ’kids’ because they could see what he was doing to me (but I was blind). Thank fully once I had the police onto him he left and I went NO CONTACT the kids rallied and now we are on good terms again. HE tried to get us all arrested in turn. Me, my brother, my son, my daughter”..what man does that to a family. What’s the point?
Don’t give your spath the time of day, if you do he will see it as an opportunity to get back with you OR get back AT you.
I was chatting with spath’s ex. He did the same to her for 10 years. She lost £100k, her house, car—.and guess what she just took him back! I want to scream at her GET RID. He’s turned her family against her. She is still in denial ”“ that is how twisted spaths get us. So he’s out of work and she’s keeping him. I despair.
These people mess with our lives and then walk away leaving us to pick up the pieces. So steer well clear of your spath Petite he’s really not worth it.
Thanks Candy.
so you are in UK. nice to hear that you are in the medical field too.
your jerk was broke, but my jerk had money and still went 50-50 at all times. Lets see what the LF friends in USA have to say on this topic.
I feel bad the way the jerk tried to ruin your family, your innocent kids.
see how your S’s ex took him back, I wonder what games they play that we allow ourselves to deny all reality and enter their world to get totally brainwashed and crazy.
I think you and the others here are so strong and courageous. I have no kids and after the advice I got on LF and from Oxy, I came out of his crap, but I am still so much in a spin cycle trying to heal myself.
thanks for your reply Candy.
petite
Petite, yep I’m in the UK and it’s pouring with rain. Snowdrops and daffs are pushing their heads up.
Number one son has phoned, he’s coming for dinner (got a stew in the oven).
Ox is a tower of strength to all who visit here – People here are so well informed – we could be on tv, start our own soap.
The spin cycle will ease….give it time.
Thanks Candy,
where I live, there is no snow, we have never seen snow.
have a nice dinner with your son.
trying hard not to miss him and the fantasy he made me believe that could be real.
petite
Hey Star!
That is WONDERFUL news for you!! I hope things continue to look up for you.
Sky, I just read your post quite a way up the thread here. thank you that was helpful to me to read. I have N’s and Spath’s in my fam of origin too. NONE has changed at all. My spathydaddy is the same asshole he was from the beginning. You’re right though, it IS very sad. So much wasted potential. And that’s how I see it. A WASTE of a living, breathing human being.
Petitie- Hang in there. I think here is the US, as far as men paying on dates and stuff. I think it just depends upon the person. It’d be nice if the guy paid for me. EXPOS was huge about paying for me when we went out, until the last few months we were together. I had to pay. If I didn’t, he’d be pissed. Of course, I didn’t know at the time he was putting out the big bucks to love bomb another chick in another state. Go figure.
It’s not important in finding out that his new hook up, is in fact quite beautiful and also has LOTS of money. I think had I had money to offer he may well have stayed to suck the life blood out of me, but in thinking about it more, sometimes I forget what I was doing to extricate from the relationship in the first place. I wanted out.
Anyway….things are VERY slowly turning around. I’m very depressed and exhausted, BUT, I’m starting to shift to thinking about my future now, as well as what to do in the present to help relieve some of my depression. I really want to join my gym just up the street, but I don’t have the money. Yes, Petitie, ex pays child support, however, he will be going back to jail soon so that will be gone. Then there will be nothing. I’m currently living off student loans, but I have to appeal this term because I dropped all my classes except one to focus on getting myself back on my feet. It was impossible to concentrate and focus to the degree that I needed too. I Hope my appeal is approved for next term. So prayers about that would be nice. My therapist and doctor are both willing to write letters to the appeal folks at financial aid. But we shall see. that doesn’t give me very long to decide what to do. What I wanted to do before, with my degree, I don’t want to do now. My education is VERY important to me, I owe over a hundred thousand right now. To do a graduate program in psychology will be at least that and more. Trying to figure out what scholarships might be available to assist in getting through school in the event I can go back. I got an offer from my doctor, whom I’ve known for years, of joining the clinic in some capacity in the future (not now, my healing is paramount at the moment), to help patients there, many whom are in very violent or abusive relationships. My doctor and I will be having a meeting in a few months to discuss this further, and how to integrate it all. We discussed the possibility of doing an internship in the clinic. That was kind of exciting. I realize I have to sit in the now for awhile, but I DO worry about the future and think about it. I have two children still left at home to care for. I can’t blow off that responsibility, I’m also not “skilled” enough to get a job that would take care of us. I still want to finish my education. I’ve worked very hard and am a good student.
Petitie, this is where you are immensely blessed. You’re ESTABLISHED. You can be very proud of that! I wish I was!!! Admittedly I’m a bit jealous LOL!!! Everyone here has a career or did that was pretty impressive. I’m glad you didn’t go with this guy. You’re stronger than you think you are. He would have LIVED to destroy your career. I know you’re very world renowned in your field. YOU would have been the perfect target chica, not just because you’d have been the “trophy” girlfriend, but that wouldn’t have lasted petitie, because in thinking about it, the biggest thrill this man would have would be to BREAK YOU more than you are already “broken”. You would have been so soul destroyed Petitie that you would NOT eventually be able to deal with your career at all. The more mind effing games they play, the harder it is to concentrate on things that are important, including your career. I know of women who were in upper professional careers that were destroyed financially, emotionally and in their professions due to a spath. My doc was one of them.
I just found out about that the other day.
That’s what they do. They want to “feed” off of you.
Whatever it is that makes you world renowned or good at what you do, is what he wants too. To take that from you. Can you say envy? They are that too.
Katy, I know you get impatient with me at times, but it’s cool.
I get impatient with me too. Can I come over for dinner tomorrow? lol!
Ox, thanks for the beating. Needed it.
LL
Stargazer, I love your post!!! You are an inspiration to me!
I am so happy to hear you are going to go on the trip to Costa Rica!
I think when we “change the channel” on all things in our life…
that we start attracting new things…
do you think this is true? It sure seems to be happening to you!! Fabulous!
Dear LL,
Glad to oblige, just loveeeee beating people up! LOL ((((hugs))))
Candy, I am so glad that you are away from that creep. Yea, Petite, I think your BF was just a CHEAP CREEP—it wasn’t like he couldn’t have afforded to treat you….and I know that you are perfectly capable of paying your own way “dutch” but there are still some things that I think in the Situation of a “date” that a guy should offer to pay IF HE IS REASONABLY ABLE, and I have NO doubt that yours had plenty of money to do so…..thing is though since he was a KNOWN SERIAL CHEAT, he might have had the wife looking over all his Visa Bills seeing if he paid for 1 or 2 dinners. Or a two person hotel room etc.
Sometimes too, when they (controlling folks) do pay, they use it as a “SEE WHAT I DID FOR YOU?!” thing to try to guilt you in to doing what they want you to.
At least this way, Petite, you can feel good that you don’t OWE HIM ANYTHING.
“Sometimes too, when they (controlling folks) do pay,they use it as a “SEE WHAT I DID FOR YOU?!” thing to try to guilt you into doing what they want you to do.
EXACTLY WHAT MINE DID CONSTANTLY!! He was also “cheap” on a lot of levels, while spending extravagantly for himself or his kids.
Ox, yea, I knwo, I know… LOL! You can put the skillet away for today.. 🙂
LL – I’m reading your posts and you have come a long way over the last few weeks. Well done – you are now at the point where YOU can advise/suggest ways forward for others. Brilliant.
Candy,
Thank you so much! That is VERY kind. It’s very encouraging that others can see something that I can’t just yet.
Rest well!!
LL