This is a very tragic story left by one of our readers:
My daughter was misdiagnosed with ADHD. Then bipolar disorder, then Oppositional Defiance Disorder. I stormed out of her psychologist office when she told me that she saw something “dark” in my child. That was when she was 7. When she was 8, her sociopathy increased and she purposely drowned my poodle. She also tried to smother my baby by my second husband. The strain of her and my carrying the baggage from my last relationship has driven he and I apart and we currently trying to file for divorce.
She steals daily, has even stolen as much as $500 from my wallet. I lock things away, and she will simply pry open the lock, break the lock or disable locked windows so she can climb in for access to everything. My son sleeps with his father at night at his own home, while I sit here at night, catching her lurking through the dark, stealing whatever she can get her hands on (i.e., money, jewelry, food, perfume). If I try to discipline her, she simply runs off and screams to the top of her lungs “don’t kill me”, which causes the neighbors to call the police. Just this morning, I discovered money missing and brand new snacks I bought last night for the baby and all of us to share GONE. Every single day she steals. I have to sleep at night and when I do, she lurks in the dark, prying open things, destroying things.
It’s like if she is alone for a moment, she does something way over the edge. Like this morning, I caught her chopping blooms from cacti I planted with a mini shovel, I mean she looked like the LAST SAMARI. I am being victimized everyday and feel like she is the hunter in my home and I am the hunted. I have arranged for an IEP at her school and it is my goal to get her placed in a facility in Utah where they house and treat child psychopaths or excuse me, Oppositional Defiant children because liberal America will not allow her to be called what she truly is until she turns 18.
The issue of likely outcome is more difficult in child psychiatry than it is in any other aspect of medicine. Think for a moment, if a child has cancer and we know that 65% of children with this cancer die, what does that tell us about our particular child? I chose the number 65% because that is the percentage of conduct disordered teens that went on to develop antisocial personality as adults in one study.
When we consider studies of conduct disorder, oppositional defiant disorder and symptoms of psychopathy in children we have to consider that most of these studies are done on a special population of children that are being treated at University based clinics. So the information about prognoses we get is likely pessimistic. Sill not even these studies show that 100% of children with these symptoms have them into mid adulthood.
I would like to tell you about three children, I watched grow up. These children show us that we have to be careful about trying to predict adult personality function on the basis of what we see in a child.
The first child is a neighbor of mine. When she was 7 she was so fearful and shy that she refused to go on play dates. I spoke to her mother about this and her mother indicated that symptoms of anxiety tended to run in their families. Well, I saw that girl again at 14 and I can tell you she is “popular” and not at all shy. I asked her mother about what happened. Her reply was, “Yeh, she grew out of it.”
The second child is a boy who was a sibling of one of my daughter’s friends. At 7 he was a mess, very impulsive and easily angered. So much so he got into trouble in religious school. At 13 this boy is controlled and polite, a fine young man.
The last child is a boy I grew up with. I was always an animal lover. This boy’s behavior disgusted me because at 7 he captured lizards, stuck sticks through their mouths and killed them. He then put his kills in the street for cars to run them over. I hated that kid! Well, he did not grow up to be a psychopath. He is a loving husband, responsible father and business owner.
Video of 7 year-old Latarian
After introducing this background, I would like you to watch the video of Latarian Milton, a 7 year old who stole his mother’s car. (This video was recommended in one of our reader’s comments and I appreciate that.)
Go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itgcNy3L_Xc This boy demonstrates for us what psychopathic personality traits look like in children. He shows no remorse and says he enjoys doing bad things. He doesn’t care about the consequences of his actions because for him the fact that he gets enjoyment justifies everything. The comments left on Youtube reveal that many people have one of two incorrect views of psychopathy in children. The first is that it can be cured by beating the child. The second is that it invariably leads to a disordered adult.
If there was only a 10 percent chance that a child’s cancer could be cured, most people would still advocate that the child get aggressive cancer treatment. The odds for disordered kids are at least that and yet many people say they should be written off and secretly believe they should either be euthanized or imprisoned for life.
What should be done to help psychopathic children?
Psychopathic children do have the same issues as psychopathic adults. Namely, their pleasure system is warped and their impulse control system is defective. The difference is that these two systems are more changeable in a child than they are in an adult.
