One reason why many of us found ourselves victimized by sociopaths is because we did not know that dangerous personality disorders existed.
We may have heard of crazy people, but we assumed that we could spot them because they looked and talked crazy. We may have heard of psychopaths, but we assumed they were serial killers or some other type of obviously hardened criminal.
We did not know that people existed who could convincingly proclaim their love, cry tears of sadness, and make glowing promises for the future, all simply to exploit us. We did not know that these people were called sociopaths and/or psychopaths.
In my opinion, a big reason for the public’s unawareness of, and confusion about, this dangerous personality disorder is the lack of agreement in the mental health profession about naming and defining it. How can you educate the public about these social predators when you can’t even decide what to call them?
Range of names
Research psychologists in major universities use the term “psychopath.” The main reason is that they run their studies using the Psychopathy Checklist Revised (PCL-R), developed by Dr. Robert Hare.
The PCL-R is recognized as the gold standard for evaluating the disorder. The instrument includes a list of 20 characteristics. An individual is rated 0, 1 or 2 on each item, and the points are added up for a total score. A person must score 30 to be diagnosed as a “psychopath.” For more on the PCL-R, read Researchers minimize the psychopathy problem.
Psychiatrists and other clinicians follow the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, now in the 4th edition. At the moment, the official term in the manual for this malady is “antisocial personality disorder.” Psychiatrists use the term “sociopath” for short.
Currently, the DSM-IV recognizes 10 personality disorders, divided into three clusters—A, B and C. Cluster B covers dramatic, emotional or erratic disorders. It includes antisocial, borderline, histrionic and narcissistic personality disorders.
All of this, however, is in the process of change—the 5th edition of the manual is now being written. A year ago, a draft of the new manual was posted on the Internet, and the public was invited to comment. For the most part, the diagnostic criteria were much improved, but Dr. Liane Leedom and I had problems with a few of the descriptive statements. Read our views in Lovefraud’s comment about sociopaths for the DSM-5.
My biggest problem with the revision is that it creates yet another name for this condition, “antisocial/psychopathic type.” Personally, I think this term is ridiculous. I don’t even know how it would be used in a sentence. Do we say that someone is an “antisocial slash psychopathic type”?
Selecting “sociopath”
When I was first developing Lovefraud.com back in 2004, I had to decide which term to use. After some informal market research, I selected “sociopath.”
The main reason was that “psychopath” was just too scary. Hollywood and the media portray psychopaths as deranged serial killers. I worried that people would not believe they had a psychopath in their lives, because he or she had never killed anyone, and would therefore dismiss all of the information about this disorder.
My reasoning was supported by last year’s Lovefraud survey. The survey asked the following questions:
Before your involvement with this disordered individual, what did you understand the term “sociopath” to mean?
- Criminal: 19.2%
- Serial killer: 19.4%
- Someone who was delusional: 6.4%
- Person without empathy or a conscience: 19.7%
- I didn’t know what it meant: 35.3%
Before your involvement with this disordered individual, what did you understand the term “psychopath” to mean?
- Criminal: 15.0%
- Serial killer: 51.2%
- Someone who was delusional: 13.4%
- Person without empathy or a conscience: 8.9%
- I didn’t know what it meant: 11.5%
Fully half of the 1,378 survey respondents believed a psychopath was a serial killer. I think it’s safe to assume that this level of misinformation pervades the general public.
Overlap
So the experts argue over terminology. I’ve even had two college psychology professors contact me to tell me that I’m using the wrong name. Although they didn’t seem to be aware of the disagreement in the field, I am, and I summarize the disparate views on the Lovefraud.com page, Psychopath/sociopath.
In practice, the behaviors and traits exhibited by individuals diagnosed with psychopathy, sociopathy narcissism, and even borderline personality disorders overlap, so it’s hard to tell where one ends and another begins. Many Lovefraud readers simply describe the individual they were involved with as P/S/N, for psychopath/sociopath/narcissist. Others say that the individual has a “cluster B” disorder. Of course, no one knows what that means, but it is less prejudicial and more likely to be believed.
Proposed name
I propose a solution to the name problem. I propose that “sociopath” become the general term for a social predator, someone who exploits others.
