By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships.
First of all I want to thank everyone who commented on the posts that I’ve written over the last couple of years. Recently I did a post on How to speed date a sociopath. Whilst I make every effort to move on with my life after the psychopath, occasionally something will come up that causes me to think “Why do they do that?”
So the topic of this post is whether or not any of you have experienced the following:
In my book Dark Souls, I wrote about an occasion where my ex moved my cash card. A week later I found it hidden behind a bottle of sauce on the top of a very tall cupboard in the kitchen. At the time it went missing, I asked my ex if he may have picked it up by mistake, because he used the same. He commented that I was forgetful, and asked me whether I’d left it in the freezer.
This was a very strange comment. Later, I found a book written by a psychopath about how to manipulate people, putting the victim off guard so they question their own sanity. One of the suggestion was to ask victims if they left something that went missing in a freezer!
Being a complete idiot at the time, I looked in there, just to check I wasn’t losing the plot or going mad.
More items not returned
I also lent my ex some books and a heart-shaped crystal. At the time he was leaving his wife. He promised to keep it safe. When I asked for it to be returned, I got the excuse that he had let his children play with it, and one of his small children managed to drop it out of a two-story building and broke it. The story was preposterous—why would he let his kids play with something he didn’t want his wife to see?
I was also in a relationship with a man call Dan. I was doing acupuncture, and he as asked me if he could borrow my acupuncture books and also a book on Taoism. He also borrowed a cassette of a local radio interview I’d done when I was 19 about backpacking in India. When the relationship ended, I asked Dan to send me back the books and the interview cassette. He still has them to this day, and refused to give a reason for keeping them. Looking back, I think it was his way of keeping a little trophy of me.
Happening again
I was prompted to write this is because straight after I ended the speed date, I noticed something strange. Every day I wear a necklace, which I made myself out of resin and crystals. You could call it my “security blanket,” because I always feel happy when I am wearing it. When I bathe or shower I take it off and leave it in the bathroom as the string is made of leather. Lurch commented on the jewelry I make as he saw the resin and paraphernalia on the worktops in my kitchen.
A day or so after getting my head of the washing machine with all the mind games he played, I suddenly realised I wasn’t wearing the necklace. I searched the flat everywhere but couldn’t find it. I soon realised that a photograph of me was missing as well. It was an old photograph of me when I was about 16, dressed in fancy dress and looking reasonably young, fit and attractive. My son had seen it a few days before and commented on how young I looked. The photograph had been next to the computer, but was gone.
I like to think of myself as a rational person and don’t jump to conclusions before pointing the finger. In fact, I searched multiple times only to find nothing. Whilst I cannot prove that anyone took it, these were not items of value like money. But they had a lot of sentimental value, much like the cassette and the specialist acupuncture books, which, incidentally are irreplaceable.
Trophies
I’ve read before that the psychopath likes to closet their victims, and I’ve heard stories about serial killers keeping “bits” of them as trophies. Whilst we expect the sociopath to steal our hearts, money and valuable possessions, the difference is that all these items are irreplaceable. Which begs the question that they will intentionally go out of their way to take such things, because they know how upset we will be.
I am still searching for these items, just in case I haven’t lost my marbles. Whilst it’s easy to let them go because they have no real value, the whole experience points to the potentially sick and twisted nature of their personalities and has “creeped” me out. Even with such a good understanding of psychopaths/ sociopaths, it’s still beyond all my capacity to understand what motivates someone to do something like this.
It’s for this reason that I shared this experience. I wonder if anyone else had experience the same kind of “creepy” behaviour.
Truthy and Louise, I guess my invitation to the “I’m undateable” party got lost in the post 🙂 so I’ll gatecrash with this as it might make you smile. I’ve wet the bed twice since the assaults. Form an orderly queue gentlemen. x
fixerupper:
If you were following my posts, I kind of said the same thing as far as things not adding up. He could be so cuddly and gentle and then be so cruel. Two faces.
