This is a very tragic story left by one of our readers:
My daughter was misdiagnosed with ADHD. Then bipolar disorder, then Oppositional Defiance Disorder. I stormed out of her psychologist office when she told me that she saw something “dark” in my child. That was when she was 7. When she was 8, her sociopathy increased and she purposely drowned my poodle. She also tried to smother my baby by my second husband. The strain of her and my carrying the baggage from my last relationship has driven he and I apart and we currently trying to file for divorce.
She steals daily, has even stolen as much as $500 from my wallet. I lock things away, and she will simply pry open the lock, break the lock or disable locked windows so she can climb in for access to everything. My son sleeps with his father at night at his own home, while I sit here at night, catching her lurking through the dark, stealing whatever she can get her hands on (i.e., money, jewelry, food, perfume). If I try to discipline her, she simply runs off and screams to the top of her lungs “don’t kill me”, which causes the neighbors to call the police. Just this morning, I discovered money missing and brand new snacks I bought last night for the baby and all of us to share GONE. Every single day she steals. I have to sleep at night and when I do, she lurks in the dark, prying open things, destroying things.
It’s like if she is alone for a moment, she does something way over the edge. Like this morning, I caught her chopping blooms from cacti I planted with a mini shovel, I mean she looked like the LAST SAMARI. I am being victimized everyday and feel like she is the hunter in my home and I am the hunted. I have arranged for an IEP at her school and it is my goal to get her placed in a facility in Utah where they house and treat child psychopaths or excuse me, Oppositional Defiant children because liberal America will not allow her to be called what she truly is until she turns 18.
The issue of likely outcome is more difficult in child psychiatry than it is in any other aspect of medicine. Think for a moment, if a child has cancer and we know that 65% of children with this cancer die, what does that tell us about our particular child? I chose the number 65% because that is the percentage of conduct disordered teens that went on to develop antisocial personality as adults in one study.
When we consider studies of conduct disorder, oppositional defiant disorder and symptoms of psychopathy in children we have to consider that most of these studies are done on a special population of children that are being treated at University based clinics. So the information about prognoses we get is likely pessimistic. Sill not even these studies show that 100% of children with these symptoms have them into mid adulthood.
I would like to tell you about three children, I watched grow up. These children show us that we have to be careful about trying to predict adult personality function on the basis of what we see in a child.
The first child is a neighbor of mine. When she was 7 she was so fearful and shy that she refused to go on play dates. I spoke to her mother about this and her mother indicated that symptoms of anxiety tended to run in their families. Well, I saw that girl again at 14 and I can tell you she is “popular” and not at all shy. I asked her mother about what happened. Her reply was, “Yeh, she grew out of it.”
The second child is a boy who was a sibling of one of my daughter’s friends. At 7 he was a mess, very impulsive and easily angered. So much so he got into trouble in religious school. At 13 this boy is controlled and polite, a fine young man.
The last child is a boy I grew up with. I was always an animal lover. This boy’s behavior disgusted me because at 7 he captured lizards, stuck sticks through their mouths and killed them. He then put his kills in the street for cars to run them over. I hated that kid! Well, he did not grow up to be a psychopath. He is a loving husband, responsible father and business owner.
Video of 7 year-old Latarian
After introducing this background, I would like you to watch the video of Latarian Milton, a 7 year old who stole his mother’s car. (This video was recommended in one of our reader’s comments and I appreciate that.)
Go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itgcNy3L_Xc This boy demonstrates for us what psychopathic personality traits look like in children. He shows no remorse and says he enjoys doing bad things. He doesn’t care about the consequences of his actions because for him the fact that he gets enjoyment justifies everything. The comments left on Youtube reveal that many people have one of two incorrect views of psychopathy in children. The first is that it can be cured by beating the child. The second is that it invariably leads to a disordered adult.
If there was only a 10 percent chance that a child’s cancer could be cured, most people would still advocate that the child get aggressive cancer treatment. The odds for disordered kids are at least that and yet many people say they should be written off and secretly believe they should either be euthanized or imprisoned for life.
What should be done to help psychopathic children?
Psychopathic children do have the same issues as psychopathic adults. Namely, their pleasure system is warped and their impulse control system is defective. The difference is that these two systems are more changeable in a child than they are in an adult.
Psychopathic children enjoy “being bad” (to quote Latarian in the video above) more than they enjoy anything else. What they need is to be taught how to enjoy loving human connections. If they can learn to enjoy loving, then they have a chance at developing a modicum of empathy and conscience. This is where our pessimistic view of psychopathic children can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Studies show that the parents of such children often dislike them. The people who advocate writing off these kids do not help these parents. Parenting an at-risk child is the most difficult task many will ever have to face.
