Sitting with an antisocial or sociopathic client is an interesting experience—for a while, anyway, until it grows tedious”¦almost boring. There is the initial curiosity about, and fascination with, the client’s antisocial behaviors”¦their nature”¦breadth.
Perhaps there’s even a certain rubbernecking interest in the train-wreck of moral turpitude these clients present—with their staggering patterns of ethical and moral debaseness. Admittedly, it can be breathtaking, on certain levels, to behold the magnitude of their abuse of others’ boundaries and dignity, accompanied by missing feelings of accountability and remorse.
And the interest in the experience with such clients persists a bit longer when you are dealing with someone who is “intelligent.” There’s something just inherently more compelling, at least initially, about an “intelligent” sociopath who guiltlessly transgresses others in the gross, chronic way that sociopaths do, versus the less intelligent sociopath, whose intellectual limitations seem to dim, however unfairly, the spectacular nature of his violations.
But after a while, as I say, sitting with the sociopathic client, however intelligent he may even be, grows tedious. It’s not unlike the experience of discovering that someone you expected to find extremely interesting (and perhaps did, initially) is, at bottom, really a boring individual with little to say or offer. There’s something anti-climactically disappointing in the discovery of the individual’s gross limitations.
With most sociopathic personalities, in my experience, this sense of disillusionment—of of having to face the reality, ultimately, of their emotional vacuity—occurs in the work with them. As different in temperament and intelligence as they may be, ultimately sociopaths prove to be highly ungratifying clients to work with. This is because, regardless of their ability to talk the talk, they are, ultimately, unable to make themselves genuinely accountable for their actions, the fact of which, after a while, simply grows tiresome.
The sociopathic client just doesn’t feel, in a heart-felt way, so many of the things he “allegedly” is ready to own, or the reforms he is “allegedly” ready to make; and when this becomes clear—as it always does—a certain tedium, boredom enters the sessions.
This boredom, I think, arises in the recognition of the futility of making a real connection with the sociopath; also in the futility of his making any sort of real connection to the pain he’s caused others, and will continue to cause others, despite his superficial assertions of regret and remorse.
And so this is where the big yawns threaten to emerge with regularity. It’s the feeling of having your time wasted, which is exactly what the sociopath is doing. He is wasting your time, as he wastes everything from which he doesn’t derive a personally, selfishly compelling benefit.
It is that moment of untruth—that moment when it becomes clear that, no matter how verbally interesting and, perhaps, even engaging he may be, the sociopathic individual finally lacks anything substantive to say, feel, or aspire to. Lacking this substance, the possibly initially engaging experience with him yields, ultimately, to the sense of being futilely engaged with an emotional cipher.
That is, for a while his charisma, charm and engaging qualities, if they are present, may compensate for the missing underlying emotional substance. But there is a shelf-life for this compensatory entertainment before the tedium of his barren inner emotional life begins to weigh down the experience of him. There is a limit to hearing the same repetitive pronouncements of intended change, pseudo remorse and responsibility.
There is also a limit, beyond which it becomes increasingly oppressive to sit with the sociopath, who in one breath may claim responsibility for his violations of others, while in the very next withdraw his pseudo-assumption of responsibility and abruptly rationalize the very behavior that, only moments before, he seemingly repudiated?
This is the sociopath at work. Sitting with him can be an interesting experience. But as his particular, underlying emotional disability surfaces, the interest leads, surpisingly quickly, to a feeling of ennui”¦almost oppression.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake only and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
Katy,
I just figured out why I’ve reacted to angrily to some of the things you’ve written, even though they were NOT meant by you to be that way.
I’m so PISSED at myself!!! Everytime you write about what your husband did and all the women he attempted to suck in, I get angrier and angrier!!! I feel a compilation of many things…..
But this is really anger projected when it’s actually within.
I remember THREE specific times when I KNEW I should bail out of the relationshit!!! THREE. But he sweet talked his stupid ass back in. Looking back now, it was so obvious!! I”M SO ANGRY AT MYSELF for NOT bailing.
As more comes up, I’m finding myself vacillating from very deep depression to very huge fits of rage at this bastard.
I want to be, is COMPLETELY indifferent!!!! I SO ADMIRE those that were able to get to that point here, walk away and say bah bye asshole and were to completion INSIDE the relationshit to achieve a completely level of indifference. i was getting there, but I wasn’t there yet.
