Sociopaths love credit cards—especially when they are in someone else’s name. Lovefraud recently received an e-mail from a woman whose daughter is married to a sociopath. “How do they do it?” she asked. “How do they get you to put credit cards in your name that they will use?”
Our daughter has now procured a card, ugh, (only found out since the billing came here) and I know this is for HIS use and he will be the one using it, burying her in debt that she will never get out of and do you think for a minute HE will pay this debt?? Ha! He does NOT have credit cards (I often wonder why)? Refuses to get one, why? But it’s okay to use hers??
I can relate to this experience, because it happened to me. One of the hallmarks of this disorder is lack of responsibility. Sociopaths do not believe in paying bills, particularly bills that they’ve convinced someone else to incur.
There was a time when my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had his own American Express card, but Amex cancelled the card and sued him for not paying his bills at least three years before I met him. After that, Montgomery learned it was much better to sweet talk women into providing him with access to their credit than to try to get his own card. So, based on what Montgomery did to me and several other women, here are observations I can make:
1. Sociopaths specifically go after people with money and/or credit. The first step, of course, is to pick the right target. If sociopaths are looking for a sugar daddy or sugar momma, they first need to make sure sugar is available.
Now, this doesn’t mean the target must have millions in accessible cash, although I do know of one case in which that was a requirement. A sociopath will target someone who has:
- a job
- access to credit
- a home, which can be tapped for a home equity loan
- retirement savings
- family members with money
My ex-husband actually ran credit reports on women he met. If sociopaths have access to credit reports, they won’t be deterred by the mere fact that pulling a credit report without the subject’s permission is illegal.
2. Sociopaths initially create an impression of substance, success and financial responsibility. When I first met my ex, he did not tell me that he was flat broke. He talked about his business successes of the past—apparently with at least some truth—and his big plans for the future.
He exuded absolute confidence in his ability to make his dreams come true, and I believed him. I thought I was becoming involved with a “mover and shaker,” a captain of industry, a master of the universe. I didn’t know he was a con artist.
3. Sociopaths quickly create bonds of trust with the target. That’s where the word “con” comes from—the sociopaths are running a con game, or confidence game, establishing confidence in the target. This can be done several ways, depending on the nature of the relationship.
Sweetheart scams are probably the easiest. The sociopath love bombs the target, with flowery language, gifts and constant attention. When the target falls for it, he or she feels both love and trust—how could you not trust someone that you love? If the two people are intimate, chemical changes in the brain make the trust bond grow even stronger. (See last week’s article, Getting over that amazing ‘chemistry.’)
Sometimes sociopaths borrow trust through association. For example, they may join a religious community, and present themselves as a solid member of the group, or even a spiritual leader. Thousands of wannabes fraudulently claim to be military heroes, and trade off the high esteem with which most people hold those who serve in the military. My ex-husband claimed that he served 35 years in the military, which made him seem honorable. He never served a day.
4. Sociopaths promise to pay, and sometimes they actually do pay, at least in the beginning. My ex-husband invited me to go with him to Australia, and then asked me to put the charges on my credit card, assuring me that he’d pay off the charges as soon as the bills came in. Some con artists pay off initial small loans, or small credit card charges, to make the targets believe they are trustworthy.
Sociopaths do not hint that they won’t pay the expenses that they convince the target to incur. They continue making promises to pay as long as targets still have money or credit available to bleed.
If sociopaths perceive that there is nothing left to take, at that point they may quit the charade and say, “F*** you, the debts are in your name, you deal with them.” Of course, by that point, the sociopaths already have their next targets lined up.
5. Sociopaths create a crisis, and need action right away. They will claim that they must answer immediately, they have to act now or the opportunity will be lost, they’re up against a deadline. Sociopaths do not want their targets to have a chance to think about whether the request makes any sense.
