I am not sure why I am still shocked when people choose to blame the psychopath’s victim. I have heard that this is normal from others who have suffered from an encounter with psychopath, but I still get a bit shocked each time it happens to me. From friends, to family, to the courts, to complete strangers — people seem to want to find something wrong with me to somehow better explain to themselves how I ended up being fooled by my psychopath ex. It has been happening so long that sometimes I find myself wondering there is something wrong with me that made me ignore the red flags and believe the completely fantastic story he was telling me.
The Judgements:
This week alone, I have experienced both friends and family trying to psycho analyze me and question how I ended up with such a monster as the father of my son. I am not sure how to respond to people when they ask me absurd questions or decide that it was somehow my fault that I ended up being conned by Luc. Here are some of the things I have heard over the past year (the first two were said just this week):
1) “CQ, really”¦how did this happen? What were you thinking? I mean, please don’t feel as if I am blaming you”¦but how did you not see this coming?” – An old friend
2) ”I know what happened”¦.I think CQ must like to be controlled by an abusive man.” – A family member (behind my back)
3) ”Let’s be honest”¦you wanted a bad boy”¦so you are now getting what you asked for and deserve. My daughter, who is your age, would never be in this situation because she doesn’t like bad boys. She is marrying a man who wears suits and collared shirts.” – My Lawyer
4) ”You are not without fault here CQ, what you saw in this man”¦well, it must have been fairy dust”¦and now the fairy dust has disappeared and you are going to have to deal with him for at least the next 18 years.” – The Judge in our Custody War
5) ”You didn’t have a problem with him touching you, so you shouldn’t be so bothered that he is now touching your son.”
– Family member
My Reality:
The hardest thing for people to understand, it seems, is how a person can be conned by someone who is so clearly dysfunctional. My response to that is, “when a person’s full time job is to learn everything about you — your hopes, dreams, weaknesses — in order to exploit and con you — you will likely end up conned.” I have used the analogy before of the frog and the boiling water and in this case I can’t think of another analogy that would prove my point any better. Psychopaths control the boiling water. They know that if they threw their victims into a pot of boiling water, most people would jump right out screaming and cursing at them. Instead, they slowly bring the water to boil with the intension of burning their victims alive.
Every time I walk into court, I feel like I am holding my heart inside of my chest with my bear hands. This process, this war, with Luc has torn me apart from the inside out. Luc’s boiling water effectively ripped me apart, but sometimes I feel as if the judgement and misunderstanding I receive from those I love (and society at large) is worse. I went from being a beautiful, self confident, intelligent, and successful woman — to a victim of a completely misunderstood abuse. Luc burned me alive, but society continues to blame me as if I willingly jumped into a burning fire along side satan.
The Future:
I want my son to know his mama as the woman I was — but wiser. I dread the day when my son might join society and make judgements about what happened with his father. Will he understand how his father used my kindness against me? Will he understand why I tried to hold the relationship together even when it seemed clear to the rest of the world that it was a hopeless situation? Will he understand why I fought so hard to protect him from a man I once trusted?
It’s easy to think about all the horrible things Luc is and ignore the things that attracted me to this man. While many of the things that attracted me to Luc were not real (most of them were completely fake actually), there are good qualities in Luc. (Yes, you read that correctly) Despite the fact that my family refuses to see anything of Luc in baby boy, this is not the stance I will take as baby boy’s mother. Luc wasn’t born evil — he made choices. He took his talents and used them for evil. For example, being charming is not a bad thing if you don’t use it to manipulate and control others. Being a good actor isn’t a bad thing as long as you use it on stage to entertain instead of to lie and cheat.
I love baby boy for everything that he is and that means that I accept the fact that he is the product of what now feels like a violent emotional rape. I refuse to make my son feel bad for carrying half of the psychopath’s genes and I also refuse to lie to him. So while I kick myself every day for not paying attention to the now obvious red flags of Luc’s psychopathy, and I suffer through the constant judgements I receive from others, I would do it all over again for baby boy. I didn’t choose what Luc really is — but I will choose baby boy every day for the rest of my life.
Two current stories in the UK press.
Tina Nash had her eyes gouged out (yes, blinded) by her p/bf Shane Jenkins and still prayed he would phone her from prison!
“Sir” Jimmy Savile 84 (died 2011) media “saint” & paedophile (bragged he was untouchable) whose abuse spanned over 50 years.
Pure evil.
Anam,
if Tina Nash is not an example of addicted, I don’t know what is!
My PC is doing it’s own thing tonight……….???
First we are a TARGET (traumatised) Then we are either a SURVIVOR (alive) or a VICTIM (dead)
I think the distinction between S & V is very important as the term “victim” sort of validates the abuser’s behaviour. IMO
I could really relate to the money game. I took reduced child support in exchange for a legal commitment to provide child support through four years of college. And every semester he required a precise budget from the children (which I had to do) and then he played. “poor pitiful me, I do not have any money.” And he would act like the abused Mr. generous and would pay $200 or $300 more than required by law…not even enough to pay for a text book or a prom dress but the children did not see that. Oh yes, no mention of his ski trip to the Alps, etc. Sometimes it seem God cannot even help us from their evil sneaking deceiving ways.
Short and simple… My children thought and still think I was a wonderful mother when they were young and it (the sperm donor) was gone. And they think that I morphed into an angry unfit grandmother when he was forced back into my life. I have heard of this situation on another forum as well. Perhaps they are right and I know why but it is no consolation. There is no safety or “Grey Rock” where children are involved. I beg you all forgo child support and get them to relinquish all parental rights now; and even then you are not safe without the witness protection program.
