Sitting with an antisocial or sociopathic client is an interesting experience—for a while, anyway, until it grows tedious”¦almost boring. There is the initial curiosity about, and fascination with, the client’s antisocial behaviors”¦their nature”¦breadth.
Perhaps there’s even a certain rubbernecking interest in the train-wreck of moral turpitude these clients present—with their staggering patterns of ethical and moral debaseness. Admittedly, it can be breathtaking, on certain levels, to behold the magnitude of their abuse of others’ boundaries and dignity, accompanied by missing feelings of accountability and remorse.
And the interest in the experience with such clients persists a bit longer when you are dealing with someone who is “intelligent.” There’s something just inherently more compelling, at least initially, about an “intelligent” sociopath who guiltlessly transgresses others in the gross, chronic way that sociopaths do, versus the less intelligent sociopath, whose intellectual limitations seem to dim, however unfairly, the spectacular nature of his violations.
But after a while, as I say, sitting with the sociopathic client, however intelligent he may even be, grows tedious. It’s not unlike the experience of discovering that someone you expected to find extremely interesting (and perhaps did, initially) is, at bottom, really a boring individual with little to say or offer. There’s something anti-climactically disappointing in the discovery of the individual’s gross limitations.
With most sociopathic personalities, in my experience, this sense of disillusionment—of of having to face the reality, ultimately, of their emotional vacuity—occurs in the work with them. As different in temperament and intelligence as they may be, ultimately sociopaths prove to be highly ungratifying clients to work with. This is because, regardless of their ability to talk the talk, they are, ultimately, unable to make themselves genuinely accountable for their actions, the fact of which, after a while, simply grows tiresome.
The sociopathic client just doesn’t feel, in a heart-felt way, so many of the things he “allegedly” is ready to own, or the reforms he is “allegedly” ready to make; and when this becomes clear—as it always does—a certain tedium, boredom enters the sessions.
This boredom, I think, arises in the recognition of the futility of making a real connection with the sociopath; also in the futility of his making any sort of real connection to the pain he’s caused others, and will continue to cause others, despite his superficial assertions of regret and remorse.
And so this is where the big yawns threaten to emerge with regularity. It’s the feeling of having your time wasted, which is exactly what the sociopath is doing. He is wasting your time, as he wastes everything from which he doesn’t derive a personally, selfishly compelling benefit.
It is that moment of untruth—that moment when it becomes clear that, no matter how verbally interesting and, perhaps, even engaging he may be, the sociopathic individual finally lacks anything substantive to say, feel, or aspire to. Lacking this substance, the possibly initially engaging experience with him yields, ultimately, to the sense of being futilely engaged with an emotional cipher.
That is, for a while his charisma, charm and engaging qualities, if they are present, may compensate for the missing underlying emotional substance. But there is a shelf-life for this compensatory entertainment before the tedium of his barren inner emotional life begins to weigh down the experience of him. There is a limit to hearing the same repetitive pronouncements of intended change, pseudo remorse and responsibility.
There is also a limit, beyond which it becomes increasingly oppressive to sit with the sociopath, who in one breath may claim responsibility for his violations of others, while in the very next withdraw his pseudo-assumption of responsibility and abruptly rationalize the very behavior that, only moments before, he seemingly repudiated?
This is the sociopath at work. Sitting with him can be an interesting experience. But as his particular, underlying emotional disability surfaces, the interest leads, surpisingly quickly, to a feeling of ennui”¦almost oppression.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake only and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
Petitie, been reading A LOT of the articles today and that was one of them.
I read here a lot, everyday.
Steve is awesome at getting to the bottom of spath behaviors, isn’t he? I admire his insights and perceptions. They’re pretty darned accurate and really provoke thought!
LL
Yes, he is super super good.
I also look out for his articles.
I think we both are crazy and need peace and calm. Let us help each other and reinforce the fact that yes we got duped, we were naive, we had poor boundaries, we accepted twisted reality as we wanted the dream so bad, we are still grieving the impossible, the bubble burst, luckily for both of us, before we became their wives.
so count our blessings and move forward with courage that the good in us will shine bright.
petite
LL,
I love how you bravely face your demons and don’t mince words. It’s hard.
You said, “so that this never happens again”
That’s one reason. I think there are others, I sense that there are other benefits in going through this crap. I sense that it’s more than self-protection. I think it has to do with self-actualization, but I don’t know because I’m not there yet.
In a way, I’m like a spath about these things. I know the words but I can’t hear the music. I have a vague knowledge about what it’s like to be healthy and self-actualized but I’m not there yet. I still haven’t gotten there, I don’t think.
When we finish going through our growing pains and gain wisdom, I hope that there will be new opportunities waiting for us. Already it’s getting better a tiny bit at a time.
Sky
With all the support here it IS getting better, even though I’m still battling the reality that this man was a socio.
What’s worse is that I’m battling that I was tremendously addicted to him.
Getting past that part of it, with the initial NC (which I’ve not yet broken), and going through the withdrawals, is the hardest part of all of this shit. Then comes the deep introspection, the demons roaring away at one another in there. His and mine.
It totally sucks. But I’m determined to get out of this hell.
LL
LL,
I know, half the shit that we feel is not even ours. It’s THEIR slime. The fuckers are contagious.