We have to support the parents of psychopathic children and encourage them to try to find something in the child they do like and can connect with. Psychopathic children require constant adult supervision and affectionate adult companionship.
Psychopathic children also need to be taught about the nature of impulses and morality. They need verbal lessons as well as real life lessons in the form of consequences. Studies show that when parents of psychopathic children dislike them, they often pull back and do not provide the consistent teaching of impulse control these kids need.
There is also another side to the prognosis coin. That is that many children who appear to be “normal” grow up to be psychopathic. I know this from two sources, scientific studies and people who write me. Dr. Hare has said the antisocial behavior that leads to sociopathy/psychopathy begins during childhood and adolescence. I agree with him, but the problem is that this antisocial behavior can take many forms. For example, lying, stealing and being aggressive toward a sibling are all behaviors that many sociopaths showed during childhood. Many children engage in these behaviors and so again we may consider them “normal.”
How can we prevent sociopathy in adults?
Behavioral science has revealed a great deal about what we can do to give all children the best chance. I was at a conference this week and one of the speakers noted that the State of California bases its estimate on the future need for prison space on the reading scores of children in 3rd grade! In addition to effective parenting, at-risk children need to have quality education. Right now our practice is to take troubled children and group them together for school. Not only do they all then get a substandard education, but they get to teach each other more antisocial behavior!
As a society, we are far from doing our best for psychopathic kids. Some children will develop disordered in spite of the best parenting and professional help. YOU WILL NOT KNOW IF YOUR CHILD IS IN THAT GROUP UNTIL YOU HAVE GIVEN HIM THE BEST PARENTING AND PROFESSIONAL HELP AVAILABLE. Medication may be necessary for some children. If you have done your best as parent and your child still has problems, forgive yourself. Rest assured that his problems would be much worse if you had not done your best.
I want to end with what I believe are the 10 attributes of effective parents:
Summary of Effective Parenting
- Effective parents are warm and empathetic.
- Effective parents reward good behavior.
- Effective parents establish clear rules and enforce them through limit setting.
- Effective parents model good behavior.
- Effective parents teach impulse control, respect and values.
- Effective parents surround their children with positive influences.
- Effective parents protect their children from entering into situations they won’t be able to handle.
- Effective parents teach age appropriate life skills.
- Effective parents have fun with their children.
Dear Jlarue,
That is the ultimate trump card they will someitmes use, “the baaaaaby” and I understand your mom is heart broken, but stand firm…and don’t end up caught in the middle by your desire to make your mom happy, because ultimately it will just make her and you miserable. (((hugs))))
In my last blog I wrote:
My niece showed up on my door step one day. Her father’s girlfriend was beating her up and she left and went to stay with the girlfriend’s mother who put her out. Well, to fast forward, four years later, I’m bankrupt, physically and mentally exhausted. I got counseling for her, medication she desperately needed, got her involved in the church and even got her out of high school and into college. She believes me to be the worst person in the world. She only wants to have sex with boys and post pictures of herself on the web. She has stolen from me, had my car vandalized and sabotaged me computer. She is gone and may need somewhere to go soon. I dont want her back ”ever. I love her but I cant have her with me anymore. She is capable of anything and doesnt seem to have a conscience. I would like to hear more about teens and kids who are sociopaths. My niece was diagnosed as bipolar and I believe have more than one personality based on the way she behaves. I have never experienced anything like this a sympathize with anyone going through it.
Update:
Well, my niece showed up at my church today. I was lining up because I sing in the choir and she was maybe 6 or 7 feet from me bu she never acknowledged my existence. She didn’t speak to my mother or me and she was with a boy and a family member who is an instigator (just evil) showed up out of the blue. He has never been to my church. I count it all joy that she didn’t speak because now she is completely out of my life and my mother has the peace in knowing that she is alive. She is evil, a sociopath. We almost lost everything we had trying to help her and she has no emotion or feeling. I was in an car accident and have been getting procedures on my back and she never wondered how I was. I am glad she is out of my life. These people should never be in you homes.
Dear Jlarue,
I am glad that there wasn’t a big scene at the church. I suggest to answer your questions and give you more information about them that you go back through the articles here on LF and read them.
She sounds like she may be bi-polar as WELL AS either Borderline Personality Disorder and/or high in psychopathic traits as well. It is not unusual for psychopaths to ALSO be bi-polar, or ADHD, and “conduct disorder” is what the professionals call kids that are not yet 18 but display many of the signs of psychopathy.
