By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships.
First of all I want to thank everyone who commented on the posts that I’ve written over the last couple of years. Recently I did a post on How to speed date a sociopath. Whilst I make every effort to move on with my life after the psychopath, occasionally something will come up that causes me to think “Why do they do that?”
So the topic of this post is whether or not any of you have experienced the following:
In my book Dark Souls, I wrote about an occasion where my ex moved my cash card. A week later I found it hidden behind a bottle of sauce on the top of a very tall cupboard in the kitchen. At the time it went missing, I asked my ex if he may have picked it up by mistake, because he used the same. He commented that I was forgetful, and asked me whether I’d left it in the freezer.
This was a very strange comment. Later, I found a book written by a psychopath about how to manipulate people, putting the victim off guard so they question their own sanity. One of the suggestion was to ask victims if they left something that went missing in a freezer!
Being a complete idiot at the time, I looked in there, just to check I wasn’t losing the plot or going mad.
More items not returned
I also lent my ex some books and a heart-shaped crystal. At the time he was leaving his wife. He promised to keep it safe. When I asked for it to be returned, I got the excuse that he had let his children play with it, and one of his small children managed to drop it out of a two-story building and broke it. The story was preposterous—why would he let his kids play with something he didn’t want his wife to see?
I was also in a relationship with a man call Dan. I was doing acupuncture, and he as asked me if he could borrow my acupuncture books and also a book on Taoism. He also borrowed a cassette of a local radio interview I’d done when I was 19 about backpacking in India. When the relationship ended, I asked Dan to send me back the books and the interview cassette. He still has them to this day, and refused to give a reason for keeping them. Looking back, I think it was his way of keeping a little trophy of me.
Happening again
I was prompted to write this is because straight after I ended the speed date, I noticed something strange. Every day I wear a necklace, which I made myself out of resin and crystals. You could call it my “security blanket,” because I always feel happy when I am wearing it. When I bathe or shower I take it off and leave it in the bathroom as the string is made of leather. Lurch commented on the jewelry I make as he saw the resin and paraphernalia on the worktops in my kitchen.
A day or so after getting my head of the washing machine with all the mind games he played, I suddenly realised I wasn’t wearing the necklace. I searched the flat everywhere but couldn’t find it. I soon realised that a photograph of me was missing as well. It was an old photograph of me when I was about 16, dressed in fancy dress and looking reasonably young, fit and attractive. My son had seen it a few days before and commented on how young I looked. The photograph had been next to the computer, but was gone.
I like to think of myself as a rational person and don’t jump to conclusions before pointing the finger. In fact, I searched multiple times only to find nothing. Whilst I cannot prove that anyone took it, these were not items of value like money. But they had a lot of sentimental value, much like the cassette and the specialist acupuncture books, which, incidentally are irreplaceable.
Trophies
I’ve read before that the psychopath likes to closet their victims, and I’ve heard stories about serial killers keeping “bits” of them as trophies. Whilst we expect the sociopath to steal our hearts, money and valuable possessions, the difference is that all these items are irreplaceable. Which begs the question that they will intentionally go out of their way to take such things, because they know how upset we will be.
I am still searching for these items, just in case I haven’t lost my marbles. Whilst it’s easy to let them go because they have no real value, the whole experience points to the potentially sick and twisted nature of their personalities and has “creeped” me out. Even with such a good understanding of psychopaths/ sociopaths, it’s still beyond all my capacity to understand what motivates someone to do something like this.
It’s for this reason that I shared this experience. I wonder if anyone else had experience the same kind of “creepy” behaviour.
Dippity Dupey ~! I was gettin worried about you…
Dear Grandmother,
Thank you for your good wishes and prayers, I will keep everyone up on what happens. The “hearing” (it really is just one member of a 3 member board reads through the paper work presented by the two attorneys) can be somewhere between August and December 2013. He can get released (usually takes about 6 months) or given a “set off” of from 1 to 5 years meaning the time before he can come back and petition for parole again. The first time he got 4 years, second time 3 years (even with all the evidence we had) so as he approaches the 20+ year term of the “usual” time for a “life” sentence for murder, he killed her Jan 1992, they get closer and closer to releasing him so I have to fight harder to keep him in. I hope this time I have enough letters with clout to make them think if they DO let him out and he kills me that they will have POLITICAL EGG ON THEIR FACES…they are, after all, political appointees.
