I am not sure why I am still shocked when people choose to blame the psychopath’s victim. I have heard that this is normal from others who have suffered from an encounter with psychopath, but I still get a bit shocked each time it happens to me. From friends, to family, to the courts, to complete strangers — people seem to want to find something wrong with me to somehow better explain to themselves how I ended up being fooled by my psychopath ex. It has been happening so long that sometimes I find myself wondering there is something wrong with me that made me ignore the red flags and believe the completely fantastic story he was telling me.
The Judgements:
This week alone, I have experienced both friends and family trying to psycho analyze me and question how I ended up with such a monster as the father of my son. I am not sure how to respond to people when they ask me absurd questions or decide that it was somehow my fault that I ended up being conned by Luc. Here are some of the things I have heard over the past year (the first two were said just this week):
1) “CQ, really”¦how did this happen? What were you thinking? I mean, please don’t feel as if I am blaming you”¦but how did you not see this coming?” – An old friend
2) ”I know what happened”¦.I think CQ must like to be controlled by an abusive man.” – A family member (behind my back)
3) ”Let’s be honest”¦you wanted a bad boy”¦so you are now getting what you asked for and deserve. My daughter, who is your age, would never be in this situation because she doesn’t like bad boys. She is marrying a man who wears suits and collared shirts.” – My Lawyer
4) ”You are not without fault here CQ, what you saw in this man”¦well, it must have been fairy dust”¦and now the fairy dust has disappeared and you are going to have to deal with him for at least the next 18 years.” – The Judge in our Custody War
5) ”You didn’t have a problem with him touching you, so you shouldn’t be so bothered that he is now touching your son.”
– Family member
My Reality:
The hardest thing for people to understand, it seems, is how a person can be conned by someone who is so clearly dysfunctional. My response to that is, “when a person’s full time job is to learn everything about you — your hopes, dreams, weaknesses — in order to exploit and con you — you will likely end up conned.” I have used the analogy before of the frog and the boiling water and in this case I can’t think of another analogy that would prove my point any better. Psychopaths control the boiling water. They know that if they threw their victims into a pot of boiling water, most people would jump right out screaming and cursing at them. Instead, they slowly bring the water to boil with the intension of burning their victims alive.
Every time I walk into court, I feel like I am holding my heart inside of my chest with my bear hands. This process, this war, with Luc has torn me apart from the inside out. Luc’s boiling water effectively ripped me apart, but sometimes I feel as if the judgement and misunderstanding I receive from those I love (and society at large) is worse. I went from being a beautiful, self confident, intelligent, and successful woman — to a victim of a completely misunderstood abuse. Luc burned me alive, but society continues to blame me as if I willingly jumped into a burning fire along side satan.
The Future:
I want my son to know his mama as the woman I was — but wiser. I dread the day when my son might join society and make judgements about what happened with his father. Will he understand how his father used my kindness against me? Will he understand why I tried to hold the relationship together even when it seemed clear to the rest of the world that it was a hopeless situation? Will he understand why I fought so hard to protect him from a man I once trusted?
It’s easy to think about all the horrible things Luc is and ignore the things that attracted me to this man. While many of the things that attracted me to Luc were not real (most of them were completely fake actually), there are good qualities in Luc. (Yes, you read that correctly) Despite the fact that my family refuses to see anything of Luc in baby boy, this is not the stance I will take as baby boy’s mother. Luc wasn’t born evil — he made choices. He took his talents and used them for evil. For example, being charming is not a bad thing if you don’t use it to manipulate and control others. Being a good actor isn’t a bad thing as long as you use it on stage to entertain instead of to lie and cheat.
I love baby boy for everything that he is and that means that I accept the fact that he is the product of what now feels like a violent emotional rape. I refuse to make my son feel bad for carrying half of the psychopath’s genes and I also refuse to lie to him. So while I kick myself every day for not paying attention to the now obvious red flags of Luc’s psychopathy, and I suffer through the constant judgements I receive from others, I would do it all over again for baby boy. I didn’t choose what Luc really is — but I will choose baby boy every day for the rest of my life.
Eralyn, GREAT question that you asked your daughter. I’m going to remember that one.