The “more than one personality” part can be from the mania part of the bi-polar as they will cycle between mania and depression and when they are manic they will seem to be a “different” person than when they are depressed. How often this cycle happens depends on many times. Of course you are right they need medication and therapy but many times they actually ENJOY the manic phases as it is like a drug induced “high” and they don’t want to lose that.
Typically at this age they will go from one “love” relationship to the next and mooch off of others along the way,, or “couch surf” giving one “sob story” or another about why they can’t work or get a job or keep a job and how they need a place to stay for just a while…
Keeping her OUT of your life and your home is the ONLY defense you have in protecting yourself from her. There was nothing you could have done to have improved her situation or to have helped her. They have to cooperate in order to be helped.
Now all you can do is to learn. There are some great articles here. Read about them. It applies to them regardless of the age.
jlarue – when they show up, there is usually a reason. please keep your guard up during the holiday season.
i hope you are feeling better soon, and that your injuries heal fully.
You are absolutely right. I opened a custodial account for her a while ago and forgot about it. Today I went to close the account and found out that she had been there trying to get money out of it and close it herself. The teller explained to her that it wasn’t her account and she didn’t have any rights to it. It just shows how desperate she is. I am grateful that I changed the locks on my door.
Dear Jlarue,
Changing the locks on your door may be only the START of what you need to do….she may be so very angry at you for “keeping her from her money” (that is HER IDEA OF IT, not what the truth is) that she may try to get revenge.
I’m not trying to make you paranoid but to give you a heads up that these individuals, especially if they have psychopathy AND mental health issues like Bi-polar may become very violent and vengeful, so HEADS UP AND GUARD UP!
Don’t count on a lock stopping her, and if she has access to your car you may have slashed tires or other vandalism.
Hopefully, she will just go away, but many times they are so convinced that we have harmed them or kept them from something they are ENTITLED TO (our money, a place to sleep etc) that they become enraged and dangerous. My P son thinks that I am the reason his life is not exciting and rich and that he is in prison for a murder he committed, though I had nothing to do with him being caught for the murder, but because I have thwarted him on other things it is “all my fault.” LOL So whatever he does to me is OK because I DESERVE IT.
Hmmm, you have a point. She was responsible (I believe) for my car being vandalized once when I wouldn’t allow her evil father to interfere with her therapy sessions. Thank you, someone said that to me today and I didn’t give much though but now…I will.
Dear jlarue,
Many times they are sneaky enough that there is no way to “prove” who did what as far as vandalism is concerned but be aware that it is a possibility in any case.
One of the Ps after me was doing vandalism that was pretty sneaky and it was one of the things that cued me in to run for my life….he locked two donkeys I have up in a tiny pen in the summertime where they had no food and MOST IMPORTANT NO WATER.
I found them a couple of days later and I KNEW who had done it, because those donkeys were “stranger-danger” and would not let a stranger approach them, but he had fed them treats until they trusted him and would have followed him off the edge of the world, or into a pen where he locked them in, it was no accident, it took a human hand to lock that gate so they couldn’t get out. THEY TRIED to get out. NO ONE ELSE COULD have done it.
Other things, mostly minor things, cutting phone wires, leaving faucets on etc. but just continual stuff. I actually thought he might burn the house, but I realized later that they WANTED the house and its contents and if they had burned it, I would have gotten the insurance and they were out to bankrupt me as well.
So you kind of have to get inside of her head. If you CAN lock up your car do so, and put some motion lights or cameras where they can catch any activity and record it. Cameras do take in the dark now and are also quite inexpensive, for $500 you can have a great system. Talk to your neighbors and inform them that you may have a stalker. You might even talk to the police and let them know that you have a “situation” where they might need to come on the run. Wouldn’t hurt anything to heads up them that she is “mentally ill” (especially if she has had a diagnosis of bi-polar, tell them that, they know what it is and how dangerous it can be)
Good luck and keep an eye out! (((hugs)))
WARNING: COULD BE TRIGGERING!
WOW!!! Unbelievable article! What a horrible thing for that Mom to go through!!!!
Admittedly, I’m concerned for my youngest son. I’ve had to intervene two different times with two different children in the past. One for drugs, the other for sex offending. Yes, that’s what I said, juvenile sex offender. BOTH were INCREDIBLY painful as a parent to deal with. The latter much more so than the former. Even close to what has been the Spath, my son’s behavior upon discovery, was BY FAR and BAR NONE, the single most traumatic event in my life.
