By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships.
First of all I want to thank everyone who commented on the posts that I’ve written over the last couple of years. Recently I did a post on How to speed date a sociopath. Whilst I make every effort to move on with my life after the psychopath, occasionally something will come up that causes me to think “Why do they do that?”
So the topic of this post is whether or not any of you have experienced the following:
In my book Dark Souls, I wrote about an occasion where my ex moved my cash card. A week later I found it hidden behind a bottle of sauce on the top of a very tall cupboard in the kitchen. At the time it went missing, I asked my ex if he may have picked it up by mistake, because he used the same. He commented that I was forgetful, and asked me whether I’d left it in the freezer.
This was a very strange comment. Later, I found a book written by a psychopath about how to manipulate people, putting the victim off guard so they question their own sanity. One of the suggestion was to ask victims if they left something that went missing in a freezer!
Being a complete idiot at the time, I looked in there, just to check I wasn’t losing the plot or going mad.
More items not returned
I also lent my ex some books and a heart-shaped crystal. At the time he was leaving his wife. He promised to keep it safe. When I asked for it to be returned, I got the excuse that he had let his children play with it, and one of his small children managed to drop it out of a two-story building and broke it. The story was preposterous—why would he let his kids play with something he didn’t want his wife to see?
I was also in a relationship with a man call Dan. I was doing acupuncture, and he as asked me if he could borrow my acupuncture books and also a book on Taoism. He also borrowed a cassette of a local radio interview I’d done when I was 19 about backpacking in India. When the relationship ended, I asked Dan to send me back the books and the interview cassette. He still has them to this day, and refused to give a reason for keeping them. Looking back, I think it was his way of keeping a little trophy of me.
Happening again
I was prompted to write this is because straight after I ended the speed date, I noticed something strange. Every day I wear a necklace, which I made myself out of resin and crystals. You could call it my “security blanket,” because I always feel happy when I am wearing it. When I bathe or shower I take it off and leave it in the bathroom as the string is made of leather. Lurch commented on the jewelry I make as he saw the resin and paraphernalia on the worktops in my kitchen.
A day or so after getting my head of the washing machine with all the mind games he played, I suddenly realised I wasn’t wearing the necklace. I searched the flat everywhere but couldn’t find it. I soon realised that a photograph of me was missing as well. It was an old photograph of me when I was about 16, dressed in fancy dress and looking reasonably young, fit and attractive. My son had seen it a few days before and commented on how young I looked. The photograph had been next to the computer, but was gone.
I like to think of myself as a rational person and don’t jump to conclusions before pointing the finger. In fact, I searched multiple times only to find nothing. Whilst I cannot prove that anyone took it, these were not items of value like money. But they had a lot of sentimental value, much like the cassette and the specialist acupuncture books, which, incidentally are irreplaceable.
Trophies
I’ve read before that the psychopath likes to closet their victims, and I’ve heard stories about serial killers keeping “bits” of them as trophies. Whilst we expect the sociopath to steal our hearts, money and valuable possessions, the difference is that all these items are irreplaceable. Which begs the question that they will intentionally go out of their way to take such things, because they know how upset we will be.
I am still searching for these items, just in case I haven’t lost my marbles. Whilst it’s easy to let them go because they have no real value, the whole experience points to the potentially sick and twisted nature of their personalities and has “creeped” me out. Even with such a good understanding of psychopaths/ sociopaths, it’s still beyond all my capacity to understand what motivates someone to do something like this.
It’s for this reason that I shared this experience. I wonder if anyone else had experience the same kind of “creepy” behaviour.
Louise — from the Insider’s Perspective: the judicial system’s relief is so limited, and the process so costly and so painful, that you should feel just fine about the statute having passed.
What the system requires litigants to endure is itself abusive, punitive and a breach of citizen rights! — no matter which side you’re on, or what the issues might be — and this horrific circumstance is the Talk of the Town among those most directly affected, from judges, attorneys and insurance adjusters — to jurors, witnesses and litigants themselves. About the only happy person at the end of the process is the court reporter — who charges by the page and gets to wear cute skirts into offices where she drinks coffee, uses the bathroom, types on her machine — and (here’s comes the best part) gets to leave and transcribe the stuff at home.
Lucky are those whose issues can be resolved in mediation — or even more blessedly, through a spiritual give-and-take process in which we somehow eventually accept that we have lost X — whether in order that we learn something, in exchange for the same X at some other (past, present or future) time or place, or Just Because It Happened.
I haven’t personally achieved that state of conclusive inner resolution! (instead it’s a wonder I have any hair left) but rather, know it’s probably not in the offing at any courthouse that I know about. It’s with great distress that I report deficiencies in the system, since it’s one I’ve spent my own life on. Also, I don’t intend to imply that nobody should ever file an action — just have a “reasonable expectation” consistent with the realities of public funding, the cost of legal resources, and etc.
