By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships.
First of all I want to thank everyone who commented on the posts that I’ve written over the last couple of years. Recently I did a post on How to speed date a sociopath. Whilst I make every effort to move on with my life after the psychopath, occasionally something will come up that causes me to think “Why do they do that?”
So the topic of this post is whether or not any of you have experienced the following:
In my book Dark Souls, I wrote about an occasion where my ex moved my cash card. A week later I found it hidden behind a bottle of sauce on the top of a very tall cupboard in the kitchen. At the time it went missing, I asked my ex if he may have picked it up by mistake, because he used the same. He commented that I was forgetful, and asked me whether I’d left it in the freezer.
This was a very strange comment. Later, I found a book written by a psychopath about how to manipulate people, putting the victim off guard so they question their own sanity. One of the suggestion was to ask victims if they left something that went missing in a freezer!
Being a complete idiot at the time, I looked in there, just to check I wasn’t losing the plot or going mad.
More items not returned
I also lent my ex some books and a heart-shaped crystal. At the time he was leaving his wife. He promised to keep it safe. When I asked for it to be returned, I got the excuse that he had let his children play with it, and one of his small children managed to drop it out of a two-story building and broke it. The story was preposterous—why would he let his kids play with something he didn’t want his wife to see?
I was also in a relationship with a man call Dan. I was doing acupuncture, and he as asked me if he could borrow my acupuncture books and also a book on Taoism. He also borrowed a cassette of a local radio interview I’d done when I was 19 about backpacking in India. When the relationship ended, I asked Dan to send me back the books and the interview cassette. He still has them to this day, and refused to give a reason for keeping them. Looking back, I think it was his way of keeping a little trophy of me.
Happening again
I was prompted to write this is because straight after I ended the speed date, I noticed something strange. Every day I wear a necklace, which I made myself out of resin and crystals. You could call it my “security blanket,” because I always feel happy when I am wearing it. When I bathe or shower I take it off and leave it in the bathroom as the string is made of leather. Lurch commented on the jewelry I make as he saw the resin and paraphernalia on the worktops in my kitchen.
A day or so after getting my head of the washing machine with all the mind games he played, I suddenly realised I wasn’t wearing the necklace. I searched the flat everywhere but couldn’t find it. I soon realised that a photograph of me was missing as well. It was an old photograph of me when I was about 16, dressed in fancy dress and looking reasonably young, fit and attractive. My son had seen it a few days before and commented on how young I looked. The photograph had been next to the computer, but was gone.
I like to think of myself as a rational person and don’t jump to conclusions before pointing the finger. In fact, I searched multiple times only to find nothing. Whilst I cannot prove that anyone took it, these were not items of value like money. But they had a lot of sentimental value, much like the cassette and the specialist acupuncture books, which, incidentally are irreplaceable.
Trophies
I’ve read before that the psychopath likes to closet their victims, and I’ve heard stories about serial killers keeping “bits” of them as trophies. Whilst we expect the sociopath to steal our hearts, money and valuable possessions, the difference is that all these items are irreplaceable. Which begs the question that they will intentionally go out of their way to take such things, because they know how upset we will be.
I am still searching for these items, just in case I haven’t lost my marbles. Whilst it’s easy to let them go because they have no real value, the whole experience points to the potentially sick and twisted nature of their personalities and has “creeped” me out. Even with such a good understanding of psychopaths/ sociopaths, it’s still beyond all my capacity to understand what motivates someone to do something like this.
It’s for this reason that I shared this experience. I wonder if anyone else had experience the same kind of “creepy” behaviour.
Valley girl, congratulations on 2 years NC!!!! TOWANDA!!!!! Good goiing!
Tea Light:
I did have a good time last night. Just dinner and two drinks with a good friend who just got engaged at Christmas. I sure hope all works out well for her.
Did you get your HappyLight yet? I got mine, but didn’t plug it in yet.
You had said you had some questions about spath and the OW…is what you were going to ask me about Hirigoyen?
