Having spent time listening to many psychopathy researchers, I can attest to many times coming away with the feeling that very critical insights are being missed. An appreciation for the bigger picture just isn’t there yet. For me the bigger picture always includes the family. A sociopath may prey on strangers, but usually that is after a lifetime of practice on family members. The reason this piece is so critical is that the personality disorder, psychopathy is a pervasive disorder of human social behavior that affects every relationship the disordered person has.
Considering what this disorder actually is- a pervasive disorder of human social behavior, the perspective of family members becomes very important. Methods of victimization of others also shed light on the nature of the disorder itself. I think this may be the only psychiatric disorder that would not be present if the affected person was lost alone on an island somewhere. That observation is often lost amid the abnormal brain scans and cognitive tests that are sometimes seen in affected persons.
Without the balance of hearing from victims and family members theories of psychopathy can even miss the central features of the disorder. For example, one new theory of psychopathy called the Triarchic Theory, states that the three traits of boldness, meanness and dysinhibition tell the entire story. The theory is actually better than this sounds but meanness is not what the authors of the theory think it is. If sociopaths were obviously mean, there would not be as many victims.
Given the assertions of the Triarchic Theory it is not surprising that the DSM 5 Personality Disorders Task Force proposed that “acknowledgement and articulation of other emotions (than anger) such as love and anxiety is rare.” Researchers need to put their theories into a perspective that can only be gained through real life outside the laboratory. Therefore it is critical that meetings include work on victims and their experiences, as subjective and “unscientific” as this may sound.
The posters Donna and I presented were an opportunity to challenge researchers to consider their words and assertions carefully. Many came away from reading them doing just that. I had to explain why the language proposed for DSM 5 is wrong, as many tried to defend the proposed statement as true.
There were also two posters from Adelle Forth’s group out of Canada’s Carleton University by graduate students Henriette Bergstrom and Janelle Beaudette on the effects of victimization by a psychopath on victims’ relationship functioning and physical health. This group has identified several themes in the narrative stories of victims, ongoing suffering, transformation and transcendence. But they also say those victims who came through the experience stronger did not really describe how.
This group has identified something I think is very important, that is the question of how to survive victimization and grow from the experience. The fact that a relationship with a sociopath has detrimental effects on psychological, emotional and physical health that lasts for years after the relationship has ended, tells us a great deal about what this disorder is about.
Watch the video: Donna Andersen explains Lovefraud research at psychopathy conference.
Ox Drover:
I am so sorry about the loss of your husband. That had to be so traumatic; I can’t imagine. My thoughts are with you, lady…
“”this may be the only psychiatric disorder that would not be present if the affected person was lost alone on an island somewhere.”
Paints a perfect picture.
“Without the balance of hearing from victims and family members theories of psychopathy can even miss the central features of the disorder.”
That just makes too much common sense.
As Oxy wrote and as also occurred to me as I read it, most any illness, physical or mental, impacts those around the afflicted. By its very nature, however, this one is unique in that the one afflicted is probably not the one who suffers from it (i.e., they don’t feel love, et al, so they don’t know what they’re missing), and it cannot be diagnosed without collateral evidence precisely because the psychopath’s own testimony is purposefully unreliable and from the perspective of one who does not feel emotions as we do, therefore whose viewpoints are vastly different and generally opposed to ours.
An integral element of that evidence is indeed the testimony of the psychopath’s targets. That’s us.
It has been my impression that the PCL-R does take collateral evidence into account (e.g., public records, witness statements, etc.), so is this strictly in regard to the anticipated DSM 5?
Thought this was quite a good video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bw0mBlqwl7k&feature=related
I have often thought that the best way to build a profile of a criminal offender to give the justice system some idea of their likelihood to re-offend would be to interview his/ her friends and family, exes, school teachers, workmates (especially those subordinate if the issue is about control and power), victims, etc. this wold create a truer profile. The same could be true for spaths, and well, victims.
Changes of the type suggested by Dr. Leedom usually come from the bottom up – from grassroots movements, and from young,new researchers. What was once deemed ‘anecdotal’ is codified and new research parameters are created to capture the information.