Psychopathic children enjoy “being bad” (to quote Latarian in the video above) more than they enjoy anything else. What they need is to be taught how to enjoy loving human connections. If they can learn to enjoy loving, then they have a chance at developing a modicum of empathy and conscience. This is where our pessimistic view of psychopathic children can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Studies show that the parents of such children often dislike them. The people who advocate writing off these kids do not help these parents. Parenting an at-risk child is the most difficult task many will ever have to face.
We have to support the parents of psychopathic children and encourage them to try to find something in the child they do like and can connect with. Psychopathic children require constant adult supervision and affectionate adult companionship.
Psychopathic children also need to be taught about the nature of impulses and morality. They need verbal lessons as well as real life lessons in the form of consequences. Studies show that when parents of psychopathic children dislike them, they often pull back and do not provide the consistent teaching of impulse control these kids need.
There is also another side to the prognosis coin. That is that many children who appear to be “normal” grow up to be psychopathic. I know this from two sources, scientific studies and people who write me. Dr. Hare has said the antisocial behavior that leads to sociopathy/psychopathy begins during childhood and adolescence. I agree with him, but the problem is that this antisocial behavior can take many forms. For example, lying, stealing and being aggressive toward a sibling are all behaviors that many sociopaths showed during childhood. Many children engage in these behaviors and so again we may consider them “normal.”
How can we prevent sociopathy in adults?
Behavioral science has revealed a great deal about what we can do to give all children the best chance. I was at a conference this week and one of the speakers noted that the State of California bases its estimate on the future need for prison space on the reading scores of children in 3rd grade! In addition to effective parenting, at-risk children need to have quality education. Right now our practice is to take troubled children and group them together for school. Not only do they all then get a substandard education, but they get to teach each other more antisocial behavior!
As a society, we are far from doing our best for psychopathic kids. Some children will develop disordered in spite of the best parenting and professional help. YOU WILL NOT KNOW IF YOUR CHILD IS IN THAT GROUP UNTIL YOU HAVE GIVEN HIM THE BEST PARENTING AND PROFESSIONAL HELP AVAILABLE. Medication may be necessary for some children. If you have done your best as parent and your child still has problems, forgive yourself. Rest assured that his problems would be much worse if you had not done your best.
I want to end with what I believe are the 10 attributes of effective parents:
Summary of Effective Parenting
- Effective parents are warm and empathetic.
- Effective parents reward good behavior.
- Effective parents establish clear rules and enforce them through limit setting.
- Effective parents model good behavior.
- Effective parents teach impulse control, respect and values.
- Effective parents surround their children with positive influences.
- Effective parents protect their children from entering into situations they won’t be able to handle.
- Effective parents teach age appropriate life skills.
- Effective parents have fun with their children.
Oxdrover-
We don’t if she is destroying her. We know this mother is tired and frustrated.
I do not believe we need “to soothe ourselves ” first..that’s just absurd. Mothers struggle along in infancy knowing maybe in awhile you’ll get rest, a new career, your figure back.
She is a child. Yes, they need assistance- but to blame everything on a child is wrong. Maybe she chose a bad husband, maybe they gave up—I don’t know. But the reality is – this child has limited time for “help” and needs a parent at least. Not someone to cop out and run.
But it’s your choice- I have nothing else to add. I am just afraid ” a center” is just a box and way to forget she exists until she is evene worse and more easily dismissed.
Dear HWS, I am not suggesting that she put the child in an dungeon forever with a life sentence, I am suggesting that she place the child in a professional inpatient place for several reasons. One, the biggest one at this point, is to give the mother some respite, some rest mentally and physically. A TIME OUT for both mother and child.
In the middle of any “intense situation” between ANY two people a “time out,” a space apart for some time, to give tempers time to cool down, to let the light of reality shine in. That is not a putting the child in a box, but in a theraputic situation where she can be safe while the situation on both parts cools down.
I am NOT blaming ANYONE. Either the child or the mother, I am addressing the SITUATION as it is, not who was “wrong” or even WHAT IS WRONG, but just a “time out” so that things can settle down, so the mother can get a break to start to think.
In the middle of a CRISIS situation NO ONE can be totally rational or make their best decisions. I sure can’t, but once the crisis has calmed down, and you can breathe for a while and assess things, better decisions can be made.
