This is a very tragic story left by one of our readers:
My daughter was misdiagnosed with ADHD. Then bipolar disorder, then Oppositional Defiance Disorder. I stormed out of her psychologist office when she told me that she saw something “dark” in my child. That was when she was 7. When she was 8, her sociopathy increased and she purposely drowned my poodle. She also tried to smother my baby by my second husband. The strain of her and my carrying the baggage from my last relationship has driven he and I apart and we currently trying to file for divorce.
She steals daily, has even stolen as much as $500 from my wallet. I lock things away, and she will simply pry open the lock, break the lock or disable locked windows so she can climb in for access to everything. My son sleeps with his father at night at his own home, while I sit here at night, catching her lurking through the dark, stealing whatever she can get her hands on (i.e., money, jewelry, food, perfume). If I try to discipline her, she simply runs off and screams to the top of her lungs “don’t kill me”, which causes the neighbors to call the police. Just this morning, I discovered money missing and brand new snacks I bought last night for the baby and all of us to share GONE. Every single day she steals. I have to sleep at night and when I do, she lurks in the dark, prying open things, destroying things.
It’s like if she is alone for a moment, she does something way over the edge. Like this morning, I caught her chopping blooms from cacti I planted with a mini shovel, I mean she looked like the LAST SAMARI. I am being victimized everyday and feel like she is the hunter in my home and I am the hunted. I have arranged for an IEP at her school and it is my goal to get her placed in a facility in Utah where they house and treat child psychopaths or excuse me, Oppositional Defiant children because liberal America will not allow her to be called what she truly is until she turns 18.
The issue of likely outcome is more difficult in child psychiatry than it is in any other aspect of medicine. Think for a moment, if a child has cancer and we know that 65% of children with this cancer die, what does that tell us about our particular child? I chose the number 65% because that is the percentage of conduct disordered teens that went on to develop antisocial personality as adults in one study.
When we consider studies of conduct disorder, oppositional defiant disorder and symptoms of psychopathy in children we have to consider that most of these studies are done on a special population of children that are being treated at University based clinics. So the information about prognoses we get is likely pessimistic. Sill not even these studies show that 100% of children with these symptoms have them into mid adulthood.
I would like to tell you about three children, I watched grow up. These children show us that we have to be careful about trying to predict adult personality function on the basis of what we see in a child.
The first child is a neighbor of mine. When she was 7 she was so fearful and shy that she refused to go on play dates. I spoke to her mother about this and her mother indicated that symptoms of anxiety tended to run in their families. Well, I saw that girl again at 14 and I can tell you she is “popular” and not at all shy. I asked her mother about what happened. Her reply was, “Yeh, she grew out of it.”
The second child is a boy who was a sibling of one of my daughter’s friends. At 7 he was a mess, very impulsive and easily angered. So much so he got into trouble in religious school. At 13 this boy is controlled and polite, a fine young man.
The last child is a boy I grew up with. I was always an animal lover. This boy’s behavior disgusted me because at 7 he captured lizards, stuck sticks through their mouths and killed them. He then put his kills in the street for cars to run them over. I hated that kid! Well, he did not grow up to be a psychopath. He is a loving husband, responsible father and business owner.
Video of 7 year-old Latarian
After introducing this background, I would like you to watch the video of Latarian Milton, a 7 year old who stole his mother’s car. (This video was recommended in one of our reader’s comments and I appreciate that.)
Go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itgcNy3L_Xc This boy demonstrates for us what psychopathic personality traits look like in children. He shows no remorse and says he enjoys doing bad things. He doesn’t care about the consequences of his actions because for him the fact that he gets enjoyment justifies everything. The comments left on Youtube reveal that many people have one of two incorrect views of psychopathy in children. The first is that it can be cured by beating the child. The second is that it invariably leads to a disordered adult.
If there was only a 10 percent chance that a child’s cancer could be cured, most people would still advocate that the child get aggressive cancer treatment. The odds for disordered kids are at least that and yet many people say they should be written off and secretly believe they should either be euthanized or imprisoned for life.
What should be done to help psychopathic children?
Psychopathic children do have the same issues as psychopathic adults. Namely, their pleasure system is warped and their impulse control system is defective. The difference is that these two systems are more changeable in a child than they are in an adult.