I’ve done all I can at this point and it is up to God from here on and I have to be willing to accept whatever happens. But I believe in prayer so I would appreciate any you can send my way. I pray that your grandchildren will come to understand how much you love them. Hang in there. (((hugs)))
Please know how warmly I’ve felt your virtual hugs over the wires and how they’ve saved me so many tears! Like Louise, I resent having to spend money solving problems I didn’t make and can count up hundreds of thousands of them over the years. I’m unable to confide in my daughters, who are 23 and 28, because this seems to fall in the realm of “talking down about Dad.”
At the same time, since their father told me outright he “didn’t feel the same about you and the kids” (later I confirmed he no longer felt the same about the daughters — it wasn’t just me he was emotionally abandoning or acknowledging he wasn’t bonded with) I’ve been afraid for their having the same No, It Can’t Be! experience … and frankly, I’ve been afraid for older daughter’s life. Her younger sister is married, she has been searching, since the loss of a HS romance (he recently married somebody else).
These waves of anguish — it’s as though they’ve spilled into every part of my life — like oil on a clean floor, I can never get it up again or remember what should have been before it started.
It’s not as though I didn’t see “glimpses” of it over the years. But the whole show didn’t manifest until his father died and he inherited some money. After thirty years’ marriage — he got rich enough to reveal his ugly true colors. He told me he “didn’t have anything to give (me) but money,” then it turned out he didn’t want me to have any money either. Thirty years of my life is to be refunded and even the most liberal K-Mart clerk would have to take account for the 30 years the product was used first, right?
I’ve become more conservative about sex due in part to the fact that my unfaithful spath husband could well have killed me with HIV (I’m post-menopausal and gave up condoms in my marriage several years ago). Mom, who would be 92 now, told us kids never to agree to marry a man without having sex with him a reasonable number of times. After all, she pointed out, what if you discovered that he wanted to wear your underwear, called you Mommy at the crucial moment, or was built like Sonny Corleone from The Godfather? Religious (and health) concerns aside, though, Louise is right that women do bond to men when we sleep with them — and any chance of detecting what we’re getting into emotionally, is at that point extinguished.
At the same time, it doesn’t really matter in terms of our actual experiences with these sadistic people, because they don’t do terrifying stuff at first. They do it at last. Only in reverse does it seem clear what the agenda was at the onset, and a spath will do whatever it takes to get there.
Southern girl, as I read your original posting I couldnt help but think you were talking about my X Narcissistic Psychopath. Works out, takes pics of his chest to send via phone, has albums of pics with mainly girls from college many of which he has dated, I found letters and cards from old girlfriends along with inappropriate pics that he kept along with an old black book of phone numbers and contacted his ex girlfriend from out of state to learn he raped and confined her before fleeing the state, I also found paperwork in his desk that he was sued for sexual harassment and the plaintiff won $40,000-why keep these? …as a trophy. He utilizes Church as a front, claims to be a family man while nothing could be farther from the truth, has harmed others both verbally and physically and shows not empathy or remorse for his actions, accepts no responsibility whatsoever no matter what the circumstance, claimed to be a profitable business owner while his restaurant was barely afloat, told lies about me scamming him for money while I was the bread winner, nothing I ever did for him was ever good enough or was ever going to be, he was always charming and pretented to dote on the children while in public but behind closed doors a jeckyl N hyde always calling me “crazy”. Be glad you got out when you did, as I was also his target for Murder for Hire. He was never charged for the crime and is guilty of both Solicitation and Criminal Conspiracy leaving my 4 children and I helpless. Through charm, projection and manipulation tactics of sorts which included filing false allegations of abuse against me he now has custody of our 3 children. God help us all, steer clear of this man he sounds just like my ex desperate times call for desperate measures especially since he lost his job…be careful, stay safe I’m glad you said he lives out of State. I think your daughter is onto him this is why she does not respond to any contact, smart kid! Peace be with you 🙂
ColoradoKathy, the “resentment” for engaging in counseling or taking prescribed meds is misplaced – and, there’s a reason for this misplaced resentment. The main culprit is a sense of “shame” for having been duped by a predator. Even those closest to us will ask us, “How could you NOT have known?!” And, this creates “shame.”
If there’s black smoke pouring out of your car exhaust, would you troubleshoot the problem, or would you take it to a mechanic? If you suffered a fracture, would you attempt to set the bone, yourself, or would you seek medical care? If your ceiling was pouring water into your home every time it rained, would you climb up onto your roof to sort out and fix the leak, or would you call a trustworty (ROTFLMAO!) contractor? The point here is that we have been terribly, terribly damaged by spath encounters, and human beings are simply not equipped to manage THAT kind of experience. So, seeking the assistance of someone that “gets it” is always a GREAT option.
