Editor’s note: Steve Becker has a very dry sense of humor, and the following post is written tongue-in-cheek. If you have a humorous story about a sociopath, feel free to add it as a comment.
Well, thanks to the Investigation Discovery Channel, the latest estimates are that 85% of the general population is sociopathic, and likely to commit a horrific, calculated exploitation of another human being within the next three weeks.
Even leading researchers on psychopathy laud this cable channel (which, admittedly, is absolutely riveting) for getting their own estimates properly realigned. Only in the last two months, just on my street alone, two of my neighbors killed a spouse (one for insurance money, the other for the chance to be with someone else); two other neighbors, separately, kidnapped and tortured hitchhikers over a two-day period, during which both missed their kids’ respective travel soccer tournaments; my neighbor across the street, a great friend, is now believed to be a suspect in eight abduction/missing children cases since 2010; and the identical twins of another neighbor, three houses down, are believed to be responsible for the serial mutilation of dozens of dogs in the area since 2011 (they are 19, and my principal babysitters since 2009; and, because it’s so damned hard to find babysitters these days, they will remain my babysitters because apparently, at least as best i know to this point, they just mutilate and savage dogs).
And let me tell you something else–the street I live on is filled with relatively “normal” people. I’m told that what happens in my “neck of the woods” is nothing compared to the psychopathic crimes being perpetrated at a newly estimated rate of every 12 minutes around the corner, on my friends’ streets. They want to move to MY block.
Last month, my best friend learned that his wife of 16 years, a strikingly stable, well-adjusted individual (I still regard her as such), while mixing herself screw-drivers at night, was mixing him vodka-anti-freezes. He lies in critical condition at Overlook Hospital in Summit, NJ, but his wife is still a great neighbor and, admirably, visits him daily in the CCU unit (albeit one assumes she is scoping out chances to slip him some extra poison to finish him off.)  Last week, when I visited my buddy in the hospital I warned him firmly to beware his wife’s visits, but he’s in a coma, so I doubt he heard me.
It’s gotten to the point where I, myself, have become a bit paranoid. Recently I went to my internist, feeling weak and lethargic, just not myself, and asked him, “Could it be antifreeze, doc?,” to which he replied, “Well, how much antifreeze have you been drinking, Steve? More than a glass a night?”
Ha ha. He’s so funny. A real rip.
Anyway, it’s all very sobering. It seems you really can’t trust anyone anymore, not your neighbors, friends, kids, spouses, family, co-workers, not even yourself. Everyone, or almost everyone, it seems, thanks to the disconcerting revelations of ID Discovery, Â is a sociopath.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2013 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
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Funny stories about sociopaths – I’d love to hear them. Please post them as a comment on this thread. I’ll add an “Editor’s note” to the beginning of the article to clear up confusion.
Yes, if anyone has a funny story, please share right here!
My ex-husband, James Montgomery, took $227,000 from me to support his dreams of entrepreneurial grandeur. He was going to start a TV station, open a theme park, start a zoo of exotic animals, etc, etc. He told me that I was married to “the next Walt Disney.”
Well, he is now 73 years old and living on a minimal pension in Australia. Montgomery was still trying to meet women online, and at least seven told me that he started emailing them, they looked him up, found his profile on Lovefraud, and dumped him.
After his most recent wife divorced him, he could no longer afford his apartment. So he moved – apparently to a hippie commune in Australia. One of the women who dumped Montgomery ran into him at a train station near the commune. He weighed 300 pounds, was wearing a long orange caftan, a long scarf around his neck and glasses with pink lenses. She said he looked like a circus clown.
So much for “the next Walt Disney.”
Donna, sounds like he could be the next ‘character’ IN a Walt Disney film. The talking elephant or something like that. (snicker, snicker).
You probably already know this funny story about the spath I dated but I don’t think any of the newcomers here know it. He lied to the army and told them he was injured in Iraq and had no feeling from the waist down. He told them he could hardly walk. But the dumbass was so vain, he had me take pictures of him at a reptile show we went to. In this show, he was standing and holding a 75-lb burmese python (!). In another picture from a reptile show, he was carrying his young daughter on his shoulders. Imagine the army commander’s surprise when I sent him those pictures! Not to mention it proved he had driven an hour and a half to my town (he told them he couldn’t drive.) He eventually got convicted of fraud and adultery (surprise surprise) and it was HE who had buried himself in evidence. ha ha
He also told the army that he and I had just been platonic friends. But the dumbass had left 25 voice mails for me telling me how he was in love with me and how special last night was, etc., etc. I couldn’t wait to tape those messages and give the tape to the army.
