One reason why many of us found ourselves victimized by sociopaths is because we did not know that dangerous personality disorders existed.
We may have heard of crazy people, but we assumed that we could spot them because they looked and talked crazy. We may have heard of psychopaths, but we assumed they were serial killers or some other type of obviously hardened criminal.
We did not know that people existed who could convincingly proclaim their love, cry tears of sadness, and make glowing promises for the future, all simply to exploit us. We did not know that these people were called sociopaths and/or psychopaths.
In my opinion, a big reason for the public’s unawareness of, and confusion about, this dangerous personality disorder is the lack of agreement in the mental health profession about naming and defining it. How can you educate the public about these social predators when you can’t even decide what to call them?
Range of names
Research psychologists in major universities use the term “psychopath.” The main reason is that they run their studies using the Psychopathy Checklist Revised (PCL-R), developed by Dr. Robert Hare.
The PCL-R is recognized as the gold standard for evaluating the disorder. The instrument includes a list of 20 characteristics. An individual is rated 0, 1 or 2 on each item, and the points are added up for a total score. A person must score 30 to be diagnosed as a “psychopath.” For more on the PCL-R, read Researchers minimize the psychopathy problem.
Psychiatrists and other clinicians follow the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, now in the 4th edition. At the moment, the official term in the manual for this malady is “antisocial personality disorder.” Psychiatrists use the term “sociopath” for short.
Currently, the DSM-IV recognizes 10 personality disorders, divided into three clusters—A, B and C. Cluster B covers dramatic, emotional or erratic disorders. It includes antisocial, borderline, histrionic and narcissistic personality disorders.
All of this, however, is in the process of change—the 5th edition of the manual is now being written. A year ago, a draft of the new manual was posted on the Internet, and the public was invited to comment. For the most part, the diagnostic criteria were much improved, but Dr. Liane Leedom and I had problems with a few of the descriptive statements. Read our views in Lovefraud’s comment about sociopaths for the DSM-5.
My biggest problem with the revision is that it creates yet another name for this condition, “antisocial/psychopathic type.” Personally, I think this term is ridiculous. I don’t even know how it would be used in a sentence. Do we say that someone is an “antisocial slash psychopathic type”?
Selecting “sociopath”
When I was first developing Lovefraud.com back in 2004, I had to decide which term to use. After some informal market research, I selected “sociopath.”
The main reason was that “psychopath” was just too scary. Hollywood and the media portray psychopaths as deranged serial killers. I worried that people would not believe they had a psychopath in their lives, because he or she had never killed anyone, and would therefore dismiss all of the information about this disorder.
My reasoning was supported by last year’s Lovefraud survey. The survey asked the following questions:
Before your involvement with this disordered individual, what did you understand the term “sociopath” to mean?
- Criminal: 19.2%
- Serial killer: 19.4%
- Someone who was delusional: 6.4%
- Person without empathy or a conscience: 19.7%
- I didn’t know what it meant: 35.3%
Before your involvement with this disordered individual, what did you understand the term “psychopath” to mean?
- Criminal: 15.0%
- Serial killer: 51.2%
- Someone who was delusional: 13.4%
- Person without empathy or a conscience: 8.9%
- I didn’t know what it meant: 11.5%
Fully half of the 1,378 survey respondents believed a psychopath was a serial killer. I think it’s safe to assume that this level of misinformation pervades the general public.
Overlap
So the experts argue over terminology. I’ve even had two college psychology professors contact me to tell me that I’m using the wrong name. Although they didn’t seem to be aware of the disagreement in the field, I am, and I summarize the disparate views on the Lovefraud.com page, Psychopath/sociopath.
In practice, the behaviors and traits exhibited by individuals diagnosed with psychopathy, sociopathy narcissism, and even borderline personality disorders overlap, so it’s hard to tell where one ends and another begins. Many Lovefraud readers simply describe the individual they were involved with as P/S/N, for psychopath/sociopath/narcissist. Others say that the individual has a “cluster B” disorder. Of course, no one knows what that means, but it is less prejudicial and more likely to be believed.
Proposed name
I propose a solution to the name problem. I propose that “sociopath” become the general term for a social predator, someone who exploits others.