I”M SO MAD AT MYSELF…..SO angry at HIM.
And when I think about the shit he did to me, while he was doing it to her too, just in a different way, I’m MORE pissed off!!! He played us off one another with his crazymaking DELIBERATE drama
Bastard!!!
LL
Yep LL
B’s.
I dated my husband for several months. I had, up to that point, only dated for social life. I was ready to change my life and look for a life partner. In a very vulnerable, very sweet tender moment, I explained to him what I was ready to remove the barrier and make myself available for a relationship for as far as any could go (including marriage.) but that I was not the kind of person that would stand in line for any man so if he was that kind of man, then we were not a match.
He USED MY WORDS TO SEDUCE the town ho. She was so proud, telling what he said to her, b/c she was SOOO special that he wanted their relationship to to as far as any could go, including marriage.
WORDs that I held dear as marking the beginning of our love, when I was so vulnerable, putting myself out there to be rejected. He remembered my words YEARS later to use like a dialog line out of a movie/tv show. My visceral reaction to hearing what he’d done literally knocked me to my knees, I remember my legs went to jelly….
help me, someone.
my world is turned upside down again.
I thought I knew it all. Everytime that happens God shows me I’m wrong in a completely unexpected way.
I was at my cabin trying to clean it up and I found a bible in the storage shed. I recognized it as my exP’s bible. I hadn’t seen it for years, since the 1980’s. He kept it in the box it came in. I fully expected to open it and find porn in it.
You have to understand, I’m NOT wrong. He IS the poster child for evil. He does love to do evil. I’m not mistaken. In fact this actually confirms it. BUT it adds another dimension to my knowledge that I don’t know what to do with.
I found a letter inside the bible. I’ll transcribe it here, complete with errors, because he doesn’t spell very well. And he has problems with the words ARE, OUR, and OR. He doesn’t know the differences in the meanings of those words. Also, he writes all in caps so I’ll do it here too.
Here’s the letter:
“ARE FATHER WHO ARE IN HEVEN
PLEASE HEAR MY PRAYER
MY BODY IS SICK, AND MY MIND IS CONFUSED.
THE TERROR OF DEATH HAS FALLEN UPON ME.
I HAVE LIVED THE LIFE YOU GAVE ME IN SINFUL AND EVIL WAYS, AND HAVE DISOBEYED YOUR COMMANDMENTS AND BROKEN YOUR LAWS.
I HAVE MADE OTHER PEOPLE SIN AND BRAKE YOUR LAW’S AND SO I AM GULITY OF THERE SINS’ TO, O LORD FORGIVE THEM FOR IT WAS I WHO MISS LED THEM. O GOD FORGIVE ME, IF IT IS NOT TO LATE. WASH ME THOROUGHLY FROM MY WICKEDNESS AND CLEANSE ME FROM MY SINS FOR I KNOW MY TRANSGRESSIONS AND MY SINS OR EVER BEFORE ME. AGAINST YOU AND YOU ONLY HAVE I SINNED, AND DONE WHAT IS EVIL IN THY SIGHT. SO YOU ARE JUSTIFIED WHEN YOU SPEAK, AND BLAMELESS WHEN YOU JUDGE ME.
O GOD PLEASE DO NOT CAST ME AWAY FROM YOUR PRESENCE FOR MY EYS HAVE NEVER TRULY SEEN.
IT IS ONLY NOW IN MY FEAR AND SICKNESS THAT I HAVE TRIDE THIS HARD TO BE GOOD AND HAVE LEARNED THIS MUTCH. PLEASE DON’T TAKE THE HOLY SPIRIT FROM ME, RESTORE TO ME THE JOY OF THY SALVATION. MAKE ME TO HEAR JOY AND GLADNES AND SUSTAIN ME WITH A WILLING SPIRIT. MAKE ME WELL IN MY BODY AND MIND. THEN I WILL TEACH TRANSGRESSORS THY WAYS. O FATHER PLEASE GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE. AMEN
I ****** ******* HAVE WRITTEN THIS PRAYER 9/13/85 SO I MAY BE REMINED OF THE ONE MORE CHANCE THAT I ASKED OF GOD AND KEEP AND REMEMBER THE THING’S THAT I SAID
then there is another date in red in which he must of dated again 2 years later: 3/17/87
WTF?
somebody help me make sense of the psychopaths. I cried and cried when I read this. I remember when he was going through some stuff. he had constant stomach problems which I now understand came from stuffing his rage back in, but he didn’t know that. He was sick all the time for a while with terrible acid reflux.