In the general category of “sociopath,” there can be subcategories that reflect the different types of exploiters. “Psychopath” can be defined as someone who scores 30 or more on the PCL-R. “Narcissist” can be someone who uses others, but doesn’t necessarily set out to cause them harm. “Antisocial personality disorder” could describe the people who are worse than a narcissist, but not as bad as a psychopath. Other subcategories can be defined as the experts see fit.
“Sociopath” has the advantage that it is already in the lexicon, but does not carry the cultural baggage of “psychopath.” People are generally aware that the word has something to do with bad behavior. But, as our survey pointed out, the largest number of respondents didn’t really know what “sociopath” meant, so they could be educated.
“Sociopath” could be analogous to the term “cancer.” There are many types of cancer—lung cancer, skin cancer, colon cancer—but we all know that cancer is bad and we take precautions to avoid it. We don’t smoke. We use sunscreen. We eat fiber.
Here’s a key point: For many people, the harm caused by sociopaths is completely avoidable, if we take precautions.
Some of us were unlucky in that we were born to a sociopathic parent, or into a family that contained sociopaths. We were stuck in those situations until we could find a way to get out.
But the rest of us invited the sociopaths into our lives. If we knew that these predators existed, if we knew the warning signs, we never would have done it. We could have avoided the trauma that they caused.
In my view, settling on a clear name and diagnostic criteria for this disorder is a public health issue. People have learned how to protect themselves from cancer. With education, we can learn how to protect ourselves from sociopaths as well.
Whoa! I am not comfortable with Donna’s conclusions at all.
First off, nothing is further from the truth than, “Here’s a key point: For many people, the harm caused by sociopaths is completely avoidable, if we take precautions.” Bull – and double bull. Let’s just dump the blame right back on the victims. When the experts, who are trained to recognize the behavior, can and are fooled by the perpetrators, a statement like that can cause tremendous harm on the lay person who never saw it coming and is still wondering what hit them.
The public and Hollywood’s perceptions of what constitutes a psychopath are wrong. Don’t add to the burden by proposing new definitions. Educate.
I am not convinced that all narcissists will use others. There are some who are worlds unto themselves and just move on if someone doesn’t agree with their viewpoints. They also don’t necessarily inflict harm on others.
The DSM exists, in part, for insurance purposes because insurance companies insist on labels and diagnoses.
I understand the desire for one term to define it all, but this is an extremely complicated subject matter and it isn’t going to be possible to shove that peg into whatever hole currently exists.
It’s going to take a lot of work, but education is the key – and it is going to require a hurclean effort.
I think the similarities between “Psychopath, Narcissist, Antisocial Personaility Disorder, and Sociopath” are much greater than the differences between them . . “Proven by the fact that we can’t agree”.
It’s like saying “women, female, gal, lady”. The reader knows!
So I really like using S/N/A/P or N/A/P/S or S/P/A/N or maybe just ///.
Since they have no soul (or conscience), just call them ///.
Dear Sociosibs,
Your “new terms” are well thought out—and I agree with you that they actually make more sense than what is currently in use. “anti-social” personality disorder sounds to me like a HERMIT who doesn’t like cocktail parties or lives in the woods, or the Unibomber.
It is also unfortunate that psycho-path and psycho-tic are so similar in the mind of the general public which, unfortunately is not all that well educated about physical medical problems, much less about psycho-logical ones. How can we expect the general public to understand if the experts can’t agree on a NAME FOR IT, much less a diagnosis? LOL
Katy,
“how damaged do I want to be?” is the question to ask when we are on the brink of a relationship with a selfish person. The degree of selfishness is the degree of damage. I avoided the term narcissist in that sentence because it is the selfish aspect of narcissism that causes the damage, I believe.
I recently read an article that said that having fat friends makes us more likely to gain weight. Your perspective on what is normal weight changes by what you see most often. The media flashes images all day long to create what we consider our “culture”, aka “what is normal”. And so it goes, being exposed to certain beliefs, brings us to eventually see them as normal. My point is that being around a person who believes the world revolves around them and that they should come before you, after a while, that seems normal and you no longer notice their egregious sense of entitlement. You know like some kid’s of a N-mom will say, “that’s just mom”. No that’s not just “mom”, that’s an evil malignant narcissist.
