By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships.
First of all I want to thank everyone who commented on the posts that I’ve written over the last couple of years. Recently I did a post on How to speed date a sociopath. Whilst I make every effort to move on with my life after the psychopath, occasionally something will come up that causes me to think “Why do they do that?”
So the topic of this post is whether or not any of you have experienced the following:
In my book Dark Souls, I wrote about an occasion where my ex moved my cash card. A week later I found it hidden behind a bottle of sauce on the top of a very tall cupboard in the kitchen. At the time it went missing, I asked my ex if he may have picked it up by mistake, because he used the same. He commented that I was forgetful, and asked me whether I’d left it in the freezer.
This was a very strange comment. Later, I found a book written by a psychopath about how to manipulate people, putting the victim off guard so they question their own sanity. One of the suggestion was to ask victims if they left something that went missing in a freezer!
Being a complete idiot at the time, I looked in there, just to check I wasn’t losing the plot or going mad.
More items not returned
I also lent my ex some books and a heart-shaped crystal. At the time he was leaving his wife. He promised to keep it safe. When I asked for it to be returned, I got the excuse that he had let his children play with it, and one of his small children managed to drop it out of a two-story building and broke it. The story was preposterous—why would he let his kids play with something he didn’t want his wife to see?
I was also in a relationship with a man call Dan. I was doing acupuncture, and he as asked me if he could borrow my acupuncture books and also a book on Taoism. He also borrowed a cassette of a local radio interview I’d done when I was 19 about backpacking in India. When the relationship ended, I asked Dan to send me back the books and the interview cassette. He still has them to this day, and refused to give a reason for keeping them. Looking back, I think it was his way of keeping a little trophy of me.
Happening again
I was prompted to write this is because straight after I ended the speed date, I noticed something strange. Every day I wear a necklace, which I made myself out of resin and crystals. You could call it my “security blanket,” because I always feel happy when I am wearing it. When I bathe or shower I take it off and leave it in the bathroom as the string is made of leather. Lurch commented on the jewelry I make as he saw the resin and paraphernalia on the worktops in my kitchen.
A day or so after getting my head of the washing machine with all the mind games he played, I suddenly realised I wasn’t wearing the necklace. I searched the flat everywhere but couldn’t find it. I soon realised that a photograph of me was missing as well. It was an old photograph of me when I was about 16, dressed in fancy dress and looking reasonably young, fit and attractive. My son had seen it a few days before and commented on how young I looked. The photograph had been next to the computer, but was gone.
I like to think of myself as a rational person and don’t jump to conclusions before pointing the finger. In fact, I searched multiple times only to find nothing. Whilst I cannot prove that anyone took it, these were not items of value like money. But they had a lot of sentimental value, much like the cassette and the specialist acupuncture books, which, incidentally are irreplaceable.
Trophies
I’ve read before that the psychopath likes to closet their victims, and I’ve heard stories about serial killers keeping “bits” of them as trophies. Whilst we expect the sociopath to steal our hearts, money and valuable possessions, the difference is that all these items are irreplaceable. Which begs the question that they will intentionally go out of their way to take such things, because they know how upset we will be.
I am still searching for these items, just in case I haven’t lost my marbles. Whilst it’s easy to let them go because they have no real value, the whole experience points to the potentially sick and twisted nature of their personalities and has “creeped” me out. Even with such a good understanding of psychopaths/ sociopaths, it’s still beyond all my capacity to understand what motivates someone to do something like this.
It’s for this reason that I shared this experience. I wonder if anyone else had experience the same kind of “creepy” behaviour.
Interesting corallations about psychos and hoarding! I always thought that should have been a BIG red flag to me when I first stepped foot in his house.
The X pshycho was a hoarder of sorts. When I first drove up to his property it looked like a junk yard; derelick equipment and tractors all over the place. Inside the house papers covered every horizontal surface of his living space, and he had a whole floor in his 3 story house that contained boxes of papers and junk. You couldn’t walk through it, nor could you touch it.