Hi am new to this site – i have posted once yesterday but havent got the hang of wheres best to post yet!
I lost my battle in the family court a few weeks ago and i literally do not know what to do to save my daughter before it is too late and she is hooked in by him – he is already pulling out all the strings to make her like him – she is 3 and had no idea who he was as i managed to protect her from him for a year and a half before the evil gal in the case reccommended swapping residency to him – then i had to agree to contact or i would have lost her completely.
Not only is it the emotional abuse / mind f*cking / alienating her against me that i know is inevitable if she is to know him, but i stopped contact in the first place because at the age of only 20 months she came back from a weekend with him with sexual behaviour, and the few words she was saying i knew what had been going on. This is what snapped me out of it, and i could see the effect me being in this abusive relationship with him was having on my daughter. I had sat in the room with him and seen him behave inappropriately towards her, he had been gradually pushing the boundaries and but given his sob story that he had had sexual allegations made up about him by a ‘bitter ex’ i darent raise it or say anything because as we do i had learnt not to push his buttons. He would also do this in front of his own family, so i assumed it must just be me that thought it was wrong.
There is even more to it, and before the weekend her behaviour began i had actually reported a lot of concerns to a child abuse line, because i learnt there was even more to his background and more thann 1 incident of alleged sexual misconduct. He told me this because he had lied to his work and they had found out and he was worried that i would find out i think.
This was a month or so before when i had to stop contact – but i had started to see through him at that point although would still not have been able to have broken from him if it wasnt for the disturbing things i saw in my 20 month olds behaviour.
I thought i would be believed, because i was not the first person to raise concerns of this nature, but the social workers investigating did not even get disclosure on his background, took his word for it, which interchanged with how many girls / ages/ dates / alleged offence. They did not seem to notice that nothing matched up – and i cannot believe they did not get proper details – a classic ‘confuse everyone’ and look ‘honest’ by disclosing it voluntarily. It being only half of it!
More came out on the last day of the case – yet still no one was concerned – it turns out there were at least 3 incidents (sexual misconduct/indecent assault/rape) before my allegations starting from teenage years.
I want to give the most shocking thing that came out but i dont know if i can give details on here but it would horrify anyone, it was from a text message i had found of him detailing an ‘accidental sexual incident’ with my daughter and him while i was away – he had a ‘witness’ to this who added in extra details which made it seem absolutely no way it was accidental/innocent as she was claiming for him. He still maintained he did not know this witness was in the room as he did not call her until another witness said her relative (this new witness was there). The judge decided to ignore her extra vivid details, because it ‘was a long time ago’ and my ex did not remember that that was the case, so he got away with it with the line- ‘why would i have text her to tell her if it was anything untoward’ – his most used line was ‘i am so open, transparent and honest with everyone i meet – i think that is part of my problem and it goes against me’. He was saying this right after admitting that he was not ‘frank’ with his work and detailed his past allegations to them under the impression that it was only one allegation.
Sorry this is rambling but i cant get my head round how he has got away with it again – i was in contact with one of his past victims (the parents of one of the children) and they responded with a description of him (they did not use the word spath but among their letter was confirmation of everything i knew about his personality and about how he got away with his past by evading conning charming. I put this email from them in my evidence (very risky, but they were trying to reverse residency at this point bcos i had broken all the contact orders in my desperation to hunt for some evidence – i knew i would find something bcos with someone like this you just know there is something out there that would nail them – i found it (the text i was saying about above) but he got round it).
This text that he managed to convince gal / court etc occurred innocently, i showed to 30 people, including a teacher, doctor, childrens centre worker and all of them were disturbed and said keep her away from him run run etc, many of these were without even knowing his background string of similar allegations.
Now this case is over and i have legally no option but to send my 3 year old to this monster to be ruined, abused, and turned against me, i would do anything to save her but i dont know what i can do. If i run he would find me and she would be sent to live with him and me put in prison. But there is always that miniscule hope that he wouldnt fine us and we could live our life free, and my daughter could be loved, enjoy life and keep her innocence that he has regained after he snatched it the first time.
That tiny chance of a good life for my daughter my whole world, to me seems worth the risk, because if i do nothing she is guaranteed misery and a lifetime of torment, while hooked in to his trauma bond – like i was only worse bcos she is so tiny, and there may be nothing to snap her out of it like there was me. I have read some of your stories about how your children have been ruined, know their ‘dad’ doesnt care, yet still bend over backwards from them and even ignore you or worse. Please please help me if anyone has any ideas i am desperate. Thanks for reading sorry it is so long. xxx
Dear Won,
It’s usually the case that the spaths win because we are too emotional and they are calm and have their wits about them.
