By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships.
First of all I want to thank everyone who commented on the posts that I’ve written over the last couple of years. Recently I did a post on How to speed date a sociopath. Whilst I make every effort to move on with my life after the psychopath, occasionally something will come up that causes me to think “Why do they do that?”
So the topic of this post is whether or not any of you have experienced the following:
In my book Dark Souls, I wrote about an occasion where my ex moved my cash card. A week later I found it hidden behind a bottle of sauce on the top of a very tall cupboard in the kitchen. At the time it went missing, I asked my ex if he may have picked it up by mistake, because he used the same. He commented that I was forgetful, and asked me whether I’d left it in the freezer.
This was a very strange comment. Later, I found a book written by a psychopath about how to manipulate people, putting the victim off guard so they question their own sanity. One of the suggestion was to ask victims if they left something that went missing in a freezer!
Being a complete idiot at the time, I looked in there, just to check I wasn’t losing the plot or going mad.
More items not returned
I also lent my ex some books and a heart-shaped crystal. At the time he was leaving his wife. He promised to keep it safe. When I asked for it to be returned, I got the excuse that he had let his children play with it, and one of his small children managed to drop it out of a two-story building and broke it. The story was preposterous—why would he let his kids play with something he didn’t want his wife to see?
I was also in a relationship with a man call Dan. I was doing acupuncture, and he as asked me if he could borrow my acupuncture books and also a book on Taoism. He also borrowed a cassette of a local radio interview I’d done when I was 19 about backpacking in India. When the relationship ended, I asked Dan to send me back the books and the interview cassette. He still has them to this day, and refused to give a reason for keeping them. Looking back, I think it was his way of keeping a little trophy of me.
Happening again
I was prompted to write this is because straight after I ended the speed date, I noticed something strange. Every day I wear a necklace, which I made myself out of resin and crystals. You could call it my “security blanket,” because I always feel happy when I am wearing it. When I bathe or shower I take it off and leave it in the bathroom as the string is made of leather. Lurch commented on the jewelry I make as he saw the resin and paraphernalia on the worktops in my kitchen.
A day or so after getting my head of the washing machine with all the mind games he played, I suddenly realised I wasn’t wearing the necklace. I searched the flat everywhere but couldn’t find it. I soon realised that a photograph of me was missing as well. It was an old photograph of me when I was about 16, dressed in fancy dress and looking reasonably young, fit and attractive. My son had seen it a few days before and commented on how young I looked. The photograph had been next to the computer, but was gone.
I like to think of myself as a rational person and don’t jump to conclusions before pointing the finger. In fact, I searched multiple times only to find nothing. Whilst I cannot prove that anyone took it, these were not items of value like money. But they had a lot of sentimental value, much like the cassette and the specialist acupuncture books, which, incidentally are irreplaceable.
Trophies
I’ve read before that the psychopath likes to closet their victims, and I’ve heard stories about serial killers keeping “bits” of them as trophies. Whilst we expect the sociopath to steal our hearts, money and valuable possessions, the difference is that all these items are irreplaceable. Which begs the question that they will intentionally go out of their way to take such things, because they know how upset we will be.
I am still searching for these items, just in case I haven’t lost my marbles. Whilst it’s easy to let them go because they have no real value, the whole experience points to the potentially sick and twisted nature of their personalities and has “creeped” me out. Even with such a good understanding of psychopaths/ sociopaths, it’s still beyond all my capacity to understand what motivates someone to do something like this.
It’s for this reason that I shared this experience. I wonder if anyone else had experience the same kind of “creepy” behaviour.
My husband SAID and ACTED like he deleted pics of me off his computer.I gotta admit,I’m getting a little nervous wondering if he actually did!Thinking about having one of my daughters check through his computer…..but they still think I’m paranoid!
Daisy, keeping photographic images like that are, indeed, “trophies.”
That’s why there will be NO photographs of me taken with anyone under any circumstances. Especially “intimate” imagery! Not that there will ever be another intimate relationship, but people just never consider that the person that they’re with would use “intimate” imagery as weapons of destruction. If someone wants an “intimate” photo of me, they can jump in a pool of lava.
