By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships.
First of all I want to thank everyone who commented on the posts that I’ve written over the last couple of years. Recently I did a post on How to speed date a sociopath. Whilst I make every effort to move on with my life after the psychopath, occasionally something will come up that causes me to think “Why do they do that?”
So the topic of this post is whether or not any of you have experienced the following:
In my book Dark Souls, I wrote about an occasion where my ex moved my cash card. A week later I found it hidden behind a bottle of sauce on the top of a very tall cupboard in the kitchen. At the time it went missing, I asked my ex if he may have picked it up by mistake, because he used the same. He commented that I was forgetful, and asked me whether I’d left it in the freezer.
This was a very strange comment. Later, I found a book written by a psychopath about how to manipulate people, putting the victim off guard so they question their own sanity. One of the suggestion was to ask victims if they left something that went missing in a freezer!
Being a complete idiot at the time, I looked in there, just to check I wasn’t losing the plot or going mad.
More items not returned
I also lent my ex some books and a heart-shaped crystal. At the time he was leaving his wife. He promised to keep it safe. When I asked for it to be returned, I got the excuse that he had let his children play with it, and one of his small children managed to drop it out of a two-story building and broke it. The story was preposterous—why would he let his kids play with something he didn’t want his wife to see?
I was also in a relationship with a man call Dan. I was doing acupuncture, and he as asked me if he could borrow my acupuncture books and also a book on Taoism. He also borrowed a cassette of a local radio interview I’d done when I was 19 about backpacking in India. When the relationship ended, I asked Dan to send me back the books and the interview cassette. He still has them to this day, and refused to give a reason for keeping them. Looking back, I think it was his way of keeping a little trophy of me.
Happening again
I was prompted to write this is because straight after I ended the speed date, I noticed something strange. Every day I wear a necklace, which I made myself out of resin and crystals. You could call it my “security blanket,” because I always feel happy when I am wearing it. When I bathe or shower I take it off and leave it in the bathroom as the string is made of leather. Lurch commented on the jewelry I make as he saw the resin and paraphernalia on the worktops in my kitchen.
A day or so after getting my head of the washing machine with all the mind games he played, I suddenly realised I wasn’t wearing the necklace. I searched the flat everywhere but couldn’t find it. I soon realised that a photograph of me was missing as well. It was an old photograph of me when I was about 16, dressed in fancy dress and looking reasonably young, fit and attractive. My son had seen it a few days before and commented on how young I looked. The photograph had been next to the computer, but was gone.
I like to think of myself as a rational person and don’t jump to conclusions before pointing the finger. In fact, I searched multiple times only to find nothing. Whilst I cannot prove that anyone took it, these were not items of value like money. But they had a lot of sentimental value, much like the cassette and the specialist acupuncture books, which, incidentally are irreplaceable.
Trophies
I’ve read before that the psychopath likes to closet their victims, and I’ve heard stories about serial killers keeping “bits” of them as trophies. Whilst we expect the sociopath to steal our hearts, money and valuable possessions, the difference is that all these items are irreplaceable. Which begs the question that they will intentionally go out of their way to take such things, because they know how upset we will be.
I am still searching for these items, just in case I haven’t lost my marbles. Whilst it’s easy to let them go because they have no real value, the whole experience points to the potentially sick and twisted nature of their personalities and has “creeped” me out. Even with such a good understanding of psychopaths/ sociopaths, it’s still beyond all my capacity to understand what motivates someone to do something like this.
It’s for this reason that I shared this experience. I wonder if anyone else had experience the same kind of “creepy” behaviour.
Tea Light:
Yes, there are proven studies about their testosterone levels and it’s true. I think the spath I knew had it off the charts. It’s funny…I also had a type and it was opposite of you. I am tall and thin, but for some reason I always liked shorter guys…I have no idea why. I don’t like tall men…too big for me for some reason even though I am tall. I also was attracted to dark, Italian types. Well, spath is short, but of course he is the very pale, blue eyed Englishman. What can I say, he was delicious. His breath never smelled, his body never smelled, his skin was like silk, his kisses were the best ever, he was very gentle. No wonder I fell for him. Like I said, all I know is I’ve never kissed anyone like that before.
