I am not sure why I am still shocked when people choose to blame the psychopath’s victim. I have heard that this is normal from others who have suffered from an encounter with psychopath, but I still get a bit shocked each time it happens to me. From friends, to family, to the courts, to complete strangers — people seem to want to find something wrong with me to somehow better explain to themselves how I ended up being fooled by my psychopath ex. It has been happening so long that sometimes I find myself wondering there is something wrong with me that made me ignore the red flags and believe the completely fantastic story he was telling me.
The Judgements:
This week alone, I have experienced both friends and family trying to psycho analyze me and question how I ended up with such a monster as the father of my son. I am not sure how to respond to people when they ask me absurd questions or decide that it was somehow my fault that I ended up being conned by Luc. Here are some of the things I have heard over the past year (the first two were said just this week):
1) “CQ, really”¦how did this happen? What were you thinking? I mean, please don’t feel as if I am blaming you”¦but how did you not see this coming?” – An old friend
2) ”I know what happened”¦.I think CQ must like to be controlled by an abusive man.” – A family member (behind my back)
3) ”Let’s be honest”¦you wanted a bad boy”¦so you are now getting what you asked for and deserve. My daughter, who is your age, would never be in this situation because she doesn’t like bad boys. She is marrying a man who wears suits and collared shirts.” – My Lawyer
4) ”You are not without fault here CQ, what you saw in this man”¦well, it must have been fairy dust”¦and now the fairy dust has disappeared and you are going to have to deal with him for at least the next 18 years.” – The Judge in our Custody War
5) ”You didn’t have a problem with him touching you, so you shouldn’t be so bothered that he is now touching your son.”
– Family member
My Reality:
The hardest thing for people to understand, it seems, is how a person can be conned by someone who is so clearly dysfunctional. My response to that is, “when a person’s full time job is to learn everything about you — your hopes, dreams, weaknesses — in order to exploit and con you — you will likely end up conned.” I have used the analogy before of the frog and the boiling water and in this case I can’t think of another analogy that would prove my point any better. Psychopaths control the boiling water. They know that if they threw their victims into a pot of boiling water, most people would jump right out screaming and cursing at them. Instead, they slowly bring the water to boil with the intension of burning their victims alive.
Every time I walk into court, I feel like I am holding my heart inside of my chest with my bear hands. This process, this war, with Luc has torn me apart from the inside out. Luc’s boiling water effectively ripped me apart, but sometimes I feel as if the judgement and misunderstanding I receive from those I love (and society at large) is worse. I went from being a beautiful, self confident, intelligent, and successful woman — to a victim of a completely misunderstood abuse. Luc burned me alive, but society continues to blame me as if I willingly jumped into a burning fire along side satan.
The Future:
I want my son to know his mama as the woman I was — but wiser. I dread the day when my son might join society and make judgements about what happened with his father. Will he understand how his father used my kindness against me? Will he understand why I tried to hold the relationship together even when it seemed clear to the rest of the world that it was a hopeless situation? Will he understand why I fought so hard to protect him from a man I once trusted?
It’s easy to think about all the horrible things Luc is and ignore the things that attracted me to this man. While many of the things that attracted me to Luc were not real (most of them were completely fake actually), there are good qualities in Luc. (Yes, you read that correctly) Despite the fact that my family refuses to see anything of Luc in baby boy, this is not the stance I will take as baby boy’s mother. Luc wasn’t born evil — he made choices. He took his talents and used them for evil. For example, being charming is not a bad thing if you don’t use it to manipulate and control others. Being a good actor isn’t a bad thing as long as you use it on stage to entertain instead of to lie and cheat.
I love baby boy for everything that he is and that means that I accept the fact that he is the product of what now feels like a violent emotional rape. I refuse to make my son feel bad for carrying half of the psychopath’s genes and I also refuse to lie to him. So while I kick myself every day for not paying attention to the now obvious red flags of Luc’s psychopathy, and I suffer through the constant judgements I receive from others, I would do it all over again for baby boy. I didn’t choose what Luc really is — but I will choose baby boy every day for the rest of my life.
CappuccinoQueen, right now, you “should” be a mess, dear heart. You’re in the middle of an experience that no parent should ever have.
Take this time and hold it for yourself. Grieve. Rage. Shout. Scream. Cry. Do it all and “allow” yourself to experience this tragedy. Remaining “strong” throughout this horrible process won’t change things – it will only turn every aspect of this tragedy in onto yourself, and you don’t need that, and you do not deserve it.
Although you’re going to “feel” that you “failed,” you know – you know this on an academic level – that you didn’t fail anyone or anything. The System failed in every way, shape, and form. Later, you will be able to “feel” this in addition to “knowing” it.
Surround yourself with the supportive people who have stood beside you throughout this dark journey. Let them hold you up and help whenever they can. ASK for their support, as well. Those who are honest and supportive friends and family will respond without conditions. Those who don’t aren’t required in your life.
As time passes and all of the desperation begins to dissipate, there will be a “direction.” Baby Boy’s brief time on this earth will “mean” something important to those who never held him on their shoulders, smelled the scent of his baby hair, or heard him gurgle with pleasure at simply being. Your fight, his fight, and the tens of thousands of other parents out there who are still IN the fight or perparing FOR the fight need you and Baby Boy. They need your experiences. This shall all come in due time.
Your focus is now upon yourself, CQueen. Don’t concern yourself with providing details or updates, right now. Your personal grief is your only concern, right now. We are all here, and we’ll all BE here when sufficient time has passed for your experiences.
May Great Creator – God – hold you and Baby Boy in his perfect and loving arms. May you find comfort and solace in the aftermath of this terrible, tragic loss. And, may you feel the love and support of each of us in the depths of your heart when the days, hours, and minutes seem the darkest.