He told me he’d just gotten a divorce. Then he posted pictures on the reptile site of him handling his brand new snake – wearing his wedding ring!
Dumbass wasn’t supposed to even keep snakes in the army housing. He lied and told them he didn’t have any. So imagine their surprise when I sent them the link to the reptile site where he posted pictures of his 10 snakes in their cages in his daughter’s bedroom!
If not for the damning evidence, he would have probably gotten away with it. Sociopaths can be very stupid and arrogant, thinking they will never get caught.
The funniest story by far was after I went NC with him. He stalked me at a reptile show. He actually walked right up behind me several times and smelled my hair (!). I just happened to buy a snake hook that day. My friend Dennis was carrying the hook for me when he saw the sociopath sneak up behind me. He very nonchalantly poked the spath in the crotch twice with the snake hook! After that the spath promptly left the scene. I had no idea this was happening but when Dennis told me afterward, I laughed so hard, I spit out my lunch. He almost caught the hook on the spath’s zipper. “Player gets hooked”. ha ha ha It still makes me laugh.
I’m not usually one to laugh at another’s stupidity, but……ha ha ha ha ha. Enjoy!!!
Having a sense of humor about the stupid things the psychopathic stalker did over the 4 years he victimized me was an important coping skill for me.
I’m running through the dumb things he did in my mind. I have many, but will tell you about one that I have on DVD.
First, some background. I have a restraining order that he repeatedly violated. He is not allowed to drive on my street due to his refusal to drive by without making his presence known to us.
He sued me in civil court, putting a mechanic’s lien against my home. His attorney wanted him to be allowed onto my property and into my home so he and a surveyor could “measure” my basement and the outside of my home. I refused and told my attorney to tell a judge to get a jail cell ready for me because I would never allow him into my home.
We had to have a hearing since I refused. The judge allowed him to drive on the street in front of my home, just one time, on a specified date and time, and explain his fraudulent claim to the surveyor. He was not allowed to get out of his truck or enter my property or home.
My husband happened to have that day off. I had a college visit with my daughter which I decided would be better for me to attend and not to be at home.
My husband set up a camera in the window facing the road to video the scene just in case the stalker would once again ignore the judge and enter our property.
In the mean time an arrest warrant was issued for the stalker on 8 new violations of the order of protection. I knew this but didn’t think they would arrest him right in front of our home.
I received a call from my husband while at the college visit. He was snickering because the chief of police and a sheriff’s deputy pulled up in front of our home, blocking the stalker in between them and arrested him on the 8 new counts of violating the Order of Protection.
The best part about it was that it was all being recorded by my husband. From the moment law enforcement pulled up, he locked himself in the truck for a time, then finally let the surveyor out who quickly got the heck out of there. Then they finally coaxed the stalker out and we got to watch them cuff him and take him away.
He ended up pleading guilty to the 8 charges, receiving the maximum 30 days in jail for each charge. He lost the lawsuit and I was awarded just under $15,000 restitution due to him pleading guilty to perjury for filing the fraudulent lawsuit against me.
He is now in prison for 21 years total due to his pursuit of me. Plus 240 days in county jail when he finishes the prison sentence.
Mr. Becker,
I read your article when it was posted and could see that it was tongue-in-cheek, so I was not offended by it. I also wasn’t offended despite the fact that a Discovery ID episode of Stalked: Someone’s Watching features a portion of what my family endured. The episode is titled Above the Law.
Let me assure everyone that my episode is fact and not created by writers. They have 22 minutes of air time to attempt to put each victim’s situation into perspective for the viewing audience so minor changes are made.
One of the things they changed is the narrator says that I married my high school sweetheart, while a wedding photo of me is on the tv screen. Actually, I was my ex-husband’s second wife, and the wedding photo is from my wedding to my second/current husband, lol! That was a shocker to see. Good thing they cropped my current husband out!
In my conversations with producers I told them that I didn’t want my story to be embellished. The truth is bad enough and I’m not the type to exaggerate.
When they mention that the stalker called me over 400 times in one month, that wasn’t quite accurate either. He actually called me over 1200 times in one month. I guess 1200 times is so many that it’s unbelievable. It’s actually true though.
After my episode aired I spoke with the Chief of Police in my town who appeared on the show commenting about my case. We both agreed that the episode only showed the tip of the iceberg of what my family endured.
My appearance on the Stalked episode was my desperate attempt to bring the ongoing situation to light. The sheriff in my county doesn’t report crime to media unless something happens that he can’t keep quiet, as in a murder. There is a reason for this, which can be seen by anyone who looks at the weekly court roster in our courthouse, which regularly has 40 or so cases for a rural area.