Yeah, what you described of yours is not attractive at all…haha or should I say YUK? It had to be the testosterone!! You also hit on a VERY good point about perimenopause. Me, too! Little did I know that when I was involved with him, I was on my way to menopause…it really explains a lot. Three months after leaving my job, I missed my first period and started getting hot flashes with a vengeance. I am almost at a point of no periods for one year…I am already at nine months.
I also know what you mean about thinking about them, but thinking about them in an obsessive, tied in knots sort of way and not in an endearing way…I was the same way!! It’s because they caused so much confusion in us. And you not remembering the sex is your body and mind’s way of blocking out the abuse. So sad. So sorry you had to go through all that…horrible. 🙁
Dupey, it’s great to “see” you and read that you’re doing well!!! WONDERFUL!!!!!
Louise, one friend of mine that has a psychology degree and has survived a couple of spath relationships told it to me like this: because spaths MIRROR, the “sex” is only as good as our own imaginations. The hormones that bond women (in particular) to partners when sex is introduced is a physiological bond that probably has roots in species procreation. I.e., if we’re “bonded” because of sexual interactions, then the species is guaranteed to continue. Men (typically), on the other hand, don’t necessarily develop this type of “bond,” which suggests to me that the more dominant males would have the opportunities to build harems (so to speak) much as deer, elk, mustangs, and other herd animals do.
That’s my take on it, at any rate, and my friend explained that the illusions that spaths generate are done so with our OWN expectations and fantasies. So, if we are passionate about lovemaking (or, sex), then WE are the ones that create the intensity, NOT the spaths.
In my situation, the exspath “seemed” very passionate, at first – up until the nuptials. But, he was very specific in his tastes and I often questioned him WHY specific criteria were necessary to arouse him, and he never had an answer. Things that I found enticing were never explored, much less acknowledged. After the nuptials, there were VERY few “momentous” moments of intimacy and even kisses were cursory and missing “something” vital. He never spoke words of endearment. It was very, very mechanical, quick, and only my imagination made any of those “moments” satisfying for me, personally.
EUGH…..when I consider these things and compare them to what I later discovered about the exspath, it’s actually physically nauseating to me.
TeaLight, I agree that the focus on how “good” the sex was is, indeed, a response to the abuse. The first abusive exspath also caused me extreme reactions to sex once I was deep in the throes of the abuse cycle.
So, to this day, I can’t even watch a love-scene in a movie without my stomach turning, and this is very sad for ANYone to experience. Sex should be a healthy part of humanity, and I don’t ever believe that I’ll be able to view it that way for the rest of my life.
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak:
I totally agree with your friend. She is right. I have to say though and I know this is confusing and doesn’t add up, but the sex with the spath wasn’t that good at all. It was as you said…very mechanical and quick…perfect way to explain it. I know it was this way for a number of reasons…he didn’t want intimacy, he only wanted sex, he didn’t love me…on and on. So to me, it’s hard to reconcile that the kissing and the hugging was very awesome, but the sex itself was blah, but then the cuddling after again was nice…hmmmm, just doesn’t add up. It’s like it was all good except the actual act. I know a lot of it was mirroring and only in my own head. Especially that first kiss I was talking about. It was ME that felt something so powerful, but he didn’t. But I think that’s because I was connected to him, but that is not what he wanted at all.
Another important thing to remember and I realize this…all these nice things I am describing of him are “physical” characteristics. There was nothing nice at all about his “character.” He was a liar, cheater, unreliable, manipulative, alcoholic, lazy, predator…on and on. He is just so cute that he gets away with it…that really is the bottom line. He’s this 45 year old guy who looks and acts like a little boy with a British accent who can do anything he wants and everyone looks the other way…reminds me of the Savile guy…truly. Makes me really upset. GRRRRRRR.