Most sincere blessings of love, support, and comfort to you
Truthspeak,
You made me think of something. All crises or tragedies (any sort) that are this personal, it is natural and I think healthy to not suppress any thoughts or feelings, the good and the bad. So I hope I have not done that.
It is hard enough to go through grieving with a tragedy such as this, without people saying how one “should” or “should not” feel. So even though I know that, I hope I didn’t say something counter to that before (well meaning though I am).
I guess I mean, a space to have freedom to process, however you want, without too much commentary from outsiders (but still holding/supporting in that protective space) is good.
So I am sorry if I have said a wrong thing, or said it clumsily.
I have certainly been in a place, at times, where outsider commentary gets to me, because I’m in a time of sorting through complex experience and feelings, and that is very personal (only I can do it) and takes time.
You are right, Truthspeak.
20Years, I don’t believe that you gave anyone “The Should,” at all!
And, yeah….sometimes, people mean well, but they don’t always choose the right sequence of words. When people say, “I know what you mean,” or, “I know how you feel,” and they clearly don’t, it tends to minimize the personal experiences of the person who’s hurting and in need of support.
Absolutely – it’s “okay” and “normal” to feel. And, it’s vital to feel the experiences, no matter how painful they are. If we disallow ourselves the experience of the feelings, it’s the same thing as telling ourselves, “Get over it.” And, that’s simply not kind or helpful.
You’re fine, 20Years. Hugs to you
Dearest C’Queen,
I read your blog this morning with tears in my eyes. If we were face to face, I would simply hug you very tightly. There are no words, no words that can adequately express my feelings.
You and your family are forever in my prayers.
CQueen,
You said how you hope that it will turn out to have been caused by something inevitable noone is responsible for.
I hope it too, and I understand where that hope comes from for myself at least. The loss itself is harsh and painful all on its own already, without having to deal with evil intent on top of it.
I hope for you it is so.
Thank you for sharing the feelings and experiences that we victims share …. knowing there is support is so helpful…we need to unite to fight! Common phrases reported by sociopaths re their “victims”:
“Nice (person) is another word for stupid”!
“Nice (person) is a sucker”!
These ‘paths have the common carny attitude…and see goodness as their garden to pick (clean)!
Yes, attribution errors…blame the victim! How many years did we hear that women rape victims “were to blame…they dressed too well, wore make up… and much worse”! The courts, in many ways, facilitate “legalism” and “bias”.
I recently spoke with adult son of a “mutual victim” of a female sociopath who held such hostility towards his mother for “being stupid” as her finances and reputation were devastated. After informing him of factual statistics…he realized, he too, had been victimized AND said “my mother is a victim of a crime” … and changed his attitude, thank God, towards his senior mother.
This woman had called for law enforcement assistance and she reported “this man was rude; hung up saying, call me if you need something”! Shocking, but true. This woman was robbed and threatened… and the female sociopath used law enforcement to “cover” for her….a very charming sociopath!!
It would be great research to see how “sociopaths” utilize the legal system to further their paths.
My prayers for all victims of malignant narcissists, sociopaths…and like all evil, the evil ones come to “rob, kill and steal”… victims need prayers, support and light to help them with recovery!!!!
There is strength in numbers; I say unite in the fight against ‘ppaths evil!
I think my least favorite comment to date is.
” You know that’s on you. If you wouldn’t be how you are they wouldn’t bother you.”
It’s not surprising the victim gets the blame, this is a psychopathic society. In order for the larger society to understand the victim it would first have to see it’s own problem.
3eyesopen,
One comment that sticks in my mind for YEARS was said by my father to me at lunch and it went something like this,
“I could see you driving a man to hit you”. WTH? WTF? This is after a serious physical beat down by my “first love”. He basically gave him persmission and blamed me.
I know more now and I understand my father said it to justify his own beatings and lack of self control. Although it confused me and I believe helped the cycle continue, I learned later how sick that statement is.
I remember when I packed and moved to a different state saying to my friend that was there, “I bring out the worst in the men I love and I don’t know why”. It almost felt like I moved to SPARE THEM! YUCK!
Eralyn, I have come to understand that I don’t bring out the worst in the men I love, and that I don’t bring them to the point of beating me up…..I am just attracted to men who, at some level, seem to “love me” the same way I have always been loved…..They are self-centered, entitled narcissists who love-bomb. Period. I fall for it because it’s what I know. Then I resist, and I get a black eye, a broken rib, or a broken spirit.
I was only sticking up for myself. If I didn’t do that, I would have despised myself.
There was something wrong with me, though. That is where my recovery truly lies. Finding out what THAT is.
Kim,
Luckily I got into therapy and learned how sick my fathers statement was along with my own.
I remember consciously “standing still” when it came to men as I had a daughter who would be an innocent victim had I introduced to her my disfunction. I attempted to date a little when she was about 3 years old but I was so afraid I could bring danger to our home that I just said “forget it”.
I remain “standing still” as I know my picker’s broken and I don’t trust myself to see the red flags and my mistake could still affect her. I simply choose not to take that chance. I do have male friends and they understand.
I am sorry you have experienced the same BS I have. At least we have both taken the path of recovery……….
I remember “family services” asked me “do you think you have been abused (by spath1)?” I said, “I don’t know”. They both looked at each other like “do you believe what she said?”!! (I had a twisted rib along with many bruises and and inability to turn my head) They asked me what I thought happened and I said “a bad fight”. They both tag teamed me so I didn’t leave there thinking that for another day. On the road I went to find out what it was they knew that I obviously had no clue about.