By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships.
First of all I want to thank everyone who commented on the posts that I’ve written over the last couple of years. Recently I did a post on How to speed date a sociopath. Whilst I make every effort to move on with my life after the psychopath, occasionally something will come up that causes me to think “Why do they do that?”
So the topic of this post is whether or not any of you have experienced the following:
In my book Dark Souls, I wrote about an occasion where my ex moved my cash card. A week later I found it hidden behind a bottle of sauce on the top of a very tall cupboard in the kitchen. At the time it went missing, I asked my ex if he may have picked it up by mistake, because he used the same. He commented that I was forgetful, and asked me whether I’d left it in the freezer.
This was a very strange comment. Later, I found a book written by a psychopath about how to manipulate people, putting the victim off guard so they question their own sanity. One of the suggestion was to ask victims if they left something that went missing in a freezer!
Being a complete idiot at the time, I looked in there, just to check I wasn’t losing the plot or going mad.
More items not returned
I also lent my ex some books and a heart-shaped crystal. At the time he was leaving his wife. He promised to keep it safe. When I asked for it to be returned, I got the excuse that he had let his children play with it, and one of his small children managed to drop it out of a two-story building and broke it. The story was preposterous—why would he let his kids play with something he didn’t want his wife to see?
I was also in a relationship with a man call Dan. I was doing acupuncture, and he as asked me if he could borrow my acupuncture books and also a book on Taoism. He also borrowed a cassette of a local radio interview I’d done when I was 19 about backpacking in India. When the relationship ended, I asked Dan to send me back the books and the interview cassette. He still has them to this day, and refused to give a reason for keeping them. Looking back, I think it was his way of keeping a little trophy of me.
Happening again
I was prompted to write this is because straight after I ended the speed date, I noticed something strange. Every day I wear a necklace, which I made myself out of resin and crystals. You could call it my “security blanket,” because I always feel happy when I am wearing it. When I bathe or shower I take it off and leave it in the bathroom as the string is made of leather. Lurch commented on the jewelry I make as he saw the resin and paraphernalia on the worktops in my kitchen.
A day or so after getting my head of the washing machine with all the mind games he played, I suddenly realised I wasn’t wearing the necklace. I searched the flat everywhere but couldn’t find it. I soon realised that a photograph of me was missing as well. It was an old photograph of me when I was about 16, dressed in fancy dress and looking reasonably young, fit and attractive. My son had seen it a few days before and commented on how young I looked. The photograph had been next to the computer, but was gone.
I like to think of myself as a rational person and don’t jump to conclusions before pointing the finger. In fact, I searched multiple times only to find nothing. Whilst I cannot prove that anyone took it, these were not items of value like money. But they had a lot of sentimental value, much like the cassette and the specialist acupuncture books, which, incidentally are irreplaceable.
Trophies
I’ve read before that the psychopath likes to closet their victims, and I’ve heard stories about serial killers keeping “bits” of them as trophies. Whilst we expect the sociopath to steal our hearts, money and valuable possessions, the difference is that all these items are irreplaceable. Which begs the question that they will intentionally go out of their way to take such things, because they know how upset we will be.
I am still searching for these items, just in case I haven’t lost my marbles. Whilst it’s easy to let them go because they have no real value, the whole experience points to the potentially sick and twisted nature of their personalities and has “creeped” me out. Even with such a good understanding of psychopaths/ sociopaths, it’s still beyond all my capacity to understand what motivates someone to do something like this.
It’s for this reason that I shared this experience. I wonder if anyone else had experience the same kind of “creepy” behaviour.
Louise says:
“If you were following my posts, I kind of said the same thing as far as things not adding up. He could be so cuddly and gentle and then be so cruel. Two faces.”
Same with mine. He could go from charming to abusive in seconds for reasons not apparent to me at the time.
In that context, I never met anyone like him, before or since, which strongly underscores his sociopathy.
STJ:
Thanks for your comments.
Yes, romance has been ‘murdered’. The whole idea that a mutually caring relationship ever existed or ever could exist on earth is questioned. I question my own abilities to do anything right or express myself.