I don’t know the answer. We just have to heal, that is all. Sending healing thoughts your way.
Tea Light:
Awwww, sorry to hear that 🙁 It goes to show what these traumas can do to our bodies. 🙁
I feel the same way.
The sacred space between a man and a woman got destroyed in my mind and I can’t recover it.
Rape of mind, soul and body.
I also have no energy that I could put into a new relationship. I need it for myself.
Then there’s health clearance for STD’s.
And I don’t want to be some old man’s nurse in his later years.
He murdered the romance by revealing his sick, sexual deviancy, that I harboured in my soul.
And this was a huge part of my identity
I also can’t stomach romantic scenes on the TV. I’ve lost the ‘feeling’ for them.
It’s so confusing to think that only one of you felt the passion. It’s like believing the world is flat then learning it’s round.
It’s like they take your belief in your own sexual power away.
So much damage.
xxx
TeaLight, at least you can assign some morbid humor to it: “orderly queue” is priceless. Yes, it’s going to take some time to recover. Did you get into counseling and all of that to help? BIG hugs to you….
STJ, spath damages are a violation of the human soul, from financial to sexual to spiritual to emotional to physical……a whole-self violation. And, I REALLY miss my counseling sessions…..
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak
I was sent to a psychologist who specialises in CBT. What I really needed was someone who could help me confront the trauma. Changing my thoughts just didn’t work for me, therefore I have battled on myself by reading LF and using other resources.
No one ‘gets it’. Too bizarre for them and to be honest I can’t be bothered wasting my breath talking to them now. Only on LF is their own special lingo to describe things e.g Grey Rock and ‘tells’.
When you get on your feet you will get a good counselor. Meanwhile, you have us.
xxx
STJ, the way that I found my counselor was by calling my local domestic violence hotline after I had attacked the exspath in a violent rage. It was COMPLETELY out of character for me, and I simply snapped. So, I needed to know how this happened, why it happened, and how to prevent it from ever happening, again.
My counselor is someone that “gets it,” as are most of the counselors listed with the dv&a hotlines. She saw where I was and how I got there.
And, I DO have the incredible human beings on LoveFraud, and I am truly, sincerely, and profoundly grateful that I do.
Brightest blessings
First, hoarding:
Both the hoarders I know have an Autism Spectrum Disorder. One is mild the other text book Aspergers. The latter even has phone and electric bills from years ago. But he is also very intelligent, but in a narrow sense. He has deep factual knowledge but does not show much abstract thinking. He also cannot, for want of a better term, see “the forest for the trees…”
He is also bull-head thick and a slob but very gentle and personable, in an awkward way.
My other friend is much more functional. His main hoarding is actually money. He is cheap to the point of being dysfunctional. For example, he lives in a rent-controlled apartment in New York at a rent so low, it is criminal. He is single, never married and I am not sure if he is gay or straight. He has a significant inheritance and invests well. But his money hoarding prevents him from fully enjoying his life. He does not take vacation and has not ventured out of the NY Metro area in years.
He is also bull-head thick but very gentle and personable… Bull-headedness seems to be a common trait with those suffering from an Autism Spectrum Disorder. Both also like to be in charge, even though neither has any leadership potential.
The more functional friend also has problems with abstract thinking. I occasionally bicycle with him and he cannot get from his apartment in the East Village to Penn Station without written directions. Thus, any ride with him must be completely planned and written out. He will also not vary from a route, regardless of conditions.
On a bike ride with him, I observed something very interesting once and I learned a lot about the both of us. We were in a state park mountain biking. Since written directions for such a route are difficult to follow, he wanted to stop and look at a map. I assured him we were going the correct way, but he insisted on stopping. He takes out the map and is having great difficulty reading up. I point to the map, say we are here and then point out the route. I was reading the map upside down and he was stunned.
“You can read a map upside down?” My reply was “yes, can’t everybody?”