That’s why it’s best to have a lawyer who will fight on your behalf. Find someone who is cutthroat.
Other than that, I would suggest you read the gray rock article. You’ll need it.
Thanks i have read gray rock – seems very logical and a great idea which i have done so far on the visits where i have to swap her over to him.
Sounds awful but my best hope is that there is some other drama in his life that takes priority over this, or that someone has reason to make sexual allegations against him as surely he cant get away with a 5th set (hopefullly his new gf a single mother of 2 girls who had been dumped by her husband for an 18 yr old may be next in line as much as i pray it isnt her but at least her kids would not be legally forced to see him)
Apart from running my only other option is to hope he gets bored and gray rock i believe will be a big part of this so thanks – i did this in court when he won and on the first handover after he won and was ‘oh so kindly’ offering me to jump in the car with him to drive back to my car (where my mum and daughter were) bcos he had parked half a mile up the road and i had had to walk up to find him – i did not get in his car but was not rude just acted like i did not care walking and made him tailgate me slowly as i walked to show him my car.
Also, I have moved and plan to again as far as i can (within the uk) to hope the distance will start to put him off.
Also had idea of acting like he is the babysitter (ive read someone has done this successfully) and that i am using the time he is with her for ‘me time’ to shop, see friends etc, and dress up nice, loads of shopping bags on display, get haird done etc show up with new boyfriend. He wants me to be falling apart, crying, etc so i am thinking this might make him lose interest in my daughjter as he only wants contact to get at me. Do you think this ‘act like hes the babysitter’ plan will work or backfire.
Anhy thought on this or has anyone tried this? Need some good tips to try and bore him and annoy him so he will f off and leave us alone for good. Otherwise it will have to be plan B 🙁
TheHoodwinker, I responded with a general mention of my own experiences in Family Court, on another thread and you may have not seen it.
“Family Court” is not working for you, the benefit of your daughter, or for anything else other than to get you and your daughter OFF of the docket. That’s it. The case-workers assigned to any case are not interested in what is “right” or “obvious.” They want to fill out the voluminous reports and go to the next case (typically 600 in one month varies with population). Court is not about “fair,” or what is reasonable, and there is nothing – not one thing – that a concerned parent can do to protect their child if the other parent is spath.
A prime example of this is a gal that I know divorced the father of her 2 daughters about 14 years ago. That man is now in prison for a while because he trolled high schools for teenaged girls to ply with alcohol, and then sexually violate them when they were inebriated. His new wife of 26 was also arrested and imprisoned because SHE video-recorded her husband’s violations.
The mother of these 2 girls was forced to comply with her deviant ex-husband’s visitation rights, EVEN THOUGH this man is now a sex offender for the rest of his life and his targets were teenaged girls – the youngest daughter was 12 at the time that this man’s arrest and trial made headlines in the area for months. The Court determined that this man had violated OTHER teenaged girls, not his own daughter, and was therefore not a threat to her safety.
REALLY!?!?! Yes, really. This was the Court’s decision and it is typical of ALL custody/visitation cases with very few exceptions.
We do not have any power in Family Court and any parent that starts skwawking about the other parents is immediatley “suspect” as being “bitter” or “vindictive.” This is not a pleasant fact, TheHoodwinker, but it is a fact, nonetheless.
The best way that I can explain how I approached the first exspath was to simply speak in monotone, give NO personal information, and NO reaction or demands. Spaths prefer a fight so that control can be asserted and power exercised over not-so-former-source-targets. As LONG as we react, we remain targets. I gave the exspath NO information of what I was doing – going to college, etc., as it was NONE of his business. If it isn’t about the needs of the child, then it’s a change in topic BACK to the child. Even then, telling the spath what his offspring needs isn’t even advisable because they do not care. They DO NOT care – a child is just a tool like an adjustable wrench and can (and, often IS) easily replaced once their usefulness as a tool of agony has run out.
Backspathing is an art form and I’m not good at that, although others on this site can REALLY explain what that is and how it’s done. But, acting as if his visitation with your daughter is the BEST thing that could ever happen so you could …. attend an art class, yoga class, or whatever he would believe to be vitally important to you will cause him to back out, frequently, IF he is led to believe that you are enrolled and faithfully attending these things. You don’t even need to include your daughter in on this because SHE doesn’t need to be placed in the middle, here. As far as she knows, mommy’s having “ME-time,” and that’s all she needs to know.
I identify with what you’re experiencing, TheHoodwinker, and you can win this without any more Courtroom drama/trauma as soon as you’re able to settle down, accept the fact that the only thing over which you have control is yourself, and then begin detaching yourself from the “need” to protect your daughter. I’m not suggesting that your daughter isn’t at risk with this man, but there is nothing you can legally do about it unless you want to retain an attorney and spend about 20K on this, OR run to another State.