I am disappointed, however, when I see commercials for ID’s shows that seem to sensationalize them. I feel stalking is a serious, dangerous crime and needs to be taken more seriously. I hope ID continues to bring this issue to light so something is done about the lack of punishment for this crime.
Well, maybe I should have noticed that the numbers and the stories displayed where a bit unreal.
But I would like to maintain my original comment. I would apreciate if anyone had anything to say about it.
I still live under the impression that there are a lot more people with psychopathic traits around me and in the world in general than anyone would ever agree to consider to be truth. Maybe my perception of reality is distorted by the fact that I am still going through a very rough time or maybe I am really surrounded by spaths because I am still sending them signals without realizing even today. They seem to be only people that I atract. I am not trying to “atract people” but I have this strange feeling every time I start on a new job or anything. I keep asking myself where are the good people in this world? What am I doing that is so wrong?
Hi Katzu,
Even the most well-researched statistics are just estimates, just good guesses based on available evidence, and so mental health stats are based on the number of individuals who happen to make it into the system: you can’t be counted as a “stat” unless you are actually seen and diagnosed by a psychiatrist/psychologist.
Since those with Cluster B personality disorders and psychopathy rarely if ever voluntarily seek psychological treatment for their own self, unless they happen to have a co-morbid condition like depression or anxiety, or unless they drag their spouse or child in to see a psychologist to “fix” *them*, I think the stats RE the percent of the population that have a diagnosable Cluster B disorder or psychopathy are way, WAY low.
The factor of “functionality” plays a part, also. Usually its just the low-functioning Cluster B or psychopathic individuals who are involuntarily detained and diagnosed. My mother was a high-functioning borderline pd/narcissistic pd individual who had a smattering of antisocial traits also, but she was formally diagnosed only after my Sister and I grew up. If a person is high-functioning enough to hold down a job and not get arrested for brawling in public or embezzlement (etc) and not get herself involuntarily held for evaluation from trying to commit suicide, driving drunk, etc., then he or she is not going to make it into the statistics. My mother was not formally diagnosed until she was in her late 40’s (and then, she received a bpd diagnosis from two different therapists) but she managed to do a great deal of psychological damage in the meantime, to her little family.
Also, a person can be skating by in the “sub clinical” category; they may display only 4 of the five diagnostic criteria for, say, borderline pd or narcissistic pd, or they may display all of the traits but infrequently.
I agree: a valid diagnosis can only come from a psychiatrist or a psychologist, and I’m only going by my own personal experiences and by what I’ve read on the subject, but I still think that the total percent of the population that has either a Cluster B disorder or psychopathy is closer to 8% than just 1% or 2%.
But, I tend to be a rather cynical and untrusting sort of person, so take that into account.
Katzu – I agree that there are more disordered personalities than just the official estimates for people with antisocial personality disorder.
When I speak to students, I define sociopaths as “social predators,” and I refer to it as encompassing several different personality disorders. Here are the disorders, and the official estimates for how many people have them in the US:
psychopaths and antisocial personality disorder – 1% to 4% of the population
narcissistic personality disorder – up to 6%
borderline personality disorder – up to 2%
So if you add them together, up to 12% of the population, which is 37 million people in the US.
Katzu, reading your post reminded me of how I sometimes felt when I began reading about personality disorders. For a few months after ending my relationshipwith a man who displays many sociopathic characteristics ( and who I now believe to have borderline personality disorder due to his recently staging his own hospitalisation in his increasingly hysterical attempts to get me to break months of no contact), I read almost daily about sociopaths and narcissists.
This becomes unhealthy, if it results in a distorted view of humanity. The truth is that whilst personality disorders exist, the vast majority of people you meet are not personality disordered. Most people are far from perfect, but are generally well meaning and do not intend harm to others. It’s very important to remember this, especially as the stress and trauma of a relationship with a harmful, abusive person commonly causes depression, which often makes us feel less than positive about the world in general and about other people.
Whilst it is statistically the case that, if we counted up all the people in the world who display harmful, abusive behaviour, they would unfortunately number many millions, it is still the case that you are much more likely to meet empathetic, well intentioned people as you go about your daily life.
It’s also useful to remember that we may come across very difficult people in life, who may be abrupt, irritable, egocentric and unsociable, for example, who are not personality disordered and not dangerous, they may be suffering from a common mental health problem like depression or anxiety, or they may have a difficult personality style, rather than being personality disordered, which is a serious psychiatric condition which indicates high levels of dysfunction over many years in many circumstances.