Psychopathic children enjoy “being bad” (to quote Latarian in the video above) more than they enjoy anything else. What they need is to be taught how to enjoy loving human connections. If they can learn to enjoy loving, then they have a chance at developing a modicum of empathy and conscience. This is where our pessimistic view of psychopathic children can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Studies show that the parents of such children often dislike them. The people who advocate writing off these kids do not help these parents. Parenting an at-risk child is the most difficult task many will ever have to face.
We have to support the parents of psychopathic children and encourage them to try to find something in the child they do like and can connect with. Psychopathic children require constant adult supervision and affectionate adult companionship.
Psychopathic children also need to be taught about the nature of impulses and morality. They need verbal lessons as well as real life lessons in the form of consequences. Studies show that when parents of psychopathic children dislike them, they often pull back and do not provide the consistent teaching of impulse control these kids need.
There is also another side to the prognosis coin. That is that many children who appear to be “normal” grow up to be psychopathic. I know this from two sources, scientific studies and people who write me. Dr. Hare has said the antisocial behavior that leads to sociopathy/psychopathy begins during childhood and adolescence. I agree with him, but the problem is that this antisocial behavior can take many forms. For example, lying, stealing and being aggressive toward a sibling are all behaviors that many sociopaths showed during childhood. Many children engage in these behaviors and so again we may consider them “normal.”
How can we prevent sociopathy in adults?
Behavioral science has revealed a great deal about what we can do to give all children the best chance. I was at a conference this week and one of the speakers noted that the State of California bases its estimate on the future need for prison space on the reading scores of children in 3rd grade! In addition to effective parenting, at-risk children need to have quality education. Right now our practice is to take troubled children and group them together for school. Not only do they all then get a substandard education, but they get to teach each other more antisocial behavior!
As a society, we are far from doing our best for psychopathic kids. Some children will develop disordered in spite of the best parenting and professional help. YOU WILL NOT KNOW IF YOUR CHILD IS IN THAT GROUP UNTIL YOU HAVE GIVEN HIM THE BEST PARENTING AND PROFESSIONAL HELP AVAILABLE. Medication may be necessary for some children. If you have done your best as parent and your child still has problems, forgive yourself. Rest assured that his problems would be much worse if you had not done your best.
I want to end with what I believe are the 10 attributes of effective parents:
Summary of Effective Parenting
- Effective parents are warm and empathetic.
- Effective parents reward good behavior.
- Effective parents establish clear rules and enforce them through limit setting.
- Effective parents model good behavior.
- Effective parents teach impulse control, respect and values.
- Effective parents surround their children with positive influences.
- Effective parents protect their children from entering into situations they won’t be able to handle.
- Effective parents teach age appropriate life skills.
- Effective parents have fun with their children.
Literally Sleeping With Mr. Wrong
There he was stunning and charming as ever. He swept me off my feet upon our first meeting. It was on the line of a New York City cruise where we first laid eyes on each other. He had all white on and was very neat. He had a bald head and a goatee. He smiled a lot and had very intelligent conversations. He told me that he had written a book and that he was in law enforcement. He had been working for Sing Sing Prison as a Corrections Officer (at least that is what he said). He also told me that he had three beautiful daughters.
We started dating slowly but continuously. First there were flowers, cards and then the chocolates. We dined at very nice restaurants in Brooklyn (where he was from). This man knew how to treat a woman. I felt special because I was treated like a queen from a handsome, smart and professional man.
We started to get in a serious relationship. He asked for my hand in marriage. I was so happy that with all the bad happening in my life that I had someone good who was by my side. We got pregnant and we were excited. We decided to combine our lives and children and get a new home to support our upcoming union.
Well we found a beautiful condominium that was perfect for us. Mr. Wrong asked my mom for my hand in marriage and my mom happily told him yes.
We moved in together and things were fine for the first four months. He went to all prenatal visits with me and still paid a lot of attention to me. It was great, so I thought.
Tragedy struck
I had four children of my own. Life was routine up until one day I had a family tragedy. One of my children did the unthinkable, took the life of their partner. The charge was manslaughter. I felt like my life was in a world wind. I was about to lose my child to the system and I lost their partner to death. Could life have gotten any worse? Well that wonderful man who was in law enforcement came to my rescue. He came with me to court, jail to visit my child and even helped in choosing a lawyer for my case. He was my media spokesperson. I was indebted to this person. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for him. I was now vulnerable.