When I first started cleaning my cats’ litter box it was disgusting, but after a while I got used to it and it no longer bothered me. But shit should always be disgusting. So should malignant narcissists. It’s that normal sense of revulsion that should protect us from them. If we allow ourselves to be exposed to it too long, we do adjust that line of what is appalling and what is acceptable.
As far as this fascinating question as to what to call them, Psychopath from the Greek, “soul sickness” would be great, if we all spoke Greek. That term, for better or worse has taken on the connotation of a knife slasher. Malignant Narcissist is pretty good. Selfish, is one that everyone gets, but it does the range of behaviors a disservice. Soul Sucking Parasite, gets more to the heart of the matter but doesn’t describe the Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde aspect. Predator does address it but doesn’t say why. That’s why I vote for “emotionally arrested infantile drama addict.” It tells us the behavior to watch for, “drama”. It explains why they do it: they have the needs of an infant. And consequently it also tells us what else to expect: all types of tantrums, charm, and pity ploys. And it’s in English!
For those posters who said that they could not possibly have seen it coming. YES you could. Not to put anyone down, because I didn’t see it coming for 25 years either. But the truth is that these parasites insert their tentacles in slowly and you CAN see it happening but you don’t know the words for it. They do what they do right before your eyes: charm, pity and rage. It’s unfortunate that we ascribe those behaviors to normal adults because we watch so much DRAMA on tv PROGRAMMING. It isn’t normal, it’s infantile and if we were taught that, we would know an abberation when we see it BEFORE it’s too late. I would be surprised to hear that there were no WTF? moments in anyone’s relationshit with a EAIDA. There HAD to be because they test, they tell, and they push boundaries before they ultimately strike. This is how they hook us. All the while marching us up the steps of that pyramid where they precede to tear our hearts out and tumble our lifeless bodies down the steps.
Skylar,
Your analogy about cleaning the cat box and what is “acceptable” and what is “normal” and how we learn to tolerate the NOXIOUS slowly is pretty right on.
I’ve been ruminating a bit on your going to see your dad because if you don’t he will “cry”—-and how you really don’t want to do it, but you are anyway because if you don’t, HE WILL CRY. I know your feelings about him are sort of “mixed” and you seem to think he is pretty much an N and your mother is more cold and distant and disapproving—I can relate to the doing things that I don’t want to do, that I really DO NOT WANT TO DO in order to “keep someone else from feeling bad/crying” etc. but then RESENTING doing it….and that is ENABLING behavior I think….it is giving in to EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL of “come see me today or I will cry and then you will feel guilty and feel bad” and so we give in and give them what they want, but WE RESENT it. I’m done doing that. I’m done giving in and doing something that I do NOT want to do in order not to feel “guilty.” (Now I am not talking about something that is my responsibility to do)
Though there are things I do do FOR A REASON, for example. My first cousin who is my egg donor’s POA and I have not seen in months and months called me and came over for a visit yesterday because he won a paid for “get away weekend” at a fancy resort near here and wanted me to keep his dog for the weekend. I really didn’t want to keep the dog but I agreed to keep the dog FOR A REASON—because I wanted to suck up to him for my own reasons, NOT BECAUSE I CARED that he only came to see me because he WANTED SOMETHING. I no longer give a big rats arse what he thinks of me, I KNOW he really doesn’t care about me or he would not have not even called me for months and months until he NEEDED SOMETHING. And, the last time he was here was because he needed something THEN TOO. I’m willing to DO the something, not because I care about him any more either…but as a “manipulation” because I know in the future I will NEED HIS COOPERATION for my own safety and he does have the POA for the egg donor.
I think Erin B would call this a bit of “back-spathing” (not that I think my cousin is a psychopath, because he isn’t—he’s just an enabling and dysfunctional son of a psychopath who abused him as a child). I am simply recognizing that my cousin is not an emotionally healthy man, he is still deeply involved with the denial and enabling and “let’s pretend all this never happened and be friends” family dynamics which I no longer want to play. However, it behooves me to be realistic though, and obtain his cooperation in dealing with the egg donor, if the time comes I need his cooperation for my safety. So, I’ll keep his dog for the weekend, but it isn’t a “favor” for someone I want to do something nice for, it is an “advance payment on his later cooperation” because now he OWES ME ANOTHER ONE.