Sociopathy and Psychopathy are spectrum disorders, the foundation of which is lack of affective empathy. Any homo sapiens is capable of adaptive behavior that may be construed as harmful. If I picked up a knife to stab an attacker, I’d be inflicting harm. That wouldn’t make me a disordered person.
The distinction can be made as to whether a person inflicts harm as protection or inflicts harm with the intent to violate and secure personal gain.
I’m inclined to think that there are far more folks out there who have disordered moral reasoning than the 4% currently estimated by psychoscience. And it seems the “me first” mentality of society lends itself to “anything goes” in interpersonal relationships, creating more sociopaths than we’ve seen up ’til the present. Also, because their behavior is serial, not isolated, a small portion of the population can cause harm to a great many folks.
Steve, I’m sure glad I don’t live on your block! And I do think you either need to find a new sitter, or plan outings where you take the little ones with you ’til you do!
JmS
jm_short:
I in agreement with your observation about “far more folks out there who have disordered moral reasoning than the 4% currently estimated by psycho-science.”
I attribute this to an unaccounted for number of sociopathic ACTS by a growing narcissistic entitled population. Where does it come from? Surprisingly, much of it comes from GOOD DECENT people who think they must not judge… there’s no one to say NO. STOP. THINK. BE CONSIDERATE.
The outrageous behaviors of such a large number of spoiled vicious sociopathic brats is SO prevalent that it’s considered NORMAL. (it’s changed the bell curve!) AND…if some rare person does say no, they are the ones dismissed as immoral.
It’s no wonder that victims of sociopaths can’t get heard.
Why are you glad you don’t live on Steve Becker’s block? He is joking. The man is a licensed counselor and a long standing and well respected contributing author to this site. Surely you didnt think Donna would post in seriousness claims that “85%” of people are sociopaths. By authors who allow animal mutilators to babysit. Come on. Donna even wrote the following to make crystal.clear this article is satirical. ..Editor’s note: Steve Becker has a very dry sense of humor, and the following post is written tongue-in-cheek.
Katzu, hello. Other posters have already covered things pretty well but I’ll add a couple thoughts that may be helpful. Babs94 made some good points and my thinking is along those lines. If 1-4 % of the population would be considered a true sociopath, how many more would be considered malignant narcissists, borderline, histrionic….
Then as the other poster stated there are those that fall just shy of fitting neatly into a category. Bottom line is as you mentioned they are exhibiting traits that are consistent with what we typically view as cluster b . Kind of brings the number up a bit doesn’t it ? I recently found another site that has been very educational for me. There are many excellent articles that touch on exactly what people like you and I need to understand about what makes us particularly vulnerable to these types. It’s called Counsellingresource.com from dr George Simon. People like us are labeled as neurotic (not in a negative sense) and many articles key in on how easily we are read by, and manipulated by those with character disorders. Here’s a good article to get you started – Nobody understands neurotics better than psychopaths. Hope this helps.
4light;
You are quite right. All those with a Cluster-B PD are toxic individuals, even though many, especially the Narcissists, are quite successful. In fact, one might argue that malignant Narcissism is a prerequisite for success in segments of our unfortunately increasingly Narcissistic, materialistic society.
However, interpersonal toxicity is not limited to Cluster-Bs and if somebody viewed “interpersonal toxicity” as the measure for Sociopathy, a very large number of persons would be viewed as such.
The other day, I took stock of everyone I knew, trying to find somebody who fit my ideal of a truly “model” person. I could not identify a single one. This does not mean everyone I know is a sociopath or even toxic.
It just means I don’t know anyone without serious issues, whether they recognize such or not and many cover their issues without outward signs of “success.”
BBE, Hello. Interpersonal toxicity – I hadn’t heard that expression before. I’ll have to research that. That model person can be a tough one to find. Your first paragraph regarding society’s direction, – hard to argue with you on that one.
4Light;
“Interpersonal toxicity” is a term I just coined! There do seem to be a few others who have used it, but not many. However, it is a very good term that is all encompassing — really just a refinement of “toxic individuals” or just “toxic” used here.
Sometimes, by trying to label an individual as a Sociopath, Borderline, Narcissist or whatever we essentially miss the forest for the trees. Somebody need not be any of these to be toxic or more specifically, interpersonally toxic.
I agree BBE, as per my post to katzu, there are many reasons other than a personality disorder why someone may be very difficult, unpleasant or even abusive to others. A person can behave very badly towards another in a particular point in their life and not be personality disordered.