A HUGHE RED FLAG!!!! and I fell into the trap thinking he just needed a loving woman to “clean him up”
BBE, the following excerpt from the linked article
An ethological hypothesis can be supported in the most straightforward fashion with the hyperthymic temperament. This temperament is characterized by exuberant, upbeat, overenergetic, and overconfident lifelong traits.[14] Obviously, such traits have great relevance to territoriality and leadership. Other authors have also described this trait behavioral pattern. For instance, Possl and von Zerssen[15] describe the biography of these individuals in the following traits: (1) vivid, active, extroverted; (2) verbally aggressive, self assured; (3) strong-willed; (4) self-employed; (5) risk-taking and sensation-seeking; (6) breaking social norms; and (7) generous and spendthrift. This contribution came from a study of the premorbid behavior of bipolar patients. Gardner,[16] based on a more intuitive formulation, described the behavior of these individuals in even more territorial terms: (1) cheerfulness and joking; (2) irrepressible infectious quality; (3) unusual warmth; (4) expansive; (5) increased self confidence; (6) scheming; (7) robust and tireless; and (8) pushy and meddlesome.
ALL of these things can be part and parcel of bi polar and/or psychopathy if taken to the “extreme” or can be positive traits if not taken to extreme. I think all of us can be measured on a bell curve with most of us in the middle…and some on either end of the curve and “out of the norm” for any quality. Be it depression or mania…assertive or abusive…were does “assertive” end and “abusive” begin? it is a fine line.
Also keep in mind that many people who are bi polar are ALSO ADHD and/or psychopathic, and also more likely to be left handed.
In cattle studies the Whorl of hair in the middle of their foreheads corresponds to whether they are “flighty” or more easily scared. The lower it is, the more likely they are to be anxious and easily scared, the higher it is, the more calm they are likely to be. The reason seems to be that that hair curl is formed at the same time a certain part of the brain is formed.
I noticed a long time ago that cattle in my herd that were “flightly” had flighty calves and I culled them out, also aggressive cattle were culled, and in only a few generations I had an exceptionally gentle and docile herd very easy to handle.
If an animal so much as shook their head at me, GONE to the meat packers. I didn’t need any animal bigger than me on the farm that would TRY to hurt me. The only exception I ever made was if a cow had a calf under a week old and she stood over it protectively. Otherwise ANY sign of aggression by any animal on my farm was a death sentence for that animal.
Dogs which are bred pretty much for disposition as well as size and shape are a perfect example of disposition being genetic….and why on earth would we think that as humans we would be IMMUNE TO THIS GENETIC TENDENCY? Because we are more mongrel than the dogs we own?
Ox;
I totally agree and it show the continuum of emotions. However, the article does not point to Hyperthymic Temperament being a disorder, merely a statement of mood.
My x-spath was not Hyperthymic — he was more depressive. However, my sociopath x-manager was Hyperthymic.
A very good friend of mine is Hyperthymic and not sociopathic, in fact far from it…
The hair whorl thing is interesting. In humans, it is linked to sexual orientation:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15689627
First noticed, of course, by gay hair dressers….
Well, now, ain’t that just interesting as hell???!!!! Learn all kinds of things.
Since you and I both agree that there *seems* to be a higher rate of S/P (at least as we have experienced it) among gay guys, annd definitely among bi-sexuals and we know that S/P is somewhat genetic, along with Bi-polar and ADHD and left handedness,.. what has been your experience or do you know any research on L/R handedness in gay males?
The ONE person I know who was professionally diagnosed in all these, ASPD, Bi-polar, ADHD and was also left handed was the Trojan horse Psychopath, he was also bi-sexual and a pedophile.
My son Patrick is not ADHD and as far as I know not bi-polar but he hasn’t lived around me since he was 17 so he may not have yet started to show signs of Bi-Polar at that age so I could be wrong on that case. He is very much Narcisistic, little impulse control, little awareness of how others perceive him, (quite uncouth actually) and a great sense of entitlement, and sure as heck does NOT learn from his mistakes or getting caught. Believe it or not he PERCEIVES himself as a great success in life. LOL ROTFLMAO yep, talk about little awareness of what others think of him.