Caregivers need respite too. That’s why sometimes people leave their children with a sitter and go for a vacation without the kids. Leaving this child with a conventional “sitter” isn’t an option.
The SITUATION WITH THE CHILD is what is destroying the family. The situation can be changed, but it needs a “time out” to let things calm down.
Dear TDP and readers-
Scientists studying moral behavior have developed the concept of psychopathy in order to better understand human nature and those who do harm to others. On this blog I have tried to give you a balanced view of the scientific writings.
There are two extreme views of psychopathy with almost no one agreeing with either extreme.
The first extreme says that psychopathy is an incurable, categorical disorder that is 100% genetic and that begins in chidhood and progresses unrelentingly into adulthood.
The second extreme is that psychopathy is not a disorder at all and has no meaning as a subject of research. There are several people who have made valid arguments to this effect. You should be aware that there are some very bright people who have good reasons for taking this view.
In my opinion, the people who advocate writing off psychopathic children come from the first extreme I mentioned. There may be a group of very psychopathic children and adults for whom this extreme view holds true. We just do not have any means to identify them.
So what does it all mean for family members and victims?
First, if you share life with an adult who is very psychopathic get away from that person if you can. Even those who say very psychopathic people are capable of change do not say they become loving, contributing, members of society.
The second extreme position is no good for families and victims because it does not help people protect themselves from very dangerous sociopaths/psychopaths.
Psychopathic children and teens are a danger to their siblings and parents. I wrote about the danger to siblings in another post. In my opinion, every individual parent has the right to decide for him or herself when to give up and say “I’ve done all I can.” If you have another child who has a great chance to be a contributing member of society and that child grows up disordered because all your energy went into the helping the psychopathic child…That is no good either.
In the post above I tried to give a balanced view and to say that we don’t know enough to say that all psychopathic children should be written off.
All of the books I have read on this topic by experienced clinicians say that parents do have to take breaks from these kids. Who can do this 24/7?
Whenever we are faced with an enormous task, it helps to break it down into bite sized chunks. That is why I developed the inner triangle concept. The problems children at risk to become adult sociopaths have, can be divided into 3 main areas-Ability to love, Impulse control and Moral reasoning. The task of parenting these kids is to work on all three a little every day. If a child becomes dangerous or so out of control that you can’t do the work, then hospitalization or more intensive treatment is necessary. No one should try to parent a psychopathic child without professional help.
I cannot argue with the parent who says, “I know my child and this is not changing.” That is a more valid statement than “My child is a psychopath and psychopathy is incurable.” I hope parents and readers can see the difference between those two lines of reasoning. The first refers to a specific case and the second tries to generalize from a group to the specific.
Thank you Dr. Leedom for replying. I appreciate the fact a professional does care enough to reply. It’s good to get many perspectives and I appreciate a professional who dialogues with lay people rather merely pontificating. I also appreciate your clear statement regarding the “treatability” of psychopaths and the reality adults must steer clear of them and remove them from ones life.
And it is interesting that some professionals see psychopathy as a different creature than say Schizophrenia. I know the difference between personality disorder and mental illness, know psychopathy used to be referred to as “moral insanity,” and remain a question.
In adults, I see it as strictly a personality disorder, a choice, willful sinfulness. In children, especially under age of reason (age 8 or so), I think they may act out anti socially,but aren’t psychopaths.
I’m absolutely one that believes people are born s/p or not. Some s/p’s are just amoral but it seems most are bullies who delight in dominance and manipulation (even apparently at a young age) and some are criminals. (I don’t think psychopathic serial killers are serial killers because they are psychopaths, but rather that they are skillful at it because of their s/p-ness.) Breaking norms or laws is a choice and thus they do deserve legal penalties for criminal acts, but their essence is not a choice, IMO. I believe we have to get away from the notion that individuals are born as a blank slate.
Let me add that, IMO, the huge societal problems with s/p’s are with “passing for normal” (but still utterly amoral, empathy-less, and manipulative) s/p’s. But that’s a different discussion.
