By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships.
First of all I want to thank everyone who commented on the posts that I’ve written over the last couple of years. Recently I did a post on How to speed date a sociopath. Whilst I make every effort to move on with my life after the psychopath, occasionally something will come up that causes me to think “Why do they do that?”
So the topic of this post is whether or not any of you have experienced the following:
In my book Dark Souls, I wrote about an occasion where my ex moved my cash card. A week later I found it hidden behind a bottle of sauce on the top of a very tall cupboard in the kitchen. At the time it went missing, I asked my ex if he may have picked it up by mistake, because he used the same. He commented that I was forgetful, and asked me whether I’d left it in the freezer.
This was a very strange comment. Later, I found a book written by a psychopath about how to manipulate people, putting the victim off guard so they question their own sanity. One of the suggestion was to ask victims if they left something that went missing in a freezer!
Being a complete idiot at the time, I looked in there, just to check I wasn’t losing the plot or going mad.
More items not returned
I also lent my ex some books and a heart-shaped crystal. At the time he was leaving his wife. He promised to keep it safe. When I asked for it to be returned, I got the excuse that he had let his children play with it, and one of his small children managed to drop it out of a two-story building and broke it. The story was preposterous—why would he let his kids play with something he didn’t want his wife to see?
I was also in a relationship with a man call Dan. I was doing acupuncture, and he as asked me if he could borrow my acupuncture books and also a book on Taoism. He also borrowed a cassette of a local radio interview I’d done when I was 19 about backpacking in India. When the relationship ended, I asked Dan to send me back the books and the interview cassette. He still has them to this day, and refused to give a reason for keeping them. Looking back, I think it was his way of keeping a little trophy of me.
Happening again
I was prompted to write this is because straight after I ended the speed date, I noticed something strange. Every day I wear a necklace, which I made myself out of resin and crystals. You could call it my “security blanket,” because I always feel happy when I am wearing it. When I bathe or shower I take it off and leave it in the bathroom as the string is made of leather. Lurch commented on the jewelry I make as he saw the resin and paraphernalia on the worktops in my kitchen.
A day or so after getting my head of the washing machine with all the mind games he played, I suddenly realised I wasn’t wearing the necklace. I searched the flat everywhere but couldn’t find it. I soon realised that a photograph of me was missing as well. It was an old photograph of me when I was about 16, dressed in fancy dress and looking reasonably young, fit and attractive. My son had seen it a few days before and commented on how young I looked. The photograph had been next to the computer, but was gone.
I like to think of myself as a rational person and don’t jump to conclusions before pointing the finger. In fact, I searched multiple times only to find nothing. Whilst I cannot prove that anyone took it, these were not items of value like money. But they had a lot of sentimental value, much like the cassette and the specialist acupuncture books, which, incidentally are irreplaceable.
Trophies
I’ve read before that the psychopath likes to closet their victims, and I’ve heard stories about serial killers keeping “bits” of them as trophies. Whilst we expect the sociopath to steal our hearts, money and valuable possessions, the difference is that all these items are irreplaceable. Which begs the question that they will intentionally go out of their way to take such things, because they know how upset we will be.
I am still searching for these items, just in case I haven’t lost my marbles. Whilst it’s easy to let them go because they have no real value, the whole experience points to the potentially sick and twisted nature of their personalities and has “creeped” me out. Even with such a good understanding of psychopaths/ sociopaths, it’s still beyond all my capacity to understand what motivates someone to do something like this.
It’s for this reason that I shared this experience. I wonder if anyone else had experience the same kind of “creepy” behaviour.
MD:
What a beautiful moment that was! It sounds like you are at peace. RIP MD’s mom…
MoonDancer, (((((((HUGS)))))) You needed the visit of the deer, I think. So, WhomeverIsInCharge saw that the comfort that you needed was provided in a very specific way.
I’m glad that the ordeal is over, now, but prepare for a bit of an aftermath in the grieving process, sweetie. It’s okay – whatever you feel as you move forward is okay.
Brightest and most loving blessings
I blocked the abuser’s number yesterday after beginning no contact for the second time. This morning at 6am he rang my number three times. It’s as if he can’t believe I have blocked him, so he thinks it’s just a poor connection becuase I am in a different country, and he knows my mobile connection in my apartment can be patchy because the apartment block is old and has thick stone walls. He tried again this lunchtime when I was teaching. He has left ansaphone messages but I’ve deleted them unlistened to.