Blossom4th, I wouldn’t recommend involving your kids in this – keep them out of the loop even if they “get it” about the spath. If he did, he did. If he didn’t, he didn’t.
Brightest blessings
I never thought of it as being trophies. My ex brought in his things when he moved in with me. There were little things around his computer, like a small scandianva boot, a stamp picture of Elvis with a couple of ornaments. He never listened to Elvis’s music. Gem stones and pouch from a friendship he didn’t have. Found that out after the fact. His life was a lie.
Now that I think about it, those things could very well be from the other victims he has stolen from along with the stories he told me. Sad…
KatyDid you said what a WINNER lol Daisy yes he seems like quite the catch. I think many dangerous men are drawn to photographing their victims, looking at the images is like returning to the scene of the crime. Having galleries of sexual images of women is just clearly creepy whether the man knows the women or download them from sites. Even if the women consent to the images being taken I feel a man wanting them /collecting them is a massive red flag
KD, Truthspeak and TeaLight,
Thankfully the pictures were not of me. No one has pictures like that of me. NO ONE. His new “target” told me about the pictures saved on his phone of women he had met online. I told her that was a red flag all by itself, not even knowing about the “trophy” connection.
I am going to start reminding myself of what a “winner” he is every time I feel that I miss him.
Truthspeak wrote:
“Fixerupper, do you still have that sprig of pine? If you do, it might be an option to pitch it out the window, along with anything else that has any association with the spath.”
Well, it’s kindlin’. And every thing that was not discarded has been sealed in a container. I read some advice somewhere that the thing to do is to remove stuff from your sight that remind you of the ex. Then, to deal with it at the later date when you are strong enough and you have “figured things out” in your mind and the pain has subsided.
Unfortunately, we live pretty close to each other and this part of the state is shared territory and, there is hardly a town or street that I am in or on in my travels that doesn’t trigger a memory of our time together. So, I have given up on trying to reroute or avoid places. I take it head-on and force myself to work through the feelings. I am thinking that you have to relish it and let it flow over yourself to get through it – since it is all unavoidable anyway.
But it seems that the triggered memories – in addition to the realizations of how bad her spathic behaviour and treatment of me really was – generate an emotional paralysis and other symptoms that seem like those typical with PTSD. I am trying to get an evaluation on that now because it is so debilitating and I need to find a way to deal with it. I am experiencing memory loss ( Forgot my bank account PIN number today at the supermarket check-out, forgetting people’s names, things to do, etc.), having chest pains and headaches – among other things.
I attended a memorial service recently. During the service I heard a quotation attributed to Mary Oliver on what it is to live. Part of
it goes something like this:
‘Love what is mortal. Hold it to your bones- like your life depended on it….and then know how to let it go.’
About a year ago I found a diary that I had forgotten about that I kept when in a relationship more than 20 years ago. Very educational and enlightening reading!
But this discussion about trophies has me worried and a bit self conscious. I have been examining my attitude and behaviour in this regard. I collect stamps and coins and rocks (Have a degree in geology.), and have a few souvenirs from my travels. But these things, and the things given to me by my ex (Which I will deal with I some way when I can.), and the few pictures that I have of her – do not feel like ‘trophies’ or some form of owning or possessing her.
Reminds me of a story of how in some cultures persons are afraid to have their pictures taken – because they believe the camera captures their soul.
Oh, well, it is late and I have rambled enough.
I can see that there is a line between keeping articles and souvenirs to trigger a memory or help one to remember and relay that memory or reminisce – and it being a way of ‘possessing’ someone.
Mine had asked me to send him a picture of myself via text. He didn’t ask for it to be nude, but I assumed that is what he meant. I did not do it! I may have been stupid, but I wasn’t THAT stooopid! No way and now I am REALLY glad I was smart enough to not send him a picture of myself. Who knows who he would have shown? I know why he wanted it of course.
Fixerupper. Like you, many of MY personal fav places had been tainted by memories of him. So I did a pagan thing. I took sage and cleansed them. For other areas, I REMADE my memories. I went and did something different, I reclaimed MY Space. I considered what I did as purification, doing even something as simple as sprinkling holy water. Sounds silly but it worked for me. Kinda like lysol killing germs. I’m the one who share MY special places with him, I just took them back.