Hopefully, others on LoveFraud can discuss backspathing and better techniques so that you have many options available.
Brightest blessings
Louise, I wasn’t upset, at all – I was embarassed that I didn’t “get” what you were referencing! LOL
In the past, there have been readers who have posted VERY inflammatory remarks, and even demands, about other readers’ spiritual beliefs, and it’s a really difficult boundary to recognize (for me, at any rate!) because spath carnaged INCLUDES spiritual/religious damage. And, regardless of any one person’s spiritual or religious beliefs, it is an important aspect of a survivor’s recovery. So, when I read your response, I didn’t realize that it was specific to how another reader had been abused by her spath.
So, I hope that you’re okay with me. Sometimes, these threads move so quickly and some responses are so lengthy that it’s a bit of a challenge to sort out what response goes with which post.
Brightest blessings
Thanks skylar for your comments btw. Probably is too late for a cutthroat lawyer though. I thought i had found the best child lawyers in the country they had won cases even against social services but my barrister let me down big time – i was even spoon feeding him questions before the cross questioning and he asked none of it – i almost wondered whose side he was on and i suspect he may have been taken in by path too and so did not tear into him as he should have done 🙁
TheHoodwinker, are you outside of the U.S.? I ask this only because I know nothing of other systems outside of the U.S. with the one glaring exception being that all “family” courts are of the mistaken belief that all children MUST have both parents involved in their lives in order to develop into healthy, successful adults, and this simply is not true.
I’m so sorry for your experiences and I can really identify with the frustration and feelings of defeat… You’ll learn how to “Grey Rock” the spath effectively with practice.
Brightest blessings
Thanks Truth, very helpful, i would run to another state except i live in the uk – i would run but i dont know if this is an option these days as surely it would be easy to find me and he would being a spath he would hunt me down to destroy.
So i am thinking your idea may be the best one of enrolling in a class and i can let it be known as i could drop it in an email when i ask him whether our meeting point can change bcos of my ‘yoga class’ – he wont change the meetpoint but it will get the info to him of my yoga class, otherwise i do not talk to him so he wont get to know!
i have to meet him at a midpoint as we live over 3 hours apart – he has done half of this drive once and already complained, so this may be an added drag to him whilst being used as the nanny!
You are right about no point in telling him what she needs – it will just give him more leeway to do the complete opposite to annoy me and play the ‘game’ with me which i do not want to! I know from my daughter that he doesnt have anything there she needs – but sadly instead of thinking badly of him that he doesnt care enough to have anything (which she would say normally if it was anyone else!), he has convinced her she is such a big girl and doesnt need any of it. I know this is only minor but i can see she is not seeing through him and it is going to be devastating to watch.
Anyway i will try the above and let him feel like he is doing me a favour. I will not let my daughter be a pawn in this like you say – even though she asked me the opther day what my boyfriends name is in the car on the way back – he must have asked her this – i have not dated since all this began 2 years ago!!
Very hard to realise the truth as you explaiend it above once it sinks in i think i will be able to move on with my life, stop letting him take over my life with constant worry but be there for my daughter so that i am there when she needs me and has a positive role model (i hope!) who loves her unconditionally from the heart and will do anything for her, in contrast to her ‘dad’.
Truth – how long did it take you to get rid of the first one and did they stay out of you and your childrens lifes? How are you children coping, if you dont mind me asking. You sound like a very strong and brave person.
Also backspathing sounds interesting – i would love to hear more about this if anyone has been successful.
Thanks, having others to talk to that completely get it is keeping me sane right now and feel less alone.
TheHoodwinker, I lost both of my sons to the abusive exspath because the Court wasn’t interested – the judge just wanted both of us the hell OUT of his courtroom. Even a court-appointed LCSW made a scathing report of the exspath, and this had no impact. So, I learned a whole lot about “Family Court” in that mess.
I’m not strong, nor am I brave. I’m just surviving on a daily basis. I hate that I married yet ANOTHER spath that targeted me specifically for money and as a cloak of respectability to hide his deviances behind. My choices are: sort it out and recover, or; roll over and die. And, rolling over and dying is NOT an option. 🙂
The first exspath eventually faded away until his untimely death. My eldest son, also spath, contacted me about his father’s passing, and I reconnected with my youngest son who is NOT spath, but severely damaged and trying to work through it. And, that is when I first became acquainted with this incredible site of support, information, and encouragement. Had I NOT found this site when I did, my NEXT experience would likely have killed me, outright.
You are certainly not alone, TheHoodwinker, and the more that you read, post, vent, rant, and absorb, the stronger your recovery is going to be. It just takes time. And, acceptance. And, “acceptance” doesn’t mean that we have to LIKE the truths, but that we accept the truths in spite of whether they’re pleasant, or not.
Brightest blessings