Sociopaths love credit cards—especially when they are in someone else’s name. Lovefraud recently received an e-mail from a woman whose daughter is married to a sociopath. “How do they do it?” she asked. “How do they get you to put credit cards in your name that they will use?”
Our daughter has now procured a card, ugh, (only found out since the billing came here) and I know this is for HIS use and he will be the one using it, burying her in debt that she will never get out of and do you think for a minute HE will pay this debt?? Ha! He does NOT have credit cards (I often wonder why)? Refuses to get one, why? But it’s okay to use hers??
I can relate to this experience, because it happened to me. One of the hallmarks of this disorder is lack of responsibility. Sociopaths do not believe in paying bills, particularly bills that they’ve convinced someone else to incur.
There was a time when my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had his own American Express card, but Amex cancelled the card and sued him for not paying his bills at least three years before I met him. After that, Montgomery learned it was much better to sweet talk women into providing him with access to their credit than to try to get his own card. So, based on what Montgomery did to me and several other women, here are observations I can make:
1. Sociopaths specifically go after people with money and/or credit. The first step, of course, is to pick the right target. If sociopaths are looking for a sugar daddy or sugar momma, they first need to make sure sugar is available.
Now, this doesn’t mean the target must have millions in accessible cash, although I do know of one case in which that was a requirement. A sociopath will target someone who has:
- a job
- access to credit
- a home, which can be tapped for a home equity loan
- retirement savings
- family members with money
My ex-husband actually ran credit reports on women he met. If sociopaths have access to credit reports, they won’t be deterred by the mere fact that pulling a credit report without the subject’s permission is illegal.
2. Sociopaths initially create an impression of substance, success and financial responsibility. When I first met my ex, he did not tell me that he was flat broke. He talked about his business successes of the past—apparently with at least some truth—and his big plans for the future.
He exuded absolute confidence in his ability to make his dreams come true, and I believed him. I thought I was becoming involved with a “mover and shaker,” a captain of industry, a master of the universe. I didn’t know he was a con artist.
3. Sociopaths quickly create bonds of trust with the target. That’s where the word “con” comes from—the sociopaths are running a con game, or confidence game, establishing confidence in the target. This can be done several ways, depending on the nature of the relationship.
Sweetheart scams are probably the easiest. The sociopath love bombs the target, with flowery language, gifts and constant attention. When the target falls for it, he or she feels both love and trust—how could you not trust someone that you love? If the two people are intimate, chemical changes in the brain make the trust bond grow even stronger. (See last week’s article, Getting over that amazing ‘chemistry.’)
Sometimes sociopaths borrow trust through association. For example, they may join a religious community, and present themselves as a solid member of the group, or even a spiritual leader. Thousands of wannabes fraudulently claim to be military heroes, and trade off the high esteem with which most people hold those who serve in the military. My ex-husband claimed that he served 35 years in the military, which made him seem honorable. He never served a day.
4. Sociopaths promise to pay, and sometimes they actually do pay, at least in the beginning. My ex-husband invited me to go with him to Australia, and then asked me to put the charges on my credit card, assuring me that he’d pay off the charges as soon as the bills came in. Some con artists pay off initial small loans, or small credit card charges, to make the targets believe they are trustworthy.
Sociopaths do not hint that they won’t pay the expenses that they convince the target to incur. They continue making promises to pay as long as targets still have money or credit available to bleed.
If sociopaths perceive that there is nothing left to take, at that point they may quit the charade and say, “F*** you, the debts are in your name, you deal with them.” Of course, by that point, the sociopaths already have their next targets lined up.
5. Sociopaths create a crisis, and need action right away. They will claim that they must answer immediately, they have to act now or the opportunity will be lost, they’re up against a deadline. Sociopaths do not want their targets to have a chance to think about whether the request makes any sense.