Yes, Oxy, I do have reasons.
One, they took me out for my birthday.
two, they take care of my cats.
three, I take advantage of each meeting to continue to enlighten them about sociopaths, hoping that they will eventually see how disgusting the sociosibs are.
And thanks, I will use that litter box analogy when I talk to them. Every analogy/comparison opens up their minds a bit more. But it’s their gut reaction that has to be fixed. I was just like them before the Spath attack. Well not just like them, but I was willing to overlook my sister trying to put my brother in jail – I mean, WHY would I overlook something so diabolical? What does that say about ME?
There is forgiveness and there is ridiculous. You can’t forgive those who aren’t sorry and now she denies it even happened. She denied it in front of all of us. So she has proved that she isn’t sorry, she has added insult to injury with her blatant, bald-faced, audacious lies. gonna be sick just thinking about it…
Sky, Your bro is a psychopath that lives in your parent’s basement, and your sister tried to put him in jail…now denies that she did that. Your parents are an N or worse—and you are going to ENLIGHTEN THEM? ROTFLMAO Come onnnnnnn, Sky. You know that you are NOT going to get them to see the light that their darling children are Ps or that they are!!!! ROTFLMAO That’s like me trying to “enlighten” the egg donor that her grandson who has COMMITTED MURDER FOR GOODNESS SAKE is a psychopath—or that the Trojan Horse Psychopath a convicted kiddie sex offender is a “bad guy”—-LOL EVEN WITH EVIDENCE AND A MUG SHOT AND DATES AND CRIME NUMBERS she refused to believe me, thought I made it up on my handy-dandy computer, all faked. LOL ROTFLMO
Your parents are NOT going to buy one item, your brother will stay there in their basement til the cows come home, and your sister will continue to lie and deny….and daddy will cry if you don’t go to see him when his birthday comes around. Well, if they take care of your cats for you, at least you are getting something out of it…but PAAAAALEEEEEZE don’t think you are going to educate them….NOOOOTTTTTT GONNA HAPPEN! (((HUGS))))
ps I did try to educate my cousin too—-even though he had SEEN his father (my Uncle Monster) hold him and his sibs and his mother at GUN POINT for hours on end and scream at them and beat his mother etc. he still played the game of “let’s pretend none of this happened and all get along.” One of his sisters refused to play hard ball with that, but the other sister actually had daddy-kins come and give her away at her FOURTH wedding, and cousin used to come up here for visits with Daddy-kins at Christmas and so on. But he just didn’t GET it—-he doesn’t get NC and he asked me “how can you two (me and egg donor) work it out if you won’t talk?” I told him I had TRIED TALKING but she just wanted to sweep it under the rug and pretend none of it happened—and he thought that was an OK way to handle it. Nope, she REFUSED to discuss any of it….refused to acknowledge anything except that we would “just pretend none of this happened”—when she said that I KNEW. I KNEW what I had been doing for so long. I knew what the FAMILY DYNAMICS WERE. I also knew that even if I changed, they were NOT GOING TO DO SO. Especially not at nearly 80 years old in her case and 50+ in his. It was too painful for them to change to start with and CHANGE IS PAINFUL. Learning what you have been doing your entire life is dysfunctional is PAINFUL. They are not willing to put that much work into something so painful as CHANGE.
Oxy,
I tell them about your stories all the time. They listen intently and with fascination. They know that their children are a danger to THEM. They know this because they have seen parental abandonment by other distant cousins, they’ve seen family feuds over properties. They are seeing that I’m the only one they could ever hope will take care of them when they get old (they are as young as 15 year-olds right now – amazing health!). So they have selfish reasons for wanting me around too. They know all about what exP is about, so I just need to get them to see that exP is no different from trojan P and P-sis and P-bro.
PS, I wish you could visit them and boink them! 🙂
If we find ourselves presenting the ‘S info’ over and over…..it’s falling on deaf ears……
Stop.
We are being tuned out.
If someone is open to receiving the info……they get it.
If they are not……it’s becomes a ‘story’ that is just WAY over their minds and realm of ability to grasp….and chances are…..they will NEVER get it…….