6. Sociopaths use the targets’ own good natures against them. If targets are generous, sociopaths will use the pity play to prey on their generosity. If targets are responsible, the sociopaths will get them to clean up the messes that they create. If targets are skilled in business, the sociopaths will enlist them to join the entrepreneurial dream, be members of the team, until they are carrying the full financial burden.
Whatever qualities and vulnerabilities target have, the sociopaths find ways to exploit them.
7. Sociopaths badger the targets into giving them what they want. My ex-husband did not come out and ask me to give him a credit card until long after we were married. Even then, I resisted for months.
But he wore me down. He said he was an entrepreneur, entrepreneurs always have terrible credit, and if I helped him, I would be helping our success. He pointed out that he needed a credit card when he travelled—conveniently neglecting to mention that his trips included seeing other women.
He explained. He nudged. He pleaded. Eventually, I just caved and made him an authorized user on one of my credit cards. When the card arrived in the mail, Montgomery acted like he received a windfall of cash. It was maxed out within a few months.
8. Sociopaths dig the targets into such deep holes that the only possible escape is through the sociopaths. Before long, my once-pristine credit was shot. I was carrying more debt than I ever had in my life. My only hope was that Montgomery would succeed with his plans, as he continued to assure me he would.
So every time Montgomery told me that he “needed” something, or “had to” travel somewhere, I approved the charges, hoping desperately that it would be the final step that would start to turn everything around. But that never happened.
9. Sociopaths know the rules. One day, as I was ranting about the oppressive credit card balances, I yelled that my husband had occurred the debts, and he had to pay them. Montgomery shockingly informed me that, since we were married, his debts were my debts. He was right.
Montgomery was also well aware of the fact that since all the credit cards were in my name, and I gave him permission to use them, I was responsible for his charges. Even when the judge in my divorce determined that my ex-husband had defrauded me, and Montgomery was responsible for the debts, the credit card companies didn’t care. They came after me.
Gemini – “sexually transmitted debt”!!! Priceless!
True-to-self – About the hatred – please keep in mind that sociopaths are not all alike. Different people behave in different ways. So, while some may treat you with cold indifference, yes, it is possible for some to react with hatred – especially if you thwart what they believe they are entitled to.
WOW!!! This article is the proof my family needed. My nephew was in a 11 month realtionship which ended in his death September 2010. When they met he had 1 creidt card with a small balance. When he died we found 15 credit cards most of them maxed out and no payments made on them for about 4 months. When we went to clean out his condo we found months of unopened bills on top of China cabinets, and in bags in the closet. Rejection letters from jewerly stores and more places she tried to appy for credit. His 401K money was gone. Cash advances on his cards. He must have thougth she was paying the them or he had no idea there was that many. This was not his nature to be in debt. He had purchased her a cell phone on a contract in his name because she said she was being harrassed by her ex husband. They bougth all new furniture 5 months before his death, she said it was hers and in her name and she was paying for it…we called furniture store it was in my nephews name and not one payment ever was made. They were trying to contact him so they could come pick it all back up for non payment, she was trying to get it all moved out before then, but we were able to get the store to pick it up before she was able to have it moved. We confornted her and she lied to our face and never would admit the truth. She was so quick with the lies. She demanded us out of the condo. This woman (33) told us she was in a abusive realtionship and was in the middle of a divorce. She had lost her house and her credit was awful of course she said it was her husbands fault. He was in a wheelchair from a car accident. She said her divorce was final in November 2009. Truth is there was never a divorce. She was still married to her wheelchair bond husband. She moved into my nephews home after the 2nd date, he felt sorry for her she said she had no where to go. That was in October by Febuary 2010 she made my nephew annouce at lunch they were engaged. He did not want to make the annoucement that day becasue we just had left the nursing home visiting his grandmother that was very ill. She passed away the next day. It seemed like this woman always had to be the center of attention even in the mist of someone elses pain or happiness. She claimed every month she was pregnant and never was….she calimed to have ovarian cancer she called my nephew while he was in the hospital with kidney stones and told him the doctor called and she had cancer. He was so upset. His grandmother died of the same cancer and he knew it eas usually terminal. Evil woman that played mind games. She never would tell us what they were going to do about her cancer she finally todl us a few weeks later the docotr made a mistake she really did not have ovarian cancer. My nephew died September 6, 2010 at the age of 35. The one thing he wanted was to love someone and to be loved and have a family of his own one day. That will never happen now. My sister will never have a granchild. And now they are faced with cleaning up the mess this evil woman left behind. She was hooked on pain medication and was always at the emergancy room to get more. She got him to taking them too, a family member confronted her if he was taking pain pills she said Yes he had a better personality when he took them. He was a quite laid back man that wrote poetry and even had a few published. She kept him from doing that once they meet.