6. Sociopaths use the targets’ own good natures against them. If targets are generous, sociopaths will use the pity play to prey on their generosity. If targets are responsible, the sociopaths will get them to clean up the messes that they create. If targets are skilled in business, the sociopaths will enlist them to join the entrepreneurial dream, be members of the team, until they are carrying the full financial burden.
Whatever qualities and vulnerabilities target have, the sociopaths find ways to exploit them.
7. Sociopaths badger the targets into giving them what they want. My ex-husband did not come out and ask me to give him a credit card until long after we were married. Even then, I resisted for months.
But he wore me down. He said he was an entrepreneur, entrepreneurs always have terrible credit, and if I helped him, I would be helping our success. He pointed out that he needed a credit card when he travelled—conveniently neglecting to mention that his trips included seeing other women.
He explained. He nudged. He pleaded. Eventually, I just caved and made him an authorized user on one of my credit cards. When the card arrived in the mail, Montgomery acted like he received a windfall of cash. It was maxed out within a few months.
8. Sociopaths dig the targets into such deep holes that the only possible escape is through the sociopaths. Before long, my once-pristine credit was shot. I was carrying more debt than I ever had in my life. My only hope was that Montgomery would succeed with his plans, as he continued to assure me he would.
So every time Montgomery told me that he “needed” something, or “had to” travel somewhere, I approved the charges, hoping desperately that it would be the final step that would start to turn everything around. But that never happened.
9. Sociopaths know the rules. One day, as I was ranting about the oppressive credit card balances, I yelled that my husband had occurred the debts, and he had to pay them. Montgomery shockingly informed me that, since we were married, his debts were my debts. He was right.
Montgomery was also well aware of the fact that since all the credit cards were in my name, and I gave him permission to use them, I was responsible for his charges. Even when the judge in my divorce determined that my ex-husband had defrauded me, and Montgomery was responsible for the debts, the credit card companies didn’t care. They came after me.
Wow, I saw this and just had to tell. Before I married the fool, he was living with me. He had taken my credit cards with the high limits, had another woman call the credit card companies and convinced them to add him on as an additional user. At this time I had no balances so I never looked for a bill. I worked nights, slept during the day, so he was always the one to get the mail. Not only was he using the credit cards, then would pay the minimum to keep me from finding out, but he accessed the checks sent in the statements. He went and purchased a truck in both of our names, they never questioned the $10,000.00 check, maybe because the vehicle was going into my name also? But, he did have them put “or” between the names instead of “and”. When he received the title, we went and had it changed into his name only then the title sent to an out of state address. I actually still have the bill of sale from four years ago and a copy of the changed title. I found all of the evidence hidden in the truck I didn’t have a key to once I was finally able to have him arrested and he was able to run up a $36,000 tab in my name. But of course, he finds ways to get out of everything, he does little odd jobs as an informant, and has multiple SSN’s and names. And of course, I still have the collection agencies calling at all hours for the money HE owes and I will NEVER pay a penny toward.
IMconfused –
I am with Skylar on this one – you need to get out immediately.
Go get some advice from a lawyer – maybe they could meet you discreetly somewhere – like at a woman’s shelter ? Shelters for abused women often have access to services you are going to need – financial advice, accomodation, cheap or free movers, etc.
If you can’t change the locks while he’s out and have him barred from the house, then you need to go yourself.
I once left a man in total secrecy and – having no funds of my own at the time – took advantage of the fact that I was only the additonal card holder on his credit card to execute my escape plan. (I am not any kind of thief – it was arguable that he owed me way more than I left him to pay for).
I gave no hint that anything was up. I had planned everything from my workplace telephone, so he had no idea about any calls I had made (you could use a public pay-phone or a library computer). A new place was organised, and movers were booked. I had carefully packed away stuff that was not easily missed in the days leading up to the move, saying I was “de-cluttering”. (You could also pack stuff up and say that you want to paint the room and you don’t want anything to get splashed with the paint…any diversion will do) I waved him goodbye for work. When he got home that night, the movers had already been and me and my cats and my stuff were gone. I only took from the credit card (cash advance) what I needed to pay the movers, pay bond and rent on a new place and pay new service connection fees (electricity and so on). It can be done and I think you need to do it. Take whatever you can access. But have a slick and well-rehearsed plan that will run like clockwork – the trick is to be fast and organised.