In the general category of “sociopath,” there can be subcategories that reflect the different types of exploiters. “Psychopath” can be defined as someone who scores 30 or more on the PCL-R. “Narcissist” can be someone who uses others, but doesn’t necessarily set out to cause them harm. “Antisocial personality disorder” could describe the people who are worse than a narcissist, but not as bad as a psychopath. Other subcategories can be defined as the experts see fit.
“Sociopath” has the advantage that it is already in the lexicon, but does not carry the cultural baggage of “psychopath.” People are generally aware that the word has something to do with bad behavior. But, as our survey pointed out, the largest number of respondents didn’t really know what “sociopath” meant, so they could be educated.
“Sociopath” could be analogous to the term “cancer.” There are many types of cancer—lung cancer, skin cancer, colon cancer—but we all know that cancer is bad and we take precautions to avoid it. We don’t smoke. We use sunscreen. We eat fiber.
Here’s a key point: For many people, the harm caused by sociopaths is completely avoidable, if we take precautions.
Some of us were unlucky in that we were born to a sociopathic parent, or into a family that contained sociopaths. We were stuck in those situations until we could find a way to get out.
But the rest of us invited the sociopaths into our lives. If we knew that these predators existed, if we knew the warning signs, we never would have done it. We could have avoided the trauma that they caused.
In my view, settling on a clear name and diagnostic criteria for this disorder is a public health issue. People have learned how to protect themselves from cancer. With education, we can learn how to protect ourselves from sociopaths as well.
bbe I guess they all have gas lighting dont they..it’s just best to move on and leave them be.
Hens,
That is a simple way of putting it and right on the button. We should just leave them be. Like a rabid skunk, you do not want a piece of that!
To HopeforJoy,
Thank you for your post. I am glad I am not the only one who recognises that hard calculating look that says “I don’t like you cause I know something about you”.
I don’t know if I should laugh or cry about your statement about being crazy. I was told I am crazy so many times why not post about it…
I understand the withdrawl of the spell. Even after 20 years? I do miss the routine of Jim’s phone calls. I must really be a creature of habit. Cause all I got was phone calls or a ride to the grocery store in my car with my gas. And, I miss that routine?
Or is this more about my ego. He made a fool out of me. He took me for every bit of money he could get and then he made me look like the thief.
Hens
I have to laugh (sorry) at your paranoiah of wondering if the gal with the evil stare is dating your X. I wondered if there is anybody my X had not screwed.. But I am at the point I dont care and mostly I dont want to know”.
I’m so glad you said that because when I read that I had to have a chuckle too. Not because I’m making fun, but because I can SO relate! It’s good to know that I’m not alone in thinking that same kind of stuff.
Although I’d like to be where you are in that I just don’t care, but I’m there now with “I don’t want to know”
I don’t either.
LL
hopeforjoy
Yes – It took me two and a half years to get the stink out of my nose…
“bbe I guess they all have gas lighting dont they..it’s just best to move on and leave them be.”
Hens;
I remember one weekend during which I had two very long conversations with my x-spath. By the end of the weekend. I was convinced that I had found a soulmate, much of that due to his sellling himself to me. Six days later, I was dumped.u
When he dumped me, I had not quite figured everthing out, so I was confused and shocked. I mentioned the preivious weekend to him, when he was so flattering too me I was uncomfortable.
He response, to go flash back to our third date when he “agreed” we had a connection but he was “not sure” what the connection was.
Now I know he was gaslighting, but in the moment I had no response other than to question whether I had heard what I thought I had heard, which of course is the truest indication of gaslighting.
Hens, I don’t care either if Jim is screwing the court reporter. I just gotta wonder if I am being squeesed out of the county. It wouldn’t be a biggie in a better housing market. Then I could sell and run!
Jeannie,
You may miss the phone calls, but it’s worth having your sanity to be away from him. They are great salesmen and their set of encylopedias at an inflated price? Oh baby, we bought ’em. My mother-in-law once said about her spath son that he could sell an encylopedia salesman a set of encyclopedias. Yep, they are salesmen to the bone. They sell us a version of themselves but it’s completely false. Fake. Fraud.
Your NOT crazy and neither am I. They were crazy making for sure but we are perfectly sane.