I was in the media a lot because of my child and circumstances surrounding the case. I started getting threatening phone calls from people I didn’t know. How did they get my number? To make a long story short I received a phone call from someone I didn’t know. They were asking me to come to a hotel room; they claimed to be an attorney and said they could help my child. I immediately told Mr. Wrong what happened and he asked me to find out the information of the hotel room and such from the caller. I gave it to him. Well, Mr. Wrong claims he went there in stead of me and he told a chilling story to me that included kidnapping and murder. He claims that in order to protect me and him he would not give me specifics on who these people were or where the bodies were to be hidden. I wanted to go to law enforcement but with what evidence. Was this even true? They would laugh me right out of the police station.
Blessing & Curse
As you would expect the fun didn’t last long. I had spent all my savings on our condo. I was pregnant and I found out that Mr. Wrong had two more children whom he didn’t have anything to do with, four girlfriends and a mentally ill mother in which he collected her social security benefits for himself. He fathered 5 children 3 of which were 2 years old. When I asked him why he didn’t tell me about them he said because it was before me and none of my business. I soon found out that he had four residences prior to living with me in one year.
I was 7 months pregnant and Mr. Wrong left me. No explanations just left. My son is 2 months now and I have not seen Mr. Wrong. I went to court to seek child support and was told that if I can not get him served (process service) that they would have to dismiss my case. I eventually found out that Mr. Wrong left and ended up living with a woman (supposed wife of 15 years) and took his two daughters who he told me about in the beginning there to live with him. These were not her children and to top it off she introduced herself to his daughters as there step mom of 15 years. His daughters knew me because they lived with us in the condo for 6 months. To get them to dislike me, he told them that I killed there hamster and stole money out of their room. Now technically he has 6 children by 5 different women but only cares for 2. Not surprisingly he receives social security benefits for those two daughters. They are an additional source of income for him.
My blessing was giving birth to a 7lb 9oz beautiful baby boy and the curse was having a sociopath as a father.
Please visit me at my personal website: http://www.whenyoucryicry.com
The mightiest oak in the forest is just a little nut that held it’s ground..
that was neither here nor their but it was in my fortune cookie today
Henry, Henry, Henry … you always make me smile!
Piece of cake, piece of pie buddy tuddy.
I have a question for all of you:
Did you notice your children who were Sociopaths to be different even as babies or toddlers? When did you very first notice that they were different from other children?
OxDrover,
That’s very interesting. My ex didn’t meet his dad until he was 20. His mom always told him that his dad had wanted to have aborted and that it was his fault his dad left them. She had 7 kids, 2 of which had schizophrenia. One of his older brothers said that when my ex was a baby, his mom would just let him cry and cry and never held him. I guess she was depressed because my ex’s twin died at birth. My ex and his siblings that are still alive and sane said that their mom was never around. They had to fend for themselves and were isolated out in the desert. They basically raised themselves and just learned to cope with the Schizophrenic siblings, without professional help.
I try to be the opposite for my baby. I practice Attachment Parenting, which is a parenting style I don’t agree with entirely for all children and parents, but I feel it’s right for my baby. As a result, our bond is strong. I still carry him around in his sling when we do errands. I also still nurse him, so hopefully the sucking theory you presented means he will be a content and well adjusted adult. That’s my goal, anyway.
Jillsmith: Not all children who become sociopathic show the signs early on. Some yes, some no.
I had a child who did develop some sociopathic traits, and I can say I saw some differences. Other people have seen no differences, and in fact in a family with two children, the troublesome one turned out to be kind and compassionate and “the good kid” became highly psychopathic and dangerous.
Don’t try to second-guess your baby right now. Enjoy him and do what you can to get out of this stressful situation — as I know you are.
Dear jill,
I understand your anxiety about your child’s genetic background, belive me I DO understand. however, that said, you can’t tell from a child at birth or sometimes even up until puberty or evena fter, just what that child will be.
My oldest bio son is ADHD, big time, but he is the most loving man I could have hoped for, he drove me BINZO when he was a kid, not that he did “bad” things, because he didn’t, he just was “into everything” at WARP SPEED!!!!