I have trouble understanding why the extended family picks them and not us.
I can accept that’s how things are, but emotionally, it still hurts me and I don’t understand it. I try to put it behind me and move on, but everytime family holidays or functions come up, it’s all back in our faces again. It hurts even more because I have to be the strong one for my son and show him how we can do it differently. It’s gotten a little less painful as the years go on, but never would I have envisioned this for us.
I keep telling myself that it’s only 24 hours and tomorrow is another day.
CappuccinoQueen, if I could reach out and hold you tight, I would. {{{{{HUGS}}}}
Your own attorney said that to you?! Oh, my…..I’d be looking for another one. Sheeeesh
Victim-blame is so common that it’s one of the reasons that victims of domestic violence balk at filing charges or restraining orders or TELLING someone about what’s going on.
I’m so sorry, CQueen. Hugs to you
Thanks everyone for your comments.
Truthspeak, yes…my lawyer actually did tell me that. Just recently when I was worried about the fact that my sons father refused to recognize me as the custodial parent when my son had a seizure and required medical care…he told me that if I didn’t stop going after my ex that I would lose custody. He also said that I needed to accept the good things my ex could offer my son like being manipulative and convincing. I wanted to throw up on his feet. That is the day I stormed out of the office crying. My mom tried to talk to them and an hour later all we ended up with was an 800 dollar bill and more tears and frustration.
I am looking for new lawyers, but honestly I am tired of going through the process with new people who don’t understand. The lawyers I have now don’t care and they are mean and inconsiderate…but they have heard the story. Eventually I will find new ones, but right now I am just trying to hang on and climb out of debt so that I can afford to change lawyers. When new lawyers hear my story, they see dollar signs and want thousands of dollars in retainer fees (like 20k plus).
I hear a lot of people talking about teenagers and how they can sit down with them and explain why their father left, etc. I pray that one day me and my son are close enough to do that. I also pray for a day when the courts allow me to choose how much access is healthy for my son. I don’t have the choice to make Luc prove that he isn’t going to hurt baby boy.
I think that is one of the hardest parts of this…I am being forced each week to turn baby boy over to someone I KNOW is not only incapable of true emotion…but someone who is dangerous and is capable of committing even murder.
Just today, I brought this up with my therapist. He told me that the reason I am meeting resistance from my attorneys is that I am asking them to do something they cannot do. I am asking them to help me make justice is served. He is totally right! Luc hurt my family more than I could have even imagined was possible. The things he did to us – they are unforgiveable. So the idea of raising my son with this devil around…I just can’t picture how it will be. It feels so unsustainable and unimaginable. To raise a child and turn them over to a man who raped and killed…
I know that asking those around me to not speak ill of Luc is going to be like an enormous mountain to overcome. I understand why it is important, but my entire family has been hurt by this man and none of us were given credibility and justice. I would like to believe that if I had my day in court where I could look Luc in the face and see that he was being prosecuted for the crimes he has committed against my family….maybe I could have an easier time going through the process of acceptance.
For now, however, I have a baby boy toddler who I am terrified for. I actually have nightmares about the things he will be exposed to and what Luc will do to him in order to get back at me for leaving him.
Cappuccinoqueen,
I had similar fears and it sounds like the same attorneys! It is the longest, worst, sick, fear along with being humiliated with lies and injustice as if you are insignificant while blowing your mind and breaking your core beliefs.
When you know the person is dangerous and you are forced to hand over what you naturally feel more protective of than anything in your life, it betrays reality.
You can get through this. It’s the only way. I watched the news every morning and evening and hoped my nightmare would end and I would see him on there as a fatality of a traffic accident or any other thing. I went through this when she was your sons age too. I had 3 years orders of protection against him her first years of life and he didn’t abide by any of them and never got into trouble for breaking them. Some did KNOW what he was though. When I was still believing the “christian” card, a police officer came to my home when my address showed up, yet again, and said “please, I don’t want to come here and see you and that baby harmed! I see through this guy and he’s going to stop at nothing! You are the best thing that will cross his path and you must protect your child!” I was stunned BUT I HEARD HIM. He had no reason to say this except to try to get through to me. I believed 2 dead cats in my front yard one morning were probably hit by a car. HE PUT THEM THERE. It wasn’t until 2 years later someone got through to me on that one. UGH!