Yes, betsybugs, I have seen that happen, too. Mothers who endure years of their spath ex, then once their adult children have children of their own, the spath dad (sorry this isn’t meant sexist though I’m not being gender neutral) is invited back into the kids’/grandkids’ lives, and the thing is….
in many ways, the spath has “multiple possible targets”: the grandkids, the kids, the ex-spouse.
I think usually the ex-spouse is the MOST FUN TARGET because the way you can get to (her) is through the kids — and even more fun, the grandkids!!!
So yeah. If they are spaths of the game-playing type, it probably will NEVER be over.
With the money….. yep, I’ve seen that too. currently my kids are really disgusted and hurt that their dad spends lavishly on himself and his new wife (home decorating, vacations, weekend getaways, fancy restaurants, clothing, jewelry, etc.) and they have to play the “doggie biscuit” game of “I need $7 for this field trip, Dad. Please?”
Well, I have just finally, totally given up on that one. I have barely enough money to pay for the $7 field trips, and the money will come out of something else (I have bought no new clothes for myself for several years and I have not had a haircut in 4 years, and so on). But I am a bit fed up and bitter at the same time. I will get over that. We’ll be happy again.
I can somewhat relate to what you are going through. I did not have a child with my ex Spath, but i know exactly what you mean about people blaming US the victims for what happened.
I am sick of people who have had no life experience who claim to be supportive, trying to cast a bad light on the victims in order to explain it. I think its easier to blame us then to look at the harsh reality that these people exist in reality and they not some evil looking man with devil horns. I dont think people who havent survived a spath even can begin to comprehend all the layers of it and so they would rather kick us when we are down.
we will not stay down, we are wiser because of this.
I am sorry you have gone through it, but it helps me to know that I am not alone as people in my life treat me the same. I am having to deal with the effects of being munipulated by a spath and being judged at the same time
As if it was my fault that i got lured into it. They look at me like i am stupid and honestly sometimes i think they belivee i am exaggerating because if all i said about him really was true and as sick and evil then I wouldnt have stayed for as long as i did and give up all that i did.
the sentence you wrote really helped me to be able to explain it simply to my family and friends
when a person’s full time job is to learn everything about you ”“ your hopes, dreams, weaknesses ”“ in order to exploit and con you ”“ you will likely end up conned.
Thank you for sharing your insight with me and like minded people. I am finding it very hard to talk about and am coming to terms with what happened.
You are very brave and Im sure that one day when your son gets older, he will totally understand, after all he has inheritated all your strong and good qualities.
Perhaps if we keep spreading the words of how spaths con us and munipulate we can begin to understand it ourselves and maybe helped others in the future.
We the victims will show these ignorant people in the world that we can overcome what the spaths did to us and be the strongest, bravest and best person we can be. which is more that i can say for them.
I am so very sorry, CQueen… all of my condolences, all of my prayers for your healing.
I found this woman’s thoughts very interesting.
I remember once learning in a Psychology class that people blame victims because they want to believe that something so bad won’t happen to them. If they blame the victim rather than the perpetrator, they FEEL safer. They BELIEVE scamming by an abuser could never happen to them. Therefore, they blame the victim so they can have an illusion that they could never be charmed by a liar, a cheat, a fraud, or a confidence man. It is a terrible human and societal failing. Blaming the victim causes a lot of victims of sociopaths to never come forward to get the criminals arrested.
Being a victim is something that can happen to EVERYONE and EVERYONE is scared of that fact. I used to joke with my sisters because we all had horrible husbands, but we all thought that the husbands of the other ones were worse….even though they were all losers. I used to say, “My jerk is much better than your jerk!”
When we are the victim of an awful person, we want to believe it isn’t that bad. Then, when we can see how bad it is, other people don’t want to see it!
Thanks to Cappacinnoqueen,
I have had many friends. family and even my first couple attempts at finding a counselor, all land blame and shame on me. I am not as angry at the spath as I was, nor at the ignorance of finger pointing at me. But I was at first. I see thier lack of understanding was the same as my naivete when I met him. They do not see what it is to be dragged into a fog of trance-love-bombing and the maliciousness of using another human being as a toy, with intention to destroy.
I still read here, less frequent. I am trying so hard to be accepting of myself, that I will no longer go to people who place blame on me. It feels just as violating as the man who used and hurt me.
One friend, who I spoke with in the early months of my discard, told me “I did it all to myself!” That sent me into spirals of self oblivion…not sure of my sanity anymore. I spoke with her b/c she counsels people on spiritual growth. I did not find her interpretation helpful. So I disengadged from her. I have to get into a place where I will no longer have anyone invalidate me again, and stick around for more of the same.
Our society does have a blame the victm mentality. It is both unfair and unwise. All the more reason why the increasing Sociopathy education in the public eye, is so valuable.
Thanks for bringing this up, FightForwhatsright!
Hello to all, Truthspeak, Tea Light, Blossom, Serenity. I think of you all. I am grateful for all input you have given me. I am near 2 months NC again. Done for good this time. I hope you are all well. Long timers!!! Can you post on the beautiful things that are happening in your life? I can really appreciate hearing that at some point, there will be an end to the pain. That there is light at the end of this spath tunnel.
Hugs and love to you all : )
Bluemosaic