Same here Truthspeak…I can’t even watch two people kiss in a love scene and it’s hard because it’s everywhere. People are always kissing in movies and on TV and I can’t even watch it because of the kissing I experienced. What a way to go through life, but it WILL get better…it will. Time is healing it for me and it will for you, too. Having No Contact makes these things fade away. It really helps with the addiction.
Try to have a good day today…we all deserve that.
Louise, yeah…..we tend to “overlook” the obvious in trade for the fantasy. I did the same thing. The exspath is not handsome, although I often told him that he was to bolster his self-esteem. Well………DUH!!!!!!!!
We all have our melting spots – British accent, artist-personnae, genius, spontenaity, etc…..we all have them, or HAD them. Today, there isn’t anything that any man can bring to me that will cause me to risk my recovery. Of course, I have nothing to bring to a relationship-table, either! LMAO!!!!!!! I am not attractive, in good health, self-sufficient, or emotionally healthy, so I have no illusions about romance, dating, or anything else.
I can’t watch “Matrix” movies because of the PVC clothing. I used to associate that type of dress with nothing more than a fashion statement. Today, I know that it was the preliminary garment style for the violent S&M that the exspath entertains. BLEAH……
And, this, in my mind, is the most grievous sin of all: to destroy another person’s perception of what a healthy relationship is has no remedy. Sure, I was financially ruined, but I am really, REALLY struggling with the emotional issues on a daily basis.
We DO all deserve to have a good day and a good life. And, this is what I’m striving for. 😉
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak:
I also feel like I don’t have much to bring to the table. I am attractive, but other than that and being kind, I feel like I don’t offer much. Sex and kindness…that’s about all I could give a man.
Bingo! That’s how I feel…he destroyed the chances of me probably ever having a relationship again and that is tragic. I have said the same thing to friends. But then I tell myself that he didn’t destroy that…I CANNOT let him destroy it. If I allow it, I feel like it’s my fault at that point, not his. They may have created the way we feel now, but we have the power to STOP it. We CAN do it!! We have to do it. It’s the only thing we will have over them…the power to heal and NOT let them ruin our lives. That is what I am striving for today and everyday. Hang in there, lady…you are strong and I know you will be OK. 🙂
Louise, as long as I’m upright and breathing, everything’s “okay.”
I no longer believe in the romantic concept of “love.” I no longer believe in the sanctity of marriage – marriage is a binding, legal contract, and has NOTHING to do with the blending of souls. It’s bullshit. All of it.
Truthspeak:
Me either. I don’t believe in any of it anymore and I think that some of my friends think I am bitter and they say that they want me to meet someone, but they don’t understand. They just don’t and they can’t. I agree 100% with you…the whole perfect marriage and all that is bull. It does not exist. As OW said, “It’s just something we tell little girls.” The whole fantasy of finding prince charming and living happily ever after…it’s not real.
Truthspeak and Louise-
I feel for you and anyone that finds themselves feeling disillusioned with romance. I have a neighbor, a woman in her 50’s, that I sometimes sit and talk with over a beer or glass of wine. Talking about our ‘Life’ experiences she said that she recognizes that she was damaged by her alcoholic and abusive partners. Some of the experiences described to me make me think that her partners were sociopaths.
But, let me tell you that such feelings are not just those of women and it was not just ‘little girls’ that were told stories of finding their fantasy ‘prince (Or, princess.) charming.’
What a topic – the things that go into formulating or ‘ideals’!
I think about the influences of TV shows, movies, the observed and perceived relationships between my parents, my aunts and uncles and, my friends’ parents.
After the passing away of my parents and most of my aunts and uncles, I came to possess some of their personal affects like letters and books. Within these things I found some notes and letters that expressed their love for each other. They spanned the whole ‘timeline’ of the relationship. What is especially touching are notes written to husbands after they had died. Reading these brought tears to my eyes.