The forgetting stuff you are experiencing may be the byproduct of stress. I had to set a timer EVERY Time I cooked b/c I’d forget I had a pan on the stove, I had lost a sense of time. I learned to meditate and focus on the pure light of love falling over me, and after a time, the stress dissapated. Though a word of warning, it can come back but it doesn’t hang around for months on end anymore. When it comes now, it’s just a short 2-3 days and I know to bathe myself in God’s love again. I hope for the same for you.
And NO. You don’t have trophies. Trophies are when spaths want to relive dominating and crushing a victim. You have momentos of special CONNECTION, BIG dif, ya know?!
Fixerupper………..um……..collecting coins and souvenirs is NOT a symptom of socipathy. It’s something that nearly everyone does and it’s not a symptom of some kind of pathology. My father was involved in geology for a corporation and he collected all manner of minerals that I found fascinating (peacock coal was my favorite!), and this wasn’t a pathological “collection.”
“Victim Trophies” are a completely different matter. They are “collected” as a means to “re-live” their victims’ destruction.
I LOVE what KatyDid posted and I did the same thing – almost verbatim. I was hesitant to post the “pagan” thing about burning sage bundles because I don’t want to “offend” anyone, but there’s something TO this ritual.
KatyDid provided some sound insight, and you may want to be a bit gentler on yourself, Fixerupper. Those places will cease to have so much power, in due time.
Another technique that I found helpful in managing triggers and extreme anxiety was “Getting In The Now.” In a nutshell, when you begin feeling that uncontrollable surge of emotions begin and recognize it as “anxiety” about a certain place, song, or other stimulus, it goes something like this:
* Tell myself, out loud, where I am – in a store, by a creek, in a car, etc.
* Tell myself, out loud, where my hands are – on a steering wheel, beneath a faucet, etc.
* Tell myself WHAT my hands are touching – textured fabric, water, tree bark, etc.
* Tell myself where my hadns are in relation to my feet – am I standing, sitting, walking, etc
* Tell myself what is beneath my fee – gravel, pine needles, carpeting, tarmac, etc.
* Tell myself what kind of atmosphere I’m experiencing – outside in the rain, indoors in air conditioning, in the forest, etc
* Tell myself what I can smell, if there is a breeze, if there is a distinct climate, etc.
Okay, it sounded like absolute hocus-pocus when my counseling therapist first told me about this technique. I honestly believed that she wanted me to shut up, stop crying, and get the HELL out of her office because I was that much of a mess. At some point, the anxiety that I was experiencing compelled me to give this technique a cursory attempt. It took a number of attempts and frequent intervals (sometimes, one attempt right after the previous), but it DID work! I was amazed at this because I had been so out of control with anxiety. And, that’s just one technique to try – there are many that are listed on another article thread.
You’re okay, Fixerupper. Really. You’re NOT the spath and it’s not uncommon for recovering victims of spaths to wonder if THEY aren’t the disordered ones because of the carnages that have been created by the spaths. You’re okay. Okay? Okay!!
Brightest blessings
Thanks for your advice, encouragement and kind words, KatyDid and Truthspeak.
Truthspeak: I have only held a piece of ‘peacock coal’ once. A friend that worked for the USDA had some.
I am not sure about the ‘cleansing’ rituals. Having grown up in a family with lots of Orthodox Christians and Catholics – with relatives that kept ‘Holy Water’ right after the cinnamon and the dill on the spice rack, one might think that I would try it.
But, it just seems like whitewashing to me. NOT to disparage or doubt the effectiveness that it has for you!
However, I have been to places that mean alot to me – that hold special significance to that relationship – and I have prayed and meditated there. It ‘was like I was trying to extract something like GOOD memories or vibes – as a way to comfort myself and remember how DEEP the love was and is. I know that for me it was REAL. But, for her -obviously not. I still deep down hope that I am wrong.
This leads to profound sadness – but it may be a step along the way to recovery.