I think that you need to allow yourself those moments of feeling bad about the good times and missing them. If it were all bad all the time, we would have never stayed with them. I just read the book “When Your Lover is a Lair” and it had a chapter about sociopaths. (of course it said to get away from them asap) It talked about the tight bond formed due to the excitement and distress you are subjected to.
They have also made acting pathetic down to an art form. I was warned about the pity play but I had no idea it would be so abundantly overused and the scale of it.
I wish you well in your court appearances. Ignore the court reporter, and as Hens said, he’s probably sleeping with her. Stay strong but be yourself, your true nature is an asset to you in court. Hugs!!!
There are so many things that are not cut and dried. Black and white. In just trying to properly label this disorder it opens an entire can of worms and the conversation/debate about labeling & defining this disorder more clearly can go back and forth for decades. Hasn’t it already?
There was a time not so long ago that alcoholism wasn’t thought about as being a disease. And although we have come a long way in getting the word out there about addictions and how this affects the entire family…… There is still room for much improvement.
Well over a decade ago I found myself at my fathers funeral. Much to my surprise I noted that there were many people at his funeral that highly regarded my father as a VERY nice guy. They couldn’t say enough about how wonderful he was.
Many of these people I had never met before as they were people that he worked with for close to 40 years. But I heard this over and over again. What a NICE guy my father was. Kind and generous and a real gentleman. WTF? My dad was a mean and nasty alcoholic. “Nice” and kind would not be words that I would use to describe him. Nor would the rest of his family. How could people that saw him on a daily basis for almost 40 years “know” such a different man than I had known? I was 42 yrs old, or there abouts when my father died.
It has taken me over another decade to put my fathers funeral into perspective. And it is another one of those things that simply put is not black and white.
I think BloggerT made several good points about the complexity of this disorder and that there are answers that are both true and false, even though they can be used to answer the same question.
Even in the case of my fathers funeral….One man, several different perspectives of who and what he stood for. The legacy he left behind is completely different depending who you are talking to. And I get that now….
Human beings are very complex. Alcoholism like any other illness is complex. As humans there are many layers to each of us.
Even as my fathers alcoholism escalated later in his life he was able to maintain one functional area of his life. His work. I didn’t know the man that my fathers co-workers knew and neither did his co-workers know the man that I knew.
You might ask…What does my fathers funeral story and alcoholism have to do with the subject at hand?
Well for me it is a story that sheds light on how people perceive things differently. It also confirms how a man can be seen through different lenses and in fact be a completely different person in one environment than another.
And if it took many decades for the general public to better understand that alcoholism is a disease, especially when alcoholism and addiction in todays world touches almost everyone on some kind of personal level…….
I can’t even imagine how long it will take to REALLY educate people on such a complex disorder as P/S/Ns.
Especially when we can’t even figure out what to “call” them. How to label them properly.
I believe that rather than to spend even more time debating what to call them, it would make sense to understand that whatever “label” they might end up wearing once the experts agree on what to call them….These are some very toxic people. I think we can all agree on that.
And in general maybe it would make more sense to try to educate our youth about toxic relationships.
Possibly if you spoke with a middle school/high school aged teen they might have heard the label sociopath, psychopath, or narcissist on the latest episode of Law & Order or some other TV show. This might be their only familiarity with such labels.
Lots of relationships can be toxic. A teenager might find themselves in a toxic relationship because they are being abused either physically or verbally but their abuser isn’t necessarily an S/P/N.
Maybe we are getting to “hung up” on the label. I relaize that it is confusing to not know how to properly label the personality disordered.
But truth be told….How many of us that find ourselves here on this site actually have a disordered individual in our lives that was DX a P/S/N by a professional?
Probably not the majority.
So maybe the label isn’t as important as the real focus we need to have. And that would be that TOXIC people exist regardless of what we call them.
Society talks to our teenagers about alcohol, drugs and sex and a host of other subjects.
Its time to just open up the subject of toxic people (in general) and how they might have an encounter with these kinds of people. EVEN within their own family.
Just the same way “stranger danger” was first introduced when they were little.
Hello Witsend
I watched a pbs program about the human brain. Our brain’s are like fingerprint’s, none of us see things the same way.
Good to see you . i miss you…..