It is no fun but it is a time where I felt God was punishing me or as my daughter said this round “God must not like you very much”….hhmm I had strangers who know the system tell me to keep my faith as at times you have to believe in some higher power when it is out of your control, your son is going to be ok. I know that is a task nobody should have to go through.
Remember this is a strategic mission not a front line type mission. You have to use your mind a lot. I wrote anything down I could find to be positive in my gratitude journal. Anything that would buy time and help turn the tide. Has this guy been convicted of any crimes? Do you have anything in your corner that you know he’ll hang himself with if given enough rope?
Luc has been arrested for just about everything under the sun from rape, to child abuse, to embezzlement….but nothing ever seems to stick. He has been a suspect in multiple murders….but no charges. Everyone who has come into contact with him has either died violently (including his own mom) or has been seriously hurt and tried to press charges for the terrible things he has done to them. But even with all the smoke and dead bodies…he walks a free man. That is why in the eyes of the court (even though everyone knows he is a criminal) he is treated as innocent because he has never been convicted. He has admitted to two crimes that anyone else would have been arrested on the spot for…nothing ever seems to happen to him. I feel like I am fighting to expose a ghost. If that makes sense….
C’queen, my own sperm donor freely admitted to murder….but though I personally know of TWO he killed, neither of which was in the US—he did get tossed out of one country for being suspected for that one murder—he never got nailed either.
He cheated on his taxes for decades and then got rich, stinking filthy rich, and still didn’t pay any and the IRS charged him BIG TIME and believe it or not, he beat it with “I didn’t know I was supposed to pay any.” The only consolation I get out of it is that two of his 7 x wives managed to get huge settlements from him which I think they EARNED….so I was glad to see it.
The best thing he ever did for me was to get VD and my egg donor caught him cheating and left him…and I didn’t grow up with him. Unfortunately, I wanted to get to know him and I DID get to KNOW HIM in every sense of the word. Unfortunately his DNA went through me to my son Patrick who is a CLONE of him in so many ways.
Cap queen,
You can’t change Luc, or the evil people in the system. You can only change you.
First I will tell you about a woman I met. She was on the verge of being homeless, so I offered to let her rent my house in exchange for work. She began to love bomb me and call me “Island Angel”. (the house is on an island) When she saw my house she began to tell me that the trees would have to be cut down because she needed light. (Timber is worth money) She said that she would sell everything that was in the house. She was trying to fleece me before I even gave her a key! I just watched in awe, taking notes.
Well the reason I’m telling you about her is because she said she usually works as an advocate for children in the court system. She was applying for another job and said this is what she’s best at. BTW, she had lost her own two kids to her husband. One of them is “special needs”.
I truly believe that spaths are attracted to any job that has DRAMA. And court, especially family court, is full of drama.
“Send lawyers, guns and money.” are the lyrics from a song.
Lawyers, cops and money are all part of any television drama.
My spath tried to invoke them all. The only ones he got were the cops because they were in his pocket.
So… back to what you can do. Avoid drama at all costs.
Play dead — but not too dead, that’s dramatic.
Accept the fact that you are not dealing with a situation that others understand.
As far as what to say to those dildos who think they are better than you…say this,
“When a person has only good in their heart, they can’t imagine a heart as dark as Luc’s. It was BEYOND MY IMAGINATION and he knew it. That is how Satan tricks us. We can’t even imagine what evil looks like. I’m glad that (you, your daughter, your son or whoever) is able to imagine how evil personified appears. I could not. A person who appears to love me, also appeared to have a good heart. I’m no longer so innocent, it was ripped from me, but I was at the time.”
Cap queen, there is a lesson here for you to learn and it is about keeping your cards close to your vest. I know, it’s not in my nature either. I used to be and still am, an open book, but I work hard at not being soooo open.
Speaking of books… profit from your mistakes, write a book, help other women and men learn. You are articulate and eloquent. Even more, your emotions need to be channeled somewhere, so that Luc doesn’t eat them. Instead, make money. maybe you’ll make enough for your son’s tuition, thanks to Luc. I would so LOVE to see you get the last laugh that way.