To answer that question…yes, I believe I became someone who I was not…totally. It was almost like I was in a trance and just obeying his commands. Weird and damaging. It was like he used some systematic, hypnotic way to seduce me. I will never forget how this unfolded and when I told my best friend this story, I almost broke down…when he initially started pursuing me, he was relentless and would send me emails everyday asking me to go out and I kept resisting. My intuition was telling me this was going to be trouble, but he is very charming and convincing. He would also Instant Message me at work along with all the emails. Little by little, he broke me down. He gave me his cell number and would ask me to call him (but he never asked for my number…later he would tell me that he was “afraid” to ask for my number because he thought I wouldn’t give it to him). I never called him. So he would just keep repeating the cell number…when he would email, he would write the cell number…when he would IM me, he would write the cell number…looking back, I can see it was a form of brainwashing. I swear he must have read a book on how to do this. Anyway, I can still remember vividly the day I finally reached for a post it note on my desk and wrote his number on it…it was like I was a robot in a trance when I did that. I wrote his number down and put it in my purse…that was the beginning of the end. I can see myself in my mind even now that when I did that, I was in slow motion…robotlike. It’s scary that I was manipulated like that. So yes, I feel like I wasn’t “me” when I was around him. I know I was not. I was never able to act like myself when I was around him. I was either a nervous wreck or I would be quiet and let him do all the talking because I was afraid I was going to say something wrong and I desperately did not want to drive him away as I was already in so deep with him emotionally. He even called me a “sponge” because I would listen and listen and soak up everything he said, but didn’t say much. But then he also told me later that he really liked me because he could “talk” to me. Looking back, me being a “nervous wreck” was a huge red flag! I should have really asked myself “why” I was such a nervous wreck around him. Now I KNOW why I was feeling this way…it was a huge red flag and my body and mind’s way of telling me to run, but I didn’t.
I had a few good days the past few days, but feeling a little down again. Not a whole lot…just a little creeping back in, but that’s normal…up, down, up, down.
How are YOU feeling today? At least it’s the weekend…hopefully you can rest. Let me know how you are. x
Louise, retrospect can be very validating as well as very defeating. When I was in the throes of the aftermath (about 10 months), I journaled and closed the book after I would write. I don’t know why I did it that way, but I think that I didn’t really want to acknowledge those feelings, at that time – I simply wasn’t “ready” to read my own writings.
About 2 months ago, I picked up the first journal book – the one that began after the exspath left. It was almost surreal in that I don’t recognize that person as being ME – if that makes any sense. I definitely recall the anxiety, angst, fear, panic, desperation, etc…..you bet I do! But, as I was reading the words, I could not imagine who this tortured person was. It was almost like being completely detached from that agony.
Around the beginning of Summer, I’ll probably take all of those notebooks out and read them. Or, maybe I’ll just burn them. I don’t know what I intend to do with them, but I know that getting that poison out of my system was a vital thing for me. And, I’m NOT one to do the “Dear Diary, today I tried the cinnamon coffee creamer, and it was amazing!” I had never journaled before, although I had given it a cursory shot from time to time. Not until I was so damaged did I feel the need – no, I was COMPELLED – to put it down on paper. Weird, huh?
The ups and downs are “normal,” Louise. And, over time, they become less frequent and less intense. (((HUGS)))
Brightest blessings
BBE:
Thank you. I have the light on now. I know to not use it too much and to not use it at night. The booklet that came with it said to use it for only 30 minutes to one hour.
Tea Light:
I am using the light now. I hope to see results within a week or so. I was weepy this morning so that pushed me to turn it on…I needed it. x
Truthspeak:
I am so glad to hear that you journaled. It can be very therapeutic. I haven’t formally journaled although I do have a brand new journal waiting for me to do so. A co worker gave it to me for Christmas a few years ago and it’s still sitting here. I know it’s better to actually use pen to paper, but me posting here all the time is the equivalent of journaling to me.
I am glad you were able to go back and read and realize how far you have come. It would probably be better to just burn it all at some point and get rid of all those memories. That made me think about what am I going to do with all the emails I have from him?? I printed everything off before I left my job and I have it all. I kept everything mostly for evidence in case I ever needed it. But a point is going to come where I will not need or want it anymore. I can’t read them. I tried awhile back reading them and I got to about the fourth email and started crying.