I feel sick and miserable. Luckily I have counselling in half an hour. I’ve checked online and the citalopram ‘brain fog’ and lethargy can last up to 6 months for many people. I’m only two months in so that’s not good news. My head is on the desk by mid afternoon. My eyes started closing in my teaching session whilst my students were in discussion groups.
Truthy, the book looks very useful for me, it’s going to be ordered form amazon on pay day – next week. I needed to hear what you said – form now on, any pain caused by me breaking no contact is self inflicted, I don’t ahev children with him, I don’t cohabite with him, I can stop contact. Thank you, you help me so much. About your two bouts of illness – bad things happen to good people. Much love and peace and good health to you Truthy x
Louise, there are lots of questions I have about your experiences with that man and the OW, I’ll post again after counselling hope you had a great day, and I am sticking to my guns on this – I think you are , and will continue to be, not just OK but absolutely fine. You still have your humour, you have the vitality to exercise and care for yourself, and you show support and compassion for other survivors. You’re fine. Even with the sadness, and the grief, you’re fine. You’re a good person. He never can be. x
Skylar, I needed a stark analogy like the one you offered – thanks. Contact creates uncontrollable effects – contamination of my mind and stress for my body. The dirt spreads beyond the contact time, it seeps into my brain and infects my whole day. It’s not controllable. So it has to stop as you say. I thought I could heal faster by proving to myself I am strong enough to contact him and feel the disgust for what he is, and accept that he is that, and not be scared any more. But there are negative affects which can’t be controlled , because I associate him with trauma and that doesn’t make me ‘weak’ or pathetic, it’s a reality I need to come to terms with.x
TeaLight, you are going to be okay. One day at a time, and sometimes, it’s going to be sixty seconds at a time, but the further away from this thing that you progress, the better each day is going to be for you.
Talk to the prescribing physician about the citalopram as it may need adjusting. Not every Rx works for every individual in the same way.
I understand the desire to prove to yourself that you aren’t afraid by allowing the contact. In some cases, facing down our worst fears can help us to manage and overcome those fears. Now, you understand that this is not possible with regard to sociopathic entanglements. Spath damages are like NO OTHER trauma that a human being experiences.
Right now, you are very, very raw and you are “feeling” that you don’t have any control about how the dirt will spread. The mantra that my counselor taught me (and, I STILL repeat it, today) is: “Feelings are not facts.” That is not to say that our feelings are not real, by any stretch of the imagination. They are, indeed, real and visceral! BUT, most of my “feelings” have been been based upon emotional responses – positive, negative, and the seemingly benign. When I am feeling that I’m spiraling out of control of my emotions (which I frequently do!), I literally have to STOP myself and say the mantra. Seriously. I have to do this or I get sucked into that vortex of anxiety and panic.
You are not “weak” or “pathetic,” TeaLight. You have been traumatized, plain and simple. You are not alone in this, TeaLight. I will type this with confidence that every person in recovery from a spath has experienced (and, some are still experiencing) exactly what you are feeling, right this moment. We’ll gather together, here, and encourage, nurture, support, and share in an amazing – TRULY amazing – community of recovery.
You are going to be okay. You ARE okay.
Brightest blessings of encouragement
EDIT ADD: TeaLight, talk to your counselor about “Healing The Shame That Binds You” BEFORE you start reading it, okay? Tell him/her that you want to explore this concept and to help you along with it. This book was an incredible epiphany for me – it explained everything, and I mean EVERYthing about how I have lived my past 50+ years. But, it is a gritty, truthful, hard, and painful process that is best shared with someone who has either done the work, themselves, or is trained in how to process the work. ((HUGS))
Tea Light:
I got my HappyLight today. I can’t wait to start using it tomorrow. A few days ago, I also started taking a high quality fish oil supplement which is supposed to help mood amongst other things. I am hoping with combining the two, I will feel better.
I am open and ready for the questions you have about my spath and OW. I look forward to hearing how your counseling session was today. I will be in and out and am also meeting a friend this evening. I don’t go out a whole lot so I look forward to when I can. It’s so cold though…I don’t like going out at night when it’s cold, but, oh, well…
I am so glad you blocked his number…good for you!!!! You are going in the right direction. He is probably wondering with bewilderment what has happened. He deserves it. x
Dearest MoonDancer
I believe that death releases our souls to rejoin God and that God is Love. So when we rejoin God, we attain perfect knowledge. It’s my thinking that the deer were a gift to you, a spiritual acknowledgement of who you have always been, a dear kind son who attended her funeral even though she was not what she should have been towards you.