There is often debate on LF about the percentages of people who are ” sociopaths” . The fact is that 6 personality disorders are now recognised in the DSM, only three of which are intrinsically going to create a high conflict, abusive and even dangerous individual ( Anti-Social, Narcissistic and Borderline) and noone is going to get a diagnosis of any of them without hving displayed years of highly dysfunctional behaviour across a number of contexts. They are not regarded by the psychiatric profession as ” spectrum disorders” in the manner of Autism. And statistically, far more people don’t have them, than do, luckily.
Regarding sociopathy. This term is essentially a term used synonymously with psychopathy as LF regulars know. Hare makes the point that there may be many individuals with some psychopathic traits ( e.g. Reckless, or interpersonally exploitative)who are not diagnosed, and who will never commit a criminal offense ( some will and will evade detection) he calls these  ” sub clinical” psychopaths. Despite psychopathy therefore being considered by Hare to be essentially a spectrum of dysfunctionality, affecting more than the very small percentages of full blown.diagnosed psychopaths, it is still the reality that most human beings are not more than, at their worse, a harmless pain in the. neck.
I do think it is important all of us in recovery not to begin seeing psychopaths/ sociopaths under every rock. Most of the experiences suffered by posters here are quite rare. Thank God.
Thank you for you coments. 4Light2shine I will check the article and the site you mentioned, thank you.
Before I could read your answers I was asking myself what could I expect posting here and what good would any answer do to me. Simpathy is not going to help me at this point. But then I realized Im still weak and still havent internalized (accepted, or fully learned) some key aspects/issues of what happend to me. For example, my father does have a personality disorder and although I reached that conclusion two years ago only last month this fact really struck me and made me think of the consequences it had in my life. Its like if I knew it intelectually but was unable to really believe until now.
I agree with all you said above and maybe I am really exagerating a bit. I think what led to me feeling everyone is a spath have to do with the fact that I lost everything including money and my social status. Not that a social status mattered to me but it does make a difference for lot of people. So to give you a better picture of the situation let me tell a bit some points of my story. I dont know the exact word for this but the exact translation would be “emotional deprivation” meaning by that that I was raised without much love or contact with my parents. My father had (still have) a very tight controll over my mother and he “teached” her not to spend much time with me as this would (acording to his wisdom) not be good for my education (!). So without realising any of this I was prone to have abusive relationships where other people wouldnt treat me with much respect but I would still comply in exchange for the crumbles of atention and afection they would give me. I wouldnt see this as a sick thing. This all ended in a very toxic relationship that almost got me killed 37 years after. Only then I started realizing there was something (or a lot of things) fundamentally wrong in my life. As I lost everything (money and professionaly wise) slowly everyone around me, my “true and great friends and brothers) left and I was by my self. At this time I was going to therapy and seeing a neurologist and they both recomended me to a specialist. So this specialist was suposed to help me get my life on track again. It sounds unbelivable but fact is after three weeks of treatment this therapy specialist – a very beautiful woman about my age married with two children (girls age 6 and 4) – called me to say she was recomending my case to another doctor and was no longer seeing me as a patient. Why??? Because she was in love with me(!!!). The day after this she went to my place to see me and talk. Have in mind this happened three months after my break up with my ex-wife and I was just recently uncovering the truth feeling lonley and cheated for the last six months. And I fell in to her! She gave me confort and I was once again weak. After two weeks into this “love affair” with my ex-therapist(!!!) she left her husband and moved to a new place. And she was telling me she wanted me to move over to her place and live together. I was the great love of her life and she loved me so much and was so happy she wanted us to form a family. Me her and her two kids! Thankfully by this time I was already reading everything I could about sociopaths. But it took me another two months to be able to find a way (and the strenght) to break up with her and run from that trap. I guess I was lucky she was so convinced she could fool me that she started doing things to acelerate that bond that where simply too much and scared me. Like once we were in bed and she just called her kids and put them all to sleep with us(!!!). I cant trust a “doctor”!
Anyway I dont have the time to tell you everything today. One day I will. But the end result of everyhing that happened in my life is this: My family turned their back on me thanks to my father and my ex-wife that convinced them she was the victim. She also gave me a bad reputation on the town I live. I got no friends and you here at Lovefraud are the only ones I talk about this now. I am on my middle forties and working as a clerk on a tiny hotel. I dont make enough to pay my rent but there is this “friend” that lent me the room that told me that “its alright, you pay me whenever and whatever you can”. I dont trust her. I have no future perspectives no motivation (in fact Im fighting depression), and dont have a clue what should I do in order to get out of this situation.
Behind ble eyes, I think this is a great name cause I listen to this song today and I keep thinking how much it have to do with me. Its tough to be seen as the bad guy by everyone.
Anyone who sees you as the ‘bad one’ here is blaming the victim. As long as we blame the victim these sociopaths will thrive.