I did some research on this and learned that I might actually have a very slight form of Dyslexia, for me the only symptom being difficulty pronouncing and remembering long words. For example, I can quickly read a scientific study abstract and understand it conceptually, even link it to other areas, but not remember a single long scientific term.
Essentially, the exact opposite as my Autism Spectrum Disorder friends — they will remember every word but will not understanding the meaning or implication of the study.
Louise;
Bright Light Therapy:
Research shows that light influences hormone secretion, heart rate, alertness, sleep quality, core body temperature and gene expression. Morning exposure to bright light is shown to be an effective treatment for Winter Seasonal Affective Disorder and Circadian Rhythm problems. Some evidence suggests Bright Light Therapy is also an effective treatment for depression in general. Interestingly, as people age, their blue-light sensitivity decreases dramatically. This may be a factor in sleep problem and depression problems seen in the elderly.
Until recently, Bright Light Therapy required purchasing expensive light fixtures and bulbs. Now, with Compact Fluorescent Bulb’s (CFL) widespread availability, the correct light spectrum and exposure level can be created without expensive fixtures, with the added benefit that some bulbs will replace existing ones. While the initial cost of a CFL is higher than conventional bulbs, the long-term cost savings is significant. Given that conventional incandescent bulbs will be no longer sold starting in 2014, anyone with a depressive mood disorder should replace such bulbs with the correct spectrum light, and then supplement this basic lighting with additional stronger and more direct light for theoretical purposes.
An exposure to10,000 Lumens in a small room is required for therapeutic effect, with blue wavelengths having the most powerful effect of any wavelength, since the spectral sensitivity of melanopsin receptors peaks in the blue part of the spectrum at approximately 460 nm. From a color temperature perspective, 460 nm is 6300 Degrees Kelvin (6300K). The exact color temperature is not critical and any light with a temperature of 6000K or more will be very effective. These are typically marketed as “Daylight Bulbs.” For example, CFL bulbs made by Westinghouse and marketed as “Daylight” have a near ideal 6500K temperature. Other manufactures offer similar CFL bulbs.
Creating an exposure of 10,000 Lumens requires several bulbs. One approach is to replace overhead and table lights with 4 1500-1700 Lumen bulbs, providing roughly 6000 Lumens. Then, use two very bright bulbs of roughly 2500 Lumens and place them in dedicated gooseneck fixtures, to provided directionality. Westinghouse makes a 2800 Lumen, 6500K bulb that is ideal for this purpose. These two fixtures should be used to direct light at the user. However, users need not stare into the light.
Initially, Bright Light Therapy should be started with a limited amount of direct exposure that is increased daily until a therapeutic effect is reached, as too much light exposure can trigger hypomania in some. When treating Seasonal Affective Disorder, mood improvement is typically seen in several days.
Keep in mind that nighttime exposure to blue spectrum light can cause insomnia. Therefore, in the evening all such lighting needs to be turned off in favor of lighting at the opposite end of the color spectrum, so called “soft white” lighting with color temperature of 3000K or less.
Given the government mandate phasing out incandescent bulbs in favor of CFL bulbs, many have politicized this issue, even making unwarranted claims that CFL bulbs are unsafe and may cause skin cancer. Such claims are scientifically unfounded. However, CFLs do contain Mercury and should be handled with care and disposed in an environmentally sound fashion.
The total cost of two gooseneck fixtures, two ~2700 Lumen CFL bulbs and four ~1700 CFL bulbs is under $100, about half of which is for everyday lighting that in the long-term actually saves money.
Women testosterone levels, as well as circulating adult testosterone levels. However, testosterone is only part of the equation. Interestingly, many male homosexuals paradoxically exhibit signs of both “hyper-masculinization” concurrently with femininity.
My x-spath, at least when I knew him, did not exude sexuality. He was short, slim and best described as “cute” not hot or even particulary masculine. He was not overtly violent and very soft spoken, even when angry.