One month after my nephews death she went back to her husband…the one that abused her the one that was suppose to divorvced from. All lies. Me and my family could not understand how she could do the things she done and not feel any pain or remorse. Well I kept searching on the intrenet and I came across this site. And BAM there she is ….she has the signs os being a sociopath now we can sorta understand her crazy mind. Thank you for letting me vent.
Let’s see here. I meet my xspath 9 years ago and during that 9 years this is what happended: When I met him I was living comfortably with my 2 kids in a 2 bedroom apartment. Within in a few months he convinced me into moving into a bigger apartment (nicer apartment). We lived there for about, let me see, no more than a year 1/2. During that time he convinced me to marry him (which me pushed and pushed to do it quickly) and to build a house, using my credit of course. It wasn’t like he had any credit. He could barely keep a job. Once we moved into the house, this is when I started catching on to some of his “sociopathic” behaviors. I knew nothing about sociopaths but I could tell he was a different breed. This is when I bagan laying more reponsibilities on him like finding a job and sticking to it. When we first met he told me he had his own magazine at one time however it feel apart due to his partner backing out. He even showed me a copy of the first copy that was “sopposed” to be published, but it never happended. I remember when he told me about the magazine, I thought how cool that it was and that he was just going through a hard time trying to get back on his feet (part of the plan).
So now we’re in the house, bigger, nicer than the apartment. We were married, and started applying for more credit cards. Four months into this, he leaves. I remember his excuse was that I didn’t show him enough affection and he shouldn’t have to beg his wife, for love & affection. What he really meant was, I didn’t stop and give him sex everytime he asks for it, which was all the time, and if I didn’t feel like having sex, a blowjob would take care of it.
He was gone roughly about 2-3 months. The entire time he was gone he harrassed me by phone calls, and texting. A part of me was releaved when he wasn’t present, since I didn’t have to live with the constant badgering of getting his needs meet. When he returned, I need to be honest and say I probably gave in due to him telling me that I would never find anyone like him. Someone that loves me like he does, that I will end up regretting it for the rest of my life. His manipulating games had begun to sink into my soul and I was beginning to believe everything he told me. This would be the beginning of him coming in, and out of my life, and my kids lives several more times.
So he returns, he convinces me to have a baby. I didn’t want a baby but he convinced me “again”, it would be good for us. We had a baby girl. Obviously having another child in the home meant more space was needed so, it would only make sense that we build yet another, bigger, nicer home. This home was way, way over my budget, however he convinced a local builder to buy on contract, with of course using my credit. So we moved out of the smaller home, and moved into the bigger home within a few months. During this time more credit card applications came in the mail. Apparently he thought it was okay to apply for these cards while I was sleeping at night. When I would recieve the cards in the mail I would ask him about it knowing it was all wrong and his response would be, I did it in order to have a backup plan if needed. I did fail to mention that my spath did begin working at a local car dealer about 7 months prior, and he was making decent money however I cannot begin to tell you how many times he walked out of the dealership threatening to quick because he wasn’t receiving the treatment he deserved.
He leaves again when our daughter was about 21 months. Right before he left he told me we should look into buying a rental property. It would be a good source of income. I did it like a freak’n idiot. Oh yeah, I had also put him on my cell phone plan. He couldn’t get service on his own. So now I’m left with the “bigger, nicer” home, a rental property, thousands of dollars in credit card debt, a cell phone bill which was like $600.00, and or course, a baby!