Leave your car in a shopping centre carpark and take a cab to a lawyers’ office if you have to sneak around. I know you are scared but there are ways this can be done – you just need to find them. Act normal at all times so that he does not suspect you.
If the courts try to stick you with responsibility for his debt later down the track, then they should equally grant you access to your joint assets in a court settlement, regardless of whose name they are now in. Be brave and bold and turn the tables on this bastard.
Matt – where are you????????? We need your legal advice!
Matt the lawyer – calling Matt the lawyer?????? Do you read me, over….
I was almost a victim myself but listened to my inner voice.
My ex-spath and I were engaged and looking for a house. We both had houses – mine was in my name only and his was still in co-ownership with his ex-wife (he lived illegally in the attic – but that is another story). He had this crazy divorce decree (which I found out later who’s idea it was – his) that since the house was a multifamily and being rented out and he was living illegally in the attic (like a hermit) the house would not be sold for 3 years after the divorce UNLESS one of them decided to sell – either to the other or just up for sale totally. He and I went to an open house and fell in love with this property – 2 acres, a stream in the back, trees, wild turkeys roaming and a great house built in the 1700’s with a separate garage/studio on the side. LOVED IT!! He was very interested in the place (so was I) and I was ready to sell my place and he said since we were engaged the place should go into both our names – I said what about your place – you have to go to Lorraine and tell her you want to sell. He said he would. But I had this feeling and the look on his face – I was being lied to. I knew he had no **** to go to her – she makes all the decisions. I figured to myself – he gets his name on this house ($350K) for NO money down, who knows when his house would be sold (note: this was 4 years ago – it’s still not sold) and I would be footing the bills since I would need to take a home equity line of credit out on my home, in addition to paying the current mortgage until it sold and paying the new mortgage. He said he could give me $400 a month (yeah, right). A little voice inside grew strong and my stomach was turning – even though I wanted the house and the realtor called me about it to make a deal at $325K – I backed out. The spath was pissed. But you know, it was that same inside voice that told me there was something wrong about him and it was right…… At least I listened this time.
IMConfused,
What kept me in my marriage as long as it did was my age. When he left me I was 60 years old. That was three years ago. I now have alimony and the house. Because I didn’t work enough to earn my own social security points the mediator told me that I did not need to go out at my age and get a career.
I had worked as a Teacher Assistant off and on, having raised a daughter with autism by a previous marriage. I thought I was trapped. I was mentally thinking of ways to get out about 4 years before that. I figured if we sold our house that we could split the proceeds and each buy a condol I had thought of going to volunteer at my daughter’s group home, living there while I worked things out. In my case my husband didn’t control all of the finances. He made the money but I wrote the checks. I didn’t think we could afford a divorce either.
With the help of my mother I got a good lawyer…….BUT I charged the lawyer on a credit card at his suggestion. My mother later helped me pay off the card.
One of my jobs was a teacher at a YWCA shelter school. You need to get out. You like art. You can do art anywhere, but the chances of you making an income at it while living under the stress you do are not good. If you sold a painting, HE would take the money.
Get out of there. Find an attorney who will help you unravel the mess. My attorney had a free phone interview and then a free in the office interview. He is the one who said I had an alimony court case. Even now, my best girlfriend knows I was abused by my husband verbally and emotionally, and yet when I said I now believe that maybe he was a sociopath, she said “But he seemed so nice.”
That is the problem the spaths seem nice to everyone else. They abuse when no one is looking. Your husband seems like a smart con artist who needs to have his Butt nailed to the wall.
Do it! It is not going to get any better.