My “Perfect Peter” child, a year and a half younger was a “perfect” kid until age 11, and then there was one expisode of theft and lying and when confronted he went into a rage of denial and ran away from home. but, you know, I don’t know a single person who never told a lie as a kid, or who didn’t filch something out of momma’s purse, or something along that line. It wasn’t a “walke up call” until he hit about 15 or so, then he became definant, but don’t all teenagers?
Of course, by the time he was 17, he was engaging in CRIMINAL activity, and still I didn’t give up “hope.” I know lots of kids who have done really stupid criminal things as kids, but grew up okay….but looking back and knowing what I know NOW, I would have written him off at 17. Hind sight is 20:20.
Just love your baby (you CANNOT love them too much, or hold them too much at that age). Just be the best parent you can be, and realize that no matter what, your child will be “himself” whatever that is. Though we love and want our children to be the best that they can be, they also have input into this equation as well. Loving and consistent expectations of and with your child, is the best that any parent can do for their child. Your son is fortunate to have a thoughtful and caring mother—what could be better for his childhood and his life? The rest is up to him. Don’t live in fear that he will turn out “just like his father” because he also has YOUR genes in there as well. That is the best that any parent can do! If any two boys had pith-poor-genetics for psychopathy my two did, but I have one son who is a wonderful man so I am blessed. Our of his four children, my Psychopathic sperm donor only had one psychopathic offspring, and that son was raised by him as well. Two of my half sibs who were also raised by my P sperm donor turned out okay. I was not raised by my P-sperm donor but instead by an enabling egg donor who taught me to make everyone happy and “keep the peace” at any price, which set me up to be a victim, as I was the one who paid the price!
I agree with Rune, don’t second guess your son, just love him and do the best you can! Most of the time, tha tis good enough.
JillSmith,
It is, of course, possible that your child has inherited genetic traits that could lead to the same disorder your ex has. But according to Dr. Liane Leedom, there are steps that you can take now, and it sounds like you’re doing them. Holding your baby a lot is a very good start.
You want to inoculate your son against the disorder by teaching him how to love–it may not come as naturally to him as it does to other children. I strongly advise you to read Dr. Leedom’s book, “Just Like His Father?”
At eight months old my middle son (who is now 27), stopped drinking my milk from the boob overnight. He just woke up one morning and decided “no more”. I tried to force him for one day. I was living with his psychopath father then and I was extremely stressed (and beaten). I don’t know if this son is a psychopath as he has never harmed me, except for “to withdraw”. He grew up with his father from age 11 years old, so he has a lot of his mannerisims. But he looks more like me. I have tried to keep contact and communicate with him, but he only wants to call me Mothers day, Xmas Day and my birthday. He lives interstat. Thats it. On those days he has always been lovely to me, but it is usually on the phone.
But my P daughter (now thirty), was always a “daddy’s girl”. Her father, well, he is the worst psychopath I have ever known. Cunning and sly as a snake…NO_ONE would EVER know what he was thinking, unless you lived with him for a LONG time. (Although Coleman comes a close second). He used to purposely set my daughter up, so it was the two of them against me. I remember vividly, her taking his side when she was only three. I thought it was a survival tecnique on her behalf. But it wasn’t. She is definitely a psychopath too. And even today, she can bung on the tears at will. And stop them just as quickly. She wouldn’t give anyone else the time of day – unless it was to exploit them.
She lived with me until she was 13 and then pleaded to go to a boarding school. I didn’t want her to go as I couldn’t afford it. She went and she excelled there in everything and she loved it. I only realised she was a psychopath a few months ago, (with help from LF). She is thirty so I don’t need to tell you the abuse I have suffered for so long and I have been totally in the F.O.G. about.I immediately went no contact. She is due to fly from Dubai to her fathers for a week. I can imagine their discussion about me. Just a few months ago, I wouldn’t have even dreamed what they would be saying. Now it is all too clear and I shudder. I have also gone no contact with her father. Which was easy as i only spoke to him on the phone at Xmas or to discuss my son previously. He has a new victim well entrenched down there.
I am at the computer cafe. I so miss being able to check out LF on waking and when I go to sleep.
Oxy:
We have been studying Picasso’s art and reading about what an ass*ole he was. Often he seems void of emotion and just copying others ideas. Could he have been a psychopath? ? I believe he was definitely a narcissist.