I have been thinking in the past few days about how it wouldn’t all be half as hurtful if he would have just tried to make some type of amends, but he never did. Well, I guess he did when he kept me on the line for another nine months or so…just being flirty and sweet…never anymore contact or sex or anything like that. I guess maybe in his mind, that was his way of making amends, but in my mind, it was not. Then he got to the point where he wouldn’t talk to me at all. I completely understand that because he is married and IF he is trying to repair his marriage, he shouldn’t have contact with me, but after all he did to me and I gave up everything because of him and then he can’t even say hello???? I don’t know. That just makes me feel bad and I apologize to anyone who sees it differently because he is married. I don’t want a relationship with him; I only wanted him to acknowledge me as a human being after all that had been done and he wouldn’t do it. He wouldn’t even tell me, Hey…I am trying to make it work with my wife so I am sorry, but I can’t talk to you. That is all he had to say, but no…nothing…just silence…stonewalling. I think I deserved some type of answer, but then again, maybe not. Who knows…I don’t know. 🙁
Lou, you were weepy today, I’m sorry, perhaps your friend’s engagement made you feel some difficult or sad feelings? I know that in that situation because I feel pretty undateable/damaged as we were all talking about the other day that I’d feel a mix of happiness for my friend and sadness for me, maybe there is no connection at all though? Maybe it’s just a “not great but hanging in there” kind of day? I did want your thoughts on the Hirigoyen (Stalking the soul: emotional abuse and the erosion of identity) because it seems linked to that ‘shutting down’ we both experienced, many others here too no doubt. You explained it very powerfully, the robotic following of instructions/submitting to demands, but the victim submits “without consent or participation” so you had the same frightening sensation of “identity erosion” I did, under the relentless psychological assaults that make up the lovebombing phase. Real me was nauseous, having palpitations, like real Louise was a nervous wreck, whilst we submitted to the demands “without consent or participation”.
The book’s translation into english from the original french is quite imprecise in parts so some sections are puzzling but there is a whole chapter on emotional abuse in the workplace, a section called ‘how the victim becomes disarmed’ may be useful to you Lou? Yours HARRASSED you. In your workplace. And other women! Here’s a quote : ” Fear of unemployment alone doesn’t explain the submissiveness of emotional abuse victims in the workplace. Harassing bosses and petty tyrants seeking total control consciously or unconsciously use tactics to psychologically strangle their victims and prevent them reacting (in self defense).” She calls these “methods of entrapment”. What you describe fits that description. Also, the refusal to discuss or explain his treatment of you? ” withdrawal from discussion is an effective means of AGGRAVATING THE CONFLICT while simultaneously gaining INFLUENCE.” He wants you angry frustrated sad and unable to forget his power over you. They are beasts. Lastly, ” sexual harassment is not a question of obtaining sexual ‘favours’ but of considering the woman as his sexual ‘object’, she should accept this attitude and feel flattered to have been chosen. The harasser can’t imagine the coveted woman refusing. If she does, she is subject to humiliations and attacks”. Like Mouse? x
Louise,
you are still anthropomorphizing him and the relationshit you had with him. What you had with him was no different than what the internet vampires did in the article about the blackmailing trolls. It’s just a game for them. It was a game to see how far he could push you, how much he could manipulate your emotions. To him, you were a puppet on a string, why would he bother giving you closure or an explanation or anything. When you refused to “react correctly” (as my spath used to say) you were a broken puppet, aka, “a mouse”.
Every sweet thing about him, was a practiced ploy. Believe me, my spath had many sweet things too, in the beginning. But when my parents told me what my dad over heard him say, I knew that he NEVER loved me, not even for one day. Because, during that time, when he said that he was only with me for my money, I remember being so head over heels in love with him. I was walking on cloud nine every day and assumed that he was too.
skylar:
I know. I don’t know why I do it when I KNOW in my head what he did. It’s just hard to reconcile the two. 🙁
Louise,
A puppet went to the doctor because it didnt feel good.
The doctor said ” Oh My~! No wonder you dont feel good, you have someone’s hand up your ass~!””