Ox Drover,
It is true that “there is a circle of devastation and pain surrounding the psychopath.” Because of my involvement with a spath, I have been profoundly affected (as have other people), resenting his family members (eg. his oldest sister, the substitute mother, for she was aware of some of his misdeeds) for not warning me about his true character. It seems no-one in his family of origin bothered to try to figure out that psychopathy runs in their family (their father, uncle, and possibly a female cousin, etc.) seemed to have it. They saw the behaviors (of their father and brother) and didn’t bother to put two-and-two together. Instead, outsiders (eg. daughter-in-law (me), business partners, etc.) had to suffer, starting to clue the family into the fact that their relative is a spath. They talk among themselves (about the spath), but the people who should be in the know aren’t. Total dysfunction and lack of actual concern for the well-being of outsiders. Their attitude has done a job on me. I don’t trust their seemingly kind ways, knowing that they could be withholding critical information from me. They don’t allow others to make informed decisions – instead, the outsider has to find out on his/her own, to the point where a person can be totally devastated and the family just sympathizes. The damage is done and they don’t acknowledge how they could have prevented A, B, or C from happening (that’s my opinion). I’m at the point where I refuse to have anything to do with the spath’s family, having no contact with them. It’s hard to know who to trust or if anyone can be trusted in that family.
Dear Bluejay,
Your assessment of the family situation of your psychopath’s family is very valid I am thinking in many many cases….my own family included.
KEEP THE FAMILY SECRETS.
If my Uncle Monster got involved with a woman, she had to find out for herself that he was a serial beater of women….no one in the family warned her or empathized with her, or protected her at all. They just “stayed out of it.”
You are right, I think, to not have any contact with these people, or to trust them. Their dysfunctional family dynamics are not going to be any kind of benefit to you is my opinion. Or any support. In fact, many times ALL of the P’s family and/or mutual friends need to be avoided when you do break free from the P. That’s just part of the collateral damage and the collateral losses that the victim suffers.
Dear One,
I have always found that the BEST way to find out about a boss is to talk to those people who work FOR them, not to talk to the boss’s boss…..So I think your suggestion to talk to the people around the “individual” is a good one, unfortunately, too many times, the family will “saint-i-fy” the individual, and the victims will “devil-i-fy” them so the person doing the interviewing still doesn’t know what to believe.
Just like too many of our friends don’t “get it” about what we (as victims) have suffered and trivialize our wounds, too many people who are on parole boards, etc. either have other agendas (empty the jails/prisons at all costs) or subscribe to the lie that “there is good in everyone” (puke!)
In the 1950s when it was believed that “a child is born a blank slate” and that ALL behavior is caused by environment or how the person is treated, and so on, it is unfortunate that there are still many people who subscribe to that MYTH….and many of them are sincere in that belief….as well as people who are “Christians” and believe that God can work miracles with “bad people” (even if that is true, the “bad person” has to be WILLING to participate in the reformation which we know Psychopaths aren’t willing) So the problem is in the Opinions and attitudes and lack of education of the majority of people who are appointed to parole boards and school boards….etc.
Yea, I sound pretty cynical about this and I guess I am….I don’t have a lot of confidence in people to do the logical and rational thing even most of the time, much less all of the time. LOL
Ox Drover,
Thanks for the response – it is helpful to have my impression of this family validated. I have periods where I am consumed with anger toward not only the spath but his family. It takes a while to get over it. Years ago, one of the spath’s friends (whom I didn’t like) was showing interest in a young woman. This man was an odd, irritating person who was going through a divorce (his wife smartly dumped him), being a very irresponsible person. I e-mailed the lady (that he was interested in) and let her know that she should think twice about getting involved with the man. She responded, thanking me for the warning – she was already thinking that she’d have nothing to do with him as the guy was constantly trying to contact her at all times of the day and night (he was getting on her nerves). At the time, I thought to myself, I would not want my sister, daughter (I didn’t have one yet), friend, etc. getting involved with such a man, thus, my reasoning for getting in touch with the woman. The spath’s friend never knew what I did.
BlueJay
Thank you for your well articulated post. That is exactly what I mean by my spath being surrounded by a nest of vipers. They enable him to do what he does. It’s a small town so they protect their own, and us outsiders who are at first confused and then upset at the magnitude of the lies are dismissed b/c we’r “outsiders”! As if that entitles spaths and their family/friends/sycophants… which sadly it does.
Your post describes the conspiracy around the spath. My spath undermined my ability to make rational decisions by withholding sometimes just one tiny piece of info that changed EVERYTHING,and then the consequence was used as proof that I was stupid and couldn’t make decisions so people went to HIM when they needed a decision made. And thus it seemed the entire community was against me… and I did end up scared that I was crazy, alzeimers, whatever… b/c I couldn’t figure out why everything I did went wobbly.
Amazingly since I left, all logic and reason and sense has returned. No more incidents of alzeimers (gaslighting) or making bad decisions, or people being so KINDLY while turning around and stabbing me in the back.
So So So different now. Joy and contentment are again part of my life. HAPPY :))))
KatyDid,
You deserve to have a solid existence that doesn’t involve tremendous turmoil. Good for you, getting away from the “nest of vipers.”