But what I saw in the notes were the phases of the relationships – the courtship: with the hopes and promises and idealization of Love – through the period of building of the family: sharing the awesome duties of raising children; the promises of continuing love. And then through the latter days: full of kidding, more promises of love but tempered or tinged with frustrations and marked by the trials and tribulations of life. And there was a kind of resignation and tiredness and, hints of regret over having not realized the full range of dreams and promises, like rose gardens, that filled their hearts and minds in the early days.
But, in the end, I think that they were fulfilled and, blessed, in that they had lived the whole ‘human experience,’ whether or not they had done everything that can go with it. For example, one of my aunts never married, Another married but could not have children.
What I perceived as a wholesome and fulfilling relationship for the rest of my life is what I ‘saw’ in my ex-gf when we started dating.
Looking back on it I think that she did indeed ‘mirror’ what I was looking for. But there were the contradictions and the resulting confusion and cognitive dissonance within me that followed.
We would kiss for HOURS at a time. Even in a car on a winter night we would kiss – oblivious to the freezing temperatures – for three of four hours, straight, our lips were pressed together. It was so good that it felt to me like the pinnacle, the height, of eroticism and passion. I don’t know if I should admit it, but, I thought – ‘Who needs intercourse when this feels SO good?’
But it came across to me that she wanted, needed more. I pushed myself to ‘go for’ the sex. From my past, disordered relationships, and from a couple that were out of balance – where my gf’s wanted sex all the time, I felt that my then gf wanted and expected the same.
This is my deepest regret — not waiting.
But with time, week by week, I saw my gf’s behaviour develop- becoming more critical, withholding affection and not being able to express affection. At the same time there came the stories from her of all kinds of abuse and other sad episodes in her life. These things really hooked into and embedded themselves deep into my heart.
This was in sharp contrst to the physical aspect of the relationship – which immediately began to suffer because of the confusion that was developing inside of me.
She did some great things – buying presents and being so helpful and generous with her money – which she didn’t really have to spend. But these things contrasted markedly from the criticism, withholding and some inexplicable acts.
Things just didn’t add up. She could hold me and kiss me and get into bed with me – and tell me about childhood traumas and stories of abuses of all sorts – and then, criticize me, insult me and, rip my heart out and dangle it in front of me.
And I came to believe that there was something seriously wrong with me. It made me want to love her stronger and work harder. But then, she only became more frequently and more deeply critical.
She talked about spirituality- but shied away from developing a spiritual connection. I remember attending a church service with her and then hearing her mock and criticize the pastor after it. She talked about commitment – but would never sit down and put together a plan wit me. She attended a counselling session with me – once – and labelled the counsellor a ‘kook’ and wouldn’t go again. She told me about her physical ailments, like IC, and I asked her to please go to support groups for these things with me – but she would not. She talked about sex being tender and loving – but she would not respond to gentleness and caresses. And when she initiated sex it was: ‘let me climb aboard and grind you.’
Yes, it is so confusing. And what came out of it all is that I ‘felt’ like I loved her more, and more. There is still a room for her in my heart – despite all the pain, insults and hatred from her. I still think about her and pray for her.
Fixerupper, what goes into advertising media is enough to feed and house the homeless in the U.S….forever. Media advertising has determined that our society is for The Young and Technologically Connected. Look at American celebrities, for instance. They’re all so cosmetically altered (apparently by the same farking surgeon, too!) that they are UNRECOGNIZABLE.
It’s not only about the fairy tales, it’s about men having 6-pack abs and a hairless chest (legs, arms, and pubis), and women having teeth so white that they’re blue, breast implants, cheeck implants, collagen injections in their lips, and liposuction. It’s all about FACADE and ILLUSION.
I’m well over the illusion and I won’t pay one red cent to view the facade. I’m over it.
I must clarify that I truly believe that there are “healthy” relationships, out there, but they are few and far between.
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak, there are SATISFYING and healthy relationships….and I think you are right, they are FEW and FAR between, and they are CALM, peaceful, caring people who are in them. They treat each other with RESPECT and want to please each other NOT because they FEAR to displease, but they WANT to please because they love the other person.
Again, I think you are right…few and far between.