True-to-Self
I.M. Confused,
By the way, he was/is younger than me so he has years left to work. He is in his 50’s. If an when he ever defaults on the alimony I at least have the house as an asset.
If I can do it you can. Getting my mother’s help was also like walking a tightrope as she is also a control freak. I could have traded one prison for another. She wanted to be on the deed to my house. I saw that she wasn’t.
You need to do this. You can. You are stronger than you think Don’t let him win. It is your life.
TTS
Donna,
I wanted to thank you for posting the piece by th 27 year old sociopath. I don’t know if the comments were closed from day 1 or not, but that was a really great way to handle giving the information to lf readers/ posters, protecting everyone concerned, and not feeding attention to the writer. I really appreciate how you handled this all round.
I consider myself lucky to have got away with only couple of minor attacks on my personal credit however, how handy a street address can be to someone intent on fraud and who knows what they are doing. It is simple to transfer a driving license to your address. Your permission is not required. In fact you are NOT permitted by “privacy” laws to find out who has a driving license registered at your address. Combine this with a Foxtel account (beware the Foxtel account) and a phone account, and a person is getting close to having enough ID to set up a bank account at your address and put in a store or credit card application.
My experience was my “friend” appeared to have actually cut the wires at a property in order to force the telco company to upgrade the connection to take Foxtel. He blamed this on the previous tenants and since the deluge of wrongly addressed mail AKA “mail in false names” was yet to arrive, I thought little of this at the time. I had not had a land line at that address since the tenants moved out so I did not know what state it was in.
The issue of abuse of street address needs to be dealt with in Australia. Someone can change their license address and then change their address with major government departments as they please. Just because someone is physically gone does not mean they are not still using your address. If you are worried then have all your mail redirected for a time to see what is coming to your address.
Loving nuturing personalities need to get smart about these issues. Stop thinking like a victim and fight back. I prefer to think these people can change, however I think partly they don’t because its so easy to go on cheating and defrauding. Its kind of a game like hacking computers, except it’s hacking compassionate souls not machines. They think about partners as money machines, like poker machines, they keep trying things untill they get a little pay out then they try for more. Glad to see people here getting together to compare stories
DeniseG:
Welcome to LF, thank you for posting!
One of the issues you mention about address’s is something I’ve been screaming about with the DMV for several years.
Your right…..THEY don’t govern address’s.
The ex spath is using my rental/now my primary residence as his address.
Nothing I can do about it.
He’s not been a resident there is 3 plus years.
We have a cluster box (a community mailbox with individual lock box’s there), but the post office doesn’t govern ‘who’ has an address there with a box. So my address could have 10 box’s getting mail under different names.
The only thing i’ve been able to do is……counter control him on this issue…… 🙂 when I read his felony drug court case and found his attorney’s argument as…..since he wasn’t a resident of xx state, he is not legally entitled to know that states driving laws, hence he was illegally pulled over (the claim) becasue he had no way of knowing that xx’s states driving laws. I informed them that THIS states law on that issue is the same, and since he’s illegally holding a drivers licence in THIS state……with the same laws as xx state (on this issue)……he is binded by the SAME DRIVING LAWS and still violated the statute! Use THAT!
I also provided a copy of THIS states statute for good measure. DA was grateful. 🙂
Kaboom!
I like your tenacity……thanks for the info and awareness!
If you get a PO box, all adults who get mail there have to show picture ID and any mail to people not listed on the box is returned.
I’m not sure of the rules on lock boxes. But, it may also be true you could forward unwanted mail to General Delivery and have the post office hold it for pick up – they do return it after a while….
It may be worth checking with your postmaster about getting mail you don’t want. There are some pretty interesting mechanics in the postal system….
BTW, drivers license info is considered public. So when you get one it is picked up and reported to databases for tracking people down.
It is helpful to delete yourself from th Google names database, but you have to write to request deletion from the others. And anytime you get a new license, you have to write again.
Its very hard to be invisible because of this.