Pathwhisperer,
I agree with you that genetics is the BASIS of every P, but I also know that SOMETIMES the LEVEL OF THEIR BEHAVIOR can be altered with environment and teaching. Sometimes NOT. I can’t say at “what age” it is “set in stone” but there appears (to me, my opinon only) some age at which they are carved in stone.
I know that with other mammals, there is a “bonding period” in age that if it is missed, there IS NO HOPE of them being able to appropriately bond.
With wolves, the “bonding” period is age 12 to 16 weeks. At that point they “bond” with their pack, whether it is a pack of real wolves or a family of humans.
With the Great White Pyrenees guardian dogs, the bonding period is 12 to 16 weeks of age, and if they are not bonded by close association with whatever it is that they are to guard, they can never be bonded to be guardians. However, with the dogs, if they are “bonded” to a herd of sheep, that bonding can with appropriate association be “transferred” to goats, or chickens or whatever, but if the INITIAL BONDING is not done with some form of living creature they will never bond with anything. It is an INBORN MECHANISIM that cannot be changed by environment if the RIGHT MOMENT in their maturation is missed.
Wolves will actually kill a pup that does not appropriately “bond” to the pack, so they actually “select out” the ones born without the appropriate instinctive bonding to reinforce this instinct genetically.
Unfortunately, humans are not able to “select out” by assisanation the “inapproprriately bonded” and about the best we can do is to incarcerate them SOMETIMES. LOL
Humans and other mammals have a “bonding hormone” oxytocin which is released by birth and sexual activity and nursing. A mother sheep and a mother goat also “bond” to the particular smells and the cry of their infants. I know that when I was nursing my babies if I heard ANY baby cry, I wold start to leak milk (in cattle this is called “letting down” the milk) Cows whose calves are removed at birth or after a day or two and then milked by hand or machine can be “fooled” and trained to let their milk down by other stimuli—that’s why we have “milk cows” and “beef cows” and it has taken generatons of this to where a cow that is bred for milk, such as the HOlsteins are not closely bonded to their calves as other breeds are and don’t seem to grieve if the calf is taken away after a day or two when the “real milk” comes in, instead of the syrupy colustrum which the calf needs for his/her immune system. My beef cattle will cry and scream and walk the fence for days if their calf is “missing” for whatever reason. A Holstein breed cow usually doesn’t even care, she just gets in the milk line like she doesn’t even realize she had a calf.
There are other things that can influence “bonding” between a mother and her infant, whatever the species. I have no doubt that it is also true with humans. Stress, illness, etc can all influence “bonding”—I have myself worked with young teenaged mothers who were not bonded to their infants and have actually successfully done “remedial bonding” with some of these young mothers, and seen with my own eyes the changes in the posture of the way they held and looked at these infants. There have also been many studies done on how women bond with their infants, and how some infants just seem to RESIST bonding even from birth. WHY? I’m not sure, but I am hopeful that eventually medical science will find out and there may be a potential “fix” for it.
In the meantime, we do the best we can with what we know. Sometimes we succeed and sometimes we fail. At least I am glad that medical science is starting to realize that there IS SOME GENETIC CONNECTION to the personality disorders. For so long babies were assumed to be totally blank slates as far as their personality was concerned. Why “they” thought that what held true in EVERY MAMMAL SPECIES was DIFFERENT in humans I don’t know, but apparently “they” did. But reality, the reality of genetics has taken some giant leaps forward in the last few years and I am hopeful that in another few years it will take some more giant leaps—maybe in treatment as well as causal things. For that I earnestly pray!
I remember reading in Dr. Robert Hare’s “Without Conscience” that he believes those genetically inclined to sociopathy are indeed influenced by parenting. But not the way many of you might think.
A person genetically inclined to sociopathy from birth might become a sadistic and prolific serial killer, with particularly bad parenting. A person genetically inclined to sociopathy might become a con artist or a serial philanderer, with particularly GOOD parenting. You’re not going to get anything near normal, even if you are the best, most loving, most patient, most caring individual who ever raised a child.
I’d love to put on my rose-colored glasses and my Pollyanna suit and go back to believing that with enough love and attention, even the worst-behaved child can be transformed into a person with a conscience. But I have learned the hard way that IT JUST AIN’T SO.