Cappuccinoqueen,
Ugh! It’s awful. It’s not for the faint of heart. I don’t understand other than thinking he must be a snitch of some sort to get away with that much but stranger things have happened.
I hope he hangs himself with his antics and gets too confident and trips up. I was told to get it outside the family court. Bankruptcy court, IRS, criminal court and/or any other regulatory board to push and push hard. If that’s possible. I hit from every angle. From every connection and organization I found. Family court and playing by their rules is a grueling beating. My only vision of some justice came in the form of a psychologist getting his licensed revoked after an over 2 year investigation who was helping psycho. I did go after the minions that I could but it was a lot of work. The assistant state attorney ended up in my corner though. I was a presence at their Domestic Relations Committee meetings which was the committee charged with changing the wording in the child custody laws. I just kept telling my story. I even met with the Secretary of State here as a client of mine knew him since he was a young boy. I am not sure what helped and what was wasted energy but I just kept going.
One of the motivating factors was running out of money and lawyers, time and energy. I had to be the squeakiest wheel but in a respectable way. I really looked like a POW at times and still kind of do.
He kept getting bigger and then things started turning around. He now is being sued by a real estate company and has an order of protection filed by somebody else which he went to court to fight and they ordered him into some type of counseling. Family court said even though a grown man filed an order of protection against him, it wouldn’t help me protect my daughter until he actually hurt the guy. I even told the jury duty people what was happening in my case as I kept having to get out of jury duty as the family court was ordering me around everywhere. I was surprised at how mad they were.
It’s a fine line between telling facts you have the evidence to prove and telling some you don’t but I always let them know what I could back up and what I couldn’t. I know other moms who have said I have gotten farther in my 3 + years than they got in 12. I also helped anyone I could along the way to get help and we kind of started tag teaming and helping each other with connections and who to trust and not trust in the system. You may have already done all of this but if not maybe my sharing will help.
Then when he’s busy fighting off whoever is all over his butt he’s too busy to bother me and my daughter.
Cappuccinoqueen,
There’s a movement to stop child abuse by the courts. I have been dealing with Safe Kids International and the Center for Judicial Excellence in CA but they are working nationally. I follow them under a different name on facebook. There is also Lawless America and you can tell your story to congress through a documentary but you have to reach out to them. Bill Windsor has been traveling around the US filming protective mothers who have lost their children or lost everything in family court.
I hope it’s not a problem to give you this info here but I felt like you should know who I have found that is actually shouting out loud. You may know of them. If not check them out.
There’s also the blog “Let’s Get Honest” and it tells what is actually going on why we can’t penetrate family court corruption. The author lost her children 12 years ago to family court and she’s exposing all of it. It’s a tough read and about non-profits and government spending but there is a movement going on against single mothers in our country. Billions are being spent to get fathers to “man up” but instead a lot of abusers are using the resources to reduce child support and by abusers, I am talking men and women. Mothers used to get the children but not anymore. Hope it helps somebody………..
CQueen, I think that Skylar’s response is spot-on. This whole thing is about learning. It’s a TERRIBLE price to pay for any lesson, I know. The “best” and most memorable lessons for me are the most painful to recover from. If things are seemingly “good,” I tend to retain the “lesson” far less than the ones that leave the scars.
This court situation – from visitation supervisor to your own attorneys – is all about drama/trauma. It’s not about justice, what’s “right,” or even what makes farking SENSE. It’s about MONEY and “The System.”
Absolutely, playing “dead” to a degree will give less fuel to pour on the fire. I forget who responded a while back, but DRESS UP at visitation exchange and actually go OUT and do something that appeals to you. No, you are not going to feel “happy” about any of this until baby boy is independent and on his own, or Luc meets an untimely demise. For the next 18 years, Luc is going to be a part of this picture. Accept this fact. There is nothing that you, personally, can do to change this fact OR the system that supports it.
But, you CAN take action on your own behalf by checking out the information that Eralyn provided. Hell, I didn’t even know about these organizations/endeavors until I read about them, just this moment! Change comes from WITHIN before it ever is successful outside.
Brightest and most supportive blessings to you