Sitting with an antisocial or sociopathic client is an interesting experience—for a while, anyway, until it grows tedious”¦almost boring. There is the initial curiosity about, and fascination with, the client’s antisocial behaviors”¦their nature”¦breadth.
Perhaps there’s even a certain rubbernecking interest in the train-wreck of moral turpitude these clients present—with their staggering patterns of ethical and moral debaseness. Admittedly, it can be breathtaking, on certain levels, to behold the magnitude of their abuse of others’ boundaries and dignity, accompanied by missing feelings of accountability and remorse.
And the interest in the experience with such clients persists a bit longer when you are dealing with someone who is “intelligent.” There’s something just inherently more compelling, at least initially, about an “intelligent” sociopath who guiltlessly transgresses others in the gross, chronic way that sociopaths do, versus the less intelligent sociopath, whose intellectual limitations seem to dim, however unfairly, the spectacular nature of his violations.
But after a while, as I say, sitting with the sociopathic client, however intelligent he may even be, grows tedious. It’s not unlike the experience of discovering that someone you expected to find extremely interesting (and perhaps did, initially) is, at bottom, really a boring individual with little to say or offer. There’s something anti-climactically disappointing in the discovery of the individual’s gross limitations.
With most sociopathic personalities, in my experience, this sense of disillusionment—of of having to face the reality, ultimately, of their emotional vacuity—occurs in the work with them. As different in temperament and intelligence as they may be, ultimately sociopaths prove to be highly ungratifying clients to work with. This is because, regardless of their ability to talk the talk, they are, ultimately, unable to make themselves genuinely accountable for their actions, the fact of which, after a while, simply grows tiresome.
The sociopathic client just doesn’t feel, in a heart-felt way, so many of the things he “allegedly” is ready to own, or the reforms he is “allegedly” ready to make; and when this becomes clear—as it always does—a certain tedium, boredom enters the sessions.
This boredom, I think, arises in the recognition of the futility of making a real connection with the sociopath; also in the futility of his making any sort of real connection to the pain he’s caused others, and will continue to cause others, despite his superficial assertions of regret and remorse.
And so this is where the big yawns threaten to emerge with regularity. It’s the feeling of having your time wasted, which is exactly what the sociopath is doing. He is wasting your time, as he wastes everything from which he doesn’t derive a personally, selfishly compelling benefit.
It is that moment of untruth—that moment when it becomes clear that, no matter how verbally interesting and, perhaps, even engaging he may be, the sociopathic individual finally lacks anything substantive to say, feel, or aspire to. Lacking this substance, the possibly initially engaging experience with him yields, ultimately, to the sense of being futilely engaged with an emotional cipher.
That is, for a while his charisma, charm and engaging qualities, if they are present, may compensate for the missing underlying emotional substance. But there is a shelf-life for this compensatory entertainment before the tedium of his barren inner emotional life begins to weigh down the experience of him. There is a limit to hearing the same repetitive pronouncements of intended change, pseudo remorse and responsibility.
There is also a limit, beyond which it becomes increasingly oppressive to sit with the sociopath, who in one breath may claim responsibility for his violations of others, while in the very next withdraw his pseudo-assumption of responsibility and abruptly rationalize the very behavior that, only moments before, he seemingly repudiated?
This is the sociopath at work. Sitting with him can be an interesting experience. But as his particular, underlying emotional disability surfaces, the interest leads, surpisingly quickly, to a feeling of ennui”¦almost oppression.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake only and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
Kim
I TOTALLY agree with you. I really do! I could never afford her training seminars, although if I COULD, I might consider it. There is LOADS of info out there, not just here, but elsewhere too. I think the MORE information that is put out there, the BETTER for those who are suffering from this kind of trauma.
I think this site is wonderful and I”ve learned SO MUCH from all the articles, as well as posting my experiences, thoughts and feelings and receiving validation. It’s critical to recovery, but using JUST this site as a source of info without other sources, therapy, medications, what have you, to move past this and heal, isn’t appropriate. That’s just MY opinion. It’s helped me a lot to read different books, my therapy, meds…and blog and read here more. ALL of those elements combined help me soooo much!
That this site is free, in coming to terms with our experiences is actually invaluable. LOTS here have been taken financially and don’t have the means to buy books, go to seminars, etc. This site can be life saving. And that has not escaped me.
LL
Blue,
I completely understand. The drama-crazy making was the biggest element of confusion for me, I think. I got addicted to the drama. Never knew when the hat was going to drop. The peace NEVER lasted. Always off balance.
I’m starting to come to terms with pathologicals in general. That has been hard for me to accept. I’ve spent a lot of time not being able to walk through the door to the rest of my healing process, because I’ve been projecting normal into abnormal. Until i can completely embrace that and integrate that into my brain, walking further ahead is going to be slow.
LL
lesson learned,
I have the day off, wanting to let you know how happy I am for you, that you got a good report back from the doctors. The waiting for test results can be a trying, difficult time. I’m glad you’re through that part of the process.
Back to my earlier post, it’s too bad that it took so long to realize that the spath I know isn’t as intelligent as I thought he was, thus, the reason he has so many problems. The trouble for me is that I stupidly ASSUME too much about others (attributing qualities to them that they don’t necessarily possess), getting myself into trouble, taking too long to figure things out.
blue
that is a VERY good point, oh and thank you for saying that about my results! I’m pleased.