Ox;
In another forum, a gay student studying psychology mentioned the link of left-handed, ADHD/Autism and Homosexuality.
I have one gay friend who is bipolar, gay and sociopathic but not left-handed. He is self-entitled, very Narcissistic and has little capacity for self-insight. For example, he was committed for observation early in the week but somehow managed a release.
What did he do? Got on a bus to Atlantic City, where he called me. I expressed concern about him being there. His answer? “I am in more control of my drinking, gambling and sexing than anyone I know.” He is not a pedophile, rather, he is an ephebophile.
Next time I am at a party, I will do an informal survey. Here is a formal study:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sex/articles/results/handedness.shtml
My son Patrick is left handed but he ONLY writes left handed, he uses scissors right handed, shoots right handed, etc. so he is to some extent ambidexterous. I have other left handed friends who can’t pick their noses with their right hand, much less use scissors etc.
I think there is a lot of information out there that will be discovered in genetics in the next 100 years that I wish I could be around to know about. I think we are on the cusp of some interesting discoveries in the human brain and genetics and behavioral studies. I don’t think we understand 1/100th of 1% of the questions to ask, much less the answers.
The older I get, the more I learn, the more I realize that I don’t know Jack about shitz! Or is it shitz about Jack? LOL
Ox;
There are many fascinating connections that we are only beginning to understand. For example, those who are prone to being aerobically athletic also tend to be more spatially aware than average. In English, bicyclists and runners don’t get lost that easily…
To some degree, certain aspects of science, in an attempt to recover from past prejudices, have gone too far in the opposite extreme. For example, human epigenetics was greeted with some skepticism. HIV prevention efforts in the USA have been hampered by the fact that those of African descent simply are more susceptible to the disease, which is compounded by less healthcare access and other issues.
Same with homosexuality. As I said before, homosexuality should not be subject to prejudice. However, as a gay person, I think the gay community is done a huge disservice by refusing to accept that homosexuals have a whole host of mental health issues, not resulting from discrimination and minority status, but simply as a result of being gay.
BBE, I think there are some problems that females are predisposed to as well, and some that males are predisposed to as well.
I was reading an article about how the gene for spina bifida is prevented from being “turned on” by folic acid, and that research shows that young women who are supplemented with folic acid are much MUCH less likely to have babies with cleft pallets and spina bifida because the folic acid keeps that gene which is there from being expressed…and that is just ONE TINY gene which is influenced by one tiny vitamin. How many other genes are expressed under X circumstances or not expressed under Y circumstances?
We know a lot more than my physician grandfather knew in 1911 when he graduated from Medical school, but there is still 99.999999% of what is to be known that we don’t know yet.
All I do know for sure is that psychopathy has a genetic component and something turns the gene off or on to one extent or another and they are predators and we need to learn how to recognize them and avoid them if we can.
I think it would help if our “professionals” could get their shiat together and quit worrying about being so PC and at least agree on a name and a definition. From what I am hearing the new DSM SUCKS canal water in many areas not just on psychopathy. Frankly I think that the people on LF, with some EXPERIENCE in dealing with psychopaths know more PRACTICAL information about them than many if not most of the people who claim to be “professionals” but wouldn’t recognize a psychopath in the wild if it bit them in the arse. (sorry for the rant!) LOL
Oxy and BBE,
Simon Baron-Cohen has already solved it but he is too PC to make the final leap: testosterone.
He has said that Autism is a disease of too much maleness in the brain. AKA the geek syndrome. They focus on logic, a masculine trait.
Kids who have older male siblings are more likely to be gay. From what I read, years ago, it was thought that the male fetus left testosterone in the womb, which affected the next fetus. This was stuff I read many years ago.
Further, the research indicated that the length of the ring finger, also pointed to levels of testosterone. Gay males AND females have MORE, not less testosterone.
All of these things indicate that testosterone is a key component, perhaps through epigenetics, of certain traits, including spath, being gay, being left handed, etc…
oh my,, my grandmother said you could always tell a a ”queer” by his ankles, they have very thin ankles she said. I remember looking at my ankles…oh my