She was lost. Now she is found… in the only way that was ever possible for her. You can let her go now, and be comforted.
With love,
Katy
Tea Light-
From my perspective – it appears that your sociopathic ex is keeping you like a ‘live’ trophy. To him, it seems that you are trophy that keeps on giving. When one receives an award, a trophy, a plaque, a certificate, the recognition, round of applause, etc. creates ‘highs’ of emotion and thrills. I would bet it must send a tingle up his spine, a rush to his head and a twinge between his legs to hear and feel your reactions to his outrageous utterings.
In a twisted way I can understand how that makes a person feel of service to or, valuable to another person. It also gives the thrill of doing something taboo – which is also a thrill. I remember that if my gf abused me – I had a feeling that I was at least ‘something’ to her.
But to play along with this it is like feeding rats or encouraging mold to grow in our homes. Ultimately it is harmful to us and the ones we truly love and need – for GOOD reasons – in our lives.
I have been told that I am creative, imaginative, a bit ‘off the wall’. I like thrills and the occaisonal ‘rush.’ I enjoy/have enjoyed things like ice and rock climbing (Never been to Ben Nevis, tho’ – unfortunately.), high speed cycling on all terrains and, my work has put me in many ‘thrilling’ situations. I have almost always worked ‘thrills’ into my relationships. Role playing, spontaneous trips, activities, etc. That’s all been tempered a bit now with the onslaught of adult responsibilities like raising a child and taking care of a house.
But , what I have realized is that many of those thrills were substitutes or supplements for something lacking – an emotional attachment and closeness. I can be spontaneous, fun and all that without hurting myself emotionally and in other ways.
Ever see hunters’ trophies on a wall? A lion’s head, a bearskin rug a stuffed bobcat. Imagine such a trophy that is wired to makes growling noises. How about keeping live exotic wild animals?
What a about those video picture frames? It looks like a still photograph but it’s a flat screen that can be programmed to play a video clip.
Two other examples of interactive trophies.
Louise, Kim and others-
On the subject of closure:
Louise wrote:
“Yep ”“ I was tempted to beg for closure from the second exspath, as well. I was strongly tempted to ask him, “Why? Why did you do this?” It’s a NEED to understand so I could process my experiences. What he did just didn’t make sense ”“ HOW could anybody hide such betrayals for so long?! WHY would anyone commit such heinous betrayals, in the first place?!”
I was in that position. Everybody is correct in saying that sociopaths DO NOT ever provide closure to their victims. They probably think about it – but deliberately don’t do it. I am convinced that for them, it is the “cherry on top,” the “frosting on the cake,” the coup de grace.
After months of gaslighting and betrayal and deceit from my sociopath ex-gf I began to stand-up for myself. Result: I was discarded in a very nasty, and orchestrated set of moves. All of this time she kept telling me to stay in counselling while constantly subjecting me to what I have learned to be ‘crazy-making.’ So, for me I really needed closure in order to understand what I was doing in counselling, why she demanded that I go, why I was beating myself up and taking my self apart looking for flaws…when the flaws were in her and created by her!
It reminds me of going through the extreme excercise of taking apart and rebuilding a carburetor or an engine – looking for a problem that isn’t there. She was jerking me around AND projecting her issues ONTO ME.
Weeks after the ‘break-up’ following a few exchanges – nothing suggesting reconciliation – she invited me to ‘couples counseling’ – as a way to get … perhaps, closure?
It turned out to be a blatant attempt by her to slam and slander me in front of a third party and had the effect of pushing ‘closure’ even FARTHER away from being attained. It was a traumatic and extremely painful and damaging experience. I have NO doubt that this was another of her orchestrated acts.
Sociopaths are ‘anti-closure.’ My guess is that they relish keeping the thought of ongoing agony in their victims’ lives.
fixerupper,
that’s a very good way of understanding the narcissists’ perspective. They see us as objects. They objectify human beings. This is more true than most people are able to understand. The spaths literally feel no difference between people and objects. What and how they feel toward a human being is no different than they would feel toward a trophy.
As trophies, we must “respond correctly” (to quote my spath) in order to soothe their pathetic little egos. If we don’t, then we will suffer their wrath or maybe even death.
Your “interactive trophy” description is spot on.
Tealight,
you know the rule: Don’t feed the spaths!
You fed him when you told him that he nearly drove you to suicide. It was like giving a lion an entire cow to kill and devour. You’ve just made him even more desirous to keep in contact with you.
Well, if your intent was to torture him by ignoring him from now on, then the next step will have to be NC forever.