It was easier for me when I stopped seeing him as a human being. There is no doubt he is evil, he even admits it in this letter that he leads other to do evil. But he struggled with it for a while. I know he was evil long before I met him (he was 28 years old) so why did he begin struggling at that point in time? This could not be the only time he had been sick.
Help me make sense of my world again. anyone?
((((((((((((( Sky ))))))))))))))))))))))
BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEATHE Chica…….
BIG deep breaths, one, two, three, four…..
This post is extremely triggering to me. It colludes with my sane side that said my spath was evil, yet appeals to the side the he is also a HUMAN BEING…..
My spath is also a licensed pastor, Sky.
A question to ask yourself here. BE VERY HONEST WITH YOURSELF……..what HAPPENED after he wrote this? IN your relationship? WHAT HAPPENED? With all this pining for God that he did (notice that it’s the same sort of shiat that a spath would write to a woman he didn’t want to lose), what HAPPENED AFTER THIS?
THAT is your answer as to the depth of what was written. Whatever it is that he may or may not have been “feeling” at the time, I believe their pathology also affects their relationship with God and that they relate the SAME WAY with him….perhaps there was a bit of truth to his words……….maybe something he WANTED TO Believe………but what happened after that Sky? WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS BEHAVIORS AFTER THIS? DId they change? Was he MORE loving? Did he change after this?
They do the same things with God that they do with other empathic human beings, Sky.
They manipulate God too.
WHAT CHANGED AFTER THIS WAS WRITTEN? WHAT HAS CHANGED NOW???
GET A GRIP GIRL AND ANSWER THOSE QUESTIONS FOR YOURSELF IN REALITY!!
Did he mean what he said? Probably. AT THE TIME. Did it LAST? PRobably not.
LL
((((LL)))))
thank you I needed to feel a hug.
I knew it would be hard for you to read this because you’ve just been wondering how human they are and I’ve been trying to convince you that they aren’t, and now I’m having to eat my words. He is evil but still human. DAMN!
He didn’t write this for anyone other than himself. So he wasn’t trying to impress anyone, other than maybe God.
I remember that he would go into depressions but there was nothing I could do except buy him presents. Later, I just assumed that he was doing it so that I would buy him presents.
It’s hard to remember how things were between us. I was still madly in love but there were always fights and drama. Still I was happy with him. We still had sex back then, but I recently learned that he was screwing little kids as far back as 1983, the year we met, while I was at work. He may have changed for a while. But spaths do behave and then misbehave, usually it’s just a set up.
I know he’s still a spath, actually more so than ever, but now I wonder what that means. I feel so badly that I wasn’t able to help him because he DIDN’T ASK ME. I would have gone to the ends of the earth to help him be good or to help him get therapy or WHATEVER it took.
I just showed my BF the letter and he looked pissed. I’m such a failure at relationshits.
Sky My X kept a white bible with his stuff – i never saw him open it – he never discussed God or religion…I dunno what to say about your find…just have yourself a good cry maybe that is why you found it, to release some grief….hugs
((((((((((( Sky ))))))))))))))))))
I love you. And you’re NOT a failure at relationshits. It’s the partners who were seeking you out like a cruise missile to destroy you and your faith in God/humanity.
I understand why you feel the way you do in reaction to that letter. I struggle with this every single day of my life. Trying to understand spath is like trying to understand Japanese without instruction as to how to learn it. It’s not possible, Sky.
Keep your feet on terra firma here. You’re still reeling from this letter. I totally understand how you feel about you would have done anything to help him if he had asked. But they aren’t capable of that Chica.
I remember ex POS would give me glimmers into what he was about. Sometimes, saying little snippets of things that just WOUNDED ME all end………”i’m a failure and I know it. I always will be and I always have been.”
“I’m crazy and I know it”
“I WILL hurt you” (said early on in the relationshit)
“I just make your life crazy and cause you stress”
“this is what I am. I know I’m nuts”
“you should be with someone who can love you. I can’t do that for some reason”
“You’re a wonderful woman and I’m just an idiot”
All of those things were true. I believe he meant them when he said them…………..or did he? But Sky, does it MATTER? This is where our hearts as human beings, get so sick and twisted with the words they say or write………..but this is a situation where you MUST SEE HIS ACTIONS, NOT READ/LISTEN TO HIS WORDS, CHICA!!!