In console myself with this when I wonder why God put this child into my care, and why I and the rest of my family have suffered so much over the years. And I tell myself, that with a bad parent, things would be much, much worse. My child has not killed anyone yet, but it is always a possibility. To date, this child is “merely” a thief, con artist, forger, and armed robber. That’s what I know about, of course. There are most likely many things I don’t know.
This child is now an adult. Had I known what I was dealing with when this child was still yet a minor, I don’t know how I would have handled it. I didn’t fully grasp what I was dealing with until young adulthood.
TDP, do not blame yourself or allow others to try to blame you for “not loving enough.” I know exactly what you are going through, I truly do, and I understand that with these unfortunate souls, one can NEVER love them enough, because they cannot recognize or process love. They see only weakness or strength.
And I could not agree more with the poster who counsels you to never, never show fear. Do you best to survive. There comes a point when you realize that you must protect yourself and your other children FIRST.
tood: good to see you again. long time.
my ex-s/p/n’s mom was my dear friend and a very loving parent. all of her children loved her very much. she always told me that my ex was ‘wild’ since he was an infant. he used to sneak outside in the middle of the night when he was five, smoked cigs when he was 8, had sex when he was 11, etc. when i first met him, at 13, he was a truant, a street fighter, and sexually promiscuous. but he also had a loving, affectionate, adorable side that was magnetic as hell. so, i think a lot of the time he got away with everything. there was no way to discipline him. he just did whatever he wanted to. no one could stop him. it really is a miracle he’s never been arrested, but he could talk his way out of anything.
he is afraid of nothing, never has been. just plows on seeking and taking whatever it is he needs or wants.
he has left behind a wake of broken hearts (never thought it would be mine, but … surprise!) and half-cared for kids.
and he never looks back …
Dear Tood,
You and I both raised a Psychopathic son, and mine HAS killed and would kill again, I have no doubt if he were out of prison.
Mine didn’t really start to act out until adolescence either, but I have professionally worked with ones (in inpatient settings) that were MONSTERS by age 10 that the parents were not safe going to sleep at night with the child in the same house. They have tired to burn the house down on the heads of their parents and other serious behavior. I can hardly imagine how those parents must feel with a child that YOUNG being so dangerous.
I worked with one “child” age 12 who had raped several other children as young as 6 or 7 (both male and female) and had NO remorse for it. This 12 year old was over 200 pounds and over 6 ft tall and knew his own strength. He and 2 or three other kids managed to escape the locked psych ward they were on and he even attacked a cop until the cop put a pistol to his head.
A friend of mine had a P daughter that at age 11 was sexually active and out of control and she looked him in the eye and said “you let me go live with my P mother and do what I want or I will tell social services you molested me and you will go to jail.” He let her go, it was his only option, she was RIGHT and how could he have proven he didn’t?
He had gotten custody of her when she was 5, put her in counseling and did everything he could to help the child that could have been done. I used to baby sit for her a lot and for several years that I knew her (between age 5 and age 9) she was a “sweet” and obedient child, loving and bright. But she hit an early puberty and all hell broke loose.
I could give another 20 examples, but you get the idea. AFter my son killed his victim, I “fell apart” and locked myself in mhy house for 3 months and wouldn’t see anyone except my family. I cried 24/7, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, I was in such grief I can’t even begin to say how destraught I was. I know the pain caused by your children that you loved, cared for and nurtured to turn out to be something akin to Ted Bundy or Charlie Manson or “Bruno” or “Butch.”
Yes, LIG, they can pretend for a while to be “kind and caring” and “loving” but they are like POISON SNakes that ONLY BITE ONCE IN A WHILE. You never know when they will strike, or what will provoke them, and no matter how much you love them or pet them or stroke them, they will never grow fur and love you back like a puppy.
OK- I have to make a comment. My husband who is the most gentle, kind, empathetic man I know- killed animals as a child. Recalls doing it- went on to commit minor felonies as a young adult. Was a drug addict and alcoholic- that is NOT him. He has been on the straight, narrow and sober for over 16 years.
Graduated from an Ivy league school- his step-father was a psychopath- killed a family member. His saving grace I suspect were his grandparents who had him when he was young, so young he does not remember them.
He was acting out, confused and alone- once away from them he healed.
So it’s not just genetics, sometimes it’s the family. Sometimes these behaviors are not sociopathic at all- but a young child utterly lost.