I couldn’t afford the house so I had to move into the rental property but couldn’t right away due to the renters my spath had put in the house, wouldn’t get out, not to mention they hadn’t paid rent for like 4 months. Well that may not be completely true. Apparently they gave my spath 3 months rent in advance, however I didn’t see any of it. Once I got into the house, I was severly behind and had no flipp’n clue what I was going to do.
Here is where it gets even creepier. Me and my kids have been living in the rental property since January “09” yet to get back on track financially. I have allowed my spath to come back 2 more times, with each time him leaving he would get into realationships with women, that I knew of course. He actually had one of the individuals names tatooed on his leg, while still married to me. I found out that one of the times he came back home to me that he screwed “the tatooed chick out of some money. I was like, oh really!!
Each time I allowed my spath to return home I cut myself more and more at the knees. It took me forever to realize that each time he returned it was due to not having any money, or not living the lifestyle her perferred. He knew that I lived a certain way, no matter my financial issues.
Looking back on all of this is such a horrid reminder of how much I didn’t feel I deserved anything. I thought each time he returned he was truly sorry, and wanted to make things right. I knew something wasn’t right to act the way he did. It just wasn’t normal. Little did I know I had so much to learn, and will continut to learn. How could I relate to this bahavior? I couldn’t! It wasn’t possible.
It has now been about 6 months since he left last. I do feel stronger than I ever have only because I took the advice of great friends, and started going to therapy. I also need to say these very friends had plenty a reason of giving up on me, but didn’t. They caught on to my xspath’s bs way before I did. I just refused to except it, or believe it, which cause so much more pain and grief.
Altough I continue to work on my healing and I do not obsess on him as much as I used to, I know I have much further to go. The one little piece of information which seems to really help me on a daily basis is knowing & believing this…Nothing is wrong with me, and I CANNOT CHANGE HIM. He is who he is and he will continue to be who he is, period!
Thank you, Donna, for this article. It also describes to the “T” what happened to me. I had never been late on a bill in my life, bounced a check, & had an excellent credit history. The spathhole completely destroyed all that. I worked 3 jobs after the divorce to pay off my half of the debt incurred, as spelled out in my divorce settlement. To this day, he has not paid anything, & guess who gets all the collection agency calls? I don’t know if I’ll ever recover my credit standing.
I had a spath that conned me and multiple investors to finance a film production in Palmdale CA (50 miles north of L.A.) in the late 90’s. I was shocked by the number of individuals he could con with his dog and pony show. Me and these people used cash advances on credit cards to “finance” this film he claimed he was producing (and also directing!). Then he’d use this money for his personal living expenses. If you are wondering how he could actually finance a movie for a few hundred thousand dollars the answer is: digital. At the time Hollywood was poo-pooing digital technology. Instead of having expensive film costs the digital equipment was a fraction of that cost. He also borrowed Sony cameras being introduced at that time- that lowered the budget to practically zip. The investors weren’t allowed to visit the set without permission- just in case someone was savvy enough to realize the shell game. Whoa, I was stupid enough give this guy cash advances on credit cards (and they were all in amounts of 1,000. or 1,200.)! But I never received a return on my investment- as did any of the other investors, but accumulated 20K in debts. That was nearly 20 years ago and I still have never fully recovered from that situation.
And they really love credit cards”My ex had five of them, and after he messed up big time with almost 25k accumulated in debts wanted me to help him pay. By that time my eyes were already wide open about his conning moves and I refused to help him. He had to declare bankruptcy. I don’t think he learned his lesson, he will do it again”They like to live beyond their means.
My ex-sp bf had credit cards and was trying to pay them off. He just got out of prison (theft/swindle) for 7 years. He talked his ex-mother in law to purchase a foreclosure that he worked on and has it looking really charming. He’s paying her for the house.