Interesting – I shared stories from my childhood with my ex-gf. They are stories about how my father would put us kids down with criticism and, about a recurring abandonment nightmare that I have had since before I was 10 years old. The way my ex-gf betrayed and discarded me was right in line with what I told her about these things. It’s as if I said to her: If you want to hurt me really bad – this is what to do and say.” And, that’s what she did!!!
Furthermore – starting fairly early in our ‘relationship’ she would accuse me of using information about her life and her family against her! I was, like…HUH??? Now I see that it was another example of what a therapist told me to be on the lookout for: PROJECTION, by her.
If anything, I was afraid to bring up too much of what she had told me about herself and her family when we talked about problems and there roots – for fear that I would be accused of attacking her or putting her down.
She claimed that I knew ‘all of’ her secrets. I doubt it.
Of course, now I feel free to speak anonymously about everything and can see the connections and how the pieces of the puzzle fit together. If I ever spoke to her again I would not hold back – that’s fer sure.
BBE:
Thanks so much for the light therapy info. I’m still not sure if I want to purchase the CFL bulbs or get a lightbox from Verilux. I’ll let you know what I decide.
Yeah, you know what I think? I think our spaths are cousins!! 🙂
SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER is actually not all that common in the US where we do have enough day light even in most areas to prevent thiis…but if you work inside every day and don’t get outside at all, this CAN BE A REALLY bad problem.
I used to combat it by sitting outside at lunch in my truck and reading during lunch as the clinic I worked in had no widows…
The light therapy done like BBE pointed out, in the day time should not be harmful and MAY be helpful. If you work in a place you can take it with you or work from home etc.
On the mercury bulbs if you break one do NOT pick up with a vacuum, but use a mask and CAREFULLY spray wit with some water to keep down dust and pick up with a disposable rag or paper towel. I keep a special big plastic box to dispose of them in (broken or unbroken) along with batteries or other potentially toxic waste to be dispose of appropriately.
I use incandescent bulbs to heat my well water room so I laid in a big supply a year or so ago when they first were going to ban them back then and then they canceled the ban…they are effective and cheaper than other kind of electric heaters. All LIGHTING in my home are the ugly little critters but it has cut my utility bills by 50%.
Louise, Truthy; can you imagine if I’m in bed with a new partner and it happens if I had a nightmare ?! Just not a risk you’re going to take is it, lol. I haven’t even told my therapist that happened. Thank God it was only twice. I found information on a ptsd site. You feel too vulnerable to allow yourself to fall deeply asleep so your brain overcompensates to the point where you can’t wake even when you need the loo in the night. When it happened I felt utterly out of control utterly humiliated. That was my “ok I need help fast” alarm. Apart from the crying jags, bedwetting, valium popping and depression I’m a keeper. x
Tea Light:
Haha, at least you can make light of it. Good for you…I like your sense of humor. Oh, no, you would not want to be in bed with someone and have that happen.
Your last sentence was funny! x
Louise, ((grouphug!)) Keep laughing dear it’s good for us x
Tealight
When I went through a breast cancer scare many years ago I also wet the bed for the first time in my adult life.
Don’t worry too much about it. If someone loves you they will comfort you if this happens.
Fixerupper
My ex also garnered all my intimate details about my vulnerabilities and used them against me. I remember going into shock at such childish behaviour.
It is so opposite of what we would do.
Yes, it’s good to come here and offload and be understood.
Take care
xxx
Truthspeak
I spoke on another thread about my lightbulb moment after 15 years of abuse from my ex.
That is when I attacked him also in a rage at something he said to me. I felt awful as it was so out of character for me.
Now I wish I had Kneecapped him then and discarded him.
If only I had known what was in front of me.
Ah well…we can only dream
xxx
Truthspeak
I also went into counselling to find out what happened to ME to do this.
My counselor just said. Well if he said that to a man he would just punch him for it.
So I stood up to the weasel like a man would.
Much more honest than his sly emotional devastation that no one else can see.
Take care
xxx