I understand how MUCH this hurts you. I so get it.
But really…….as yourself, be COMPLETELY honest with yourself. what Happened AFTER he wrote this?
A word of advice: Don’t show your bf anymore of ex POS’s shit.
This is for you to sort through as more is revealed. If it’s a lot for you, it’s far more for someone who loves you that you’re involved with now, Chica.
People who love you, don’t want to see you hurting as much as this probably is hurting you. Not sure that the tie with ex POS and bf is a healthy one. A separation from the two of them and dealing with it on your own is best.
Sky, I just realized something. Making these spaths “Human” has a way of invalidating our experiences with them. Our hearts loved them, we cared, we tried, we put ourselves into boxes to deal with them. It’s easier to think of them as inhuman, because what they did to us, essentially WAS inhuman…….
But the reality is, that they ARE human beings. This is what I struggle with everytime I think of seeing spath around. He is a living breathing human being. He goes through the MOTIONS of a human being. He has aches and pains like a human being…..
The difference is that, as human beings, they cannot SUSTAIN what it MEANS to be a human being because of their PATHOLOGY….
This is why I believe we are so terribly wounded and suffer so much. What your spath said in that letter, is much like whatever he said to you that delivered to you an idea that he was NOT pathological…that he had a conscience……..
But he doesn’t Sky. He never did. Think about it. Write it down. What happened AFTER that letter was written?
He may have meant it, with his whole heart (if he really had one) at the TIME, in that MOMENT of clarity “five seconds”, but his PATHOLOGY prevented him from doing ANYTHING about it.
Sweetheart…………..this is a process right now that I”m dealing with too. Grieving. It comes and it goes……..but because we are loving human beings, we grieve that someone is so ill…….
I loved my spath dearly. There is NOTHING and NO ONE that can tell me I didn’t. I did. For what I knew love to be. I feel that I’m talking myself OUT of loving him. But I DID love him. And if I could have helped him, I would have.
But that wasn’t and isn’t possible, Sky. So part of the grieving is also for the illness that takes these people’s lives. Wasted potentials. It is VERY sad……..
But thank God you are NOT where they are.
Because truthfully, the hell your spath writes about, is truly the hell they inhabit daily…..
There is no hope for him, mama. But there IS for you!!!
I love you, Sky. Think pink ponies and purple donkeys 🙂
LL
LL, your answer to skylar was so profound and so beautiful with all your empathy that it spreads to me too, this blissful feeling makes me feel like I’m sitting with your incredibly beautiful soul. What a perfect answer.
Yes, I like to say about my spath, that he is a weeble. You see, weebles wobble but they don’t fall down (maybe you all are too young to remember that commercial). Skylar’s spath had a wobble, they are terrified of death and I’m thinking he thought he was on the road to hell and wanted to save his soul. And if ya noticed, he channeled. “Joy of Thy Salvation?” Thy? Sounds like someone had bible school sometime in their life. Too bad the real message of God did not stick with him.
It has always been my blessing and my curse to my spath, that he KNOW the Love of God. KNOW it for what it will cost him to know it, and KNOW it b/c it is the only thing that will save him.
Lesson,
RE: the things they say that sound so real.
Just so you know, my husband could say such sweet endearing things and I know he meant them. Problem was, he didn’t mean them five seconds later and forgot soon after that he ever said them at all. His words were not enough, he did NOT live them. MY Grasping onto moments of his kindness did not sustain a lifetime relationship.
Notice The dif when you first answered Skylar, you wrote from your soul and I bet you don’t take it back at all.
Thanks (((Hens)))
Yes LL and Katy, I remember now, we were always fighting but he would apologize back then. And he would get me a card and sign it “the creep”.
I have to remember the pathology: they stay children so anything that requires them to MAINTAIN an attitude, goes poof! Thank you for that LL.
I have just been dragged right back to the “what if?” stage. I’d come so far. Now my mind is right back there.
Last week my spath bro who put me in jail emailed me. I posted it too. It was all about loving me and not being the kind of brother I need or want. I dismissed it but today I thought I would jab him and I replied, “actions speak louder than words.”
Now even that has me bothered.