Edit: ok, my last comment was inappropriate, I deleted it.
I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed myself.
I’m thinking about sending him a transcript of the letter I found in the bible. I know that NC is the way, but I want to do it. Can anyone give me a GOOD REASON, why I shouldn’t?
I’m sad and wish only that he could be healed. I don’t want him back. That could never happen but to prevent him from spreading more evil, even for a little while. But spaths are so convoluted that showing them any emotion could make it worse. If only I knew…If only God would have answered his prayer. It isn’t for me that I want to send it. It’s because I fear that he’s out there hurting and maybe killing people. Can someone tell me why my logic is crazed? I know that it is.
Sky – to what end? ask yourself what the outcome is, and what you want from it. Will you get it?
Most of my ‘i want to do it anyway’ ideas are self destructive.
how is receiving a letter (which was probably a load of crap) going to heal a spath or stop him from killing people? there is NO logic in that. the only thing that would stop a spath from killing people is being incarcerated…and maybe not even then.
You don’t know that that letter was heartfelt. He might have written it to con someone with …it has no meaning sky. Let it go.
one more thing – you seem particularly interested in being rescued right now – i’d posit that you are going through some important change, and/ or your internal system is being challenged in some way and you want to go back, in some small way, to a fight/ dynamic you are familiar with. my thing with my family is: if the abusers are happy, i’m safe. Is there any of that mentality functioning in your desire to reach out to the spath?
Lesson Learned, you said:
“That is so true. Spath tapped into the deeper parts of my trauma bonds. And that was my sexuality. I allowed that, I ENCOURAGED that. Sex=bonding, even though logically I know that’s not true. Spath used that. He used my need/want/love of sex to get what he wanted from me. And I used it as a tool for him to love me. I figured the better I was in bed (mind you, his MO was “I’m inexperienced, teach me”), the more he’d love me. Narcissistic, wouldn’t you say? I would. I could not have told you that at the time. This is perhaps what I’m projecting into his relationshit with his new victim too. It was also very devastating because during the relationshit, I more than once heard, “you’re the bomb babe, the BEST I’ve ever had””
Wow, is that ever familiar. It’s what happened here too.
As Oxy has said a million times, and it’s true, this starts out being about them but turns into being about us. The … I don’t know what to call him … I knew (I only knew his false self though) said to me once, “This is so easy.” Well, if that doesn’t tell you all about him and even more about me, I don’t know what. I made it so easy for him to get what he wanted, which was some sexual admiration, conquest, seduction, supply. Because it was what was hidden inside of me waiting for his ‘perfect’ key to unlock it: this is all I’m worth. It’s what I’m for. I couldn’t have made up a man better equipped to make me go entirely insane by bringing out my hidden issues. Had no idea how unwell and dysfunctional I was, because of childhood, until he came and showed me WHAT I THOUGHT OF MYSELF. Gotta capitalise that.
I was brought a MIRROR in the shape of a highly narcissistic sex addict, and my obsession for the past three years has been staring and poking into that sick image at what I believed I was: what my parents, especially dad, told me I was and what I have carried inside.
I have been addicted to the laptop, trying to understand and to break my addiction to him, and it wasn’t until I got the antilogger and realised that he was reading everything I typed that I saw what meeting him had turned me into. I saw myself through his eyes and had to do something about that. I lost my whole life for three years, but Sky I believe you’re right when you say that what we find is self-actualisation. Actually, I’ve found the world. I’ve found myself. I’ve dropped the old person, my old core beliefs, my fear … way more than that.
I believe that you become healed when that lock inside you doesn’t fit their key any more. Nothing they bring matches any part of you, once you heal. They just couldn’t touch you, mentally or physically. You would just smile. The anger and hatred goes, although you have to get to it to turn the depression outward, and eventually (argh, but it takes so long!) when you see YOURSELF with compassion you can give it to them. Not face-to-face because that’s unnecessary, but when you no longer have anything inside you that verifies their assessment of you, i.e. that you are only worthy of being used, somewhere to put their shame or rage or contempt, a blooming toilet for goodness sake, then there is no negativity left. I don’t feel anger at him any more, or shame over what I became with him, because it’s brought me real mental health and I now see it as Life taking care of me. Both he and I were doing what we do. Now I do better, and what he does isn’t my concern. I understand that he’s probably not a spath, just a narcissist, but there are similarities and crossovers and all that matters is he hurts people badly, in his own need for gratification. He’s sick, that’s for sure. But so was I. Sicker than I knew. My sickness was self-loathing.
Sky, the good reason not to contact him is that he isn’t your business. Only you are your business and contact wouldn’t help you to grow. We can’t grow if we keep bringing in things which are negative, and for you he is negative. You won’t stop him hurting people or killing them if that’s what he’s going to do.
brilliant post verity. i am going to copy it and save it.
One/joy, thanks. That means a lot. I have worked SO FRIGGIN HARD and it’s paid off. The shame I’ve gone through nearly killed me at times. This ‘work’ we have to do has been like giving birth for three years and actually it was, because I was giving birth to me. The *real* me who *isn’t* who I was told I was by the first abuser, and who was brought back into my conscious awareness by the most recent one.
Gawd, I need a rest, haha. We all do. I hope you’re doing well One/joy. I don’t read very often now but wish everyone well.