He blew his paycheck on blackjack table and asked me to cover for him. I did. He had a way to make me feel sorry for him. He didn’t want the ex mother in law to find out about that “mistake” he made.
After hernia surgery 3 weeks later he missed some days of work. He asked me for $1700 so he wouldn’t lose everything he worked for. At that time I said, “what if I said no?” And he acted surprised and said he didn’t see THAT coming. I did again.
We would check out at a lumber yard (getting things for his home improvements) and he would say, “honey, you got your credit card?” That time I was mad….he wrote me a check and tossed it at me while I was sitting on the sofa. I didn’t take the check (stupid, stupid, stupid!)
He always wanted to be doing things…going out to eat, we took little road trips. He always wanted to be making his house better. Often he would look at things in a store and just look down and stare at the floor. I wondered if it was some strange way to make me feel sorry for him and cover for it. He paid most times we went out to eat.
I had my house up for sale and we found this home on the lake that was in short sale. I was going to buy it. He was going to sell his house and we were going to live together. He told me he was worried about that because what if I decided I didn’t want him anymore and there he was with nothing again. Well, thank the Lord that the house fell through and that’s when I started to think things weren’t right and got lots of anxiety.
He had dreams of opening and running a business. He drove me to a place that was shut down that he wanted to buy, fix and run. He told me “honey I know I can make it work and be very successful.” And he also told me, “you should buy me a business honey. I won’t let us lose. I’ll never let anything happen to you – relax, don’t worry!”
The last email I sent him yesterday I said no more emails. Send me what you owe me. He sent one again this morning and said he will send a cashiers check when he has the money. Last week he told me he had a “chunk” of it…so I said send me the chunck. Then he told me he actually put that money into a contract for deed for the house so they don’t try to pull it out from under him. Surprisingly, he doesn’t have the money.
He sent an email this morning but I didn’t open it. I can’t read anymore from him- can’t let him get more into my head than he’s already done. I’m suffering from letting go of what I “thought” it was, but I am determined to get past this whole nightmare and thank God that I didn’t let it go any further.
STAY STRONG EVERYONE!
Thanks Donna. This is soooooooooo true. I’m a widow. Thought I had my head screwed on but not where he was concerned. He ran up debt, got to have this NOW. Gotta have car insurance, clothes for work, clothes for going out, new phone, SKY (I rarely watch tv) car repairs ”“ you name it he had to have it. And like a fool I footed the bill, he was always going to pay me back ”“ but it never materialised. When he left he paid his hotel bill and drew out money on MY card. I trusted him and he betrayed that trust. What a W@nker.
He’s been insuring cars in my address details since he left. I am living hand to mouth and all because of him. I was comfortably off before I met him ”“ no debt. What a TOSS&R.
ps he couldn’t get credit cos he had debts. What a plonka I’ve been.
Spoke to his ex, he conned £100k out of her and she’s still paying off debts.
To: True-to-Self; I have a very strong gut feeling we have encountered the same sociopath.I was involved with a sociopath from 2003 to 2009, he definitely dropped the love bomb. I had excellant credit and never lived out of my means. He destroyed my credit, my good name, and left when I would not allow him to borrow on my home equity. I was suddenly forgotten after ardent pledges of undying love.
When I read your comment to the article Sociopaths and Credit Cards I feel certain you and I were taken by the same sociopath.
I was also “stiffed” for expensive concert tickets; he decided he did not want to attend the concert at the last minute.
My sociopath also wanted to travel the country in an RV, of course purchased with the equity in my home. My sociopath also wanted a cell phone plan in my name only. And, my sociopath also placed his purchases on my credit card and paid for them early in the relationship, but eventually promised payment and never delivered (pretended hardships). He is employed with a very large nationally known mortgage lender, and HE HAS EASY ACCESS TO ANYONE’S CREDIT REPORTS. In hindsight, I am certain this is exactly why I was targeted. I have a very strong gut feeling we have encountered the same sociopath.