I intervened with one of my daughter’s with regards to drugs. I caught the signs early. She is clean and has been ever since and that was about eight years ago now. So proud of her! She’s worked hard on herself and now at 22, when her friends are all out partying in the bars, she’s choosing not to participate, even though she did for a time, as that it’s not “healthy” for her. She is full of wisdom for a young woman her age, and all the tragedies she has walked through.
My son was disovered purely by “accident”. It’s a VERY long story, but I IMMEDIATELY threw my son into therapy with an excellent Psychologist whom specialized in Juvenile Sex Offender treatment, even before he was charged with the crime he would be charged with. I was warned by this wonderful therapist that there may be further disclosures as time progressed. Boy, was that ever the truth and never in my life would such a disclosure be so immensely painful as it was. He had molested his younger brother. It was utter and shear devastation. Upon this disclosure, I had him immediately removed from my home. On the one hand, I wanted to kill him, but on the other hand, I still needed to support him, while also putting my other son into therapy and supporting him. With my son in the system, there were aplenty of batteries of intensive psychological testing done on him. There were no findings of personality disorders, but he did suffer from GAD and Depression. Part of this too, is because he was also suffering from the potential stigma that he was gay, of which I also found out at the exact same time he was caught in his crime. His crime was committed upon an adolescent three years younger than he. It was the same with my son. THere were a total of three victims. He was incarcerated for three years at a specialty juvenile sex offender program in our state and one of the best in our state. He was caught early enough, that other potential victims stood a better chance to be spared his offending behavior, as well as a lot of healing that has happened to him and for us as a family. his brother in particular. This was very painful for him too and the confusion insurmountable given all of our reactions and his being the victim/survivor. While it was excrutiating at the time, what was happening and having him removed, as well as the shock and trauma of his behavior, I have no regrets now, except years lost for him and lost for his victim, my son. I’m enormously proud of my children. They took responsibility and worked VERY hard on themselves through very painful circumstances.
Now, I have another son. My last. With the stories I’m reading here, it’s not as severe, so not sure what to make of it, but I’m very concerned. My alarm bells are going off left and right and advice would be great. I need to intervene again and I feel it in my bones. But it can’t be me that does it again this time. He needs more than I can give him. More than he will take from me.
My son is showing what I believe are signs of narcissism. Or perhaps sociopathy. He doesn’t hit any of us, BUT he has thrown things and punched holes in walls while angry. He is verbally abusive at times and incredibly manipulative. He is VERY bright and does extremely well in school. But he is oppositional in defiant behavior with me, as well as manipulative behavior with me. I’ve taken him to therapy and he lies. Or he just won’t speak at all. It does no good to put him there.
This is an idea that I have now. He’s fifteen, but will be sixteen here in a few weeks. I have threatened to throw him into job corps if his behavior does not improve. That was about a month ago. He HAS improved A LOT, but an incident the other day, in which he verbally abused his brother and then tried to justify it, even when confronted that it was wrong and why by me, STILL tried to justify it…..bothered me more than I can say. He is at risk. And I would never forgive myself if I didn’t do something NOW. Job corps will not take him until he is sixteen. The son that is the former sex offender told me that he was witness to how great job corps is and that this just might be the thing for his brother. My youngest also enjoys working, has worked before and has a great work ethic.
I want my son to have a chance at life. I have long since learned to let go of my pride when it comes to them, if I have to, so they can get the help they need/deserve if I cannot give it.
Please tell me what you think of this. I would appreciate any input you might have.
Dear Lesson learned,
I am so sorry that you are having such horrible problems, one right after the other. Congratulations on hanging on and especially with your other two kids.
This 15 yr old is out of control obviously and his behavior is not acceptable. I would NOT WAIT to do something, and would get with his counselor and put him in an INPATIENT SETTING NOW. Don’t wait til job corps. Job corps is not a great place I think to put a kid that is having such severe problems with his behavior.
You do not have to wait until your son is 16 to get control of him, so I would see what other options you have for inpatient treatment ASAP.
I think by telling him (“threatening” ) him that at 16 you will put him in Job Corps you are giving him a time line to buck up against, so I would take him to counseling AFTER I have talked to the therapist and made arrangements for him to go inpatient. The rage he is experiencing (and I am assuming this is the kid who was molested) He may indeed have some traits for psychopathy, but if you are going to help him, the sooner the better—but THAT SAID, there are some of them you cannot turn around, they are determined to destroy themselves and resist control of any kind. My P-son is a perfect example of one who would NOT allow himself to be helped. I hope the law will keep him in prison for the rest of his natural life, he is a human pit bull.
Good luck and my thoughts and prayers are with you. (((hugs)))