Anyway, I’m not sure stupidly is a great way to accurately describe yourself, although I understand that it might FEEL that way (I sure do at times), but I think you make a great point about attributing qualities to them that they don’t necessarily possess. That’s projection. Projecting normal into abnormal. The other day in therapy I was projecting all over the place. But really, I think what it is, at least for me, and maybe something for you to chew on, is just boundary issues, ya know? I think that’s one of the keys in not allowing ourselves to get into situations or as you put it, trouble with people like this. Having a good understanding of myself and my boundaries and what is toxic behavior and what is not (this is the process for me right now because I grew up in a very toxic environment), will give me the gift of discerning better, others motives and/or intentions. Toxic=bye bye. 🙂
LL
lesson learned,
I know you are – what a relief to not get bad news about one’s health.
The posts that I read are beneficial, helping me to “get on down the road.” I’ll read how someone handled a situation and I can apply their remedy to myself, all of it being good.
Last night, I was SO ANGRY with psychology, stuck in the labels. I think it’s important, in the beginning, but am finding that psychology is a very subjective science, to which there is no single label or definition that anyone can agree on. this throws confusion into the mix with a lay person who knows nothing of psychopaths and that the science is relatively new without a lot of new, mindblowing research for someone like me looking for solid answers. It seems somewhat contradictory to me to see things like “The Ten Signs you may be dating a sociopath” and then while blogging, talking with others, even my therapist about it, that because one cannot PROVE that one is a psychopath, that the likelihood that this person will carry on his/her destructive behavior without a diagnosis is very unsettling, very painful when trying to understand, and somewhat invalidating to simplify into terms such as “Well it’s just toxic and that’s all you really need to know”.
I don’t buy that.
If we cannot apply an appropriate label to our experience, which is FAR FAR different than just your average “toxic” individual, of which I’ve also had relationships with (let’s also define toxic here), what information is considered accurate within the realms of psychology that validates the victims of these people?
How can we put out the ten signs that you’re dating a sociopath, only to find out that you can’t “label” someone with this disorder and then it just moves into, well it’s just toxic, blah blah blah…
Something about that just really disturbs me. My therapist and I continue to debate this topic. Not all abusers he has seen are psychopaths. it is a different animal altogether. It is RARE to find a therapist who is knowledgeable about this issue and prefers to label a person “toxic” that a victim has been in a relationship with, dangerously assumes that “toxic” can be fixed, because there ARE situations to which it CAN, if they are NOT pathological.
I’ve seen that happen too. It’s not as common as I’d like to see, but it DOES happen.
I understood what “toxic” meant from my perspective, what I knew when I was with this man, abuser for sure, but place the elements of a relationship with a sociopath and you have a totally different ball of wax altogether.
I’m at the point in the process where I’m still trying to integrate the dynamics of a sociopath into my psyche, FAR different than just an “abuser”, or someone who is “toxic”.
I think this elements is SO crucial and critical to understanding the differences.
And there is a difference. Just like Steve’s article here represents. He “gets” it….and I’m often absorbed in these articles and read them over and over, because assuredly a professional who clearly understands the dynamics of sociopaths also understands the toxic levels to which they truly are. And thus, this article from those in the true KNOW helps to validate my experience, more than any other right now, at least from a professional perspective. It would be interesting to sit with STEVE for an hour and listen to HIS perspectives from a professional viewpoint. Because the LABEL is accurate.
Far different than just a simple, “he’s toxic and that’s it”.
Just my thoughts for the day.
LL
Steve,
Your post has really affected my way of thinking about spaths. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since reading it. There is something so profound here. It’s like a new layer of concepts have been uncovered.
I have felt better, in so many ways since I read it. I can’t explain why or how, at this point. Thanks so much.
LL,
I agree with your thoughts.
One of the reasons I didn’t dump my lying sack of shit after reading “People of the Lie” (at age 17) was because Dr. Peck went into describing “evil”, just as your therapist did. Evil is a word that’s been around for so long and the term has become almost subjective. “Toxic” is the same. For centuries, spaths have gotten away with murder because the labels have been evocative of the supernatural and it instills fear in people rather than understanding. Consequently, the spath-supply spends her time running away from spath and running right into another one, rinse and repeat.
Finally, we are getting to the point where we are getting this personality disorder and how it meshes with our own vulnerabilities. That is key.
I think that is what is so interesting about Steve’s article. I kind of know how spaths think but I’ve always wondered how they feel – apart from the rage and envy. How does it feel to be so shallow and two-dimensional? The answer: it feels like an oppressive boredom. A boredom so overwhelming that they will do anything to escape it. It explains so much of what they do. It explains why exP had to re-enact the story that his friend told him about having sex in a boat. They don’t have a single original thought in their heads. That’s why they are constantly needing to feed on us: our looks, our values, our possessions.
Blows my mind. My spath sister did the same thing when we were growing up.
what comes to mind is….
WHAH, WHAH, WHAH………
How can a therapist, who is spending an hour or so with a client, presumably to ‘help’ this person in some form, sit there and listen to …..
WHAH, WHAH, WHAH…….for weeks on end…..without yawning.
Good post Steve……Thank you!
skylar,
My question for myself is, now that I’m getting mored knowledgeable about sociopaths/psychopaths, what is the meaning of it in our lives, what are we supposed to do with this information? Is it just supposed to be something that we now know about, but that’s all? People do not believe that there are sociopaths/psychopaths in their midst – too far-fetched in their way of thinking, especially if the person is someone that they interact with, supposedly have a relationship with. Maybe, just having the information that we have is for our benefit alone, knowing who to avoid in the future?