As far as meds goes, I was prescribed Xanax the day after the exspath left – I had never been in such a state of anxiety in my entire life. Not before, and not since. And, I didn’t take the meds three times a day, as prescribed. It was basically “as needed.” I only needed to take it for about 6 weeks, and I haven’t taken any since. Anti-depressants can be a help in certain situations.
But, here’s the point: we do everything that we know how to do in a crisis. We lift the hood of the car to see where the smoke is coming from. We immobilize a broken bone and get ourselves to the ER to have it X-rayed and set. We might climb up onto the roof to see if shingles needed to be replaced, but we leave the roofing job to the professionals that do this, every day. If our lives have been torn apart by a predator, we have the option of seeking strong counseling therapy with someone that “gets it.” We can find such a counselor by contacting our local domestic violence hotline and put aside our false pride and UN-DESERVED “shame” and ask for help. That’s precisely how I got in touch with the counselor that was so very, very helpful to me.
Check out this site for resources in your area: http://www.ndvh.org ALL victims of sociopaths have been abused, whether they’ve been punched in the jaw or made to feel that they’ve lost their minds. What spaths do is abuse, on every level.
Don’t allow false beliefs to prevent you from recovering from your experiences. You are too priceless in this vast Universe to give the spath the “WIN” by doing nothing to help yourself recover.
Brightest blessings
DUPEY!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’ve been sorely missed, girl! Good to “see” you!
bbe I’m checking out the lights and the light box too thank you this looks like it could really help me x also second
truthy & bbe on the meds; I was prescibed seroxat years ago after a friend commited suicide and another died of cancer (both at 27) and it was horrendous, I had some of the now well documented SEs including ‘electric shock’ sensations and swore I would never take an AD again. Well 15 years on and becoming incapable of functioning in november I was scared enough to discuss AD options with my doctor. Dosing is trial and error, and like bbe I want as little as possible for as short a time as possible. But clinical depression is a very serious illness and I have to try the citalopram(10mg) with diazepam when I have panic symptoms or can’t sleep at 2am (2mg). Also essential a bit of exercise no violent tv or movies no contact (obvs) therapy, venting on LF and eating well
TeaLight, you’re 100% spot-on about clinical depression – it is a very serious matter.
It may be that, in due time, after some strong recovery the clinical depression will be more manageable. When I was still with the first abusive exspath, I had a full-on “episode” and tried to run away with the clothes on my back. Of course, I believed that I was utterly insane. I was prescribed an anti-depressant that I took, faithfully, for 2 years. It DID help me to keep my emotions on an even keel, but it did not change the abusive dynamics. Once I left the abuser, I couldn’t afford to pay for the meds and, subsequently, suffered a horrible withdrawal, but never required them, again. The Xanax was prescribed to assist with the anxiety, and I did NOT want to become dependent upon that medication, and I didn’t.
Good for you that you’re taking control of your own health and well-being, TeaLight. Seriously.
Brightest blessings
Thank you for the link, Truthspeak.
I separated from Spath in October of 2010. Every time I approach a decree of dissolution, he threatens to suicide. Last week, I took elder daughter with me to my therapist (I’m a litigation worker and a RE broker, do not believe in solving problems on my own without the professional you urged me to get on the same basis). In therapist’s presence, she told me to proceed w/divorce no matter what might happen.
Sure ’nuff, I got the “I am going to kill myself with a shotgun tonight and it will be all your fault,” and this time I called the police to report it. They arrived at his door with guns drawn and he swiped at one of them, causing them to break the door down, blacken his eye and dislocate his elbow. They took him in for what in Colo is a 72-hour “mental health hold” and released him….to our daughter!….now his injuries are his latest “poor me” and sure enough, she was inclined to “take care of” him even though he’s done absolutely nothing to care for her, for many years.
I can’t explain to her that nothing she does touches him in any way….everything given to him is wasted down a big black hole that magnetically seems to attract everything beautiful, loving, joyous and sweet…our whole family has been lost to this monster.
Kathy, as you know, the “I’ll kill myself and you will be at fault” is a pity ploy to GET CONTROL OF YOU and/or YOUR DAUGHTER. I’m sorry she is falliing for it and I hope that she will see the therapist and learn that as well.
Good for you for calling the cops, and if he does it again, then call them again. I have a feeling that he may try it again just to push your boundaries. Or get more sympathy.
Your daughter must learn for herself unfortunately, and it is difficult I know. (been there and done that) but sounds to me like you are doing things right. Keep on that path and you will emerge —not unscathed, but alive and upright. God bless.